I believe you can tell a lot about the quality of the information available to community by how searchable it is and right now that exact phrase “How to Get a Woman to Dominate You” turns up a disaster as far as results.
About 50% of humans seem to be at least vaguely kinky, with submissive fantasies being very common in all genders. Despite that, it’s an oft remarked comment of femdoms that the quality of the come ons we get and the education of our potential partners is more often than not, appalling. Guys who think we don’t exist. Guys who don’t know how to approach us. Guys who think we are weird fetish unicorns.
Why, with the sheer banality of the desire to be dominated, is this a thing?
A pretty common refrain is that men just don’t care to educate themselves, because sexism, but I don’t think that’s the entire picture. Although it’s easy to dwell on porn or poor social skills, the evidence is of a lot worse problem. The information just isn’t there to be found.
Lets say you are a an average straight-ish guy with a smart phone. You want to get femdom sexings, maybe with a partner, or maybe you just want ot know how it works. Just as you check everything from the directions to your doctors appointment and how to make a pot roast to if you have cancer or where to find latex strapon videos, you probably google that shit.
So I did, and here’s the first 10 results. It wasn’t pretty.
- The first hit is Goodlookingloser, a A MRA/PUA site, telling you that women just don’t find being dominant inherently hot. their tip is to trick her, PUA style y offering your individual fetishes as things you want because you find them sexy, to which he inherent desire to be sexy will cause her to reciprocate. Direct quote “Girls are not naturally dominant.“
- Then an Ask Men click -through article that is low on details and orphaned from anything BDSM community shaped.
- Then a guide to dominating women. >:(
- Then a guide *for* women on bustle, asking a man to dominate you.
- Then a Bad Girls Bible article for women telling them how to lead into a dominant role that is… actually not half bad.
- Back to dominating women. More text about how she will really want you if you do, a re-occurring theme.
- Then a Quora hit. It’s a specific scenario about trying to make femdom more appealing- not really a helpful answer but an honest one that not everyone’s going to be into your kinks, and a bit of explanation of “service topping”.
- Then we are back to another hit about dominating women from a wedding website.
- And another hit talking about dominating women and how it is what they really want.
- Finally, Stoya, over on the Verge, answers an agony aunt style sex question. Unfortunately the net nanny “over 18” is broken and wouldn’t let me pass through.
According to everything Google tells us about the monopoly provided by their service, the first page of search is usually the only one people every visit, and most people usually only click the first link or maybe the first couple of links. This means that Google thinks, algorithmically, the most useful search hit to a person looking for “How to Get a Woman to Dominate You” is in fact the following: “They don’t like to be because they no longer feel feminine and sexy.” and “Girls like to get fucked by a dominant, alpha male.”
Can you imagine how much that is fucking with sub men to read that?
As a femdom, it’s infuriating, because obviously I exist and I am over here buffing my muffin to precisely the shit the author thinks won’t glaze a wick on its own merits. But if you were a sub guy… soul crushing. Follow that with dead ends and a litany of reminders how much women want to be dominated and no wonder I am getting a trickle of people who sound like they met a mermaid-unicorn or can’t fathom that I have my own needs or desires.
We need to do better than that. While we are getting utterly slaughtered by the side effects of FOSTA/SESTA and the #Pornapocalypse, we are largely erased from the narrative by lack of searchability. For all that articles like my 33 things every submissive man should know or femdom stuff to make him do while you figure stuff out have gamed SEO a bit to get actually useful information out there, I can’t find any of my blogger friends easily and that’s a problem.
So do me a favour and throw your favourite advice articles and blog posts in the comments and I’ll try to get them carried out a little further.
6 thoughts on “How to Get a Woman to Dominate You: a Search Review.”
Gah! I knew it was bad, didn’t know it was THAT bad.
