So, you want to not just be a dominant, but do dominant things with a partner…
Maybe he’s the sub who opened your door and now you want to keep the momentum by making things about your initiative now. Or maybe you don’t follow the stereotypical script and you’re not learning how to get your kink on to please a subby hubby- maybe what you’re looking for is the best way to introduce kink to a new guy or a vanilla boyfriend. Maybe you’re single and dreaming of a someday submissive. Maybe you’re not even sure about any of this and it’s all an experiment.
Regardless of your goals, here’s some femdom stuff to make him do to help get you rolling.
If you’re not both having fun, something’s gone horribly, terribly wrong. Always refer back to this rule if its not working and figure out why the fun is gone. Note that as the sub he can be having fun in the abstract over reaching way. (e.g. ‘Miss, this is ouchy!’ but later ‘OMG Miss that was sooo hot!’).
The Voice and Aura of Command.
Shoulders square, back straight, talk from deeper in your chest. Meet his gaze and hold it- make him be the one to look away. If he refuses to do it on his own, tell him to look away. Inversely if he has trouble looking at you, make him do so. It may feel like a cheap trick, but hey, putting someone a little socially off balance is great for making you the boss. Your posture helps carry the authority you are trying to embody.
Dominants don’t need special outfits, but it is not uncommon to use certain clothes or symbols to help you both get into the mood, particularly if this is an occasional dynamic and your partner and you normally have a more egalitarian dynamic going on. Of course, looking back to Rule #1, if the idea of a special outfit makes you feel weird or even bored, think about what you feel most comfortable in. Whether that’s your interview get up or your birthday suit (fuzzy slippers remain popular with real life doms all around the world), the main thing is that you need to feel like you can be in charge and command attention that way.
Orgasm Control, Tease and Denial.
A lot of people of all kink orientations only want to do this in the bedroom and there’s not a thing wrong with that. Orgasm control is a safe fun thing to play with- by making use of his genitals, either coming or not, or teasing himself (or you teasing him) you get control of a part of his life that’s very personal and intimate, but also is unlikely to effect his job, family life, etc…
This can be a bridge that takes your kink outside the bedroom, for example putting him on a schedule to come or making him text you every time he has a naughty thought. This puts you in the drivers seat, while many people find that the sensation of being disempowered from their own bodies makes them feel a powerful connection to their dominant.
Meanwhile, being able to sexually tease can make you feel powerful. Keep in mind that contrary to stereotypes, not all men are a barrel of horny- if he’s not particularly responsive it is not a failure in you as a dominant- refer back to Rule #1 and see what works best for you.
Hurting People… Gently.
Sadomasochistic play can be controversial, because outside of kink and combat sports, no nice person wants to hurt other people. On the other hand, rough sex is as old as recorded history. We all understand that sexy can be exhilarating, marking and vigorous. S&M is really an extension of that, and can be as hard or as light as you like.
Butts are a popular target area because they are both fairly well padded against injury and packed with good nerve endings. The trick here is to start small and work your way up. You are also more likely to get results if your partner is already aroused- this tends to cause what would otherwise painful to translate into sexual stimulation. On the other hand, face slapping can be particularly tempting, but while a little stinging pat is harmless, keep in mind that human skulls are not designed to be shaken about. Punch drunk submissives are NOT a good thing.
To make your spanking or hitting session last longer, start very light, almost patting on bare skin or through clothes. Humans are weird, whacks that made him whimper the safeword in your first moments may be happily accepted or even shrugged off as he relaxes into you getting your way. Kinky people call the lighter hits a “warm up”, and this is pretty much what you’re doing.
The vulnerability of letting someone else hurt you is also a powerful source of submissive feelings for many people, even those who are not sexual masochists. It can also make you feel a strong emotional connection to your victim, both because of the enjoyment of the sense of power over them or because people find vulnerability cute.
Wooden spoons, clothes pins, his belt, and pretty much anything that appeals to your imagination and you have lying around the house can be perverted. Not sure about getting too mean or want to switch up your sensation menu? Try the humble ice cube. Held in the mouth, run over the body or even, if you’re feeling naughty, inserted (smooth ice only please!), small amounts of cold are a relatively safe source of sensation that everyone has access to.
Do not play pain games while stoned, high or drunk. We warned you.
A Little Bondage.
You don’t need to tie people up to be a femdom, but restricting people’s movement is a great way to make someone feel helpless. There’s a few basic things to remember, starting with safety. Rope, ties or handcuffs can cut off circulation and you mustn’t leave a bound person unattended. Scared now? Don’t be!
