So things ended with Strong. Sadness documented in other posts.
We never had monogamy, but I never got further than play with friends and a spot of light molestation. It didn’t feel right, up until it was basically over with Strong, and at that point the relationship falling apart just meant I felt frustrated and neglected. And small amounts of drama occurred which I will explain later.
Somewhere along the way I acquired one of those online dating profiles. Under the general theory that I’m a tough cookie who won’t let a little setback having to break up with someone after many patient months get me down, I busily answered questions (allowing them to conclude I was much more kinky than the average, as well as independent and not very romantic, not sure how I feel about that last part) and took some flattering selfies. From there I set out to tentatively find out what exactly the boys were like out there with an eye to being open minded. My head’s a little messed up by stuff, but it couldn’t hurt, right?
For an extra oomph I seeded my profile with hints of my precise brand of kinkiness, and set about with the rating of profiles that okcupid gently nudges you to do. And lo and behold I got a message.
“Is your name [Pearl]?”
Okay. There’s no way that is going to end well. And no, it did not…
As you know, after my Divorce last January, I joined a LARP group and got heavily and happily involved in a large number of nice nerdy folk. They’re about my age and have interesting lives including other things besides playing make believe.
And a week or two ago, I went out dancing with some of these folks. And I am fun and pretty and dance, if not well, than with great enthusiasm and little self consciousness. Among the people there that night was a man I shall call “Eyeballs.”
Eyeballs has an actual name, but was made most distinct by the fact that he was trying to bore a hole through me with the aforementioned gaze capacity all night. I did not particularly find him attractive, through no fault of his other than the staring and lack of talking. Wistful leering is not my thing. Unfortunately he looked nothing like his profile picture so I did not know to run away when he popped up, initially. So there was a quick fumble as I tried to figure out where I knew the guy from.
It’s also worth noting that I am nursing a weensy bit of a crush over one of the males in the social group, a vulnerability that crept up and grabbed me by the ears about when I realized things were not going to work out with Strong. Right now my main desire is to avoid acting like a crazy person, while grimly looking at the risk to my heart and having it stomped on, especially after Strong basically gutted my self confidence. So rather than thinking “we have so much in common!” even above and beyond staring men, I was thinking of the social impact this sort of inbreeding might have, especially not being into this guy and the greater situation beyond it.
So what went from a dubious experience with already cold feet quickly turned into this:
Unfortunately, the blunt truth didn’t seem politic so I began to seed my polite retreat, as he enthusiastically attempted to get to know me better. I warned him I really wasn’t sure I was ready to date and made other efforts to set him up for rejection kindly, knowing I was likely to see him again. We talked about my LARP, which was invitation only and did not include him, although he was familiar with all the players. It is worth noting that this is another warning sign.
This particular game makes a particular effort to prune or preemptively ban such people as embody the personality of “Mr. Catpiss Man“. The fact that he appeared to know everyone but mysteriously had no invitation to game told me that there was a very good reason.
Of course Eyeballs was curious how I met everyone. While nerdy gamers tend to be chill about BDSM, I suddenly did not feel what is usually the best way to reject guys kindly was going to work and want to come clean about my other um… hobby and how I’d heard about the game from Tashi. So pretty much this was what I was doing as I awkwardly fumbled through telling him on second thought this was a bad idea and lovelytomeetyouokaythanksbye… DISABLE ACCOUNT!
And so I retreated to lick my wounds and talk about my hilarious panic moment with friends. Who kindly informed me that Eyeballs was not just a random dude I was living in fear of having given the wrong idea, but otherwise known as “Angry” Eyeballs.
You see he had a bit of a past, especially were women were concerned. This pattern includes getting attached and feeling he called dibs should said women move in ways that display sexual agency and other men do not know that they are not supposed to take someone who belongs to him. And becoming wrathful and starting rumours, etc… Basically any evidence of my flirty ways, or a crush on someone else would be courting some kind of trouble.
And he had not grown out of this behaviour after over a decade. I was also warned that yes indeed, the “I’m a mean dom!” would not put him down, but rather suggest to him I might be trained to submit with proper encouragement.
So, when it comes to the online scene, pretty much this: