Reader Letter: “Femdom Housewife?”

I recently got this rather sweet letter from a long term reader, so I’m glad to get a chance to answer for everyone. It’s a topic I’ve talked about before- the awkward relationship between gender roles and power, but if people are still asking about if you can be a femdom housewife, it deserves another mention.

Inquisitive writes…

O Miss Pearl,

I am a bit-more-than-occasional reader of your blog. Recently, a thought has been egging my curiosity.
I was wondering that whether its possible for a male and female in a Femdom relationship (with said relationship being applicable in the bedroom and to a certain, not-discernible-to-others extent, outside the bedroom too … just to provide context) to still have traditional roles with regards to division of labor in the household. That is, man is breadwinner who is career oriented (or has certain ambitions in life) and engages majority of the week’s time in bread winning, career making and training etc. while the woman is in-charge of the household (and maybe has a small side business too in her spare time). A Goddess-of-the-Hearth, so to speak.
Just to be clear, I’m not at all trying to imply that that is “how things should be”. People should do what they choose to do, whether its career-making or home-making, and people whose choices are mutually compatible should come together. Also, I’m the last person in the world to “look down” on the role of a homemaker. I’ve seen first hand how invaluable the contribution of a homemaker can be that s/he provides in exchange for their upkeep.
My query is that, in your opinion, is such a domestic understanding/arrangement even practically possible in the context of this kind of relationship. And if it is possible, just how likely is it to find a woman genuinely into femdom who’d be willing for such an arrangement in life?
Looking forward to your response.
Thanking you,
Yours faithfully,
Inquisitive
Dear Inquisitive,

Of course homemaking is a fine calling for a femdom! I’m glad you asked and gave me a chance to talk about it. Although gainfully employed, I have already talked about being a domestic dominant. I personally find it fulfilling. It’s a part of my assigned gender I like.

Contemporary feminism reminds us that household domestic work is still work, and although not compensated financially, is no less useful. Indeed, there is a push to have measures like the GDP recognize this unpaid labour as well, to truly reflect the productivity of a nation.  Housework is work, and it is largely misogyny that it is devalued in the first place.
Criticism of “traditional” roles relate not to the labour itself, but to a lack of options that often accompany the pressure to do it, or stereotypes that demand other behaviours along with the universal mundanity of making meals and removing the dirt from the living space. No matter the railings of reactionary ninnies like “Above Rubies” or the emotional self stunting of the “Surrendered Wife”, if everyone in the relationship is freely choosing things to be so, then all is as it should be- and there is nothing about domesticity that implies submission.
Indeed, domestic discipline, with it’s spoon and hairbrush wielding matrons, is, in itself a fetish.  The imagery of a fashionable mid-century woman is just as likely to be put on like a costume by a dominatrix as an evangelical, and both do so because it armors them in a kind of power we are inherently aware of.  You see it even in would be secular reactionaries like Red Pill Women, or the assertions of the #tradwife brigade, that once they take it outside the context of a consensual kink, they can bray all they want about submission, but these women are, functionally, in charge.
Once you aren’t bound into a role, everything else is set dressing and personal choice.
Even excluding the wealth of pornography that blends so called traditional domestic imagery with femdom, to be a dominant is an act of desire that doesn’t stick itself to any gender or social class.  Women and men have always, sometimes, wanted female led relationships, regardless of the particular background noise of their culture, and simple, pat separation of feminine = submissive, domestic = drudge is ahistorical, revisionism, trying to make a narrative that was never as fixed as we seem to try to teach, where woman in her natural state is a slave.
(Ok, ironically for most of human history, human labour for all genders was primarily everyone subsitance farming, but even then, femdom is not new. Even when your biggest concern was spinning enough wool to not have your fingers freeze off while stockpiling turnips, there had to have at least been a few women who took the laundry paddle in from the wash house and filled their smokey wattle and daub hut with squeals and giggles. It ain’t like modern doms of any gender are all high powered CEO rocket scientists)  
And the truth is, even unpacking traditional roles, femininity often includes expectations of power and management, from deciding family spending to directing the entirety of the life choices of the family as a unit. When women protest exhaustion or frustration with their gender, is is not the work itself (although it can be hard), but the sensation of being taken for granted, or when their leadership is undermined. When women control their own finances, bodies and destinies, well, if you have the shared wealth that one of you can concentrate their labour indoors, while the other works outside the home, go nuts.
So in parting, have your femdom housewife life. As long as you are listening to her and affirming her power, you should be fine.
Love,
Miss Pearl
More posts on the subject include a post on the limits of caretaking and another more detailed riff on The Darker Side of Caretaking

Reader Letter: Communicating Your Needs To Your Sub

This reader has another common femdom problem- dealing with getting the head space right when your frame of reference is decidedly focused on partner pleasing. Add that age old bugbear of personal anxiety about your attractiveess, and you have a thorny problem worth examining.

readerletterHi Miss Pearl,
I just wanted to say I love your site. You have really given me perspective and help to evaluate how I want my relationship to be, not how others think it should be. I do need some advice though!
I have been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years.  He has been in one previous D/s relationship that ended badly, and has not been in one since. I have recently discovered, especially since being with him, I enjoy being more dominant. The problem is, I have never been in a D/s relationship, and I feel like he is more experienced than me. He also seems reluctant to try things with me, and is convinced I want to be dominant just for him. He also has a hard time telling me anything that he likes, he only says it is about a “headspace” for him. From the things he says, I think he needs a nurturing/loving domme. I also think he has some shame about the things he likes it bed, and usually leaves it up to me to try new things. I find he does open up more the kinkier the things we try.
The problem is I feel like I have hit a wall. I know what I want, and I have all these fantasies, but when it comes to trying them I get anxiety. I end up stopping what I want to try and we just have vanilla sex.

