Crazy Messages: Sessions for Salad Dressing Plz?

Salad dressingIt’s not unusual to get unsolicted messages on fetlife, as a woman. For a background my relationship to Wildcard is featured pretty prominently, and my profile is set to events only. If I want to play with someone I prefer to initiate, but this has never deterred anyone.

Special Salad Dressing Man:

I just read your profile for the first time and found it quite interesting. I am 50 years old , a very elegant young 50, nice looking and respectful. I understand all rules I do not play publicly, only privately. I have a great track record with one particular domme in the city who right now happens to be on sabbatical. Would you be interested in talking to me to possibly interview me and see if I could serve you? You seem intelligent and are certainly lovely.

Okay, that wasn’t so bad. I’m not a pro, so this guy is barking up the wrong tree. It hasn’t crashed and burned yet… and he messages again before I even check my mail. This will become a pattern. Note bene, baby subs, do not bombard.

Special Salad Dressing Man:

And by the way I just love your pictures… they are suggestive and yet not tacky in the slightest. I also noticed that you have really really lovely hands and fingers which is somewhat of a thing for me and I should say that by extension I also adore beautiful feet.

Ooops, another message.

Special Salad Dressing Man:

Random thoughts… I have no reason to believe you would ever entertain seeing me much less talking to me especially given that my profile is so obviously better although I will only suggest in self-defense that it is strictly for discretionary purposes. I am as I said I am – very experienced and very polite and have seen who I think is probably the best domme in the city for a long long time.

And another message five minutes later. This guy is jumping in his seat.

Special Salad Dressing Man:

I noticed in your profile where it denotes the things you like… and it says that you like giving fisting which instantly created a lump in my throat!!! which of course goes back to my comment on your beautiful petite hands and fingers…

Okay, hold your horses dude.  Although someone should tell Donald Trump we found him a tiny hands fetishist.

Special Salad Dressing Man:

What is a random make-work order? I sincerely did not mean to give any offense by asking if I could serve you and yes it is premature perhaps of me to have done so but I just thought as I always do to politely ask a question and one is always free to tell me yes or no.

Ugh, time to reign this guy in. My response:

Miss Pearl:

I am at work, so my replies may be a bit succinct.

Here is the leaping off place: http://www.omisspearl.com/i-want-to-serve-miss-pear…

I am not looking for sexual service at this time. I am also not a professional- this is simply my life.

I would not be an easy or fun person to serve for most people. If you are expecting the domintarix experience this is the wrong place to look.

So with that in mind, what is you expectations for what service would involve?

And he responds instantly. He must have came with the excitement.

Special Salad Dressing Man:

To be honest I lead a traditional vanilla life and am a professional…i have played only in sessions as a sub for many years but frankly I’m a little bored and at this point I am not exactly sure what I am looking for per se or how I could maybe be of interest to you and that is as honest as I can be. I do like sessions I do like intelligence I do like creativity but more than that I would ask how would I be able to be of interest to you…

He still seems to think he can book me by the hour. The link, by the way, includes service options like “take pics of cool things you saw” or “share recipes.” He will latch onto that latter thing like a limpet.

Special Salad Dressing Man:

I read your leap off link and perhaps you might think this is funny but I think the only thing I could possibly offer you is a picture of the one and only cake I bake which happens to be phenomenal and incredibly simple! I love cooking and wine so I can offer you pictures of things I make that I usually photograph but more than that I think I would sadly be of no use to you.

No use to me? Yeah, probably, but I try to be polite and respond to every message, even it it’s with constructive criticism. I don’t mind the clinet/pro thing in the abstract, it’s just not the be all and end all of femdom. And of course before I message him again he keeps sending messages to me.

Special Salad Dressing Man:

I was not looking for any sexual services and of course having played were served for many years I know that very first rule. Having said that, if you had nice feet I would love to bring you gorgeous wine in return for being able to worship only your feet. I have very high standards in the company I keep as I suspect you do as well and so if there were anything I could do to convince you that I just might be the needle in a haystack I am ready to do so.

I assure you, he is very, very much looking for sexual services. He continues to send me new messages by way of paragraph breaks.

