Femdom Problems: Being a Dominatrix VS Getting What You Want

I browse reddit when I’m bored, and this comment thread came up on /r/relationships from a user (reluctantmistress) with a pretty classic problem that happens more often than I’d like in femdom: the guy who can only understand his own needs, so a loving and indulgent woman who actually enjoys it gets overwhelmed with service topping to fit into his ideal dominatrix.

I met my boyfriend, Pat, when we were both in college. We were originally FWB, then realized that we wanted more. We started seeing each other seriously, and have lived together pretty happily for 3 years.

We are best friends. We can talk about anything with each other, and we have helped eachother through a lot of tough times. After we had been dating for a while, Pat confessed to me that he has always had a lot of kinky fetishes, and wanted to explore them. I agreed, because it seemed exciting and he was so happy about it. As we started exploring this stuff, I realized that I loved it too.

The thing is, though, that I really just like regular sex. Pat is very submissive, and even though I enjoy being dominant, it tires me out and doesn’t recharge me or give me as much pleasure as just regular, plain, PIV while gazing into each others’ eyes.

We have been doing 24/7 chastity for a while now (working up, making sure the cage fit, and being safe, obviously!) and it is so hard to be “Miss” during every intimate moment. Even if I unlock Pat, there still has to be a kink element, because if we go from kink to vanilla and vice versa, he gets depressed. We’ve also been getting more and more into RAK (risky types of kink) like scat, watersports, and cuckholding.

Things came to a turning point for me when I visited a bull and had sex with him. It was ok, nothing to write home about, but I just loved the fact that we were just having sex. I didn’t have to worry about picking nipples or saying the wrong dirty thing or whatever. I could just lose myself in the moment and be myself. I liked having this need met, but I want Pat to be the one to meet it. I guess I am just naturally monogamous.

We’ve talked about this for a long time, and have tried a lot of things. We’ve tried having different weeks or days where we’re kinky. It just made us both unsatisfied. I’m confused because I constantly feel like I am service topping – if things don’t follow a certain order or prescription, he gets depressed and shuts the scene down, which makes me feel like a failure and then wonder why I’m even doing this because it makes neither of us happy. Even if he isn’t in chastity, he is looking at porn on his phone. He admitted to me that when we have vanilla sex that he is imagining kinky stuff happening. That really broke me.

I don’t want to give up kink forever. I have my own kinks that I like, but when I try to intiate and I mess up the scene stops. I use kink to get Pat to do things like the dishes, or running with me, and he enjoys it, has even told me he prefers it to me nagging, but I just want him to do things without me putting on a show. I just want to top him my way, which sometimes means I’m in my pajamas. I don’t want to have to put on my sexy boots and use my sexy voice whenever I want him to pay attention to me.

I’m so sorry that this has turned into a rant. Anyway, any advice would be nice. We’re also involved in the local BDSM community, and gone to a lot of classes and workshops, and they have really helped our relationship but they haven’t addressed the big problem. I can’t really talk to any of our kinky friends because I’m ashamed of how I feel. People sometimes sh*t on vanilla people for being boring. I don’t want to be boring, I just want to be happy.

I’ve also talked with my therapist about this but she isn’t very knowledgeable about alternative lifestyles. I’m looking for a kink – friendly therapist or counsellor but I have no idea where to start.

tl;dr: My SO and I love eachother but our different sexual appetites are causing us to be unhappy. We want to fix this. What do we do?

See “Pat” find a loving, willing femdom. See Pat drive his relationship into the ground by treating her like a fetish dispensing machine. Pat, your girl is a super winner. I get that you have your fetishes, but you’re going to need to find a work around because right now you are trying to totally dominate that woman you call “Miss” harder than you’re even asking her to do to you. You need to stop that.

Poor OP. She’s even into it, but you’re wearing her down with this constant demanding. I mean really, now you demand kinky treats to do your house chores and just asking is “nagging”? Are you fucking kidding me? How is it that submission is your favourite thing ever, but anything that actually gives your Miss her way turns you into a sulky baby? Look, Pat, she will probably swear you are a great boyfriend and she’s probably right, but you are overwhelming her with your approach.