I feel like I am lacking the confidence (I am a bit chubby, and have some body issues) to take the reigns, and combined with my anxiety it’s holding me back. What do I do? How do I get over this anxiety? Any advice is greatly appreciated.
Thanks,
M

Dear M:

Some of your problems are things that you can work on with your partner, some is his stuff to deal with, and some of it are things you need to work on to help yourself heal. I’m going to start with you, because it’s easier to work on yourself than change others.

First, you:

You deserve to take care of yourself emotionally and feel good.

It sucks not to love your body. That part has to come from inside. As much as I can try to point you in the right direction, you will probably find a good therapist can better give you the tools to help build a self image that helps you recognize how beautiful you actually are. I’m going to come out and say that you can be morbidly obese and be captivating.

Look, you’re probably like most of the people living in the top and middle bits of North America. That means, by clinical terms, a little “overweight”. No biggie. Your ancestors for the last thousand years busted themselves to make that possible for you. Only a minority of heterosexual men are specifically wired to their preferences enough to find this anything close to a draw back. If it makes you unhappy or causes you health problems, by all means discuss it with a doctor, but don’t let your body ever stop you from being a femdom.

Some of the most beautiful women in history have had your general configurations- we immortalize them in art. Still other women are erroneously remembered for a beauty they never official had- Cleopatra, for example, was written in her era as not being particularly physically compelling. Her charm was in being an educated, confident polymath and her power was in her self assurance. The aftermath is that we remember her as pretty because guess what- power is beauty more so than the other way around. Getting back off the tangent, take the time to surround yourself with role models who look like you, to remind yourself that a soft body is not a bad body.

The other thing I noticed is that your question is laced with things you think he needs. I feel like his needs are overshadowing yours in your decision making process and this may be causing part of his impression that you are just doing this for him. Maybe he’s a black hole who takes without giving any input, but I don’t see you talking about your specific fetishes and desires, just his lack out output.
One of the hardest, most vulnerable things about femdom is it asks women to be selfish after a lifetime of being told our strength and power in in how we understand and control the needs of others. Being dominant often means putting ourselves out there- we have to deal with the expectation we should be assertive, mean, but even more frighteningly, suddenly we don’t just have needs but also wants and whims.
He’s not getting that your main want right now is reassurance you are desired. But, you are also leaving yourself out of your own sex life when you only look for what he wants.

Now, him:

With your partner, there are some things he needs to stop. One of them is the “you are just doing this for meeeee”. He probably thinks he’s helping, but it’s is seriously undermining since he’s essentially telling you that your sexuality doesn’t exist. Since you already have problems with self abrogation, this is creating a negative feedback loop, you are looking to get your dominance appreciated and he is trying to spare you doing him a favour. He needs to start pushing himself out there and surrendering his needs, just as much as you do.

As a part of that, he needs to understand that sexuality is a back and forth. It is not one person’s job to bring the entertainment for the night and react and he can’t use his submission as permission to be a lump on a bump. That being said, a lot of people being communicative really challenging, and his base state may be what he’s presenting. Only going by your description, he may just count himself lucky he gets sex on whatever terms you decide it happens.

I hope that helps you have something to talk about together. Wildcard and I use a weekly brunch at a cafe (my treat) as a nice space out of the house where we can discuss these things and that check in time outside the bedroom is very important to us.

Now, BOTH:

Right, so now you’re prepared to talk about it together, I recognize it’s still a little daunting to get your sub to open up. Now before you get out the hammer and chisel, there are a few tools you can use as conversational aides.

First of all, avoid accusations. It always goes one of two ways. Either the conversation gets derailed by mea culpas and you reassuring him, or if he’s a defensive soul, it gets fighty. Acknowledge the problem is a mutual challenge that you need his help with. Neither of you are going to get anywhere until you both put your kink cards on the table.

To do that, there’s a wealth of resources like mojo upgrade or fetish checklists that you can share with each other. You may even find this makes things easier as sometimes face to face conversations can be overwhelming for even the best of us. Communicating your needs shouldn’t be a bridge too far- between the pair of you, there’s bound to be some material to work with. However, it has to come from both of you.

Sincerely,
Miss Pearl

Reader Letter: Do Femdoms Have Sex?

A reader wrote in with this question, a very common one, usually asked by new femdoms wondering if they will ever get to have sex again, and new subs wondering what to expect when they meet the dom of their dreams. Does femdom mean nothing by cock cages and cunnilingus in queening chairs? Do femdoms have sex without $8000 worth of leather and bondage furniture? Of course long term readers know we do, but it’s still worth putting more information on the subject out there.

Reader letter do femdoms have sex?

Dear Miss Pearl:

How often do femdoms have sex with their subs? When I ask this, I am of course not considering the pro dommes. And my question is that, apart from “play”, how often do dommes engage in actual sex as most vanilla people think about it ie. the actual-cock-thrusting-into-the-vagina type? Including what may or may not be vanilla, (as the domme could very well be using him as a sex toy) AND just having missionary sex, how often,  from your experience, do you think dommes do that? How well do you like it, compared to “play” without any of it?

Thanks,

JustCurious

 

 

Dear JustCurious:

Basically you just asked: do we want to fuck our subs; does sex and play mix; and do we just do vanilla sometimes?

Yes, yes and yes!

