On BDSM Advice that Does Not Work

(Or A Long Response to A Tweet by Simone Justice)

Trying to talk about the subject of BDSM advice includes the laughably bad, but also the zone of places that’s subject to more of a grey area. Sometimes you have the SEO spam femdom garbage where it’s content that’s little more than key words strung together (thank you Cara Sutra and your active effort to make the kink internet just a little more broken to make a buck), sometimes it’s wankery like Elise Sutton, telling people what they wish to be true to sell books. Sometimes, more rarely, it’s actively dangerous advice that could seriously hurt people like the rapey nonesense of Peter Masters “Control” book.

But then there’s the whole category of advice that is just not useful, being given out because it assumes a lack of distinction between professional dommes and non professional dommes. In most cases this advice is more tedious than will ever do immediate harm to anyone, but it’s still something to be flagged.

Stuff like this casual Saturday morning tweet from Simone Justice…

There’s a lot to unpack here.

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Crazy Messages: Sessions for Salad Dressing Plz?

Salad dressingIt’s not unusual to get unsolicted messages on fetlife, as a woman. For a background my relationship to Wildcard is featured pretty prominently, and my profile is set to events only. If I want to play with someone I prefer to initiate, but this has never deterred anyone.

Special Salad Dressing Man:

I just read your profile for the first time and found it quite interesting. I am 50 years old , a very elegant young 50, nice looking and respectful. I understand all rules I do not play publicly, only privately. I have a great track record with one particular domme in the city who right now happens to be on sabbatical. Would you be interested in talking to me to possibly interview me and see if I could serve you? You seem intelligent and are certainly lovely.

Okay, that wasn’t so bad. I’m not a pro, so this guy is barking up the wrong tree. It hasn’t crashed and burned yet… and he messages again before I even check my mail. This will become a pattern. Note bene, baby subs, do not bombard.

Special Salad Dressing Man:

And by the way I just love your pictures… they are suggestive and yet not tacky in the slightest. I also noticed that you have really really lovely hands and fingers which is somewhat of a thing for me and I should say that by extension I also adore beautiful feet.

Ooops, another message.

Special Salad Dressing Man:

Random thoughts… I have no reason to believe you would ever entertain seeing me much less talking to me especially given that my profile is so obviously better although I will only suggest in self-defense that it is strictly for discretionary purposes. I am as I said I am – very experienced and very polite and have seen who I think is probably the best domme in the city for a long long time.

And another message five minutes later. This guy is jumping in his seat.

Special Salad Dressing Man:

I noticed in your profile where it denotes the things you like… and it says that you like giving fisting which instantly created a lump in my throat!!! which of course goes back to my comment on your beautiful petite hands and fingers…

Okay, hold your horses dude.  Although someone should tell Donald Trump we found him a tiny hands fetishist.

Special Salad Dressing Man:

What is a random make-work order? I sincerely did not mean to give any offense by asking if I could serve you and yes it is premature perhaps of me to have done so but I just thought as I always do to politely ask a question and one is always free to tell me yes or no.

Ugh, time to reign this guy in. My response:

Miss Pearl:

I am at work, so my replies may be a bit succinct.

Here is the leaping off place: https://www.omisspearl.com/i-want-to-serve-miss-pear…

I am not looking for sexual service at this time. I am also not a professional- this is simply my life.

I would not be an easy or fun person to serve for most people. If you are expecting the domintarix experience this is the wrong place to look.

So with that in mind, what is you expectations for what service would involve?

And he responds instantly. He must have came with the excitement.

Special Salad Dressing Man:

To be honest I lead a traditional vanilla life and am a professional…i have played only in sessions as a sub for many years but frankly I’m a little bored and at this point I am not exactly sure what I am looking for per se or how I could maybe be of interest to you and that is as honest as I can be. I do like sessions I do like intelligence I do like creativity but more than that I would ask how would I be able to be of interest to you…

He still seems to think he can book me by the hour. The link, by the way, includes service options like “take pics of cool things you saw” or “share recipes.” He will latch onto that latter thing like a limpet.

Special Salad Dressing Man:

I read your leap off link and perhaps you might think this is funny but I think the only thing I could possibly offer you is a picture of the one and only cake I bake which happens to be phenomenal and incredibly simple! I love cooking and wine so I can offer you pictures of things I make that I usually photograph but more than that I think I would sadly be of no use to you.

No use to me? Yeah, probably, but I try to be polite and respond to every message, even it it’s with constructive criticism. I don’t mind the clinet/pro thing in the abstract, it’s just not the be all and end all of femdom. And of course before I message him again he keeps sending messages to me.

Special Salad Dressing Man:

I was not looking for any sexual services and of course having played were served for many years I know that very first rule. Having said that, if you had nice feet I would love to bring you gorgeous wine in return for being able to worship only your feet. I have very high standards in the company I keep as I suspect you do as well and so if there were anything I could do to convince you that I just might be the needle in a haystack I am ready to do so.

I assure you, he is very, very much looking for sexual services. He continues to send me new messages by way of paragraph breaks.

Special Salad Dressing Man:

As I think I mentioned, the Mistress I served is on sabbatical and so while you seem terribly nice and beautiful and intellectual and very inviting in a certain odd way even though I don’t know you, if I can’t accommodate some of your wishes would you Perhaps know of someone who is off the beaten path somewhat private excellent gorgeous and looking to have a slave serve them in session? I am quite frankly tired of all of the fake inexperienced one leg off the stripper stage Dommes who are anything but that …there is one excellent Domme in my mind in the city and she and I have a great relationship but she is on sabbatical.

 Holy shit dude. I am NOT a booking service, and believe me there is no femdom, pro or non-pro, who wants to listen to you bitch about other women. Sigh, time to set you straight.

Miss Pearl:

You need to stop using me to try to procure you a sex worker (which before you argue, is what pro domination is). That is like going on facebook and asking a random women to find you a girlfriend. Or to be more accurate, asking her to find you an escort. That is weird. O.o

If you want femdom on demand, pay the $300+ an hour for a professional who will give you your fantasy. If you message strictly lifestyle doms like me, we aren’t in it to act like femdom porn, anymore than I suspect your probable wife is the same as a vanilla porn actress.