Special Salad Dressing Man:

As I think I mentioned, the Mistress I served is on sabbatical and so while you seem terribly nice and beautiful and intellectual and very inviting in a certain odd way even though I don’t know you, if I can’t accommodate some of your wishes would you Perhaps know of someone who is off the beaten path somewhat private excellent gorgeous and looking to have a slave serve them in session? I am quite frankly tired of all of the fake inexperienced one leg off the stripper stage Dommes who are anything but that …there is one excellent Domme in my mind in the city and she and I have a great relationship but she is on sabbatical.

 Holy shit dude. I am NOT a booking service, and believe me there is no femdom, pro or non-pro, who wants to listen to you bitch about other women. Sigh, time to set you straight.

Miss Pearl:

You need to stop using me to try to procure you a sex worker (which before you argue, is what pro domination is). That is like going on facebook and asking a random women to find you a girlfriend. Or to be more accurate, asking her to find you an escort. That is weird. O.o

If you want femdom on demand, pay the $300+ an hour for a professional who will give you your fantasy. If you message strictly lifestyle doms like me, we aren’t in it to act like femdom porn, anymore than I suspect your probable wife is the same as a vanilla porn actress.

And fucktard decides he couldn’t possibly be doing something wrong.
Special Salad Dressing Man:

So I can understand your reply and I even thank you for it however what you inferred was not my intention nor do I wish to argue the point I am sure you received so many solicitations that it would lead you to the sort of reply you furnished me with… best to you

There is no honour in herding idiots, but I am a one woman crusade for exceptional honesty.

Miss Pearl:

I will be abundantly clear, serving me is not a neat, tidy experience where you pay-to-play. Not with money, not with wine. In the unlikely event you are actually useful or entertaining to me I would consider it. But you would probably find my idea of fun unsatisfying. Consider that fair disclosure that you would never get what you wanted.

Stupidhead, of course, assumes we are now haggling. I imagine this is the best response he’s gotten in months.
Special Salad Dressing Man:

I still may be interested but perhaps you can give me a sense of what it is you would be willing to entertain and then we can either decide to move forward or not but I am interested and I am in open-minded person

He wants to know my price.

Miss Pearl:

I gave you a list.

It would be dishonest to say that I wasn’t still poking him just to see what stupid would come out next.
Special Salad Dressing Man:

I guess ‘fun’ is the operative word and certainly subjective but like I said I am open minded and I am definitely not judgemental

Ok, whatever dude. In the unlikely event the next message is a baked brie with pine nuts… eh. Whatever. I don’t buy lottery tickets but if you say things I want to hear I talk to you.
Miss Pearl:

Have fun with the list. If I see anything come of that, my consideration extends from there.

Nope, fucktard doesn’t get it. But now he wants to talk about the most personal thing he can find in my blog. He’s like an anti-pick up artist!

Special Salad Dressing Man:

If you are referring to pictures of baked goods and graphic arts services and other things on the list such as tipping as one would a street performer then I guess I would just have to say those are nice things one would do it’s not my idea of fun per se although the The locational sharing of recipes and transfer of foodie pictures is fun amongst my friends and myself and we do it often. I will say though that I had fun reading some of your writings. I even read about your estranged relationship from your mother which I have no right to comment on but I did read it

More messages. Demands now. Gotta check the teeth and kick her tires, right?

Special Salad Dressing Man:

I am quite sure you do not have any more time for me so I will just have one simple question which i will have left my imagination or perhaps you can post one…do you have nice feet …because I adore your hands 🙂

Maybe you can also tell me what is it you like most about fisting?

Note he’s back to femdoms-are-fetish machines. First he tries to buy foot “worship” with wine, but since that didn’t tempt me he’s going to try something else.

Special Salad Dressing Man:

I just read your last message and so if I send something for half interesting or a delicious recipe to your PO Box you might consider something else?

New message again, still at least five minutes apart. Wait for it…

Special Salad Dressing Man:

For example do you like salad? I might be prepared to some send you something very utilitarian that could be used every day… 🙂

Salad!

Miss Pearl:

Clearly I have horrifying bird talons hidden under my long skirts, which I use to rend people who ask for free sex chats disguised as polite inquiry into my personal life.

And he’s a liar, having just asked about fisting/feet pics.

Special Salad Dressing Man:

Once again I think you have misunderstood. I am not looking for free sex chats or even paid ones. It was simple curiosity.

Ignoring him again.

Special Salad Dressing Man:

Do you like salad?