To be precise,  femdoms have sex about as often as vanilla women do. And by that I mean penis-in-vagina, penis-in-mouth, penis-in-butt; fingers in all of those; and all the lesbian interpretations of that apply for the non-straight femdoms. Unlike in porn, which generally caters to the very specific fantasies of submissive men, femdoms are just normal folks with a fetish and a particular perspective on what we see as romantic. True we might like all sorts of BDSM related activities and get off on it, but femdoms are still women. Excepting an asexual minority, we have sexuality and all the needs that go with it.

For example, in my case, I could tell you that for me how often I have sex ranges from “every day” to “every few months” depending on if I have a regular partner and how high his libido is. I enjoy sex with Wildcard. It might be with all the kinky trappings or it might be a happy quickie at the end of the day.  Talking to other femdoms leads to a similar picture. Most of us have at least one special person that we like to make whoopee with, and we usually don’t find skipping some of the fetish trappings makes us feel less powerful.

I like penis-in-vagina sex. I still need clitoral stimulation to come, but my sexuality includes both the penis-in-vagina thing inside and outside of play. I would not be happy with a vanilla partner, but neither would I want to forgo anything but the explicitly kinky.

However, I can see why you wanted to ask. As you pointed out, both porn, and the standards of professionals have given us a very messed idea of what a normal femdom relationship looks like. For professionals, the extra risk involved in sex and the laws against sex work encourage the average dominatrix to make it abundantly clear that your penis goes nowhere near her vagina. In porn, producers generally try to pack as many activities into one video as possible. You will see sex, but it is always done in an over the top fashion so that even the slowest viewer can tell that this is very, very dominant.

Femdom porn also plays up how little the lady wants to do with her sub. Unlike femsub, where the first the the dom seems to do after hitting and tying her up is cram a dick in a hole (in the case of kink.com, tiresomely, almost always in an ass because anal is Le Edge). Nobody asks male doms if they are somehow losing power by having an orgasm. And prodom advertising will loudly bray about the clients never daring to let their willies out because ejaculation Must Never Occur, as least according to a reasonable amount of their client base. Hey, if your way of dodging deeply puritanical and invasive anti-sex work legislation is to erotically tell men not to have sex, who am I to throw stones?

But this means that when a newbie dom is setting out to have fun, she often hits the expectation that certain things are verbotten. She’ll encounter lots of sources telling her penetration is submission (that’s a pop culture thing, we can’t even blame porn for that one) or if she does want a dick, it better be by treating the guy like a human dildo. About once every three months some poor woman on a femdom forum will ask if she’s still allowed to give blow jobs.

Part of the whole reason (other than the art part and the attention) I write this blog is a reality check. So I’ll state this again:

So yes, femdoms have sex with their partners, whether those are switches, subs or some other identification. And I’m sure some of you will even weigh in, in the comments to confirm that.

 

Reader Letter: How Should My Femdom Act?

letter2This question comes the way of an unlucky fellow, who wrote to me to get some insight on how exactly he was supposed to expect a dominant woman he was dating to treat him. His first relationship made him feel like crap because of how inconsiderate dom #1 was, but dom #2 just doesn’t unilaterally take control all the time. And, he’s not sure what he even wants, so he’s not sure how to help her help him, or even if that’s backleading?

It’s a common question, so I’ll let him share it in his own words.

Dear Miss Pearl:

I have a few questions if you wouldn’t mind sharing some insight. In the past four years I have slowly come to realize i fall on the submissive side but I don’t really know what it is i desire most of the time. Be that sexually or just in general. My first real relationship was with a girl who decided i needed to be her “slave” and its left me vary confused and unsure of myself.

She said things like, “i’m going to break you for all other women”. I really didn’t understand what she meant at the time… Still kinda don’t 😐 … She often put me last on her list and didn’t listen to any of my input so now its difficult to speak freely even with that relationship being over. I’m not the average jerk without dedication so i truly put everything i had into the relationship but in the end i was just sucked dry for ever ounce of goodness in my heart. I get the feeling i was being used from the start but as a dedicated “submissive?” i just kept trying to give until i had nothing left for myself.

So my first question is, if you are overly submissive how do you protect yourself?

My second is in regards to teaching and learning: I’m dating a woman who seems to enjoy being in control, but she doesn’t know what to do and me being all kinds of confused, i don’t know how to explain what it is i wan’t or need in our dynamic. I may also be mistaken and she could just be a submissive as well trying to fit a mold. Which makes me wonder if its even possible for two submissive to function properly in a relationship? We both constantly give way to each other so something as simple as picking a movie or what to eat for dinner can turn into a “after you” match.

-Lost And Confused

Dear LaC:

It sounds like your first relationship was really toxic. Her dominance is not blanket permission for her to treat you poorly. A healthy D/s negotiates the particulars of the ‘mean’ things that happen in the relationship, for example name calling, hitting, demanding things, etc… Power exchange relationships are about two people agreeing to a dynamic that makes them both feel emotional and/or sexual warm and fuzzies.

Really, if you have lingering self doubts and damage, I suggest you talk it out with a therapist. You are in the exact same position as a vanilla person with a terrible, self esteem destroying partner. You deserve to feel good, and a healthy femdom relationship in real life looks a lot like what’s documented here than anything in porn.

Now about girl #2… It seems like your problem is that you are waiting around for a dom-in-a-box dynamic, where in your first relationship the woman just handed you what her vision of dominance was, so you expect/want the next girl to do the same. I’ve said this before, that the end goal of a submissive is to feel submissive and the end goal of a dominant is to feel dominant. Where the relationship thrives is where these two desires feed each other and how your behaviors compliment the other.

Passivity is NOT submission. It doesn’t mean you have to like passivity, but if she’s largely indifferent to the movie you watch tonight, that’s neither here nor there to if she feels dominant. It might not make you feel submissive (which is important to you, I will grant), but that is not by how dominance is measured.

The fact that you don’t know what you want seems like the bigger problem, because the issue you have is not whether she feels dominant. it’s getting your needs met. All is not lost, the answer to that is lots and lots of experimentation. Start small. Pretty much nobody launches into a 24/7 TPE (total power exchange) relationship from day one, and the ones that exist evolved slowly, from dating and play, and so on.

Being a submissive trying to communicate the desire to feel submissive adds an extra level of complexity, at least in so far as that most subs are now terrified of the dreaded ‘topping from the bottom’ lable, but also if you have to call the shots it can detract from the subby feeling. My best advice is that you need to take two things into account:

  1. What she wants might not actually involve stereotypical dominatrix type behaviors. For example in the nightly movie picking debate she might want you to pick it so she doesn’t have to think about little things. “I don’t want to think about this” is a luxury for many people, regardless of kinks.
  2. You should control in negotiated parameters (eg “for Tuesday for 3 hours I will obey any order within my limits, safewords notwithstanding”), and in fact expecting someone to unilaterally be all dom all the time without those negotiations is extremely unsafe. Nobody should just walk in and start bossing you around. Further more keep in mind “I want you to be dominant” is very vague instructions and not enough for any partner to go on by itself.

One last tip- the best thing you can do to completely undermine your dom is to tell her you don’t think she is *really* dominant, particularly because you aren’t feeling submissive. So when you work on getting your needs met, don’t sit around waiting for a real dom to make you do what you secretly want but don’t know yet. Work with your girlfriend and discover that magical place you both want.

That’s my advice- you guys want to weigh in, in the comments?

Femdom Problems: Being a Dominatrix VS Getting What You Want

I browse reddit when I’m bored, and this comment thread came up on /r/relationships from a user (reluctantmistress) with a pretty classic problem that happens more often than I’d like in femdom: the guy who can only understand his own needs, so a loving and indulgent woman who actually enjoys it gets overwhelmed with service topping to fit into his ideal dominatrix.

I met my boyfriend, Pat, when we were both in college. We were originally FWB, then realized that we wanted more. We started seeing each other seriously, and have lived together pretty happily for 3 years.

We are best friends. We can talk about anything with each other, and we have helped eachother through a lot of tough times. After we had been dating for a while, Pat confessed to me that he has always had a lot of kinky fetishes, and wanted to explore them. I agreed, because it seemed exciting and he was so happy about it. As we started exploring this stuff, I realized that I loved it too.

The thing is, though, that I really just like regular sex. Pat is very submissive, and even though I enjoy being dominant, it tires me out and doesn’t recharge me or give me as much pleasure as just regular, plain, PIV while gazing into each others’ eyes.

We have been doing 24/7 chastity for a while now (working up, making sure the cage fit, and being safe, obviously!) and it is so hard to be “Miss” during every intimate moment. Even if I unlock Pat, there still has to be a kink element, because if we go from kink to vanilla and vice versa, he gets depressed. We’ve also been getting more and more into RAK (risky types of kink) like scat, watersports, and cuckholding.

Things came to a turning point for me when I visited a bull and had sex with him. It was ok, nothing to write home about, but I just loved the fact that we were just having sex. I didn’t have to worry about picking nipples or saying the wrong dirty thing or whatever. I could just lose myself in the moment and be myself. I liked having this need met, but I want Pat to be the one to meet it. I guess I am just naturally monogamous.

We’ve talked about this for a long time, and have tried a lot of things. We’ve tried having different weeks or days where we’re kinky. It just made us both unsatisfied. I’m confused because I constantly feel like I am service topping – if things don’t follow a certain order or prescription, he gets depressed and shuts the scene down, which makes me feel like a failure and then wonder why I’m even doing this because it makes neither of us happy. Even if he isn’t in chastity, he is looking at porn on his phone. He admitted to me that when we have vanilla sex that he is imagining kinky stuff happening. That really broke me.

I don’t want to give up kink forever. I have my own kinks that I like, but when I try to intiate and I mess up the scene stops. I use kink to get Pat to do things like the dishes, or running with me, and he enjoys it, has even told me he prefers it to me nagging, but I just want him to do things without me putting on a show. I just want to top him my way, which sometimes means I’m in my pajamas. I don’t want to have to put on my sexy boots and use my sexy voice whenever I want him to pay attention to me.

I’m so sorry that this has turned into a rant. Anyway, any advice would be nice. We’re also involved in the local BDSM community, and gone to a lot of classes and workshops, and they have really helped our relationship but they haven’t addressed the big problem. I can’t really talk to any of our kinky friends because I’m ashamed of how I feel. People sometimes sh*t on vanilla people for being boring. I don’t want to be boring, I just want to be happy.

I’ve also talked with my therapist about this but she isn’t very knowledgeable about alternative lifestyles. I’m looking for a kink – friendly therapist or counsellor but I have no idea where to start.

tl;dr: My SO and I love eachother but our different sexual appetites are causing us to be unhappy. We want to fix this. What do we do?

See “Pat” find a loving, willing femdom. See Pat drive his relationship into the ground by treating her like a fetish dispensing machine. Pat, your girl is a super winner. I get that you have your fetishes, but you’re going to need to find a work around because right now you are trying to totally dominate that woman you call “Miss” harder than you’re even asking her to do to you. You need to stop that.

Poor OP. She’s even into it, but you’re wearing her down with this constant demanding. I mean really, now you demand kinky treats to do your house chores and just asking is “nagging”? Are you fucking kidding me? How is it that submission is your favourite thing ever, but anything that actually gives your Miss her way turns you into a sulky baby? Look, Pat, she will probably swear you are a great boyfriend and she’s probably right, but you are overwhelming her with your approach.

Think of it this way: I like sadism. I could torture a pretty man all day long. But there are limits of how to express things- I can’t torture someone 24/7 because that’s not safe or sensible or would probably lead to good emotional outcomes. RelectantMistress isn’t actually very relucuctant – she’s the very model of GGG (good, giving, game). However this is hitting against the thing other writers like Giles observed, the difference between letting someone have power and asking them to play out your dominatrix fantasy.

Okay, first it’s adult conversation time. Do you value your relationship? Good. You need to get your ass in gear and talk about that with her. I don’t know how she got the impression sex that wasn’t your fetish was boring, but mission number one is to take the focus off you and your locked cock and onto her- not because your fetishes are wrong, but because she matters too and her fetishes and interests are just as important as yours.

You, Pat are now going through the hardest orgasm denial of your life, the one where your cock absolutely belongs to her and not to you. No more porn and fantasy for now. You need to put as much effort into channelling your sexuality to please her as she’s been putting to please you. You love this woman, you know her intimately and you should have an idea what she likes.

I imagine that she’s put a lot of work into letting you know she finds your sexuality sexy, and that’s very comforting. However she’s set a good example about what love means, it’s time to reciprocate. True, how you perceive sex is filtered through your kinks, but you can at least make the effort- if she wants missionary sex without props and calling anything but her name, you can at least stretch to being her adoring fucktoy. Take some time to rediscover who she is. Practice that coo-ing romantic connection of sticky eyes, like when you first fell in love.

But on top of that, I want to talk about the house chores only being tolerable if dictated by Miss issue and the sulking if you don’t get kink. It’s really nice that she’s found a way to make boring adult responsibilities fun for you, but she shouldn’t have to nag you in the first place. Calling being reminded of something that needs doing, that you were failing to do ‘nagging’ is saying that neither her wants nor the task are relevant. Similarly, try to have a bit of quid-pro-quo empathy, imagine if every time you wanted kink she got depressed and moped and needed reassurance? I bet you’d feel pretty stifled. Being Miss is a fun thing for both of you, but the way you are subbing is turning this into a chore for her, not a joy.

Don’t blow it, Pat, give Miss what she actually wants, rather than what you feel like a dominant should want. Or she’ll eventually pull away to protect herself, after a great deal of crying and feeling sad and guilty and unloved, and you won’t have a Miss anymore.

I posted this here because I think this is relevant for all of us, and points to the fundamental problem in femdom as delivered by popular culture- we are rated at how well our kink pleases men, not by how it pleases us. This doesn’t make our partners bad people, but it is a common trap we can fall into. Femdom will never work as a major menu item unless her desires are part of the package and you cannot expect to get a lover who is all into your kinks how you like them only.

Reader Letter: New Femdom Tips

letter2This reader popped in with a quick couple of questions all focused around the perennial need for new femdom tips. every one of us were knew once, so I’ve taken the time to give some advice I wish I’d had over a decade ago. so, first, their letter:

Dear Miss Pearl:

I just discovered your blog and i love it! I was doing research on femdom and I have been down the rabbit hole since a month ago. I need your advice: I have just (virtually) conected with a guy via a popular dating website. He’s very cute and he seems to be very much into me (my curves). Anyways, while talking to him it came up that he loves being dominated by women, and he especially likes facesitting, verbal and physical humiliation, body worship, and scissoring. He has never acted on his fantasies. This was all new to me, but through online research I got very turned on at the idea of participating into something like this. How do I go on about it? How do I ensure that I am confident enough to carry out domination roles? I have some ideas, and I love teasing (both physically and psychologically) but I guess I need some real advice for newbies.

Newbie dom guides are a still an underserved subject, particularly for women.

Although a lot of good authors have given the kinky manual their best shot with things like “The New Topping Book”, as my reader astutely observed, there is a distinct lack of advice for new femdoms. Some efforts are made- The Mistress Manual is definitely your dominatrix DIY go to if you just want to fit the porn and professional archetype really well, but as a new female dominant who is not hanging out your shingle to work/just trying to keep someone else happy, the trick is striking the balance between your own fulfillment and feeling desired by your partner. So moving beyond how a stereotypical femdom acts:

The good and bad news is that there’s no one right way to do it. However, there’s a few general things that every new dom can use for starters:

1) It’s About You – Part of cultivating a version of dominance that makes you happy is finding the aspects and behaviors that work for you and eliminating the ones that do nothing. Generally a lot of guys have their own submissive fantasies, but some of the inertia has to come from what you get out of it- a good lover will generally be happiest if you are getting what you want too. Remember you make you a dom- you don’t get that way by following a script, whether supplied by stereotypes or your sub.

With that, you should think about the outcomes that make you happy. Whether its witnessing whimpering male cuteness/helpless lust, or the chuffed feeling of leading, you need to define what it means to you to feel dominant and use your partner’s help to achieve that state.

2) Slow and Steady – When you get started, pace yourself with a little bit at a time Talk about ideas you find sexy in the bedroom as dirty talk, try light bondage and less complicated things like a gentle spanking. You can always add more if you like it, but if you try to leap into instant Fetish Queen mode you may discover that focusing on getting it right kills the mood. It is not that I think that BDSM is a big scary thing that will end in explosions and police if you make one wrong move, its if you make your goals small you will feel more confident and thus come across as more dominant.