And fucktard decides he couldn’t possibly be doing something wrong.
Special Salad Dressing Man:

So I can understand your reply and I even thank you for it however what you inferred was not my intention nor do I wish to argue the point I am sure you received so many solicitations that it would lead you to the sort of reply you furnished me with… best to you

There is no honour in herding idiots, but I am a one woman crusade for exceptional honesty.

Miss Pearl:

I will be abundantly clear, serving me is not a neat, tidy experience where you pay-to-play. Not with money, not with wine. In the unlikely event you are actually useful or entertaining to me I would consider it. But you would probably find my idea of fun unsatisfying. Consider that fair disclosure that you would never get what you wanted.

Stupidhead, of course, assumes we are now haggling. I imagine this is the best response he’s gotten in months.
Special Salad Dressing Man:

I still may be interested but perhaps you can give me a sense of what it is you would be willing to entertain and then we can either decide to move forward or not but I am interested and I am in open-minded person

He wants to know my price.

Miss Pearl:

I gave you a list.

It would be dishonest to say that I wasn’t still poking him just to see what stupid would come out next.
Special Salad Dressing Man:

I guess ‘fun’ is the operative word and certainly subjective but like I said I am open minded and I am definitely not judgemental

Ok, whatever dude. In the unlikely event the next message is a baked brie with pine nuts… eh. Whatever. I don’t buy lottery tickets but if you say things I want to hear I talk to you.
Miss Pearl:

Have fun with the list. If I see anything come of that, my consideration extends from there.

Nope, fucktard doesn’t get it. But now he wants to talk about the most personal thing he can find in my blog. He’s like an anti-pick up artist!

Special Salad Dressing Man:

If you are referring to pictures of baked goods and graphic arts services and other things on the list such as tipping as one would a street performer then I guess I would just have to say those are nice things one would do it’s not my idea of fun per se although the The locational sharing of recipes and transfer of foodie pictures is fun amongst my friends and myself and we do it often. I will say though that I had fun reading some of your writings. I even read about your estranged relationship from your mother which I have no right to comment on but I did read it

More messages. Demands now. Gotta check the teeth and kick her tires, right?

Special Salad Dressing Man:

I am quite sure you do not have any more time for me so I will just have one simple question which i will have left my imagination or perhaps you can post one…do you have nice feet …because I adore your hands 🙂

Maybe you can also tell me what is it you like most about fisting?

Note he’s back to femdoms-are-fetish machines. First he tries to buy foot “worship” with wine, but since that didn’t tempt me he’s going to try something else.

Special Salad Dressing Man:

I just read your last message and so if I send something for half interesting or a delicious recipe to your PO Box you might consider something else?

New message again, still at least five minutes apart. Wait for it…

Special Salad Dressing Man:

For example do you like salad? I might be prepared to some send you something very utilitarian that could be used every day… 🙂

Salad!

Miss Pearl:

Clearly I have horrifying bird talons hidden under my long skirts, which I use to rend people who ask for free sex chats disguised as polite inquiry into my personal life.

And he’s a liar, having just asked about fisting/feet pics.

Special Salad Dressing Man:

Once again I think you have misunderstood. I am not looking for free sex chats or even paid ones. It was simple curiosity.

Ignoring him again.

Special Salad Dressing Man:

Do you like salad?

Still ignoring. Again with the salad.

Special Salad Dressing Man:

Because what I might offer you is a 120-year-old recipe that is said to be the best anyone has ever tasted. And i do not give this out light’y.

Is it like the Neiman Marcus cookie recipe?

Special Salad Dressing Man:

And by the way I only asked you questions that you yourself had written or commented on in your profile

Ah the old “I am entitled to demand you elaborate on everything sexual because you are not in a burkah” logic.

Special Salad Dressing Man:

Like you I do not give things away for free so if you want to see something fabulous arrive in your PO Box I would have to know what “other considerations” could possibly entail and then and only then will I decide if I want to shoot first. Most sincerely.

Hey lady, I have SALAD DRESSING FOR YOU! Y U no want my salad?!

Special Salad Dressing Man:

You may be busy although I suspect you’re just generation YS and E

Generation what? Okay, nevermind, he flounces.

Special Salad Dressing Man:

Ciao

But the next day he’s back! With more salad dressing to tempt me with!

Special Salad Dressing Man:

So you want a kick ass salad dressing that will Give you culinary pleasure for the rest of your life and in return I would potentially get what 1,2, sessions with you, if that and maybe never even one, and I’m supposed to just send you the best salad dressing ever on the planet?

Ok dude, your wife is probably looking for where her salad dressing went.  Public service time.

Miss Pearl:

A) I am not for sale. I write (free!) erotic fiction, organize fetish events, etc… But I do not offer “sessions”. Sessions are a strictly professional dominatrix thing. Don’t cold call lifestyle doms for sessions, it is the kink version of trying to hire someone as a hooker on facebook.

B) The women who do sell services charge upwards of $350 an hour and are not available for salad dressing or “nice” wine. In my case the answer is no even if you busted out your checkbook and paid the market rate.

However, think I see why you are having problems finding a naturally dominant women. You treat all of us like fetish delivery services and your pretensions of luxury exceed your budget by a large margin.

I occasionally choose play partners outside of my relationship, but you have completely failed to pique my interest, despite me being incredibly patient and up front about what my interests and needs are. It is noteable how little interest you have in me as a person that you still leapt to trying to buy me, despite all the other options.

You also persisted in trying to get me to discuss thrusting my hand into your anus. Dude, I don’t know you. Just because a woman is open about her sexuality does not mean she was put on this earth for your personal titillation.

Leaving aside your obsession with treating all doms like pros, you are clearly married/sneaking about and the literal age of my father, you are tedious, needy and offer so little satisfaction to an actual “lifestyle” dom that I am confident you will never get what you are looking for.

But the last word must be had so… I should mention that while he was derping out about his SPECIAL SALAD DRESSING I was busy telling the guy who assaulted me to get bent.

Special Salad Dressing Man:

A very angry soul indeed…. how sad

After this last reply from me he blocked me, muttering something about entitled fakes.

Miss Pearl:

Aww, muffin, you think someone trying to buy a foot job with two buck chuck is in a position to be patronizing. That’s adorable!

