Regular People Kinky Sex

It began with a light smack upside his head. Downton Abbey in the background. Rolling around, wrestling and kissing. Fucking him, on the couch, his arms thrown up over his head, pulled taut but the leather cuffs and the soft tangle of rope, not knotted up properly in some orderly fashion, but set just to hold him helpless.

My cunt, engulfed around him, hilting repeatedly, watching the shaft vanish into the dark pelt of my hair and the lurid pink of my labia. It’s the sort of view that sticks with me, turns me on later when I think about it. He’s swearing, because I’ve been teasing him earlier, palm and fingers, circle grip that swirls and drives him to whimper and arch his back. I note those human things, the way that as he loses himself in the sensations as he comes, his abs push out, legs folding.

Before, seeking, looking for the right button. Trying slaps, spidering my fingers into his armpits in scurrying hooks, seeking him groan as my hand slides under him and the sharpness of my nails scrape his back. Later, in the shower, I will see livid curls of red, tracks of where I rent him. When I uncuffed him, he asked me to rub his upper arms, where they were sore from the pulling and tingling from how he’d pressed into the wooden curve of the couch arm.

e[lust] #53 -I’m in it!

We (and by we I mean me) decided to try the e[lust] thing everyone else is doing. It’s very interesting because it’s generally writing for women and by women- although just to warn long term readers, not everything there is femdom- enjoy!

Welcome to e[lust] – The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at e[lust].  Want to be included in e[lust] #54? Start with the newly updated rules, come back January 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

~ This Month’s Top Three Posts ~

 

Do Not Consent

Found poem – UR so SXY

Kink is not a dirty word!

 

~ Featured Post (Molly’s Picks) ~

Being not doing; a thought about labels.

Take It For Daddy

 

 

~ Readers Choice from  Sexbytes ~

(All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. )

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More Inbox Detrius And Spanking

It is a factor of the open and relatively accessibly nature of the internet that you will end up talking to people you never would have met outside the free flow of online communication. From feeling less alone in the company of fellow people with a shared perspective on your already uncommon sexual kinks to watching rage filled forum flame wars between an articulate but poorly informed 14 year old with infinite free time and a 45 year old academic who wouldn’t even let the kid into their classroom under normal circumstances, you end up alternating between feeling like you’re part of a fantastic global community and contemplating becoming a hermit.

And then there’s the inbox spam.

If you maintain a bunch of accounts on various kink communities, and you are female, you will receive various and sundry unsolicited messages from men. Much of these are drive by, copypasta trying the spam approach to find a femdom, case in point:

Respected Ma’am, I want to be your slave. My team viewer ID is 601 922 712 and psswd is 1101. Please accept me as your slave ma’am. I have been a sub or into this mentality ever since my puberty ma’am. I know am not privileged enough to be your slave, but please give me an opportunity ma’am. I read your profile and I want to tell you frankly that no matter how hard I try, I can never deny the fact that am longing to serve a mistress truly and be her permanent slave. Please provide me that opportunity ma’am.

(Note, if he actually read my profile he’d know that the sort of deal he’s offering is decidedly not my style, and the “team viewer” thing just feels like an accident waiting to happen). Hundreds of messages like this get sent out, much like how there’s an effort to convince you to buy cheap V1gra form Canada for potency, or my spam traps on my blog collect recycled news articles with links hawking designer goods.

Or you get the more banal:

Want a dish of ballz salad ?

Which is not so much insulting, as degrading to the twit that decided to send it out. I imagine that message was the grand achievement of the poor silly bugger’s day.

And you get dragged into the weird psychosis of people who are looking for a wank under their terms, like the person trying their best to convince me they were an Arab woman who wanted nothing more than to send me large amounts of money to be insulted by a superior white femdom. And sent me dozens of messages, from multiple user accounts being unable to figure out why I’m just ignoring them. And pretending to be someone else telling me how I should wear my hair in pigtails. Because nothing makes a dominant woman happier than a stranger telling her how to style her hair to turn them on.