3) Trust Your Intuition, But Talk About It – Dominance is balancing what you find fun with what you know to be his limits. Trust your intuition, but have safewords and measures in place so you are comfortable pulling the plug if things go in the wrong direction. A good part of the work behind having successful kink scenes (kinky encounters, sexual or otherwise, basically) is reading your submissive partner’s reaction- look for vulnerable but hopeful body language as you “yaye!” and stiffening, looking awkward and so on as your early red flag. Learning to dominate someone is about drawing the response you want out of someone. Therefore trust and nurture your instincts when it comes to pulling back or pushing harder, but also don’t be afraid to discuss it after the fact.

4) Understand that Fantasy and Reality Are Not Perfect Mirrors – One of the biggest let downs people get from kink is going into it with the expectation that everything will work out like their imagination says it will. The reality is that we often fetishize things a bit too extreme to be sensible, or the sensations in our head aren’t a perfect match for the real thing and so on. When playing with noobs, have patience and discourage them from over committing. With your new guy, chances are a happy dom woman is Aphrodite herself ascending from the heavens and you make get a stage of Promise All The Things and Try All The Things. Feel free to pull rank and refer back to Slow and Steady as per advice #2.

5) Build From What Works –You both like tease and denial? Fabulous! That gives you a great foundation to build from, experimenting with something you both know is good for you. If you want to try adding new things, try combining aspects of your favourite activities with the new thing- for example if you want to try obedience games, try having him be teased until he promises you something and surrenders a forfeit. Although there is a time and place for “Honey, tonight we are going to try latex!”, its good to have a mix of tried and trues and well as novelties.

6) Don’t Let Being a Dom Box You In. There is no non-dominant sexual acts or feelings. It can be particularly tempting to try to play the part of the perfectly in control uber dom who knows no human attachment and hasn’t cracked a smile in the last century. Be you. You are the dom, and if that person is giggly, prone to crying easily, or likes penetrative intercourse or wearing kitty ears or whatever, doing things the way you like is more dominant than trying to be someone you aren’t.

Reader Letter: Embracing Femdom As A Beginner

So this question popped up in my fetlife feed, and with the original author’s permission I reprinted.

So, I have a lot if issues. I’m new to all this and really need a mentor in general. [To keep things short] I’m going to try my best to narrow things down and hopefully find some help that way. For one, I’m kind of shy. I like to get to know people before I’m comfortable enough to act “dommy” around them. And then I also like to take other people’s feelings and abilities into consideration. I guess you could call me a soft domme? But then all of that just causes issues for me, like people expect me to be a super dominatrix bitch right away, or they expect me to make all the rules and boss them around. What do I do with all this? How do I get over this shyness so people will actually take me seriously and not call me a fake all the bloody time? Then, if someone actually gets past that, I’m not sure what to do with them. They usually suggest that I give them tasks or whatever, but it’s always sexual, and I’m not interested in sex all that much. What I really like is the aspect of control. Anyway, in short, I don’t want my D/s relationships to revolve around sex. So what I can do? And what are some tasks that I can give them to do that aren’t as sexual? 19FDomme

Hi, 19FDomme!

Figuring out how to get what you want is a challenge at any age. Being a dom, especially a female one, means dealing with a whole bunch of expectations and stereotypes that may stand in your way. As you’ve probably already noticed, there’s a lot of expectations put on us to be “in role” from day 1 and develop some sort of persona rather than simply relaxing and being yourself. Part of finding satisfaction as a Dom is getting past what others want for you and discovering what you want. When it comes to diagnosing your problem, I want you to think about this sentence. You wrote: What I really like is the aspect of control. 

This is very reasonable and a huge part of dominance as a personal identity- it’s no wonder people trying to use you as a fetish dispensing machine are boring and frustrating you! A key part of dominance is the near addictive draw to that sensation of power. It might be benevolent and nurturing, or it might be sadistic, but it can also be one of the most challenging parts of getting your needs met.

The first thing to remember is that submissives are not interchangeable, so things not working out with one sub does not mean you are a bad dom or not a dom. Building a D/s dynamic is about finding someone you work well with, and no one relationship is a perfect copy of anyone else. This can feel frustrating, because you are probably bombarded with attention and loads of guys are promising they really want to submit, but most of them are just asking you to fill their fetish needs. Even if they are ready, eager and willing to try to make you happy, at this point, no knowing you, all they can offer is suggestions based on what they want and what porn tells them you want. This can make the whole thing seem not for you.

Unfortunately, beyond the problem of getting to know people well enough to actually serve them, rather than the abstract idea of a dom, inexperienced subs will also forget that doms are people too and may act pouty if they don’t get the fantasy they were expecting. Because of this, you may feel like you have to put on an aggressive, unapproachable persona with everyone you meet in order for possible play partners to take you seriously. Actually, you can consider not doing that your idiot filter- the ones who expect you to be Mistress WhippyBitch straight off the bat really don’t care who is dominating them- and have demonstrated they don’t want to take the time to get to know you.

Dominance is intimate, and it’s vulnerable. It involves being capable of being selfish, and admitting that you want things badly enough to have someone do it for you. Meanwhile, wanting to care about your sub’s needs and feelings doesn’t make you a weak dom, it makes you not a raving pyschopath. Pornography (and the marketing copy of professionals) gives the impression that dominants are unyielding bullies with zero empathy and a constant presence. It can be natural to be very shy about your dominance if you feel like you have to overcome that public perception! Any sub that calls you ‘fake’ for being who you are instead of their fantasy is not worth your time. That’s because being a dom is not about what their kinks mean to them, it’s about what your desires mean to you.

