It is a factor of the open and relatively accessibly nature of the internet that you will end up talking to people you never would have met outside the free flow of online communication. From feeling less alone in the company of fellow people with a shared perspective on your already uncommon sexual kinks to watching rage filled forum flame wars between an articulate but poorly informed 14 year old with infinite free time and a 45 year old academic who wouldn’t even let the kid into their classroom under normal circumstances, you end up alternating between feeling like you’re part of a fantastic global community and contemplating becoming a hermit.
And then there’s the inbox spam.
If you maintain a bunch of accounts on various kink communities, and you are female, you will receive various and sundry unsolicited messages from men. Much of these are drive by, copypasta trying the spam approach to find a femdom, case in point:
Respected Ma’am, I want to be your slave. My team viewer ID is 601 922 712 and psswd is 1101. Please accept me as your slave ma’am. I have been a sub or into this mentality ever since my puberty ma’am. I know am not privileged enough to be your slave, but please give me an opportunity ma’am. I read your profile and I want to tell you frankly that no matter how hard I try, I can never deny the fact that am longing to serve a mistress truly and be her permanent slave. Please provide me that opportunity ma’am.
(Note, if he actually read my profile he’d know that the sort of deal he’s offering is decidedly not my style, and the “team viewer” thing just feels like an accident waiting to happen). Hundreds of messages like this get sent out, much like how there’s an effort to convince you to buy cheap V1gra form Canada for potency, or my spam traps on my blog collect recycled news articles with links hawking designer goods.
Or you get the more banal:
Want a dish of ballz salad ?
Which is not so much insulting, as degrading to the twit that decided to send it out. I imagine that message was the grand achievement of the poor silly bugger’s day.
And you get dragged into the weird psychosis of people who are looking for a wank under their terms, like the person trying their best to convince me they were an Arab woman who wanted nothing more than to send me large amounts of money to be insulted by a superior white femdom. And sent me dozens of messages, from multiple user accounts being unable to figure out why I’m just ignoring them. And pretending to be someone else telling me how I should wear my hair in pigtails. Because nothing makes a dominant woman happier than a stranger telling her how to style her hair to turn them on.
Now in “hurt me for being an Arab’s” case I’ve always had a hard time with ethnicity/race play. It’s not that I can’t be that flexible, it’s that asides from having a twitch-delete reflex about messages from people presupposing to be from North Africa and South Asia (or really anything in a particular equatorial zone) after one too many unfortunate mash notes, my inclination is to try to find a character motivation- and not being at all inclined to think of people as inherently superior/inferior on those lines, well, I’m kinda a lost cause unless you want British Empire themed porn. I could, in a fit of whimsy, colonize the hell out of you, but it would be like trying to discriminate against people from Minnesota.
Then there’s the arrogant male doms. Not content to limit themselves to harassing female subs, there’s a particular cadre of guys among whom hope springs eternal and all women are fair game, or who specifically target femdoms. They tend to come in two flavours: fast creep and slow creep.
Fast creep is the very forgettable “nees bich” bloke, or the ones who otherwise proposition everyone and everything female seeming with no particular targeting. The result comes across like a horny blind man feeling up tree galls, and similarly show up in your inbox with the “mistress i am so submissive 2 u” messages that accumulate like chip wrappers under a poorly maintained shrubbery. You also get the men who ask you if you want a discreet chance to sub to them, or the ones who say they want to explore the other side a bit and can’t seem to understand why you don’t want to be propositioned to spank strangers. No big deal, just tedious.
Slow creep, on the other hand, doesn’t ask you to submit right out the gate, and often claims to be extending a hand of friendship, wanted or not. Then then start trying to flirt by being bossy or by mansplaining how you are Doing It Wrong. This sort of man usually goes from being vaguely like a creepy jovial uncle at you, to telling you how he can see the submissive inside just waiting to come out, or some such rot.
Once again I’m on the receiving end of another presumptuous dominant asshat’s efforts to be friendly and helpful. This one is happily dictating to me how I’m going to fail at as a dom for liking someone. He started off by asking who owns me now and how, since I have my profiles set to “no! taken!”, to discourage people only looking for a relationship bitching about me being off the market and not warning them.
Then he sent this:
Once a Mistress like you “forms an attachment” then her Mistress persona is diminished.
I dare say your gentleman nemesis now has the upper hand. That’s not to say that he will be spanking you. But you know what I mean. He’s really the one in control now. Right? 🙂
How did this slave/sub / boy come to own you so badly?
I really love it when people who have no insight into my life feel the urgent need to tell me how it is and should be run. Not only do I choose not to ID under the title of “Mistress”, the whole concept of my dominance it being a “persona” I maintain is slightly alarming. Here, he is simultaneously arguing the harmful idea that D/s is powered by differing levels of affection and mansplaining the shit out of things to me.
I mean, theoretically as far as fitting into ideals, this guy’s “Master” persona is diminished by him acting like a giant douche canoe. This is also always the problem with “find a mentor” advice, because a lot of people try to express dominance through it and nominate themselves chief guiding light where it’s unwelcome, like this eager little glowworm is trying with me.
And I suppose I should address the “Spanking” thing.
People like him are the reason that we tend to treat sexual inclinations as rigid boxes rather than the happy buffet of options they are for a lot of people. As well as a lot of unfortunate newbie questions from people agonizing that they fell in luuuuurve. But, back to spanking like I promised:
I *like* getting hit. Not because I have some pathological need to be punished by a firm hand, but because I am a sadomasochist. Hitting is something that happens in my relationships, consensually, to both people. I like playing with vulnerability and seducing with that apparent softness. I dislike men who present how he does- maybe the creepy uncle shtick appeals to other people, but it’s not my thing. However…
If you ever want a more classically “me” example of the results of my inclinations and bedroom sports, there is when Wildcard last was enticed into walloping me: I enjoy these sorts of seductions, from posing provokingly, to teasing him until he decides he just must make it clear I’ve pushed him past his tolerance- it’s topping from the bottom at its best. My kinda scene, and as a Dom, completely free from worrying about serving him, etc…
And, as a Gentleman Nemesis, he gets a great deal of enjoyment out of these sorts of things in their own right, both the percussive climax and the teasing. However, this time he had, shall we say, rather primed the pump with some very deft use of his hands on other bits of my body. Arousal generally does things to my pain thresh hold that are very positive, which meant that I was perfectly happy to push him harder and harder when my teasing drove him to blows. Precisely speaking, as he built up to some pretty solid strikes, my exact thoughts about what I was receiving was debating how best to broach spacing them out a bit, so I could enjoy the between whacks and the pleasant ache and tingle that develops. He was being used, but good.
Needless to say it was an evening that ended with me trying to coo and fuss over him, with giant blue bruises blooming in his palms (see left), and one of the rare moments I felt post scene guilt. I don’t think I make a very good sub.
But, judging from the message I got, the sort of sad little man with nothing better to do with his time than try to pick at females he perceives as doms will never be able to handle the nuances of anything other than a highly limited and restricted dynamic. I think seducing someone into mauling you because you get off on pushing their buttons would blow his mind.