Now in “hurt me for being an Arab’s” case I’ve always had a hard time with ethnicity/race play. It’s not that I can’t be that flexible, it’s that asides from having a twitch-delete reflex about messages from people presupposing to be from North Africa and South Asia (or really anything in a particular equatorial zone) after one too many unfortunate mash notes, my inclination is to try to find a character motivation- and not being at all inclined to think of people as inherently superior/inferior on those lines, well, I’m kinda a lost cause unless you want British Empire themed porn. I could, in a fit of whimsy, colonize the hell out of you, but it would be like trying to discriminate against people from Minnesota.

Then there’s the arrogant male doms. Not content to limit themselves to harassing female subs, there’s a particular cadre of guys among whom hope springs eternal and all women are fair game, or who specifically target femdoms. They tend to come in two flavours: fast creep and slow creep.

Fast creep is the very forgettable “nees bich” bloke, or the ones who otherwise proposition everyone and everything female seeming with no particular targeting. The result comes across  like a horny blind man feeling up tree galls, and similarly show up in your inbox with the “mistress i am so submissive 2 u” messages that accumulate like chip wrappers under a poorly maintained shrubbery. You also get the men who ask you if you want a discreet chance to sub to them, or the ones who say they want to explore the other side a bit and can’t seem to understand why you don’t want to be propositioned to spank strangers. No big deal, just tedious.

Slow creep, on the other hand, doesn’t ask you to submit right out the gate, and often claims to be extending a hand of friendship, wanted or not. Then then start trying to flirt by being bossy or by mansplaining how you are Doing It Wrong. This sort of man usually goes from being vaguely like a creepy jovial uncle at you, to telling you how he can see the submissive inside just waiting to come out, or some such rot.

Once again I’m on the receiving end of another presumptuous dominant asshat’s efforts to be friendly and helpful. This one is happily dictating to me how I’m going to fail at as a dom for liking someone. He started off by asking who owns me now and how, since I have my profiles set to “no! taken!”, to discourage people only looking for a relationship bitching about me being off the market and not warning them.

Then he sent this:

Once a Mistress like you “forms an attachment” then her Mistress persona is diminished.

I dare say your gentleman nemesis now has the upper hand. That’s not to say that he will be spanking you. But you know what I mean. He’s really the one in control now. Right?  🙂

How did this slave/sub / boy come to own you so badly?

I really love it when people who have no insight into my life feel the urgent need to tell me how it is and should be run. Not only do I choose not to ID under the title of “Mistress”, the whole concept of my dominance it being a “persona” I maintain is slightly alarming. Here, he is simultaneously arguing the harmful idea that D/s is powered by differing levels of affection and mansplaining the shit out of things to me.

I mean, theoretically as far as fitting into ideals, this guy’s “Master” persona is diminished by him acting like a giant douche canoe. This is also always the problem with “find a mentor” advice, because a lot of people try to express dominance through it and nominate themselves chief guiding light where it’s unwelcome, like this eager little glowworm is trying with me.

And I suppose I should address the “Spanking” thing.

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Reader Letter: More From Crazy Jeremy!

The guy who sent random hatemail last time appears to have become a regular fan- this time with thinly veiled rape and death threats from the comfortable anonymity of the internet, apparently after reading this scene wrap up:

(From “Jeremy Smith” or jeremysmith983@yahoo.com)

Subject line: What a cunt you are

Ever tried being on the receiving end of it as you say many domes do? Maybe you should be leashed just like the dog you are. Is the artists impression an accurate one? Even in a drawing, you’re better looking from the back.