For most people, BDSM is sexual. I don’t know, in your case, whether for you it’s a psychological power trip, or you’re just not particularly promiscuous with your favours. Be that as it may, it’s okay to want to do things your way because it’s your sexuality/personality and that’s going to be constant even when you are single. While professionals excel at packaging femdom into a one size fits all approach, finding something that works for you is about finding your own kinks. You said get the most satisfaction from a sense of being in control- so if you want to build on that you need to develop what sort of control you want. Power can be about giving people things, or about denying them.

Here’s some very basic advice in that line:

1) Take the time to educate yourself about what is and isn’t okay regarding limits and safety advice. That way you will feel secure knowing how to keep your sub protected while being able to call out nonesense when you encounter it.

2) Confidence is born from being able to feel in control of yourself. I already talked about recognizing time wasters and learning to banish them. You should also decide what your standards are and commit yourself to being willing to cut people off who disappoint you – with reasonable expectations, subs being idiots to you will no longer feel like you failed and you’ll save your energy for the ones who are worth it. You can also know that you are going to be extremely desireable to your potential partner – good subs are worth their weight in gold to a dominant, but you don’t have to put up with “eh, close enough!”.

3) All that fetish stuff- the tying people up, etc… is about creating a feeling. You should only do it if it helps create the feeling you want to experience in you as well as in your partner. If it isn’t your kink and it doesn’t make you happy, you are not less dominant for saying no.

4) Do the leg work in your courtships because it lets you control for interactions more so than if you just sit in a chair waiting for subs to petition you. This may sound all awkward and weird, but start with a few positive comments and the mere fact that you made the effort will get them standing up to attention. On the other hand, don’t let people mistake passivity for submission- it’s okay for subs to get fulfillment out of your planning and aggression, but they should never make you feel like some sort of under paid manager and entertainer.

5) There is no such thing as a free lunch, so make sure that subs trying to ‘serve’ you are clearly understanding and expressing what they get out of it. A common route for wasting time is the service-for-fetish bargain a lot of people are offering. Service can be many things, but it’s supposed to be a tangible gesture of a sensation of subjugation or worship, not a work exchange.

6) Don’t express yourself sexually or socially the way you think dominants are supposed to want it- own what you want. If your personality is mousey and soft, don’t let other people force you to speak louder to be more dominant- make them stop and listen to your whisper.

7) Lastly, watch out for the hype- once one’s confidence is built up, it’s easy to buy into the idea the idea that dominance puts you above inputs from subs. Outside of a pre-agreed upon dynamic they are your equals and even then, don’t let yourself miss out on all the valuable guidance and feedback your partners have to offer.

Crazy Messages: Why Ronald Gill will never find a femdom

So a couple of weeks ago, I got another contender for the spot currently occupied by “Jeremy Smith”. For a little while I hesitated to publish this for a number of reasons. First of all, the challenge with getting crazy, entitled messages is that the people who send them probably know better already. As I’ve stated in my FAQ, abusive messages result in naming and shaming. I don’t feel particularly mean here- this isn’t doxing as the guy has m4femdom ads under several versions of this name or other names than Ronald Gill an easy Google search away. Plus, there’s a lot of advice oriented around not poking the crazy after it shows its true colours. And this guy decided what I really needed in my life was a rape threat.

Now as far as messages, Ron opened with yet another standard, relatively innocuous plea that I appear to be genuinely into this stuff, although he didn’t really provide any information about himself other then the field he worked in, and the sort of grammar structure that hints ESL, suggesting this was an international solicitation.  Basically just spam, since I’m not exactly hanging out a shingle saying ‘dominant for all”, but the sort of thing that happens because if you are apparently female that means that people think you want to be partnered with them with a little coaxing.

In so far as unsolicited come ons, I have a policy of declining people with an actual response, and if their approach is too far off the mark, telling them so. In Ron’s case I was mostly baffled why he thought I was interested and told him as much, querying why he thought I’d want a complete stranger in a geographically remote location.

Contact with him merely made him think he was being considered, and I learned he was under the impression that Wildcard and my Ex were the same person, that I had made Wildcard into my slave after a breakup. Ron was apparently all set to make the jump from Seattle to Canada based purely on my status as a female dominant. Now as a relationship progresses that might not be unhealthy goal for an LDR, but keep in mind this guy was anxiously waiting for  yes so he could file for a transfer at his job- before he new my real name or even whether or not I wasn’t  raving psychopath. But, he claimed, there just wasn’t anyone available in Seattle.

For anyone sensible, warning bells were already sounding when someone living in a major american city claims to have only met professionals and findoms. Not even “I’ve met many nice dominants, but they all seem to be in relationships/do not suit” but that this guy genuinely seems to think what he met was all there was, and his reading comprehension was just a little teensy bit off in ways that were very self serving.

Suffice to say, I turned him down, and then when he asked what was wrong with me, told him not to contact me again. To which he responded with this gem:

Hi Pearl,
Where do you live?  No, seriously, where?  Coz, I want to come and rape you you fuck faced ass holed slut..LOL.
Ron

At this point I would describe him as not so much unhinged, as having completely lost his doors and shutters, and possibly the roof to boot. The sad part is that this is not exactly abnormal behaviour from men receiving a no. You get used to the “fuck you, you’re ugly anyways” as your personal choice after being is taken as some sort of cruel and unsolicited judgement of their value as a person

But this is one of those cases where you know the guy is his own worst enemy. I don’t know how much of his public persona is a fabrication- he claims to be a doctor and/or working for a medical non-profit, but writes like he’s got a head injury. There’s a couple of years of scattered online dating profiles, all of the “plz dom me” kind, placing him in India, which suggests this is equally likely his wank account and he isn’t coming anywhere near any of the North American femdoms he’s hoping will be interested in him. But, I’m posting this primarily because it’s always been useful to me to know I’m not alone when someone is proving beyond a shadow of a doubt why they should never be alone with a woman.