Think of it this way: I like sadism. I could torture a pretty man all day long. But there are limits of how to express things- I can’t torture someone 24/7 because that’s not safe or sensible or would probably lead to good emotional outcomes. RelectantMistress isn’t actually very relucuctant – she’s the very model of GGG (good, giving, game). However this is hitting against the thing other writers like Giles observed, the difference between letting someone have power and asking them to play out your dominatrix fantasy.

Okay, first it’s adult conversation time. Do you value your relationship? Good. You need to get your ass in gear and talk about that with her. I don’t know how she got the impression sex that wasn’t your fetish was boring, but mission number one is to take the focus off you and your locked cock and onto her- not because your fetishes are wrong, but because she matters too and her fetishes and interests are just as important as yours.

You, Pat are now going through the hardest orgasm denial of your life, the one where your cock absolutely belongs to her and not to you. No more porn and fantasy for now. You need to put as much effort into channelling your sexuality to please her as she’s been putting to please you. You love this woman, you know her intimately and you should have an idea what she likes.

I imagine that she’s put a lot of work into letting you know she finds your sexuality sexy, and that’s very comforting. However she’s set a good example about what love means, it’s time to reciprocate. True, how you perceive sex is filtered through your kinks, but you can at least make the effort- if she wants missionary sex without props and calling anything but her name, you can at least stretch to being her adoring fucktoy. Take some time to rediscover who she is. Practice that coo-ing romantic connection of sticky eyes, like when you first fell in love.

But on top of that, I want to talk about the house chores only being tolerable if dictated by Miss issue and the sulking if you don’t get kink. It’s really nice that she’s found a way to make boring adult responsibilities fun for you, but she shouldn’t have to nag you in the first place. Calling being reminded of something that needs doing, that you were failing to do ‘nagging’ is saying that neither her wants nor the task are relevant. Similarly, try to have a bit of quid-pro-quo empathy, imagine if every time you wanted kink she got depressed and moped and needed reassurance? I bet you’d feel pretty stifled. Being Miss is a fun thing for both of you, but the way you are subbing is turning this into a chore for her, not a joy.

Don’t blow it, Pat, give Miss what she actually wants, rather than what you feel like a dominant should want. Or she’ll eventually pull away to protect herself, after a great deal of crying and feeling sad and guilty and unloved, and you won’t have a Miss anymore.

I posted this here because I think this is relevant for all of us, and points to the fundamental problem in femdom as delivered by popular culture- we are rated at how well our kink pleases men, not by how it pleases us. This doesn’t make our partners bad people, but it is a common trap we can fall into. Femdom will never work as a major menu item unless her desires are part of the package and you cannot expect to get a lover who is all into your kinks how you like them only.

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2 Comments

  1. When you write: “writers like Giles observed, …” would this be Giles English? I’m not familiar with him but I do agree with his observation: “the difference between letting someone have power and asking them to play out your dominatrix fantasy” English commented that there are 3 types of BDSM in erotica: Soft BDSM: the couple indulge in mildly kinky sex play, possibly with power play overtones, Scene BDSM: the setting is the BDSM scene or something very like it, albeit sometimes with a darker twist and hard BDSM: the power is real, though the action may still be consensual, though need not be. ( http://bit.ly/1PBH9Dn ). These levels (some would argue the levels are more of a range of BDSM activities) exist in real life too. Is it possible that reluctantmistress and Pat are expecting behavior of the other from different BDSM levels? That said, if you were to remove the BDSM and femdom from their relationship it would seem Pat is more concerned about his needs than his partner’s.

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  2. Pretty often, you write about how some submissive men see Femdom as a way to satisfied their fantasy of a Dominatrix , and never actually let the woman do what SHE wants. This is a very good exemple! Thank you for sharing.

    If I may ask, how often does that happen in a F/m relationship?

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