Gracious he was verbose! Well, I hope he brings entertainment to all of you- some of you did ask why I was sniggering about salad. It never persists to amaze me how much guys think that a femdom is automatically A) available and B) owes them their fetishes served with a smile.

The picture was randomly selected from https://food.allwomenstalk.com/simple-salad-dressings-from-some-easy-base-recipes

Hate Mail 2016 #2- Paul Anderson, Jeremy Smith’s Twin Brother

Oh look, we have a new message from Jeremy, this time calling themselves Paul Anderson! And boy is he mad. Having a burr in his thong, he spares no invective for a frank expression of his feelings towards me. He really, really doesn’t like femdom. This time he spared the implied rape threats (you know the kinds where they don’t say they’ll do it but if someone happened to, wouldn’t it be lovely?) but not many of his trademarks.

Can we stop confusing masculinity with misogyny? Just because you have all the femininity of and looks of a warthog and are easily intimidated by both masculine men and feminine women DOESN’T mean you have the monopoly on the truth (nor does having a pair of tits, much to the detriment of the usual “thinking”). The thought of an old skag like you in a tutu is quite vomit inducing. Femininity , REAL femininity is submissive in nature, hence all misandry ridden old cunts like you are so fucking ugly and nothing but reject fuckbags. Funny how you agree with so-called submissives about women being regarded as inferior, yet remain strangely silent about arrogant, pervert whores and wannabee’s who advocate nothing but submission/chastity for your rivals (or at least DON’T complain as vociferously and as often about those who do). If you can’t stand any aspect of the scene, stick to cookery or flower arranging. Don’t we have enough self serving,pitiful whining from you greedy fuckers in the real world about the non existent pay gaps and glass ceilings that are used to explain what in truth is just inadequacy? Yes, we do, so if you could STOP trying to pervert perversion to suit your needs and no one else’s, it would be nice. I won’t hold my breath waiting for it though.

Having decided the “Jeremy Smith” brand was tapped out, this UK based Troll decided he was deeply offended by a tweet I made, so much so to leave twitter and come foam in the comments section of my “Contact Me” page.

I’m not really sure I understand what he’s rattling on about. I mean, thirty is old enough,  if you’re a raging misogynist, which he is. Being “ugly” is a non-objective personal aesthetic preference and has little to do with anything. I can be ugly if he wants- I am not fussed.  It isn’t much of an argument, but it does follow with the pattern of his posts- that femdoms are repulsive, evil people who REALLY hate men.

But what I’m really curious about are the “arrogant, pervert whores and wannabee’s who advocate nothing but submission/chastity for your rivals” that he’s talking about. Rivals? Like rivals femdoms? It’s almost a pity that this guy only does drive bys.

Maybe he thinks my rivals are men, which is not how it works. For someone who has strong ideas about the nature of the fetish community, it’s also clear he’s never set foot in it. I’m also not sure where he’s going with the cookery-and-flower arrangement comment. It’s such a non-sequitur, particularly for a guy who just shat himself noisily in his fury to communicate that I am NOT FEMININE.

Never mind, I’ll eschew my usual habit of calling him nuts because stigmatizing the mentally ill is bad and most crazy folks can conduct themselves with dignity he lacks, but whatever his issue is, I wouldn’t say he can be described as rational.

As is the pattern for Jeremy, he believes femsubs are a thing, but cannot bend his mind around malesubs being enthusiastic or loved. He whines and carries on about how mean BDSM play is to do to a man, but never seems to stretch to understand that there are a cadre of gentlemen who would be heart broken if there weren’t commanding and sadistic types. Mostly, as is his habit, he thinks that the marketing copy of pros is how things really work and mistakes the erotica for reality.

This is what I said that got him so het up, by the way:

Now personally when I wrote the tweet I wasn’t just thinking about myself, but also the toxic assumptions that sub men are failing at their gender identity, and the way the cliches of kink writing often leave queer, non-binary and butch women out in the cold. But I guess if you have two brain cells huddling together for warmth in a howling void, it’s natural to conclude I meant that femsub was wrong.

It’s like a magic power, to be a femdom is to attract people who are deeply distressed, not specifically just that kink exists, but that a woman is perverting some natural order they need to function. If they aren’t completely dismissing your kinks as confusion on your part, you’re some sort of evil mutant.

 

Missed out on Jeremy? Here’s his last message. And his first message!

 

Kink.com Excludes Femdom From Mainstream BDSM

shitIdon'tneed This shit is what I’m talking about here, when I talk about the sexism that femdoms deal with, when it comes to being taken seriously as a part of BDSM.

This is the navigation menu for kink.com, which helps you find their sub-sites, sorted by 5 options. Gay gets its own category that excludes F/f, which is sort of scattered all throughout their content offerings. And Femdom… It’s not filed under general BDSM either. Because of course it isn’t.

I understand this is going to come across like I’m looking for something to be offended about that could be a happinstance accident. There’s obviously no malicious conspiracy and I suspect a huge part is an effort to seed common search terms for SEO/page rank purposes while still creating a functional site map. But this is definitely a symptom of kink as a wholes problem with excluding femdom from the idea of normal.

I do want to say I’m glad kink.com exists. They were a big part of pushing the Overton window, champions of BDSM AND sex in the same shoot, normalizing and mainstreaming kink. They’re a scrappy self made franchise that started in a guy’s dorm room. And they’re a living example of building what you love being a key component to making good art- as well as one of the strongest influences on modern BDSM as a subculture, and have done a great deal to popularize the role of consent- with their before/after videos providing a framing that is joyful and mindful of the well being of the bottom.

But here’s where I go tumblr about things, and I’m going to use this as a leaping off place as a wider problem.. There is a logic internally why kink.com did their menu like this- the artistic direction of their femdom work is sorted under slightly different leadership. But the way it is expressed sucks, and is the problem of femdom exclusion from the rest of kink in a nutshell, something they are perpetuating as educators.

As a female dominant, one of the biggest challenges with my kink is being taken seriously and not being overshadowed by the male sub fantasy version of yourself. Kink.com makes some effort to put femdoms in charge of making stuff they put out there, but they are still the product being sold with its own special fetishes attached, like female dominance can’t exist without a strapon.  And unlike their gay stuff where the male sub is the main attraction and the treatment of the happy victim is very similar to a female sub, the dominant herself is getting the majority of the camera love and branding emphasis and the guy is depersonalized as much as he’s the victim. But even that’s not enough, for kink.com, femdom must be placed away from everything else.