Once again this poor foamy gentleman is deeply offended that I exist. By the way, that’s “Doms or Dommes” not “Domes”, Jeremy, but maybe it’s a challenge to type when your fingers are slippery with the mixture of drool, fecal matter and semen that seems to form the basis of your communication online. And yes, my dear little broccoli rot, I have have been on “the receiving end”. I know what I do feels like, in a wide capacity of what I get up to, and this is part of how I know my preferences. Also he appears greatly excited by the cartoon drawing of my ass.

Try encouraging Male Dom/female sub. Or are you one of those snotrags who tries to convey Male led D/s as domestic violence.

Why would a blog oriented around femdom focus on that? It would be like a baking blog talking about raw foods. Certainly I consider M/f a wider part of the community and you appear to be projecting some fairly serious psychological issues here. Did some social justice warrior femdom hurt your feelings some time back? It’s the second time he started whining about “Domestic Violence”. It also hints that he doesn’t read the blog and didn’t read my response last time.

As for [Your friend, who you topped with, with no identifying information, don’t worry, this creep is toothless]. The piece of shit isn’t a sick piece of shit with a name and “personality” like that? Consensual or not, the cunt is a sick piece of shit and I’D LOVE to give the whore a fucking good hiding.

Let me get this straight, you are bellowing incoherent profanity, advocating my rape and murder and implying you want to non-consensually beat women and somehow we’re the “sick” ones? Back to me now!

Why don’t sick shits like you ever get raped and murdered? Shouldn’t be a crime if it ever did to the likes of you filth.

Well, because there is such a thing like the rule of law. But more to the point you are clearly madder than a hatter and your humour value is rapidly diminishing as you go straight to advocating the death of your fellow humans. Which, you might be surprised, is actually illegal in most civilized corners of the world.

Does that club (or any other one you attend) cater to Male Dom/ female sub? Or are you just too scared and sexist to see or even acknowledge it. There’s plenty of outlets for it, both on the web and in real life, so F UCK YOU, YOU USELESS PIECE OF SHIT.

Yes, the club was a mixed gender party. People like yourself are not invited, and by this I mean obviously insane blithering morons. Also we see that the meat of his argument is repeated here, that he thinks my preference for femdom invalidates his for maledom. I’m pretty sure when he types out this screeds he feels deeply threatened and frightened that I will personally beat him.

But- Take That! I have been told that maledom exists! Evidently there are brave freedom fighterdoing errrmmm… just what I do but with more breast bondage/hitting and less cbt? Jeeze, Jeremy, I would have never figured that out without you!

Current evidence from other femdoms who’ve dealt with his screeching tirades, primarily through twitter but also in blog comments such as at Divorce Darling, is that his IP puts him somewhere in the UK, possibly Manchester. I’m pretty sure the language choices confirm that- he’s got that particular sort of mad British thing going on.

Obviously Jeremy Smith sounds like a pseudonym, but it’s largely irrelevant whether or not it is. He has one reason to exist and that’s to spray virtual spittle at female dominants, usually with cries of how unattractive they are (without having seen them) and the vaguely through to blantently misogynistic language of someone who is more desperately trying to hurt someone through any means possible and is trying everything to hope something sticks. According to Jeremy I am ugly, stupid and… he wishes I were a femsub.

One can infer from very much drive by comment/email behaviour that he’s not actually interested in conversing regarding his pet cause of messaging all the femdoms to shit in their inboxes. Often, in other people hate messages, he considers it a checkmate to ask if we’ve ever done this stuff as the victim, which is just confusing. Obviously the fact that there’s a guy so lost in his own madness that he thinks I need to have rape and murder wished on me (which from context he’s probably also wanking about) it’s kinda disturbing, but his ability to generate fear is hampered from his lack of specificity.

This one’s for you, Jeremy- take it way, Clever Pie!

The Big Mistake Even Good Submissive Men Make When Looking For A Femdom

Male subs, stop asking for the relationship you don’t actually want with a dominant woman.

