If you aren’t in the mood for tough, skip this post. I am well aware that a lot of submissive guys are extremely depressed about their inability to meet a femdom. This link is for nice advice on how to find a domme. Don’t read this post if it’s going to send you into a self castrating death spiral, ok?
Boys, you and I need to have a little talk about the so called “femdom ratio”, m’kay?
Just about every day, a submissive man skips into a forum or bdsm group somewhere and complains loudly that there just doesn’t seem to be any non-pro femdoms out there.
Not only does this cause every non-professional femdom in the group to intensify her urge to only lurk, or leave outright, I find a pretty common pattern in these guys. To be exact, three consistent features:
1) They haven’t actually looked.
Ok, sure, they made a fetlife account, stumbled into a reddit group about femdom or popped into a discord. Maybe they got as far as femdom twitter or the comments and inbox of some domme’s website!
But they are invariably acting like a man walking through the local restaurant district decrying they lack of private family kitchens welcoming them inside for home cooking. The minute they discover they aren’t instantly rewarded for thinking about kink with a hot loving femdom girlfriend, or the first few lazy messages get silence or a price sheet.. complaints! Additionally, sometimes they immediately demand someone else help them find where all the hot, single, promiscuous (and usually somehow monogamous to them) dommes hang out.
Do they google the problem? Of course not. Do they ask other sub men in relationships how they got there? Nope. They want something like the weird pneumatic sex tube tinder out of Logan’s Run.
2) They are boring as hell.
Ok, maybe they actually have positive qualities, but they sure as skippy have literally no idea how to share them. I can hear the tea kettle whistle of shrieking indignity already. But Pearl! Dating is HARD. The femdom ratio is so bad you ask us to be the exceptional top 1% of all submissive men.
No, you numpkin. First of all, you can’t be the top 1% of submissive men, that’s Silver and he belongs to me. Truth is most humans are vaguely earnest little potatoes, and that’s ok. People like potatoes!
But the average femdom ratio whining sub is going to send you a message that says “hello, I am potat, age X, I want to be told how to jerk off”. Some of the more creative ones might put something they hope you are like “I hope you are blonde” or “I want a nice mommy”.
Don Juan of the femdom ratio idiots might muster “you look attractive”, picture provided to him or not. Yawn. They essentially want a woman to find them fascinating, while giving her nothing to fasten herself to.
Sometimes I feel bad when these guys decide to replace servility for a personality. They forget that Service is a fetish itself, so anyone receiving it will already think that the sum total of the needed interaction is done. Then again, so many of these blokes have basically turned into Nice Guys who think being the door troll at the dungeon party is the secret to sexy femdom love that I have also learned it’s a quicksand of covert contracts.
Learn to hold a fucking conversation. Learn to build on more than just being horny or trying to just claim you are a good sub. Learn to make your appearance visually interesting. Be a potato, sure, just try not to be an unpeeled raw potato on an otherwise empty plate.
3) They have never considered what the inner life of a woman might be like.
At my most sympathetic I blame being raised a boy, and thus actively discouraged from considering anything girly. A sheltered young 20 something can be forgiven his innocence on women. It’s the same learning curve a baby domme might go through when she discovers that the zipless free labour promised by service subs isn’t actually reliable enough to make her feel powerful. We can all be a little dumb sometimes.
But these guys consume the porn specifically targeted to tease them, and never think beyond that. It’s a radical revelation to them that straight dommes don’t also (usually) want to look at porn that focuses on dommes to get off. It’s a bridge too far for them to consider that women can have a spectrum of approaches to their kink, or their own porn and media separate from what the subs like.
In short, they have a level of empathy that’s stunted to the point of projecting the self onto others. What they want, they feel, is all they need to know to please her. Sometimes it comes out as unsolicited nudes or offers of service tailored only to the guy’s pleasure. Sometimes it’s as easy as being bewildered that women have different safety concerns and relationship priorities. Either way, when these guys complain about the lack of dommes, they are pretty explicitly defining dommes in terms of their desires, not hers.
This kind of femdom ratio guy may also pop up in a very conservative country where overt sexuality can be punished, or even fatal to the woman. What makes these guys unsympathetic is it hasn’t occurred to them that dommes exist in these environments too. They are so busy complaining that none of the women around them are inherently into their kinks it doesn’t occur to them that these women might very well be as kinky as them and forced into the closet even harder.
More Variations of the Big Three
Got it? Ok, let’s look at common permutations of those three fuck ups. Slap yourself if you are doing any of these “no domme due to femdom ratio” pitfalls.
- Waiting for a femdom to fix everything and do all the work once they throw herself at her feet. (AKA the starfish sub)
- Femdoms don’t exist unless you want to sub to them. (AKA women invisible when I don’t look at them)
- No skill in vanilla, assumes that femdoms will all be inherently attracted to them, because all the porn ones aren’t picky about everyman protagonists. (AKA dommes are PEOPLE?!)
- Searching for the magic domme dating formula that unlocks her private messages and from thence, her dungeon. (AKA dommes are a special hive mind)
But I can’t find any femdoms, and I’m not an incel!!
Great. What separates you from ratio subs (ratiocels, if you will, as coined by dommeextra) is that you can understand finding a compatible partner takes time. Being single and looking is not the same thing as maintaining behaviors that are the kink scene version of a fedora.
As long as you acknowledge that everyone has challenges, it’s ok to feel a little blue. Just like, quit the woe is me no dommes exist shtick and you won’t be an insufferable mess, as well as being lonely.
Here’s the most common replies people give when I tell them the femdom ratio is bullshit and toxic:
It’s not fair, the femdom ratio is because subs would serve ANY woman and women are picky.
No, everyone who has a viable relationship is picky. If you really weren’t picky, things like sex work wouldn’t cause you to screech it isn’t reeeeal femdom.
You just like shitting on men for being weak, you misandrist!
No, honey. I have hammered out post after post of helpful, patient advice on how to find a mistress. I am going to take a good faith interpretation that you just have a hard time seeing humans suffer, and I will be clear with you: letting men do those three things I listed keeps them lonely and isolated.
I’ll leave you with this point:
To go out and express your desires, as a submissive man, is fucking brave. You are running against gender role training where being openly weak, vulnerable or wanting to have either of those might even get you attacked.
But as long as you keep telling dominant women they don’t exist, you are shooting yourself in the dick. You are loudly signaling to them that unless they can be available to you, you won’t give them the basic respect of considering their presence as humans.
Try asking not how to find a domme for yourself, try asking “what spaces do dominant women enjoy being in?” and I bet you will start to find us everywhere. Ask yourself why spaces might exclude dominant women, and fix that, and we fall out of the fucking woodwork.