This makes sense from a financial perspective, much like their (to me) excessive focus on anal.  Men buy porn, so porn aims at a male lowest common denominator, so men buy porn. It’s a generally accepted truism that straight men don’t wanna look at guys except peripherally and if they do it’s going to fit into a very specific idea of what femdom is that is nothing like male dom. I don’t like it, but that’s a separate rant.

Where this sorting is irksome, and the point I’m making here, is where the website has also stepped into the role of kink educators- a worthy goal, but on that carries their porn based bias into what they are teaching. Note that Kink University is neatly sorted in amongst all the “BDSM” branded porn, where for a reasonable fee you can watch bad things happen to enthusiastically consenting women. And then when the victim is NOT a woman (or the dom is interesting subject at all really)- whoops it’s not normal, off to the Gay or Femdom box! We don’t want some wanking man to have his erection spoiled.

Think, for a moment, how this comes across if you’re into femdom and you’re trying to access this as an educational resource. Much of the advice, from safewords to bondage and hitting, is unsexed unless you are torturing or tying a sex specific body part. The psychology of it is fairly universal and they have female dominants teaching in their workshop. But there’s still this idea that both male homosexuality and female dominance must be sequestered.

And you deal with this in the BDSM community too, online and off.

It comes up in the endless whining about how the ratios of femdoms to male subs are fucked because, as these complaints boil down to, the person whining that they can’t find a person will tell you that being a femdom isn’t normal. You find it in the every day assumptions that when you mean a BDSM couple you mean M/f, whether on reddit or fetlife or out doing your thing. Even at my munches, people tell me how they don’t like femdom, because all they see is this ghetto-ized Femdom-as-a-Fetish for men or come to me and tell me they don’t think I am a femdom because I don’t fit this narrow version of what they think it looks like.

And I’m not asking for something unreasonable. Major kink toy retailer, “The Stockroom” went through this with their dual catalogs- one that featured a mixture of mostly female models and the other one that was focused on displaying their products on male bodies. And you know what? Someone pointed out to them that sorting Gay/Straight based on model was weird and they knocked it off. And it didn’t hurt anything to change up the lables.

So its not impossible to do the same thing for femdom. It doesn’t have to be a special extra thing that’s ancillary to the regular kink, like some sort of separate flavour. We can acknowledge that male and female dominants have more similarities. When i comes to porn aimed at men I can see why you would pander, but when it comes to education, we should expect better.

Get your shit together kink.com. As a kink educator, in this aspect, you suck at making femdom accessible as something other than a male fantasy and this is leaving  femdom identifying or exploring women in the cold.

Reader Letters: Found Another Imbecile In The Comments!

This person, calling themselves nischt@gmail.com, as well as various trying too hard to edge aliases, decided to grace me with their startling well spelled but nonetheless incoherent messages that got stuck in the spam filter.

Here they are responding to my post on Don’t Fear the 50Shades Newbies:

They start off by quoting something I said. Okay…

“And if you try you are going to sound like a huge hipster trying to keep your exclusive hobbies from the poseurs. This also goes to people who think there is some sort of unbroken legacy that’s been handed down but will now be neglected- sorry guys, BDSM is an activity practiced in the private bedrooms of couples all around the world. You don’t get a monopoly to define and control kink and you never had one.”

And then they move into the parallel tracks of Abusive Twat Itch and Misses The Point at my use of the word “guys”.

Methinks chucklefuck doesn’t realize that “guys” is a gender neutral as well as a casual way to refer to men, because here’s where the post goes crazy whore-o-phobe, like that scene with the pea soup from the exorcist.

And, you’re trying to sound like a huge hipster by giving everyone the “lowdown” on the scene, and the impression that it’s trying to be stolen from women and couples by “guys”. I think that you’ll have a valid opinion on authentic kink and authentic sex, when you stop peddling your a)Heavily Discounted + b)Full service +rub & tug c) 15 min special / fat back-page ass to whoever has a few 20’s, or some shitty coke in their wallet. You’re a human toilet.

Wat?

But no, this churlish bladder cyst didn’t think he’d made his point. He needs he to know he’s onto my sex worker ways! He’s so ANGRY at his belief that I’m a low wage sex worker. So much so that he needs to hate read more of my work, and leave this fresh bit of nonsense as a follow up comment.

Almost everything you write, includes a claim that you’re not a sex worker. Yet, you’re a common back page whore. Who is the audience of this page that you’re trying to convince? Is it your sponsor? Hehehehe. I don’t think they would want to be associated with a an abusive piece of human garbage mascarading as a toilet for old men, would they?

Ooooh, they got *so* far into seeming like they could write coherently and then they misspelled “masquerade“. I don’t know what a mascara-ding is, but that probably has to do with eyelashes.

Asides from that, what in the ever loving fuck are they rattling on about? Sponsor? The only commercial aspects of this website are related to sex. This is a sex blog. I’m also very vocal about being a sex worker ally. I’m actually kind of curious what benighted little wanking session dragged them from their fantasy land long enough to befoul my inbox based on a post that is a few weeks shy of a full year old.

So Nischt-sie-poop-sie, good news! You’ve been nominated as the first entrant as “Our Favourite Hatemail of 2016” under the category of “Blithering Imbecile with No Contact with Reality”. 

Bets on if this is Jeremy Smith again, under a new pen name, or some other desperate for attention person?

Moronic Messages: Backpeddling Butthurt

There’s nothing a dominant woman likes more than being randomly solicited. This conversation took place in my inbox via reddit. I’d posted in a completely kink unrelated thread about the website policy, mentioning I was moderator of /r/femdomcommunity, and clearly this guy took it as a good reason to reach out.

Him: Hey…how’s it going? (kay, not so bad, but you know these kinds of things never end well)

Me: Hello! Well, I suppose… (be nice Pearl, he could be a lost newbie…)

Him: Curious- do you get a lot of random PMs like this?

Me: Once in a blue moon. Can I help you with something? (wait for it, wait for it…)

Him: Wanna be my online domme? I mean I’ve got Skype- want to instruct me as to what to do and stuff? I love taking orders… (BAM! There he goes!)

