BDSM dating

How To Find A Domme

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Ok! So you are into this, and you want to find a partner to experience your kinks with. You may have been inspired by the porn you’ve watched or seen, or maybe you had a few past experiences with someone that set you on the quest to replicate your discovery, and find a domme. Now what?

This post intends to be a comprehensive introduction to trying to find a woman to dominate you, and the bare bones of getting a femdom relationship to be more likely to happen. Long time readers might think this is all very basic but, it comes up over and over again in discussion forums dedicated to kink, and in my inbox. Should this information help, please share it- it’s a great way to help other kinky folks better get the help they need.

(I do warn that if it seems like I’m using the phrase “find a domme” over and over again, this is intentional. Search engines are dumb and will toss repetition higher in ranking, meaning it’s easier for people like you, the reader, to find this information even if you are stuck googling.)

And, of course, this isn’t the last word I have said or will say on the subject. For a short form version, here’s 8 things to help you find a femdom. I also did a link post on how to find a mistress, for other resources.

So, where to start, to find a domme?

Let’s assume you are the most basic of novices. You are currently a single adult…

You have two options that are fairly different: a professional domme (prodom and dominatrix are other common terms she might use) or the so called “lifestyle femdoms”. The latter are a lot closer to a wife, girlfriend or friend with benefits, as far as finding them, while the former means hiring a sex worker.

Finding A Domme By The Professional Route

[DISCLAIMER] I am a lifestyle only femdom so the information here is not based on being a primary source. There are many professionals who have written more nuanced, insider perspectives on their business.

The chief advantage of the professional route is that you can get the closest from-porn-to-demand experience, and the only strings tend to be basic human respect and a significant outlay of money on your part. Unfortunately most places stigmatize and/or criminalize sex work, so you and your provider both assume some risk. Note that of the various sex workers you could see, the prodom is less likely to offer explicitly sexual contact (touching your genitals, sometimes even pegging) than many other categories (such as escorts, massage parlours, etc…). Also, depending on the laws of you area, the conversation on how to try things like pegging can still be complicated.

Professional femdoms are usually extremely up front about their advertising, although they range on skill, experience and selectiveness.

You can expect her to ask for references or some sort of identity verification on your part, and a deposit is normal. It is ok to politely ask for references from her, and most professionals are extremely patient with the new and confused. She almost certainly has a website or clear guidelines on what she wants, and your ability to follow those are going to be part of how she screens to make sure you are not terrible.

Not ready for in person? There is also a whole host of remote services, from camgirls and phone sex (now voip enabled!), to women who work as a sort of adults only influencer, producing porn content through sites like OnlyFans or Clips4Sale, but allowing you to pay for more personalized fan access.

Do keep in mind that a prodom is probably is not looking for a full time relationship, and she vastly prefers if you read whatever pricelist, client requirement or menu she has published as a FAQ. Expect her to be extremely strict with her boundaries and time- she has to be.

I’ve already spoke exhaustively about the trade offs in other posts here and why I make a big deal about not being a pro femdom. However, speaking from a less me focused perspective: In your paid experience, expect her to be in the business of creating an immersive fantasy. She may be personally into what she is doing and a lot of pros value their vocation, but her connection with you is a lot closer to other forms of body work and emotional labour, like a barber, personal trainer, massage therapist, or a life coach. Don’t expect this to be the gateway into magic kink land where she lives as she does in a session, at all times.

Nonetheless, the connection you share might be intimate and meaningful. What she is offering is not fake, just that she’s deeply simplifying everything for you and taking a lot of the up front risks.

The Lifestyle Femdom Search

Here’s the illusion buster: a non-pro relationship means dealing with the whole woman. Much of the same challenges of heterosexual dating and hooking up exist here, except there’s the extra bonus that many dommes sincerely don’t realize what they are into could overlap with what you are into.

There are a vanishingly small number of women looking for pick-up-play with people, much like it’s hard to find women actively seeking a vanilla one night stand. I don’t personally feel women are less horny than men, but unless you are living under a rock, you know the social and physical risk, and the high chance of an unsatisfying experience generally favour being much more restrained, and hiding your interests, than it does for a man.

Find a Domme By Meeting A Lot of Women

Sorry, part of this is a numbers game. I wish I could tell you that you could easily follow a quick flow chart of steps 1 through 37, but you, the human have to do all the stuff that makes humans generally attractive (good health, a passing awareness of fashion and what looks good on you, learning how to carry on a conversation) and talk to people.

