Reader Letter: How Should My Femdom Act?

letter2This question comes the way of an unlucky fellow, who wrote to me to get some insight on how exactly he was supposed to expect a dominant woman he was dating to treat him. His first relationship made him feel like crap because of how inconsiderate dom #1 was, but dom #2 just doesn’t unilaterally take control all the time. And, he’s not sure what he even wants, so he’s not sure how to help her help him, or even if that’s backleading?

It’s a common question, so I’ll let him share it in his own words.

Dear Miss Pearl:

I have a few questions if you wouldn’t mind sharing some insight. In the past four years I have slowly come to realize i fall on the submissive side but I don’t really know what it is i desire most of the time. Be that sexually or just in general. My first real relationship was with a girl who decided i needed to be her “slave” and its left me vary confused and unsure of myself.

She said things like, “i’m going to break you for all other women”. I really didn’t understand what she meant at the time… Still kinda don’t 😐 … She often put me last on her list and didn’t listen to any of my input so now its difficult to speak freely even with that relationship being over. I’m not the average jerk without dedication so i truly put everything i had into the relationship but in the end i was just sucked dry for ever ounce of goodness in my heart. I get the feeling i was being used from the start but as a dedicated “submissive?” i just kept trying to give until i had nothing left for myself.

So my first question is, if you are overly submissive how do you protect yourself?

My second is in regards to teaching and learning: I’m dating a woman who seems to enjoy being in control, but she doesn’t know what to do and me being all kinds of confused, i don’t know how to explain what it is i wan’t or need in our dynamic. I may also be mistaken and she could just be a submissive as well trying to fit a mold. Which makes me wonder if its even possible for two submissive to function properly in a relationship? We both constantly give way to each other so something as simple as picking a movie or what to eat for dinner can turn into a “after you” match.

-Lost And Confused

Dear LaC:

It sounds like your first relationship was really toxic. Her dominance is not blanket permission for her to treat you poorly. A healthy D/s negotiates the particulars of the ‘mean’ things that happen in the relationship, for example name calling, hitting, demanding things, etc… Power exchange relationships are about two people agreeing to a dynamic that makes them both feel emotional and/or sexual warm and fuzzies.

Really, if you have lingering self doubts and damage, I suggest you talk it out with a therapist. You are in the exact same position as a vanilla person with a terrible, self esteem destroying partner. You deserve to feel good, and a healthy femdom relationship in real life looks a lot like what’s documented here than anything in porn.

Now about girl #2… It seems like your problem is that you are waiting around for a dom-in-a-box dynamic, where in your first relationship the woman just handed you what her vision of dominance was, so you expect/want the next girl to do the same. I’ve said this before, that the end goal of a submissive is to feel submissive and the end goal of a dominant is to feel dominant. Where the relationship thrives is where these two desires feed each other and how your behaviors compliment the other.

Passivity is NOT submission. It doesn’t mean you have to like passivity, but if she’s largely indifferent to the movie you watch tonight, that’s neither here nor there to if she feels dominant. It might not make you feel submissive (which is important to you, I will grant), but that is not by how dominance is measured.

The fact that you don’t know what you want seems like the bigger problem, because the issue you have is not whether she feels dominant. it’s getting your needs met. All is not lost, the answer to that is lots and lots of experimentation. Start small. Pretty much nobody launches into a 24/7 TPE (total power exchange) relationship from day one, and the ones that exist evolved slowly, from dating and play, and so on.

Being a submissive trying to communicate the desire to feel submissive adds an extra level of complexity, at least in so far as that most subs are now terrified of the dreaded ‘topping from the bottom’ lable, but also if you have to call the shots it can detract from the subby feeling. My best advice is that you need to take two things into account:

  1. What she wants might not actually involve stereotypical dominatrix type behaviors. For example in the nightly movie picking debate she might want you to pick it so she doesn’t have to think about little things. “I don’t want to think about this” is a luxury for many people, regardless of kinks.
  2. You should control in negotiated parameters (eg “for Tuesday for 3 hours I will obey any order within my limits, safewords notwithstanding”), and in fact expecting someone to unilaterally be all dom all the time without those negotiations is extremely unsafe. Nobody should just walk in and start bossing you around. Further more keep in mind “I want you to be dominant” is very vague instructions and not enough for any partner to go on by itself.

One last tip- the best thing you can do to completely undermine your dom is to tell her you don’t think she is *really* dominant, particularly because you aren’t feeling submissive. So when you work on getting your needs met, don’t sit around waiting for a real dom to make you do what you secretly want but don’t know yet. Work with your girlfriend and discover that magical place you both want.

That’s my advice- you guys want to weigh in, in the comments?

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1 Comment

  1. Odin

     /  December 4, 2015

    Nope,
    you got it pretty well covered.

    I’d just emphasize the know what you want part. From my experience, being clear about that helps the dynamic along a great deal. If, however, you haven’t got the faintest, than I’d suppose being honest and experimenting is the next best thing. Try stuff out, make up your own mind about it, then talk it out, and re-evaluate.

    Some things, you’d thought you’d love, you’ll hate. Things you thought you’d hate, you’ll love just because she loves them.

    This has been said a gazillion times, but with good reason: “BDSM is not a contest” Be good friends and kind hearts first, if the relationship is sound, the kink will have something to stand on. The kink is your own, you do not need to emulate anybody else. If it works for both of you and gives you the “sexual warm and fuzzies”, you’re doing it right.

    All the best
    Odin

    Reply

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