This pertains to you, the guy who is thoughtfully and carefully filling out a profile to put his best foot forward on the internet, or sending out your messages nervously and respectfully as you can, to try to convince what you see as a rare, nice femdom woman that she should be into you, or at least not knee jerk delete your greeting. This is talking to the guy who tells people, as reassuringly as he can, that he is “very submissive” and will do anything to make them happy while trying hard not to rule anything out by being specific. Or the guy who helpfully fills out that he’ll do house chores, chauffeur her around, anything really, as long as she will just deign to accept him or even talk to him. Or the person who petitions women like he should be apologizing for wasting the carbon than makes up his body mass.

Not all of you sub guys should actually be doing this. It’s actually hurting your chances at making a human connection.

Yes, it’s not a good idea to lead with a barrage of demands, and nobody likes a laundry list of fetishes in their inbox or a partner who has how you’ll act all mapped out. But, if you’re at all a long time reader of this blog, you probably aren’t dealing with the level of selfishness or stupid, which leads you to message women with “wanna meet at my hotel while I’m in town for business and spank me and fuck my ass?!”. 

I’m talking about the fact that a lot of sub guys prepare themselves to please an internalized idea of what a femdom is. In most people’s minds, that’s a very client-and-pro styled relationship, where the assumption is that the woman is not willing and eager in her own right. It’s, at the very least, a hyper exaggeration of the idea that nice girls really don’t wanna and need to be bribed and cajoled into it. I’ve rattled that cage often enough this should be old hat right now, that a lot of us dominan women love it for its own sake. However, what isn’t being said, but needs to be said is this-

A lot of you guys aren’t actually into either being unpaid domestic workers or Mr. Everybody’s Servile Cur and you are still selling yourself that way because you think that’s the Right Thing to Do. For every silly boob who writes me calling me “Mistress Goddess Lady Divine” because he wants it to be true, there’s a not so silly bloke who thinks I simply delete anyone who doesn’t address me like I was some sort of fantasy nobility and thinks it’s a protocol thing he has to go through because otherwise he’s not a Good Submissive (TM). And it’s past time we stopped demanding every guy with a submissive fantasy act like a simpering sycophant or an emotional masochist before the relationship even gets off the ground. Afterwards? That’s up to you- but before? This trend is not helping.

Real life example time:

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The Darker Side Of Caretaking

After a conversation with a friend about the challenges that we face in relationships, I’m going to talk about something I’m not good at. Which is to say, letting go with other people in a way that gets my needs met.

At it’s best, my penchant for caretaking is a good thing that is inherently rewarding for me. I’m very commonly the tea-and-blankets lady. I genuinely like looking after people and it’s good for most people around me. 

A pretty big fetish dynamic that I like is hurt-comfort. I want to fuck the person up and then patch them up after. It’s a reason why I’ve never been able to do hateful D/s, since the aftercare is pretty important to me too and the nastiness is not the end point of where things are for me- my domliness extends into cuddling them and fussing, and so forth.

Of course I think that caretaking is a very common permutation of D/s. I also think it’s significantly more common in women, because of the gender training we get to do it as a duty, but also because being the ‘mother’ is a classic route to power in a world that penalizes other forms of self promotion. “For your own good!” is a great way to control people.

But it also feeds into a particular sort of self sacrificing martyr loop that can be inherently toxic. The script runs something like this:

You learn, pretty early on, that people need looking after. It could be physically, like if you attend to a person with a regular illness, or emotionally if you have a family member who is less than sane. It could be related to self denial in the face of poverty. For various reasons you get very good at rising to the occasion, putting other people’s needs first, being extremely accommodating, etc… The environment heavily rewards this, both by having the hysterical/hurt/helpless people around you being less splah but also a measure of control and power- that allows you to learn that you can push people’s buttons in a non-guilt inducing way, and they may even praise you too and want to be with you more when you’re in nurturing mode. Suffice to say, because this blog is self referential and i use myself as the main example or everything, I had an upbringing that encouraged subversion of the self as a virtue, as well as being accommodating to crazy to the point of getting enmeshed into it.

