18-35 Munch

Last Thursday was the 18-35 munch, an event that has exploded in size at this point, and now is pulling in quite the large group. We’re meeting in a larger bar now, and with our general scale I’m having to discourage older persons from attending.

We had a few old people slip in this time, and older gentleman get turned away, accusing me of being hostile when it’s his first munch ever- though there were a lot of folk of that age group so I’m not sure who of the older folk that was or even if the poor bastard was actually 34 and well weathered. The thing is, I don’t set out to make old people feel bad- the age limit is in place because gatherings of mostly 40+ aged people scare the 19 and 20 year olds away. And there are not so many options for the latter group. I’m not going to throw the 36 year olds out, but neither do I want this to turn into an all ages thing.

Especially sad, a lot of the older folk who sent me courtesy emails missed the point. Telling me that they liked younger people or looked young wasn’t really the subject for the limits- it’s not intended to be face control.

It’s an organization challenge. For one thing we’re pretty top heavy, with a big crowd, and everyone wanting something as cheap as possible, but with food and good mingling. A part of my fantasizes about saying screw it and not holding the event anymore, passing it onto someone else. And yet I might as well stick with it- it won’t organize itself.

State of the Dis-Union

destr_torsion_padlock1I took care of some tax paperwork that needed doing, and followed up with the Ex so he knew that as far as cofiling for 2012, the ball’s in his court again. Next month I’m turning 27. Perhaps for that reason I’m filled with a particular impatience, as if nothing is coming at the speed it should.

And yet, I took a pretty big leap in January, to correct something that was demonstrably not a large sign of maturity in my life up until that point. I broke off an almost six year relationship, expecting to abandon everything that didn’t fit into a taxi.  With my Ex, I’ve been particularly careful talking about it- his privacy deserves respect and nothing is worse than tirades about a person who cannot defend themselves.

Breaking up didn’t make me a happier person per-say, because I’ve always been particularly good at living inside my head, and from that point, manufacturing my own contentment. I think, to apply a lesson from that situation, the problem was not basic sexual incompatibility, because I was quite capable of finding him attractive.  It wasn’t ideological issues, though we didn’t see eye-to-eye on a lot of stuff, because I again, tend to have that space in my head that generally lets people I’m close to be people. It was a fundamental lack of respect that was eventually starting to go both ways that was making it bad for both of us.

Again, I think I’m on pretty dubious grounds as far as telling the whole wide web, though I’ve also talked intimately of my sexuality in other posts so… I’ll try to stick to talking about me and not him.

A lot of people seem to think that being a D-type makes you magically able to pilot relationships  to the point that a few lonely-and-delusional sub types will chime in about how you just need to put glue in the lock of the chastity cage and everything will come up roses, and yet I think this sort of problem is something that could happen to anyone, kinky or not.

Things I took into the relationship, that were pretty important, is being a survivor of child abuse, and being part of the addict-and-enabler song and dance. A lot of people have gone through what I did (there’s no apparent correlation between being kinky and childhood abuse survival) and it grinds a pattern into you that is so familiar and reliable that I can meet someone from the same weird world and just about close my eyes and run my fingers, blind, through the maze they’ve got embossed on their psyche. What does that have to do with my Ex? Learned helplessness is a bitch.

In the oddest way, kink did kill our relationship. Not basic sexual incompatibility  but some older person on fetlife advising me that as I aged I would understand all those “[Sigh!]… whatever!” things women are supposed to give in response to their male partners. I find the idea horrifying. And, one of the prices of staying with the ex would have been fundamental acceptance that I would never be listened to, in any particular capacity- I’d rather be a crazy cat lady than resigned.

But independence is pretty amazing. I like having my own apartment. It needs work, but even the relative lack of resources that came as a trade off of not being in a shared household… does not seriously impact my quality of life. I have noticed that I am being treated like I am more attractive, which generally tends to go with being on the lighter end of my weight fluctuations and is a definite thing. People are shallow. Then again, I’m not living as much inside my head as it was, so that’s a positive trade off.

I engage in lots of little projects, as is my habit. Honestly, it keeps me occupied. Each month brings some small improvement. Not bad for someone who was sleeping on a pile of laundry mid January! This week’s extravagance will hopefully be updating my bedding, at least to get a nice duvet cover that doesn’t have the general texture of sandpaper.

And on the flip side, I’m enjoying the challenges of my job. Hilariously, my boss wants me to temper my “direct” communication style, which means code switching to utterly fake corporate cheerleader in all external emails. This is not challenging for me, but if I actually believes in True Dominance (TM) I’d claim it was my nature shining through.

Instead, insincere exclamation points.


This is generic stock art. No idea where it started out.

Catamite Pt. 22

The large hall of the shooting range was empty except for six people, giving it an eerie ghost town calm. It was one of the places where Landfall taste was at war with the practicalities: no carved wood and patterned wallpaper, just dull, unreflective ricochet tile on every surface, swallowing every sound, before it could reverberate. The range was lit by bright beaming, ugly shatter proof lighting. By size alone, the room should have been echoing and instead it was stifling, and everyone looked grey skinned and more strained than they were.