I can give you some tips to make your search more efficient, but this is still not going to be fair or necessarily easy. You could be a nervous virgin or the local Lothario, but the path to finding a partner doesn’t especially change just because you have particular needs.

Looking in the Kink Community to Find a Domme

Your nearest BDSM community has a few openly dominant women, either switches or not, and some of these women are more casual about who they play with. This is not a bad port of call to start with, but absolutely go into this not with the desire to bag a girl right away and skip off into the sunset, but put yourself in the proximity of kinky women and to learn stuff.

And… don’t just try to learn from the dominant women. Talk to the other male subs. Talk to the male doms. Talk to the female subs. Talk to the switches. Talk to the plethora of nonbinary humans who may fall anywhere on the spectrum of kink interest. Think of it as your chance to sponge up information about anything from safe play, where to buy or how to make gear, and new kinks to try, through to watching other people’s drama as educational bad examples.

Vanilla Places to Find a Domme

Your next best place to find a femdom is in alternative or nerdy communities. Goths, pagans, LARPers, tabletop RPGs, polyamory support groups, the burlesque scene and so on tend to favour women who are more open minded and imaginative, and this tends to extend further to their approach to the bedroom. Again, this isn’t a slam dunk scenario where you can order a dominant out of a catalog, but if you find someone you have mutual attraction to, the conversation is likely to go a lot more smoothly.

More on flirting and asking for what you need later, because the third best place to look is your immediate pool of who you would normally date. The trick, when you want to find a domme in your own pool of typical matches (co-workers, friends of your friends people who share your hobby, religion or ethnicity, even people on dating sites) is knowing how to get that conversation open without embarrassing or scaring either of you.

Asking For What You Want

Tell the average woman you want to be dominated, and she will not know specifically what you mean by that. She probably has some pop culture ideas of the gothy, harsh mistress in a corset who doesn’t particularly like men. She probably also has some equally terrible stereotypes about what sub guys look and act like. Unfortunately, parallel to your quest to find a Domme, femdoms have their own barriers to self discovery. Therefore, how you frame the subject will go a long way to how it comes across and one of your main goals is avoiding getting you both stuck in unappetizing stereotypes.

This is not because all women want a hyper dominant alpha bull god who is 6’11” and counter balances his enormous penis by stuffing his back pockets with thick wads of cash. This is because the commonly understood idea of what a dominatrix is, outside of those with much real experience with kink, is a service job meets every negative stereotype about women. Even if you absolutely positively mean that when you want to find a domme you want just the fetish mistress in the leather uniform who hates acts like they don’t like you, you will still need to break down what you want, and what boundaries that will happen in.

You need to answer what it means to you, personally, to find a Domme, before you can communicate that to a partner.

Do you just like her being the ultimate arbiter of things in your relationship at large? Do you like nurturing and pampering? Do you get aroused from feeling jealous? Do you like the sense of humiliation? Or is it being helpless? Or both? Or is it being extremely looked after and cherished?

Do you have specific fetishes like feet, or being spanked? Do you want things in your butt? Do you want a plastic or metal thing on your genitals she carries the key to? Wear lingerie?

If you can’t answer those questions, she won’t be able to figure out what makes your cock throb. If she likes sex and she likes you, she probably wants to know more. But, if your plan is to just go supine at her feet and say you want to be dominated, expect your quest to find a domme to be a disaster. You need self knowledge.

Of course, if you have no practical experience, your likes and dislikes are theoretical. Nonetheless, you can still probably break down your porn to particular aesthetics, acts, etc…

Flirting Like a Sub and Being Attractive to Women

If you haven’t noped out by this point, and are still reading… Let’s talk about advertising yourself. I already told you to play the numbers game, now you optimize.

Being attractive. Every human has the potential to improve on what they were born with. Maybe you look like an emaciated toe after the scurvy set in, but someone fucked your ancestors. Knock out the low hanging fruit (hygiene, fit of your clothing, any health problem you can afford to treat, cardiovascular fitness and enough muscle to hold your body upright).

What do the women you find attractive generally go for? Ok, take “Creep” off your stereo. There’s all sorts of personal, subculture specific sorting people do. Beyond that, what media do these women consume? What do advertisers try to sell them as far as men? This is how to human 101, but I am writing this assuming you got the masculine upbringing that specifically punished you, explicitly or implicitly from showing an interest in girly things, so if you are a normal fellow I am giving you valuable recon information.