I know there are some I’m forgetting, but here’s the good stuff I could remember/find–
Not a blog post, but can’t overlook Ferns’ book: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B073FWZSFW/ref=dbs_a_def_rwt_bibl_vppi_i4
Blog post about the book: https://www.domme-chronicles.com/2017/07/how-to-find-a-dominant-woman
She’s got a couple blog posts on it that don’t go into as much depth: https://www.domme-chronicles.com/2017/07/top-ten-tips-for-finding-a-dominant-woman
Stabbity is on hiatus, which is a sad, but she has some good posts about introducing your partner to femdom:
And how to meet people without going to munches:
And a run down of what she looks for in messages from subs, which won’t apply to everyone, but is certainly helpful:
Hi Miss Pearl, I used to communicate with Mistress Bonnie from Australia via chat and email She has a very informative site called collar and cuffs. She is fine, giving, caring human being. Her outreach/education site is called Collar and Cuffs. it is at : http://collarncuffs.com/mainpage.html
The search results are obviously very bad and depressing. From a personal perspective I’m kind of intrigued why that is. Apologies if this is irrelevant/annoying, but search is an area I’ve spent some time in, so I’m always interested in horrible failures.
This kind of query is a question, which requires some semantic understanding of its structure. Search engines in recent years have got much better at these, but it requires a lot of active work and investment to make it work, rather than simply matching words. That means you need to train search engines to understand topics and context, and when it comes to adult topics, big companies have a horrible bias against them. They worry a lot more about accidentally showing adult content to the unwary than correctly surfacing it to those looking. I’ve written about this dynamic in the past: http://www.femdom-resource.com/2015/03/03/blogocalypse-cancelled-for-the-moment/
So I suspect what happens here is the Question/Answer features in Google give-up because they’ve never been trained on this topic, and it resorts to simply keyword matching. So it just surfaces the most clicked/linked/SEO’d content with the words ‘woman’ and ‘domianate’ in it, ignoring the actual meaning of the query.
Intriguingly, if you search for the same sentence with double quotes around it, then you actually get much better results. My top results for that are a link to Ferns, two links to your site, a link to my site, and other blogs that seems more relevant. That basically forces it to match the entire phrase, so while it still doesn’t ‘understand’ it, the matching is at least more focused.
Again, apologies if this is all off-topic. Why it happens doesn’t alter that it does and the impact that has on random searchers. But I think it’s interesting how a second order effect can enforce the status quo. Search companies don’t invest in adult area -> complex adult queries fail and do basic feature matching -> the common paradigm (maledom) wins a majority of results -> nobody in Google cares because nobody wants to stand up in a meeting and claim how they fixed this type of adult query.
And obviously when it comes to favorite blog posts – I’m biased towards my own :-).
Perfect, I will try these tips with my GF:)
I don’t want to include any links (other than agreeing that Ferns has great information on her books and blog!) because I have been out of the loop for a while and also I am not a dominant woman or a submissive man. However, I wanted to say a few things. First, I find your blog fabulous. I think you are an extremely intelligent person and I love reading your perspective. I also find you hilarious with things like “buffing my muffin”.
What I did want to say is I struggle from my realm a lot with the same problem. My issue is if I search lesbian FemDomme or lesbian domination or submission then I get mostly porn that is made for men and no real information or help.In fact, to test the theory again, I just searched lesbian submissive to see what information came up and the very first link is a definition that says a lesbian submissive prefers to be the receiver of sex. Wtf?! I get so frustrated walking blindly in the dark trying to find information to help me with how I feel being somewhat new in the lifestyle still that more than once I have given up and walked away from it. I ask my heterosexual F/m friends I have on twitter sometimes because at least they can help some with advice even if it doesn’t pertain to the F/f.
So I think it’s great you are trying to gather a bunch of information for F/m and I hope you are able to make a great collection of very informative places for males to start out.
Thank You for valuable resources!
It would be precious to our community if You share Your thoughts about aspects of ‘alpha’ male subjugation..
would love to crawl and grovel at Your feet,