Me: Absolutely not. Do you think all female dominants provide some sort of online wanking assistance programming or something?
Or did you assume because I mentioned my sexual orientation I wanted to be solicited by randoms?

Him: JC. Only asking… calm down (because the best thing you can do is tell a woman she’s getting emotional)

Me: Fuck off. I was telling you very plainly what your mistake was, you don’t get to hide your bad manners behind curiosity and then accuse me of being unreasonable. You sexually solicited a stranger, you don’t get to control her reaction.

Do you think all female dominants provide some sort of online wanking assistance programming or something?

Or did you assume because I mentioned my sexual orientation I wanted to be solicited by randoms?

Him: You didn’t ‘plainly tell me what my mistake was’. Just sounded like you wanted something to bitch about. Why do you have to be mean? A simple yes/no will suffice. I didn’t force you to do it, just asked a question. (You got an answer buddy. Don’t whine.)

Me: Because you are a presumptive twit who just asked me “wanna cyber” because you saw femdom and assumed it meant I wanted to be solicited, and when I called you on it you acted like a butt hurt little bitch. Now go away.

Him: Stop looking for something to get pissed off at.

Me: Still talking? Waaah, waaaah. Guy with no social skills is mad strange woman didn’t respect him after he solicited her like a cheap whore. So sad!

Him: Ha I’m not the one who’s losing their temper, silly woman. (So submissive. Much respect for women. So very slave!)

Me: Awwww, look, he’s trying to hold frame!

Ladies, I bet he’s still single. 😉

Reader Letter: Ronald Gill Follow Up

So as a follow up to me going public with Ronald Gill, as mentioned in my last blog post, Ferns of Domme Chronicles mentioned on twitter this little pustule was blistering up her inbox as well -although he was being relatively innocuous, if trying to rush interactions with her like a creep is to be considered normal. Upon Ferns discovering his behavior towards me, he obviously got told to hop it.

And of course he decided to flip his wig and send me a long, rape threat laden rant in response.

Pearl,
Fuck face, how are you cunt?  That was a neat post and I love my name (which obviously is not mine anyway) being posted on your website/blog.
Should I thank you for that?  Perhaps not.  Perhaps I should let you suck my cock for free.
Perhaps United Nations must award you for some great work for your research on my location you ugly cunt..seriously..wait..I am not joking..lol.
So you think posting about me on your blog will not stop me from meeting you soon and raping the sit out of you you dumb ass? lol
Nice try though, I expected a coward like you was at least capable of doing that you dumb fuck. Lol
Who cares who your ex is?  Who cares who the whore you are?
The fact is Pearl is a whore as much as sun rises in the east.
Did a dog rape your mom or did your father rape a donkey?
Well Pearl, nice try though, dumb ass.
You proved yet again that you are a filthy piece of shitty fuck meat, who will have a hot iron rod plunged deep into your pussy soon.
Try more, post more if you like.  Will that make you find me?  Sure, when I will be raping the shit out of you you hag.
Ron

Aww, muffin! Apparently it didn’t occur to him that doms talk to each other.

He’s also particularly fixated on the WHORESWHORESWHORES aspect, as well as rape and miscellaneous animals – methinks he moonlights as a Game of Thrones villain when he’s not camped out being rejected by femdoms. Because I can bet large amounts of money every single interaction he’s ever tried with a woman online has resulted in her ignoring him through to outright blocking.

And that’s going to happen when he creates a new persona that’s not “DrRonald” the medical missionary, because he’s going to give off the exact same sketchy, off vibe I got the first time he hit my inbox, and the same pushy, stupid cliche and porn fed approach that causes anyone but a professional with the patience of Buddha to auto delete (and most pros to delete with extreme prejudice as well).

I do, however, feel sorry for the women who are new to this. For people like Ferns and I, it sucks, but it’s like the legally permitted amount of animal wastes in human food – it’s there but you generally just try not to think about it. But I’d hate to think if he was your first message and not the 300th time you’ve dealt with the whip around “waah, you don’t want me so now I hate you!”

Of course I’m not particularly concerned that he will actually physically come to my location- the serial and absurd levels of lying means that he’s clearly someone usually happily buried in a fantasy life- probably not very geographically mobile at all, probably trying to hid from the miserable limitations of knowing he’s an unfortunate human being- and indeed as Wildcard observed, these outbursts of crazy are on profile with the reactions of someone lashing out when their delusions are called into question.

Regardless, the trotgill@yahoo.com and all his other aliases (eg “drronald777” on skype, or rudyk) are done, at least in so far as their being a public record of his behaviour. Even before he went nuts, both Ferns and I smelled a rat and looked him up within a few messages- and I really can see the name-n-shame approach is really the best way of handling this sort of abusive nonsense.

Crazy Messages: Why Ronald Gill will never find a femdom

So a couple of weeks ago, I got another contender for the spot currently occupied by “Jeremy Smith”. For a little while I hesitated to publish this for a number of reasons. First of all, the challenge with getting crazy, entitled messages is that the people who send them probably know better already. As I’ve stated in my FAQ, abusive messages result in naming and shaming. I don’t feel particularly mean here- this isn’t doxing as the guy has m4femdom ads under several versions of this name or other names than Ronald Gill an easy Google search away. Plus, there’s a lot of advice oriented around not poking the crazy after it shows its true colours. And this guy decided what I really needed in my life was a rape threat.

Now as far as messages, Ron opened with yet another standard, relatively innocuous plea that I appear to be genuinely into this stuff, although he didn’t really provide any information about himself other then the field he worked in, and the sort of grammar structure that hints ESL, suggesting this was an international solicitation.  Basically just spam, since I’m not exactly hanging out a shingle saying ‘dominant for all”, but the sort of thing that happens because if you are apparently female that means that people think you want to be partnered with them with a little coaxing.

In so far as unsolicited come ons, I have a policy of declining people with an actual response, and if their approach is too far off the mark, telling them so. In Ron’s case I was mostly baffled why he thought I was interested and told him as much, querying why he thought I’d want a complete stranger in a geographically remote location.

Contact with him merely made him think he was being considered, and I learned he was under the impression that Wildcard and my Ex were the same person, that I had made Wildcard into my slave after a breakup. Ron was apparently all set to make the jump from Seattle to Canada based purely on my status as a female dominant. Now as a relationship progresses that might not be unhealthy goal for an LDR, but keep in mind this guy was anxiously waiting for  yes so he could file for a transfer at his job- before he new my real name or even whether or not I wasn’t  raving psychopath. But, he claimed, there just wasn’t anyone available in Seattle.