Playful surrender and alluring teasing. Ok, fine, now the good stuff. Your teeth are brushed. Your shirt fits. You realized the kind of $blonde you like generally prefer hangs out with guys who affect a surfer look. Whatever. The nice part about kink is it is actually surprisingly polite to take public. Flirting as a sub is all about sending out test balloons.

No, obviously you can’t ask your coworker flat out to be your keyholder as the first word go. Flirting is about building up a slowly escalating rapport which, because humans are so notoriously bad at judging, lets either of you safely exit the process at any time

I have a pet theory that the ability to navigate social nuance is the true peacock display, swollen rump or stag horn grapple of the human species, but leaving off the pet evolutionary biology theories of the author, and back to helping you…

The three things you need in your would be domme are the enjoyment of being in a one up position, a degree of open mindedness and/or a creative but romantic streak, and an attraction to male vulnerability.

Your best flirting tactics to open the conversation and test the ground is to see how she reacts to you casting her as in charge (eg “you’re the boss, yes ma’am, I know who’s the queen of the office, I know my place around you”). To see about how likely kink is going to go poorly, check how she responds to what if scenarios (eg if she has a great deal of scorn for non-conformity in her peer and an assumption people only work a particular way in gender roles, she probably won’t respond well to the idea of pegging you). Lastly, check how she sees men in distress, pain, etc. Empathy is the twin of sadism, so being very caretaker-y or liking comedy where the victim suffers could both be examples of tells. Your job is to not escalate too fast, and both give you room to step off, if you need to show her no harm done, or segue back into just friends.

Lastly I want you remember that every relationship is unique to the people involved. It’s probably going to be a fusion of your aesthetics, tastes, kinks, things that you mutually create and discover, and the exact same for hers. Your functional femdom will probably not look off the rack, straight from the porn or otherwise be by the numbers. Embrace the custom fit.

Thus, I am not promising you a magic bullet, but you will end up a fair lot closer to your goal than if you just set out to find a domme cold. And hey, I pay for my own hosting, toss a Kofi to your blogger?

The Big Mistake Even Good Submissive Men Make When Looking For A Femdom

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Male subs, stop asking for the relationship you don’t actually want with a dominant woman.

This pertains to you, the guy who is thoughtfully and carefully filling out a profile to put his best foot forward on the internet, or sending out your messages nervously and respectfully as you can, to try to convince what you see as a rare, nice femdom woman that she should be into you, or at least not knee jerk delete your greeting. This is talking to the guy who tells people, as reassuringly as he can, that he is “very submissive” and will do anything to make them happy while trying hard not to rule anything out by being specific. Or the guy who helpfully fills out that he’ll do house chores, chauffeur her around, anything really, as long as she will just deign to accept him or even talk to him. Or the person who petitions women like he should be apologizing for wasting the carbon than makes up his body mass.

Not all of you sub guys should actually be doing this. It’s actually hurting your chances at making a human connection.

Yes, it’s not a good idea to lead with a barrage of demands, and nobody likes a laundry list of fetishes in their inbox or a partner who has how you’ll act all mapped out. But, if you’re at all a long time reader of this blog, you probably aren’t dealing with the level of selfishness or stupid, which leads you to message women with “wanna meet at my hotel while I’m in town for business and spank me and fuck my ass?!”. 

I’m talking about the fact that a lot of sub guys prepare themselves to please an internalized idea of what a femdom is. In most people’s minds, that’s a very client-and-pro styled relationship, where the assumption is that the woman is not willing and eager in her own right. It’s, at the very least, a hyper exaggeration of the idea that nice girls really don’t wanna and need to be bribed and cajoled into it. I’ve rattled that cage often enough this should be old hat right now, that a lot of us dominan women love it for its own sake. However, what isn’t being said, but needs to be said is this-

A lot of you guys aren’t actually into either being unpaid domestic workers or Mr. Everybody’s Servile Cur and you are still selling yourself that way because you think that’s the Right Thing to Do. For every silly boob who writes me calling me “Mistress Goddess Lady Divine” because he wants it to be true, there’s a not so silly bloke who thinks I simply delete anyone who doesn’t address me like I was some sort of fantasy nobility and thinks it’s a protocol thing he has to go through because otherwise he’s not a Good Submissive (TM). And it’s past time we stopped demanding every guy with a submissive fantasy act like a simpering sycophant or an emotional masochist before the relationship even gets off the ground. Afterwards? That’s up to you- but before? This trend is not helping.