It’s not a bad thing for people to be loving and giving, but if you deal with lots of needful people, your own needs may not get met and you don’t experience as many reciprocal dynamics to learn off. And if life throws a lot of drama your way, situational or interpersonal, you come to associate being needy on your part as bad behaviour, especially if when you had needs you were neglected. Of course since people you love still have needs you don’t precisely develop a rejection of all neediness, but it becomes important to subvert your needs for another person. This can be an addicting sensation of power and invulnerability and may even lead you to reject overtures of others looking after you because you don’t trust its reliability, and more to the point you don’t want to be the Weak Person because that chips away from the ego- or you’ve seen people with worse shit to deal with so you feel like an imposter when you’re being nurtured.

Another draw back is that you tend to also develop a higher than average tolerance for human frailty which means that you will, for example, collect strays or form relationships with people where you’re a Jesus Girlfriend. Which is where the need-to-be-needed can exceed whether or not a relationship has anything to offer you, and serve as a way of making yourself indispensible to something that wasn’t worth the investment.

Some people also end up in a guilt-anger spiral where they exceed their tolerance or get taken advantage of while biting their tongues, presuming that the other person wouldn’t be so selfish if they didn’t need it; and then get pissed at the person and then feel wildly guilty because (s)he can’t help being a useless tit. A warning sign you’ve gone too far into the wrong side of nurturing is that you end up feeling that everyone around you ‘can’t help it’, but would be unable to find their pants without you.

It also leads to some of the usual cognitive dissonance coping skills or all the stuff every person has to deal with, caretaker or not. Since everyone does have needs, you included, it’s not uncommon to package your needs in ways that don’t make you have to give up that ego thing. If you feel lonely, for example, you find someone who needs things and go be helpful at them. If you worry about being unpopular you become the person who does stuff for everyone. If you need to break up with someone it becomes necessary to frame it in terms of “I wasn’t meeting their needs anymore”. It’s certainly a lot less insufferable than how many people cope, but it still deserves analysis.

A classic example of the dark side is thought patterns like deciding that the person can’t handle that you are upset with them, because you not getting your needs met would make them feel bad- so you pretend it’s all okay. On the flip side when you want to get territorial it’s easy to sell yourself that you are simply being self sacrificing to take over something and organize them better- I’m sure there’s at least one person who knows this who thinks I’m actually pretty needy and can’t find my own pants without help. Caveat lector; author is biased.

It also makes you extremely vulnerable to people with the exact match on the opposite pole of “I need to be looked after all times to feel secure!” Since abusive relationships often have a foundation in the other person demanding that you leap through increasingly absurd hoops to make them feel properly attended to, or the person will go splah (which can range from physical violence, to emotional abuse, to simply attacking themselves or going into incoherent self castigating hysterics, which is a particularly effective tactic against someone whose empathy is overly keyed into people) you can end up mired in some pretty nasty scenarios. I know from personal experience. Maybe, you, dear reader have seen that in action.

Not to mention that the tendency to go above and beyond the call of duty can also end up giving you fairly high standards for others- or give other people the perception that you do. So your circle of friends, lovers, etc may conclude that if you brush off small overtures of caretaking and you do such a fantastic job than anything they can muster as a mere mortal won’t impress. Or you assume that because you know you put a lot of effort into preemptively looking after people in a way that comes naturally to you, therefore your needs must be so complicated and difficult since nobody has moved in on their own to fill them. One can internalize that that nobody can, and even throw in an extra dash of shame that you must be secretly the *most* needy person ever so all the more reason to be responsible and keep it locked down, right?

Maybe this applies to you, or maybe it doesn’t- either way it’s something for me to think about and analyze. I certainly won’t stop enjoying the caretaking aspect of my personality, but I also feel like this is a phenomenon that’s worth paying attention to.