For anyone sensible, warning bells were already sounding when someone living in a major american city claims to have only met professionals and findoms. Not even “I’ve met many nice dominants, but they all seem to be in relationships/do not suit” but that this guy genuinely seems to think what he met was all there was, and his reading comprehension was just a little teensy bit off in ways that were very self serving.

Suffice to say, I turned him down, and then when he asked what was wrong with me, told him not to contact me again. To which he responded with this gem:

Hi Pearl,
Where do you live?  No, seriously, where?  Coz, I want to come and rape you you fuck faced ass holed slut..LOL.
Ron

At this point I would describe him as not so much unhinged, as having completely lost his doors and shutters, and possibly the roof to boot. The sad part is that this is not exactly abnormal behaviour from men receiving a no. You get used to the “fuck you, you’re ugly anyways” as your personal choice after being is taken as some sort of cruel and unsolicited judgement of their value as a person

But this is one of those cases where you know the guy is his own worst enemy. I don’t know how much of his public persona is a fabrication- he claims to be a doctor and/or working for a medical non-profit, but writes like he’s got a head injury. There’s a couple of years of scattered online dating profiles, all of the “plz dom me” kind, placing him in India, which suggests this is equally likely his wank account and he isn’t coming anywhere near any of the North American femdoms he’s hoping will be interested in him. But, I’m posting this primarily because it’s always been useful to me to know I’m not alone when someone is proving beyond a shadow of a doubt why they should never be alone with a woman.

Lifestyle VS Pro and The Male Sub Loot Grab

So I was recently reading the advice of the blogger Cara Sutra, on the difference between professional and lifestyle dominants. And I’m sorry, she got it wrong. Cara is an experienced and award winning sex journalist and I have nothing personally against her, but this post is rife with errors and the sort of general misinformation that is not helping anyone.

As far as what she said, initially she wasn’t too bad: one of them charges by the hour and the other one doesn’t. No big deal, right? Then she got into more detail and things went tits up.

There is a world of difference between a talented Dominant who is financially recompensed for her time and talents, and a sex worker who chooses to incorporate bondage and corporal punishment into the services she offers. Too many people make the mistake of assuming that the two are one and the same.

Professional Dommes are not prostitutes. Any remuneration is for her Domination skills and expertise, not for sexual contact or sex acts. Sexual contact will not be a part of any session with any Professional Dominatrix worth her salt.

No, not really- this has a problem in that it’s trying to distance the penis touchers from the people who just do hit & bossy while not considering the broader context of the differences. There are reasons why this makes sense (much like the efforts to convey that in strip clubs, there isn’t usually sex in the champagne room) but it’s a problem, which I will explain.

Sex worker is a broad continuum of people in a diverse industry, and includes everyone from porn performers to street walkers, but prodoms are part of that club. Like all people, professional dominants have their own personal comfort points and limits, but this is one of those things that’s more on a spectrum and heavily determined by your local vice laws. While professional dominants obviously focus on D/s and generally don’t do vanilla sex acts with clients (and get fed up with being offered an extra $20 for a happy ending), many also limit themselves to specific BDSM related things, for example no strapons or otherwise sexually touching the guy based either on what the local laws allow or what they feel is okay, VS professionals who are happy to snap on a glove and edge or finger clients.

But by trying to protect professionals from being asked to do things they are not comfortable with, Cara Sutra is perpetuating the idea that mixing sexual stuff with your D/s is bad, and that this is all about dom skill, when in practice, fucking your subs doesn’t make you less dominant. This is a particular sort of snobbery born out of frustration- when it comes to the pros I feel like a lot of the women with this attitude are pulling rank because claiming you are more dominant this way sounds better than explaining that the average client doesn’t get you horny, you don’t need that kind of risk in your life or that you have enough problems with the legality of your profession as it is.

But then Cara Sutra talks about lifestyle, which is where I fall, and she hits one of my pet peeves.

That is not to say that Lifestyle Domination equals “getting it for free”. The nature of FemDom shows that submissives would do well to recognise the value of their Mistress and show their appreciation of her time once accepted into her service. Not merely through obedience and submission, but regular gifts should at least be offered. If nothing else, it’s good manners and part of BDSM scene etiquette.

No. No. No. Arrgh, Fuck no. This taken for granted male sub loot grab is a marker of what I call “grey area prodoms”. These people bill themselves as ‘lifestyle’, but it’s said with palm extended, because as the reasoning goes, doms are scarce, so they decide they are worth it. It’s kink plus extras, right?

Look, I don’t care if you, in your own personal dynamic, give gifts to your lover- there are many ways to express affection. And yes, findom is a valid fetish. However, just being dominant and a woman in no way means I deserve to be compensated for my interactions with the opposite sex. Seriously, nobody tells lesbian subs to get out their wallets if they really want to show their appreciation. A male dom asking for prezzies would probably get laughed out of the dungeon. But somehow having tits and a desire to dominate means that male subs should presume gratitude by default. This is a problem because:

  1. It’s rife with exploitation, with newbie subs getting fleeced for trying to explore their kinks.
  2. It perpetuates the idea that a femdom is a service provider filling the male sub’s fantasy, rather than two or more equals coming together to do power exchange and kink for mutual satisfaction.
  3. It teaches malesubs they are worthless and opens them up to all sorts of abuse.

In discussion about this, a couple of times, the conversation has turned to the subject of how if he’s not gifting me, he’s exchanging something else, right? Like service! Like how femdom also assumes in a way that femsub doesn’t, that the sub has to bribe me for being willing to play along somehow.

Talk about being alienated from your own sexuality! While some of us are only doing it for the warm and fuzzies emotionally, I do this because it makes my cunt feel good, and I am in the majority of kinksters, not the minority. Look, seriously, this is not a rare gift I was given to play out on an audience of deserving men, this is what the fetish fairy handed me when the kinks were being given out.