Real life example time:

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Profile (And Approach): Part 2, Writing About Yourself

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This is part 2 on my advice for how to make your profile sell yourself effectively. Last time we talked about choosing the perfect profile picture, and so now you can be confident you have the visual side of your search taken care of. But what about the text part?

Your Profile Text Opens a Conversation

Many websites, from fetife to collarme allow you to have some personal space to talk about yourself. If you’re not a big writer, this part is particularly daunting. Nonetheless, it’s a great way to intrigue people with what sort of person you are. And, when crafting your profile there’s a few things to take into account that will maximize positive results.

Avoid the Negative

One of the most common dating  methods people use to check for the stability of the person is how bitter or negative they seem. Thus profiles like “Are there any good women out there?!” or “No fakes, time wasters or crazies!”, rather than warning people away, make them feel like you’re surrounded by a dark cloud of drama. People who are ghastly don’t think they are ghastly, and it won’t protect you.

Do not make a big deal about your negative qualities either. Even if you think you’re ugly or unattractive, let other people be the judge of that. Your adult acne is another person’s “rugged, rough good looks and ruddy complexion”, your lack of experience with sex is another person’s “touching and enthusiastic innocence”.

If you need to qualify something you don’t want, try to phrase it in a positive way. For example if you don’t want to be involved with pro-work, avoid angry tirades. A simple “I prefer my D/s to be part of a romantic relationship, not a financial relationship.” gets your point across best.

Describe Yourself, Not Someone Else

Another common mistake people make, both in kink and vanilla dating, is spending more time telling people what they’re looking for and not enough time talking about who or what they are. This would be as if you  applied for work at a company by describing the company to them instead of sharing your resume.

So “I’m looking for a cruel, strict dom with ebony hair and crimson lips” or “I want a male submissive who is slightly chubby and into puppy play” does not help. People who meet that description have no reason to know that they would be attracted to you. Furthermore people who meet these characteristics may not recognize that they have them or will be worried you are only interested in them because of those factors.

It’s okay to mention the types of relationships you like, but they should be showing who you are as a person in relation to that. And remember, you are not your fetishes, they are a a part of you.

Talk About More Than Sex (or Love)

Even if you want a quick lay or a relationship based on sex, letting your personality shine out is part of what makes you attractive. And it can seem tempting to talk only about the sort of relationship you want, it’s rather as bad as talking only about the sort of person you want.

Everyone has at least one good feature and beauty standards are so flexible that there are positive words for even things that are out of fashion right now. Hot people are often hot because of how they present themselves, not just a nice face or figure. And extroverts and introverts are just as attractive to the right person.

Things to think about:

  1. Are you more passive or active in daily life? Shy? Out going?
  2. Is your sense of humour mean or sweet? Do you like cute things? Are you sentimental?
  3. Realistically, what are your hobbies?
  4. Is this a bedroom or a lifestyle thing for you, ideally?

Talking about what you want, as far as fetishes, can be a particular challenge. You don’t want a laundry list of kinks, but if you’re trying to date kinkily, you probably want at least touch on them. However every couple (triad, etc…) has their own particulars so remember, the relationship you get will probably compromise and touch on some fetishes you have in common and some you don’t. You should also lead with your personality  hobbies and tastes in vanilla things first, kinks second. A lot of stuff that people would never normally consider is sexy with the right person.

Consider the Value of Shibboleths

A shibboleth is a marker of group membership, often arbitrary. We have a lot of inbuilt assumptions about certain characteristics. Dating websites like OKcupid let users tag themselves with hobbies and interests. Their data shows that this can have a powerful effect in initiating conversation. For example, atheists tend to glom onto each other.

When you create a profile, you should seed a few topics you are passionate about enough to have fun talking about them. More strategically, if you have interests that are particularly appealing to the types of person you are interested in, it’s worth emphasizing those. For example I like nerdy males, and it is to my advantage to signal heavily that not only will I tolerate your gaming night, but I’m liable to be the face behind the DM screen. (Yes I am nerdy!)

Format to Be Readable

Avoid wRiTiNG liek tis. Fetlife doesn’t let you get too out of control, but other websites let you choose other colours and fonts. Do not indulge too much in wild changes of colour or eye bleeding contrasts and text effects. Furthermore a quick once over can’t hurt you any and avoid typos that make you sound less intelligent that you are.

This is hardly and exhaustive look at profile writing, but it’s a good leaping off place for you.  In another post I’m going to give you some profile writing prompts to help inspire you about what to talk about.