Still ignoring. Again with the salad.

Special Salad Dressing Man:

Because what I might offer you is a 120-year-old recipe that is said to be the best anyone has ever tasted. And i do not give this out light’y.

Is it like the Neiman Marcus cookie recipe?

Special Salad Dressing Man:

And by the way I only asked you questions that you yourself had written or commented on in your profile

Ah the old “I am entitled to demand you elaborate on everything sexual because you are not in a burkah” logic.

Special Salad Dressing Man:

Like you I do not give things away for free so if you want to see something fabulous arrive in your PO Box I would have to know what “other considerations” could possibly entail and then and only then will I decide if I want to shoot first. Most sincerely.

Hey lady, I have SALAD DRESSING FOR YOU! Y U no want my salad?!

Special Salad Dressing Man:

You may be busy although I suspect you’re just generation YS and E

Generation what? Okay, nevermind, he flounces.

Special Salad Dressing Man:

Ciao

But the next day he’s back! With more salad dressing to tempt me with!

Special Salad Dressing Man:

So you want a kick ass salad dressing that will Give you culinary pleasure for the rest of your life and in return I would potentially get what 1,2, sessions with you, if that and maybe never even one, and I’m supposed to just send you the best salad dressing ever on the planet?

Ok dude, your wife is probably looking for where her salad dressing went.  Public service time.

Miss Pearl:

A) I am not for sale. I write (free!) erotic fiction, organize fetish events, etc… But I do not offer “sessions”. Sessions are a strictly professional dominatrix thing. Don’t cold call lifestyle doms for sessions, it is the kink version of trying to hire someone as a hooker on facebook.

B) The women who do sell services charge upwards of $350 an hour and are not available for salad dressing or “nice” wine. In my case the answer is no even if you busted out your checkbook and paid the market rate.

However, think I see why you are having problems finding a naturally dominant women. You treat all of us like fetish delivery services and your pretensions of luxury exceed your budget by a large margin.

I occasionally choose play partners outside of my relationship, but you have completely failed to pique my interest, despite me being incredibly patient and up front about what my interests and needs are. It is noteable how little interest you have in me as a person that you still leapt to trying to buy me, despite all the other options.

You also persisted in trying to get me to discuss thrusting my hand into your anus. Dude, I don’t know you. Just because a woman is open about her sexuality does not mean she was put on this earth for your personal titillation.

Leaving aside your obsession with treating all doms like pros, you are clearly married/sneaking about and the literal age of my father, you are tedious, needy and offer so little satisfaction to an actual “lifestyle” dom that I am confident you will never get what you are looking for.

But the last word must be had so… I should mention that while he was derping out about his SPECIAL SALAD DRESSING I was busy telling the guy who assaulted me to get bent.

Special Salad Dressing Man:

A very angry soul indeed…. how sad

After this last reply from me he blocked me, muttering something about entitled fakes.

Miss Pearl:

Aww, muffin, you think someone trying to buy a foot job with two buck chuck is in a position to be patronizing. That’s adorable!

Gracious he was verbose! Well, I hope he brings entertainment to all of you- some of you did ask why I was sniggering about salad. It never persists to amaze me how much guys think that a femdom is automatically A) available and B) owes them their fetishes served with a smile.

The picture was randomly selected from http://food.allwomenstalk.com/simple-salad-dressings-from-some-easy-base-recipes

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3 Comments

  1. John

     /  October 17, 2016

    Hey lady, I have SALAD DRESSING FOR YOU! Y U no want my salad?!

    That was the exact point I snorted Diet Dr. Pepper thru my nose. Sorry this happened to you but damn you are a great writer. Your books are awesome as well. While I do have a pretty rocking Beanie Weenie recipe, I think I will just let you be and enjoy your literary talents from afar.

    Thanks for all you do.

    Reply
  2. locked1200

     /  October 17, 2016

    hilarious. although, along with the many other dim witted inquiries you must receive, very tiring on your end I would imagine..
    thanks for sharing.. Hopefully men reading will take some notes ✔️

    Reply
  3. Annie Delacord

     /  October 17, 2016

    I know that people often say that you need to “sell your salad” to get the job you want but this guy may have taken that waaaay to seriously.

    This was like watching a train wreck that manages a triple axel twist off the side of a canyon before it explodes. XD

    Reply

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