When you have someone tied up, just remember to periodically check their extremities for changes in temperature or colour, and you’ll be good to go. That being said, thinner bondage material is more likely to be pinchy, so if your rope is narrow, wrapping it several times prevents the pressure of the binding from concentrating on one spot. You may also want to invest in blunt tipped emergency scissors as the level up to bondage safety.
Still not sure about knots or cuffs? How about some Bondage Tape? It sticks to itself but not to anything else. It’s usually about $10 a roll at a sex shop- and is available non-kinkily as “vet wrap”.
Robe ties and bed posts are good. Ignore Cosmo’s horrifying idea to use your bra (in fact ignore pretty much all their advice in this department). Got a cheap pair of unlined metal play handcuffs? Put socks on your victim’s hands for instant bondage mitts with wrist protection. And one last thing- regarding suspending people- don’t hang people by their wrists with regular rope loop or cuffs, as wrists don’t work that way. Bondage enthusiasts either use special wrap ties or cuffs with extra support to prevent damaging their victims.
Bossing People For Fun.
Finding femdom stuff to make him do is often about flexing your power in a way that makes you feel good. Its not about being hijacked into highly specific service activities because they are popular in porn- for example if you’re a domestic goddess you don’t need to give up the kitchen just because you like to be the boss (although you can leave him all the dishes to wash after your latest baking spree, heeheehee).
If you and your partner are new to you taking charge, this can feel surprisingly daunting. The trick here is that to support you, when you give a command from a dom position, he has to to make a best effort to comply and you need to make your instructions feasible. So start small- a 30 point slave contract might start hot, but you’ll both get less burned out with one or two rules. Here’s some examples of rules you might try:
For a couple that’s bedroom only: “You are not allowed to wear clothing when you submit to me. I expect you do go into the bedroom, take your clothes off and wait for me, kneeling on the bed with your back to the door and your eyes closed until I am ready.”
For a couple trying a dynamic beyond the bedroom: “When we are alone together, you will call me (Miss/Mistress/Ma’am/My Lady/Beautiful).”
For a portable dynamic: “You will send me a sexy idea every day, by text, when you get home from work.”
For a service dynamic: “I expect flowers in a vase on my bureau, refreshed regularly. I will not find any wilted blossoms or… [some sort of kinky punishment]”
One of the things you should probably make a distinction about is instructions you absolutely must have followed to feel okay and instructions you are comfortable with having broken. Some subs are miserable getting punished for failures, while others find they can only enjoy sadomasochistic play in the context of “deserving” it. Incidentally, the jargon for some person taking charge and the other person deferring is power exchange.
Fetishes and You.
The term fetish and kink are commonly used interchangeably, but in common speech, a fetish refers to the miscellaneous extras that one of you either finds sexy or thinks that they might enjoy. This might be outfits, textures, body parts, etc… These things are valid to want, but by no means required for everyone, and will be very specific to the person.
that being said, it’s not uncommon for a woman who wishes to domme, regardless of per personal aesthetics, to be offered submission wrapped up in what her partner also fetishizes. Sometimes your partner may not understand certain things don’t have to be paired, for example he thinks wearing leather is a must for all female dominants, or he must be naked while you are clothed to be submissive.
It’s ok to have deal breakers (if you don’t like having sex to classical music, don’t!), but not all fetishes are nasty not subby interjections either. Working with them can give you more to play with.
The trick here is to remember that these are tools for your mutual benefit, but should not supercede you, and your sense of having power. For example, lets say your gentleman has a thing for white satin panties. If you always have to wear these panties to get what you want, you can very quickly find yourself frustrated to be stuck playing to his script. A lot of kink newbies get caught here.
Because of this, if he wants to support your dominance, he has to work with you to accept that the panties or other fetish object or behaviour don’t make the dominant, the dominant chooses the panties and brings their dominance to whatever they do. Be confident to break his script- you can indulge him if you want to without losing your place in a dynamic, but sustaining feeling dominant puts things on your terms.
On the other hand, maybe you are the one with the fetish- maybe you feel extra dominant when you make a man crawl on all fours and act like your pet, or flex his shoulders, or dress like Mr. Darcy. By all means, indulge yourself. Even if your fetish is not commonly associated with femdom stereotypes, its still ok.
Keep in mind that kink is a broad, big buffet, so your partner’s attitude towards things is going to be unique- as will yours! The dynamic you build together will not be a carbon copy of any other person’s dynamic- and if something isn’t working, don’t get discouraged. Just change your approach until you find what makes you happy.
A nice part about the evolving nature of a blog post is you can update it as more information becomes available.
I sincerely recognize the newbie femdom consider the work by Sharyn Ferns as another great way of jumping off from fantasy into doing. Kindle link.