When I spank Wildcard, it’s not because Wildcard drapes me in diamonds or folded all my laundry – the only compensation is his upturned ass, his willing and enthusiastic consent and his arousal. When I beat the shit out of my friend at a play party and he’s in tears, he doesn’t buy me dinner for the grace of getting a unicorn to kick him in the balls- getting to do that to him is as much a privilege as a dominant as it is a privilege as a sub to be doubled over clutching his candy. Because you know what? Without a partner, my dominance is just me, my hand and my fantasies in ForeverAloneVille. Just like a partnerless sub.

You could argue that if Wildcard walked under a bus (god forbid), the demand for femdoms is such that I could find a male sub, but the reality is that while there are certainly more men apparently identifying as male subs, he’s kinda irreplaceable. Much like how Dee over at Dumb Domme wouldn’t be so ripped up about her boy having to move, or Ferns of Domme Chronicles would not be on such a lengthy search if a good partner was something female dominants really could take for granted.

Cara Sutra is selling the idea that rather than being an inherently good match, you should expect to jump through thirty kinds of hoops, backwards with a wad of cash in your mouth. But really, this sort of blurring of lifestyle VS pro also pops up again in her advice to femdoms on how to decide which role suits you.

A good answer to the question of lifestyle VS pro is that the latter are sex workers, so you shouldn’t do it unless you are prepared to be a small business owner/independent contractor in a marginalized industry. Easy, right? Let’s see what Cara Sutra says:

Knowing whether you are a Professional or Lifestyle Mistress, or a submissive drawn to Professional or Lifestyle Domination, comes down to a number of factors. These include your understanding of and attitude to your own kink as well as your personal life circumstances.

For instance, you may be a woman with no desire to manage a submissive outside of a set session, or a submissive who cannot commit time beyond a session to serve a Mistress on a more day to day basis. Professional Domination would suit both of these cases.

Dafuq?Hmm… uh, I guess people who aren’t 24/7 don’t exist? I’m really surprised someone with Cara Sutra’s background appears to literally not know what the fuck she is talking about. If you don’t want to do D/s outside of defined ‘scenes’ you should go pro? Reeeeally. How did we go from “pro doms are skilled professionals” to this being the better option for women doing short haul D/s?

I really hope this is a typo, but again, it’s not really good advice to male subs that if they are not into round the clock D/s (eg bedroom only) a prodom is a better choice for them either.

Then she talks about some of the challenges of trying to figure out your orientation and spits out this gem:

In order to reduce the chance of psychological, emotional and sometimes even physical hurt, it is important to determine your orientation and Domination needs as early in your kink journey as possible. Investing time and emotion into a Dominant/submissive bond which does not combine the right facets for one or both people involved is a painful event which can potentially take years to heal.

Thoughtlessly experimenting with D/s relationships is no less hurtful than toying with a person’s emotions in vanilla relationships. Ensuring you are both on the same page will mean you’re doing your best to guard against any loss of interest, feeling neglected, getting hurt or hurting someone who is investing time and emotion in you.

I’m not entirely sure what this had to do with deciding if sex work is for you, but it’s still silly. it sounds nice and considerate- after all, relationship failures suck! It’s even the subject of my last blog post, where a couple discovered they had to renegotiate their relationship after it was already established. But you know what? That’s not the same thing as being a shitty partner, that’s a normal part of human sexuality.

I don’t know how you could get physically hurt by, in effect, breaking up with someone, but if you do, you are doing something wrong. Realistically, you generally need to try stuff to confirm you like it, and claiming testing this stuff and being wrong is the equivalent of being intentionally emotionally manipulative is unreasonable.

Assuming you are a new male sub or female dom reading this, or just someone curious about some kink ideas they have, Cara Sutra’s blog post is going to actively spread misinformation. Not only does it encourage taking up being a prodom without any sort of realistic look into what that involves, but it gives a very skewwed idea of what is okay behaviour in a non-professional relationship, as well as putting way, way too much weight on getting your feelings hurt.

It’s shit like this that lowers the quality expectations for women trying to make a living doing this, while discouraging women who are personally into it from indulging their curiosity and for male subs to lead with a huge pile of promises and presents that get in the way of getting to know the guy, while reflecting the deep shame he feels for being saddled with a kink that gets treated like a burden. It’s also stuff like this why I wrote things like “why I make a big deal out of not being a pro femdom“, and part of why it took me until my early twenties before I was confident enough to call myself a dominant.

MRA, PUA and Weird Male Dominance Fixations

So, there’s moments when one becomes utterly mystified by the state of other people’s sexual psychosis. Especially places that take a whole range of vocabulary you use or one thing and twist them into something else. One of them is the Manosphere’s absurd obsession with being Alpha and Dominant.

So, what’s the Manosphere?

To bring you up to speed with the subject of the post: as you are probably well aware, we live in a world that is full of inequalities. One way that these manifest is along the arbitrary binary of gender roles and expectations that are attached to them. This fucks over a lot of people, male and female. I’m a feminist and unapologetic about this. However another segment of the population, mostly expressing themselves online, deals with these challenges with other methods, mostly by making a damn fool out of themselves in a way that’s collectively embarrassing to men and women.

MRA, (Mens Rights Activists) take the inherent problems that come with maleness (other men trying to kill you, poor social tolerance for weakness, poor tolerance for acting in stereotypical ‘female’ ways), and, for the most part, blame feminism. They’re joined by PUA (pick up artists) who are by and large men who decided that the solution to all life’s problems are at the bottom of someone’s vagina and they need to figure out an elaborate algorithm that lets them access as many as possible in their search. As you might imagine, failing to see women as people is a criteria for both groups, so there is extensive overlap. As, for some reason, with Libertarianism, because governments are seen as the pesky enforcers of such things as welfare for single mothers and child support arbitrators.  These (mostly)men generally share a strong thread of gynophobia but also intense social anxiety- not so much misogyny, as outright “get her before she gets you!” thinking that often extends to assuming everyone is out to get you and that they exist in a world of nasty inter-male competition. A side effort is put into describing men who do not buy into this system as chumps or ‘manginas’ who hurt the glorious man cause.

This is leaving aside the ones who have decided to swear off women completely (to everyone’s mutual relief, thanks MenGoingTheirOwnWay!), there is a rather absurd trend to want relationships with women but go to elaborate lengths to have the upper hand and the belief that women all want a particular kind of man who is Very Dominant. So dominant as to require an exhausting degree of emotional manipulation to maintain the facade that you rule all your relationships.