Reader Letter: Psychological BDSM & 24/7 Submission

A reader recently wrote in to ask about 24/7 submission, psychologically intense BDSM and how they can go about finding a partner who is into that idea.

Do you have any advice for someone who’s looking to become a slave to a woman permanently? I’ve been reading stories for a while but I don’t have any experience actually finding someone who might be into these kinds of things, and even tho I’m seeming upfront right now I’m actually quite shy. 

You seem like you know a lot about the psychological aspects of femdom in addition to the fleshly pleasures, so I was hoping you might be able to give me some advice on how to find someone who’s interested in owning a slave completely, not casually like on some personals sites, but complete power exchange and total mind and body fuckery with no going back. 

I gather that you yourself have experience in such things, and so my heart is hoping that you’ll be able to help me. I understand if not tho, and either way, keep on writing the awesome stories.

🙂 (Look 24/7 Submission)

Hello Looking For 24/7 Submission:

Gee thanks! I’m always glad to hear from a fan!

247I’ve already written a lot of articles suggesting advice on how to find a female dominant in addition to my stories- but it sounds like what you’re looking for is advice on how to find a particular kind of relationship. I’ll see what I can do to help…

Read more

Reader Letter: More From Crazy Jeremy!

The guy who sent random hatemail last time appears to have become a regular fan- this time with thinly veiled rape and death threats from the comfortable anonymity of the internet, apparently after reading this scene wrap up:

(From “Jeremy Smith” or jeremysmith983@yahoo.com)

Subject line: What a cunt you are

Ever tried being on the receiving end of it as you say many domes do? Maybe you should be leashed just like the dog you are. Is the artists impression an accurate one? Even in a drawing, you’re better looking from the back.

Once again this poor foamy gentleman is deeply offended that I exist. By the way, that’s “Doms or Dommes” not “Domes”, Jeremy, but maybe it’s a challenge to type when your fingers are slippery with the mixture of drool, fecal matter and semen that seems to form the basis of your communication online. And yes, my dear little broccoli rot, I have have been on “the receiving end”. I know what I do feels like, in a wide capacity of what I get up to, and this is part of how I know my preferences. Also he appears greatly excited by the cartoon drawing of my ass.

Try encouraging Male Dom/female sub. Or are you one of those snotrags who tries to convey Male led D/s as domestic violence.

Why would a blog oriented around femdom focus on that? It would be like a baking blog talking about raw foods. Certainly I consider M/f a wider part of the community and you appear to be projecting some fairly serious psychological issues here. Did some social justice warrior femdom hurt your feelings some time back? It’s the second time he started whining about “Domestic Violence”. It also hints that he doesn’t read the blog and didn’t read my response last time.

As for [Your friend, who you topped with, with no identifying information, don’t worry, this creep is toothless]. The piece of shit isn’t a sick piece of shit with a name and “personality” like that? Consensual or not, the cunt is a sick piece of shit and I’D LOVE to give the whore a fucking good hiding.

Let me get this straight, you are bellowing incoherent profanity, advocating my rape and murder and implying you want to non-consensually beat women and somehow we’re the “sick” ones? Back to me now!

Why don’t sick shits like you ever get raped and murdered? Shouldn’t be a crime if it ever did to the likes of you filth.

Well, because there is such a thing like the rule of law. But more to the point you are clearly madder than a hatter and your humour value is rapidly diminishing as you go straight to advocating the death of your fellow humans. Which, you might be surprised, is actually illegal in most civilized corners of the world.

Does that club (or any other one you attend) cater to Male Dom/ female sub? Or are you just too scared and sexist to see or even acknowledge it. There’s plenty of outlets for it, both on the web and in real life, so F UCK YOU, YOU USELESS PIECE OF SHIT.

Yes, the club was a mixed gender party. People like yourself are not invited, and by this I mean obviously insane blithering morons. Also we see that the meat of his argument is repeated here, that he thinks my preference for femdom invalidates his for maledom. I’m pretty sure when he types out this screeds he feels deeply threatened and frightened that I will personally beat him.

But- Take That! I have been told that maledom exists! Evidently there are brave freedom fighterdoing errrmmm… just what I do but with more breast bondage/hitting and less cbt? Jeeze, Jeremy, I would have never figured that out without you!

Current evidence from other femdoms who’ve dealt with his screeching tirades, primarily through twitter but also in blog comments such as at Divorce Darling, is that his IP puts him somewhere in the UK, possibly Manchester. I’m pretty sure the language choices confirm that- he’s got that particular sort of mad British thing going on.

Obviously Jeremy Smith sounds like a pseudonym, but it’s largely irrelevant whether or not it is. He has one reason to exist and that’s to spray virtual spittle at female dominants, usually with cries of how unattractive they are (without having seen them) and the vaguely through to blantently misogynistic language of someone who is more desperately trying to hurt someone through any means possible and is trying everything to hope something sticks. According to Jeremy I am ugly, stupid and… he wishes I were a femsub.

One can infer from very much drive by comment/email behaviour that he’s not actually interested in conversing regarding his pet cause of messaging all the femdoms to shit in their inboxes. Often, in other people hate messages, he considers it a checkmate to ask if we’ve ever done this stuff as the victim, which is just confusing. Obviously the fact that there’s a guy so lost in his own madness that he thinks I need to have rape and murder wished on me (which from context he’s probably also wanking about) it’s kinda disturbing, but his ability to generate fear is hampered from his lack of specificity.

This one’s for you, Jeremy- take it way, Clever Pie!