They’d left the exclusive residential district of the Harrington townhouse and gone to one of the new but respectable suburbs of the city.  Phillip had found he was half dozing, carrying the damage to his body quietly, sitting on the floor or the car. Annette stroked his head distractedly and her two closest guards stayed alert in their seats, expectant. He felt slightly feverish and very tired.

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Profile (And Approach): Part 2, Writing About Yourself

This is part 2 on my advice for how to make your profile sell yourself effectively. Last time we talked about choosing the perfect profile picture, and so now you can be confident you have the visual side of your search taken care of. But what about the text part?

Your Profile Text Opens a Conversation

Many websites, from fetife to collarme allow you to have some personal space to talk about yourself. If you’re not a big writer, this part is particularly daunting. Nonetheless, it’s a great way to intrigue people with what sort of person you are. And, when crafting your profile there’s a few things to take into account that will maximize positive results.

Avoid the Negative

One of the most common dating  methods people use to check for the stability of the person is how bitter or negative they seem. Thus profiles like “Are there any good women out there?!” or “No fakes, time wasters or crazies!”, rather than warning people away, make them feel like you’re surrounded by a dark cloud of drama. People who are ghastly don’t think they are ghastly, and it won’t protect you.

Do not make a big deal about your negative qualities either. Even if you think you’re ugly or unattractive, let other people be the judge of that. Your adult acne is another person’s “rugged, rough good looks and ruddy complexion”, your lack of experience with sex is another person’s “touching and enthusiastic innocence”.

If you need to qualify something you don’t want, try to phrase it in a positive way. For example if you don’t want to be involved with pro-work, avoid angry tirades. A simple “I prefer my D/s to be part of a romantic relationship, not a financial relationship.” gets your point across best.

Describe Yourself, Not Someone Else

Another common mistake people make, both in kink and vanilla dating, is spending more time telling people what they’re looking for and not enough time talking about who or what they are. This would be as if you  applied for work at a company by describing the company to them instead of sharing your resume.

So “I’m looking for a cruel, strict dom with ebony hair and crimson lips” or “I want a male submissive who is slightly chubby and into puppy play” does not help. People who meet that description have no reason to know that they would be attracted to you. Furthermore people who meet these characteristics may not recognize that they have them or will be worried you are only interested in them because of those factors.

It’s okay to mention the types of relationships you like, but they should be showing who you are as a person in relation to that. And remember, you are not your fetishes, they are a a part of you.

Talk About More Than Sex (or Love)

Even if you want a quick lay or a relationship based on sex, letting your personality shine out is part of what makes you attractive. And it can seem tempting to talk only about the sort of relationship you want, it’s rather as bad as talking only about the sort of person you want.

Everyone has at least one good feature and beauty standards are so flexible that there are positive words for even things that are out of fashion right now. Hot people are often hot because of how they present themselves, not just a nice face or figure. And extroverts and introverts are just as attractive to the right person.

Things to think about:

  1. Are you more passive or active in daily life? Shy? Out going?
  2. Is your sense of humour mean or sweet? Do you like cute things? Are you sentimental?
  3. Realistically, what are your hobbies?
  4. Is this a bedroom or a lifestyle thing for you, ideally?

Talking about what you want, as far as fetishes, can be a particular challenge. You don’t want a laundry list of kinks, but if you’re trying to date kinkily, you probably want at least touch on them. However every couple (triad, etc…) has their own particulars so remember, the relationship you get will probably compromise and touch on some fetishes you have in common and some you don’t. You should also lead with your personality  hobbies and tastes in vanilla things first, kinks second. A lot of stuff that people would never normally consider is sexy with the right person.

Consider the Value of Shibboleths

A shibboleth is a marker of group membership, often arbitrary. We have a lot of inbuilt assumptions about certain characteristics. Dating websites like OKcupid let users tag themselves with hobbies and interests. Their data shows that this can have a powerful effect in initiating conversation. For example, atheists tend to glom onto each other.

When you create a profile, you should seed a few topics you are passionate about enough to have fun talking about them. More strategically, if you have interests that are particularly appealing to the types of person you are interested in, it’s worth emphasizing those. For example I like nerdy males, and it is to my advantage to signal heavily that not only will I tolerate your gaming night, but I’m liable to be the face behind the DM screen. (Yes I am nerdy!)

Format to Be Readable

Avoid wRiTiNG liek tis. Fetlife doesn’t let you get too out of control, but other websites let you choose other colours and fonts. Do not indulge too much in wild changes of colour or eye bleeding contrasts and text effects. Furthermore a quick once over can’t hurt you any and avoid typos that make you sound less intelligent that you are.

This is hardly and exhaustive look at profile writing, but it’s a good leaping off place for you.  In another post I’m going to give you some profile writing prompts to help inspire you about what to talk about.