 

 

Profile (And Approach): Part 1, The Picture

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Because I get lots of questions, I’m going to write a several part series on online kink dating. We’ll examine both how to fill out your profile and how to try to approach someone. First we’re going to look at the most eye catching part of your profile, the picture.

Picture Profiles Get Passed Over Less

Whether this is Collarme, FetLife or some other website, one of the best ways to avoid being passed by is to make sure you have some sort of image. General dating website research says that you’ll get people’s attention longer.

The Main Image

Ideally your first point of contact and main profile picture should be a flattering picture of you. This is not the place to demonstrate you’re the kinkiest mofo who ever logged into a naughty website. It’s not that there’s anything wrong with that, it’s that it’s going to be counter-productive to your goals. That means that your first picture should not be very overt- not a close up of Mr. Happy, rampant or caged up, not you in full gimp suit regalia or best frilly lady clothes. By all means, entice. It’s okay to drop little hints. But save the overtly sexual stuff for the next photo, okay?

According to OkCupid’s data crunching, their male users get the most attention if they don’t look directly at the camera and don’t smile. Women, on the other hand, get rewarded most for “flirty face” which OkCupid defines as cutesy posing and doing pouty stuff with your mouth.

The Seduction

If you’re not stuck resorting to an awkward cellphone camera in a mirror, it’s okay to be sneaky and pose. Got a faithful puppy or a cat to snuggle? Looking for a lady who is impressed by your sweet saxophone skills? Bring these props into the picture. Most digital cameras include a timer and enough memory to play around a bit. And trust me, you should take several photos. Nobody looks good in their first attempt.

Playful and friendly are going to attract more attention. Active photos with you doing things are conversation starters, even if you staged yourself doing whatever you’re showing. It’s one of the easiest ways to get an actual woman to message you. And again, this is backed up by the research- and works for both genders.

In the other direction, if you’re going to post a sexy pic, make it more of a tease than just a money shot, or at least add the tease in. Let’s say your first picture is something much more wholesome and you want a dick pic- no matter how proud you are of the size of your sausage (or excited by the prospect that it is nothing impressive and you want everyone to reach for their magnifying glasses) you want to make the lady eager to look. To try to describe a tease, without devoting an entire blog post to it, think about the journey, not the destination.

Anonymity

Some of you, for obvious reasons, don’t want your employer, or the parents of the kids you teach, or your dear sweet Baptist grandmother finding out what you do in your personal life. That is no reason to leave your picture completely blank though!

An actual picture of you is still better, even if you don’t show your face. Headless torso shots are popular, but this can be hit-or-miss. Abs also have a diminishing result with age- you 19 year old kinksters get better returns than you 49 year olds with cobblestone tummies.  If you’re not sure about the abs-and-chest look for you, put your shirt back on. But make it a nice shirt. And consider other body parts. No, not a crotch shot. Try, for example, an arm shot, with a dress shirt rolled to reveal a wrist cuff. Your interests will define your hints.

You can also try a picture of your bookshelf, if you’re a reader, or a nice shot of food, if you’re a foodie. Try to make that picture at least tangentially related to you, rather than random memes. The idea is a conversation starter. In fact your entire profile should probably be structured this way, to keep messages going.

If you put up a sexy picture, for example a porn image you borrowed, keep in mind that what you find sexy is going to attract guys just like you. Do you want to date a guy just like you? If not, you want to share something your target audience will find hot. You’re also going to make people super confused if you post a picture contrary to your orientation you’re identifying under, for example if you have a naked lady in chains when you’re looking for a dom.

General Advice

Clean up your background. Messy homes are not hot. But also move distracting laundry baskets, Kleenex boxes and cable spaghetti. You may bridle at the thought of displaying anything but unvarnished reality, but trust me; no person actually thinks you live in an immaculate set piece. You’re just taking out the clutter to get a cleaner visual.

Try to make your main self-portrait be just of you. You as the best man at your brother’s wedding, even if you have a nice smile, should at least be cropped so you don’t have to say “I’m the dude on the right”.

If you have the option to add a caption, do so. For example let’s say you’re posing with your guitar or your dog- “I picked it up in first year of college and jam once a month with my friends” or “Fido is a Yorkie/Great Dane cross I got as a shelter rescue” is only bonus stuff you to talk about.

Not photogenic? Quantity. Seriously, that’s how professional models do it, thousands and thousands of pictures. What do you think a strobing flash exists for?