Now you say “Male Dominant” and outside of my sometimes unfair snickering about rope tops in utilikilts, I will imagine a true cross section of the male population. Well, in practice men who identify as doms are statistically more likely to identify as feminists and kinky people tend to be more likely to fit into the PolyPaganNerdy bubble, but they’re going to be all sorts of different kinds of guys, from cuddle kitten to catpiss. Ask your Manosphere wannabe dom types though, and you have something very different. Precisely speaking, the push to be Dominant-to-Women functions on the premise that there will always be someone in charge- and if you don’t take charge she will be in charge of you and use you- and, in general the MRA brigade emphasize that if she was a pre-feminist good old fashioned girl she would be a lot happier- she just has to find her inherent submissive. Take this advice from popular MRA/pickup artist subreddit, the Red Pill, on developing a long term relationship (Unicorn Hunting):

Women are as miseducated as men about what is effective and what they should want. The delusion is pervasive, and any woman won’t fully know she wishes for a strong leader until she feels this leadership first hand, and that’s your job. You are a Captain. It’s your job to inspire loyalty, trust, and devotion. The “natural Unicorn” has these things, but they can otherwise be developed in a good, reasonable woman. I’m not suggesting you snatch up an attractive feminist shrew (a sort of Unicorn in its own right) and expect good results, but I’d be stunned to see the transition and result. This would be TRP on Nightmare mode and would be worthy of… So. Many. Field reports.

At best, some of them conflate dominating a situation with simply having a strong opinion. That’s mostly harmless, other than basically encouraging people to go further down the path of jibbering crazy. Some of them cast themselves as metaphorical pet owners, who think that women need to be trained like dogs- if indeed dogs do respond best to Caesar Milano style training over other methods. It’s not uncommon to find either what boils down to femdom fantasies of evil matriarchies ruling the world or on the flip side, fantasies that if society were to collapse, all those Wicked Women Would Be Sorry.

Expect, if you spend time in the Manosphere, to be told that the occupations of women are make work that’s destroying the economy and that there is something wrong with western women that has made them all aggressive and, often treated like a sin against the social order, ugly. These chaps will fantasize about how Eastern European/Asian women are ideal and wax lustful about it at length, stickying their keyboards with heavily photo-shopped pictures of Korean or Ukranian models, or babble about the significance of hair length. That’s really popular at the moment, and many of these men are positively obsessed with the idea that women are Wrong if they do anything to change up an outward appearance that’s compliant with cultural signifies of femininity.

You also get a lot of debating about straw feminists, usually with a misquote or two from Dworkin, which is like trying to argue against neurobiology by referencing Jungian archetypes… incorrectly. Most MRA would not know what a feminist was if they walked into one, which is part of what makes the whole thing so unbelievably embarrassing.

As far as MRA behaving badly, at the extreme end of things, you get Mark Lepine and the guy who shot up an women’s exercise class because younger women didn’t want to date him, or for that matter, Breivik, who was generally anti-left but included the idea that women should be barred from access to graduate studies as part of his vision for the future- being Scandinavian I suppose even he couldn’t imagine anyone not getting at least some higher education. Because of unfortunate associations, this also means that much more issues focused lobby groups, such as those looking to increase custodial rights for fathers, often need to distance themselves from the cuckoo groups.

On the other hand, long term reading of MRA and PUA generally causes me to over emphasize the value of their voice in popular discourse and I occasionally have to take a step back and remind myself that while what you have is people who hate everything about me that makes me who I am and call for what is a reduction of my civil liberties and my enslavement, they are a minority of voices. And yet…

It also makes me wonder what, among men so desperate to be Dominant, they would make of my dominance, or really any kinky dominance.  Some of them make a concession that there’s a small bubble of “Lantern Jawed Lesbians”, women who are unfortunate men-trapped-in-the-bodies-of-women, in their estimation. In this context that means that they also tend to accuse women who embrace feminist theory of being ugly and trying to rework the social order to avoid their just punishment for this failure to conform with how the MRA wish women were like. This also generally involves a lot of flailing about claiming that say, women of the past were much happier than modern women. Well, I mean asides from the massive infant mortality, dying early of preventable diseases, over work and malnutrition- but don’t worry, men are natural providers and protectors. 😛

It’s pretty much the same drum that’s been banged since the ancient Greeks:

The tribes of women
come in four breeds: bee, bitch, and savage-looking sow,
and mare with long flowing mane. The mare
is sprightly, swift, gadabout and most lovely in form.
The savage-looking sow is neither good nor rotten,
and the bitch is troublesome and fierce-tempered.
Yes, the bee is best: a good housekeeper
who knows how to work. Dear friend, I tell you,
to win a desirable marriage, pray for a bee.

Phocylides (Greek, ca. 600 B.C.)

But, what precisely, does the world view of someone who sees women in charge as either mentally ill or being tricked by society into being led astray stack up against sexual kinks?

I know guys who ID as sub men, who are equally proudly anti-feminist. When I say ‘know’, I mean avoid- but my point holds that D/s is hardly a perfect unassailable bastion of humanism. And yet on the flip side, these MRA focused communities will simultaneously hold up sexual behaviour that’s right out of a kink playbook (rough, degrading), while swearing up and down that they ain’t kinky. The women who buy into this are particularly bizarre, kind of like the Christian Domestic Discipline quadrant who want their spankings while claiming it isn’t sexy- these women obsess over being ‘submissive’, but get offended if people pigeonhole them into kinky.

So does it follow that you could be a MRA and sexually submissive? I posed that question on the reddit debate forum, The Purple Pill with mixed results.

Mostly, other than a shy man who sees himself as super Alpha in his relationship except for the whole humiliation via sissification thing, I got a lot of people doing things like explaining to me that since dominant women were scarce, I effectively didn’t exist. Some argued that male submission violated some sort of natural law (like gravity,  guess?) and got hung up on explaining BIO TROOFS.

One thing that’s particularly striking is the habit of the guys to justify themselves based on the fact that it’s not that they really value all of the Alpha-as-fuck aspects personally, but it’s what women want… so clearly they can’t help but give women what they crave, right? Or women will never let them use them as a penis cozy!

But I’m A Nice Guy from Scott Benson on Vimeo.