Profile (And Approach): Part 2, Writing About Yourself

This is part 2 on my advice for how to make your profile sell yourself effectively. Last time we talked about choosing the perfect profile picture, and so now you can be confident you have the visual side of your search taken care of. But what about the text part?

Your Profile Text Opens a Conversation

Many websites, from fetife to collarme allow you to have some personal space to talk about yourself. If you’re not a big writer, this part is particularly daunting. Nonetheless, it’s a great way to intrigue people with what sort of person you are. And, when crafting your profile there’s a few things to take into account that will maximize positive results.

Avoid the Negative

One of the most common dating  methods people use to check for the stability of the person is how bitter or negative they seem. Thus profiles like “Are there any good women out there?!” or “No fakes, time wasters or crazies!”, rather than warning people away, make them feel like you’re surrounded by a dark cloud of drama. People who are ghastly don’t think they are ghastly, and it won’t protect you.

Do not make a big deal about your negative qualities either. Even if you think you’re ugly or unattractive, let other people be the judge of that. Your adult acne is another person’s “rugged, rough good looks and ruddy complexion”, your lack of experience with sex is another person’s “touching and enthusiastic innocence”.

If you need to qualify something you don’t want, try to phrase it in a positive way. For example if you don’t want to be involved with pro-work, avoid angry tirades. A simple “I prefer my D/s to be part of a romantic relationship, not a financial relationship.” gets your point across best.

Describe Yourself, Not Someone Else

Another common mistake people make, both in kink and vanilla dating, is spending more time telling people what they’re looking for and not enough time talking about who or what they are. This would be as if you  applied for work at a company by describing the company to them instead of sharing your resume.

So “I’m looking for a cruel, strict dom with ebony hair and crimson lips” or “I want a male submissive who is slightly chubby and into puppy play” does not help. People who meet that description have no reason to know that they would be attracted to you. Furthermore people who meet these characteristics may not recognize that they have them or will be worried you are only interested in them because of those factors.

It’s okay to mention the types of relationships you like, but they should be showing who you are as a person in relation to that. And remember, you are not your fetishes, they are a a part of you.

Talk About More Than Sex (or Love)

Even if you want a quick lay or a relationship based on sex, letting your personality shine out is part of what makes you attractive. And it can seem tempting to talk only about the sort of relationship you want, it’s rather as bad as talking only about the sort of person you want.

Everyone has at least one good feature and beauty standards are so flexible that there are positive words for even things that are out of fashion right now. Hot people are often hot because of how they present themselves, not just a nice face or figure. And extroverts and introverts are just as attractive to the right person.

Things to think about:

  1. Are you more passive or active in daily life? Shy? Out going?
  2. Is your sense of humour mean or sweet? Do you like cute things? Are you sentimental?
  3. Realistically, what are your hobbies?
  4. Is this a bedroom or a lifestyle thing for you, ideally?

Talking about what you want, as far as fetishes, can be a particular challenge. You don’t want a laundry list of kinks, but if you’re trying to date kinkily, you probably want at least touch on them. However every couple (triad, etc…) has their own particulars so remember, the relationship you get will probably compromise and touch on some fetishes you have in common and some you don’t. You should also lead with your personality  hobbies and tastes in vanilla things first, kinks second. A lot of stuff that people would never normally consider is sexy with the right person.

Consider the Value of Shibboleths

A shibboleth is a marker of group membership, often arbitrary. We have a lot of inbuilt assumptions about certain characteristics. Dating websites like OKcupid let users tag themselves with hobbies and interests. Their data shows that this can have a powerful effect in initiating conversation. For example, atheists tend to glom onto each other.

When you create a profile, you should seed a few topics you are passionate about enough to have fun talking about them. More strategically, if you have interests that are particularly appealing to the types of person you are interested in, it’s worth emphasizing those. For example I like nerdy males, and it is to my advantage to signal heavily that not only will I tolerate your gaming night, but I’m liable to be the face behind the DM screen. (Yes I am nerdy!)

Format to Be Readable

Avoid wRiTiNG liek tis. Fetlife doesn’t let you get too out of control, but other websites let you choose other colours and fonts. Do not indulge too much in wild changes of colour or eye bleeding contrasts and text effects. Furthermore a quick once over can’t hurt you any and avoid typos that make you sound less intelligent that you are.

This is hardly and exhaustive look at profile writing, but it’s a good leaping off place for you.  In another post I’m going to give you some profile writing prompts to help inspire you about what to talk about.