30 Days of Kink: The Penultimate Post

30 Days of Kink (in this case several days crammed into a post ‘cuz this isn’t tumblr) is drawing to a close. The last challenge is to pick your own topic, but this time they asked another question about my identity.

Day 28: How do you dress for kink/BDSM play?  What significance does your attire have to you?

99% of my “play” is a slightly kinked up version couple sex where I give him a hand job, and I’m wearing nothing, or whatever lounge wear I’d like. in a better organized world I’d be in scintillating lingerie, but sex tends to have a very broad unscheduled aspect. Particularly to Wildcard, who requires a certain degree of spontaneous, where Punish Tuesdays are as planned as it gets.

I like looking sexually desirable. I buy nice panties and stockings. I have a whole wardrobe of cocktail dresses and cheap heels, the latter the kind that cost less than $25 at chain stores which also sell hair clips to teenage girls and six packs of earrings. I like attention, assuming its polite and makes me feel like I’m in control. I find the constriction of corseting pleasant.

My female protagonists are fussy dressers, and I myself don’t like blindly throwing clothes onto my body. I see clothes as a visual medium for communication and like having the ability to express myself exactly how I want.

As far as the “Mistress” look, I’m more likely to throw together a feigned fetish costume than go all out- pleather booty shorts from another cheap mall chain that does a lot of club wear, bikini top from AA, knee high boots from that selfsame cheap accessory store. That’s about as far as it gets- I don’t own any latex or full leather- the cost being astronomical. Of course, given my druthers and infinite budget I’d probably aim more for dread Empress than dominatrix.

Day 29: Do you have a BDSM title (e.g. mistress, master, slut, pig, whore, princess, goddess, ma’am, sir)?  What is your opinion of the use of titles in general?

MISS! My title is something I like, but you are no obligation to use it unless we have a consenting BDSM dynamic. Pearl is fine otherwise, or Miss Pearl for branding recognition purposes. If I know you in real life I’m happy with my real name.

Asking I call you a title when I’m not in a dynamic with you is a little odd. That being said I get a little thrill from overly formal fussiness and I generally don’t think about someone whose handle is LordButt being called Lord and not just Butt. However I’m weirded out if SlaveButt insists he has to call me and all the other women Mistress or something, even if his dom told him to.

For my last post, I’m opening myself up to questions you are curious about and want answers to. So, folks, what’ll it be?

30 Day of Kink: BDSM Fantasy VS Real Life

30 Days of Kink Continues, as the blogging exercise draws to a close!

These aren’t questions that I think that deserve their own blog post, but as this exercise is almost done I thought I’d wrap them all up in one shot.

Day 25: How open are you about your kinks?

Pretty open actually, allowing for good taste. I don’t consider my kinks particularly unusual, and for my immediate social group, they aren’t.

I generally see there being a separation between general interests and details. Knowing I’m active in the BDSM scene is a volunteering sexual health thingee. Knowing the particulars of my sex life is not something anyone who is not actively seeking it out (blog readers) or involved in my sex life needs to know. So my vanilla friend might know I’m a community organizer and my parents might know I publish saucy books- but I’m not going to offer my employer a review copy and when I need to make it clear I’m not available some night at work I’m vague about my volunteering.

I think I’m able to be unusually open with my family because both parents can’t keep their mouths shut. Needless to say I don’t think the apple falls far from the tree.

I think that leash play in front of the vanillas runs the range of playful to obnoxious, and the line you need to draw is whether you are dragging random people into your dynamic or whether you are just being silly happy romantic people.

Day 26: What’s your opinion on online BDSM play?

Cybersex is a lot of fun, and one of my favourite activities. Beyond that, since BDSM is an emotional/social thing, I don’t see it as being a bad thing. I do think that online relationships let many people gloss over an idealize things, but sometimes, like pornography, there’s a time and place for everything.

Obviously typing about whipping is not the same as really whipping people, so online play will never build your technical skills, but I wouldn’t be half the pornographer I am now without all the hours of naughty chats of my misspent youth. And on the flip side, online make believe lets us play out things that would neither be safe nor sensible.

Day 27: Do your non-kink interests ever find their way into your kinky activities? If so, how?

Define kinky activities vs non-kinked ones. If you mean this blog, yep, I might bring feminism into it or whatever. And my caretaking streak transcends my sexuality as well as suffuses it. And my particular sort of dramatic romantic fantasies certainly color what I perceive of as being a good idea. I also might use kink to “force” a partner into doing something good for them.

30 Days of Kink: BDSM Relationships?

Day 22: What do you think is important in keeping a BDSM relationship healthy?  How does it differ from a vanilla relationship?

Although ‘vanilla’ relationships are already hampered by problems like differing base expectations, kinky relationships don’t even have the weight of cultural tradition to turn to. Pretty much all the established tropes and cliches in BDSM are both incredibly regional and incredibly fuzzy in their precise meaning. What, for example, does a collar mean, anyway?

I think BDSM relationships are particularly guilty of escalating quickly and are more likely to fall under the influence of an unhealthy scarcity mentality. There’s a joke about lesbians moving in together on the first date that applies here– and as well as over commitment, lot of people seem to enter into kinky relationships with stronger expectations than normal. Kink forums reflect the result in an endless stream of questions about why it isn’t working, where the problems are generally just that both people never really looked beyond the fact that they shared roughly similar fantasies.

On the other hand, if you’re kinked in vanilla land, you may have compromised on your sexuality and decided getting your way just wasn’t that important to you or perfection just didn’t . For me, a guy who actually gets me going properly is such a rare bird that he’s liable to get the full weight of my attention. I worry about labels later.

And the meat-and-potatoes (or legume and potatoes for vegetarians) is going to be those day to day things. I don’t subscribe to the idea that BDSM takes extra, extra communication or something- all relationships succeed and fail on respect and gloopy brain chemistry. My sex is no more or less fancy than anyone else’s. There’s so many ways to do vanilla properly its hubris to expect only my sex life takes additional instruction.

Day 23: Since you first developed an interest in kink, have your interests/perspectives changed?  How so?

Well, I discovered I was a femdom! I mean, I always knew I was kinked, but trying to put a finger on the role that felt most comfortable has always been challenging. Is it bad to say I don’t think I evolved much from my starting place? My approach to relationships have gotten more mature, but that’s more a thing about self esteem that would apply even if I was a trigendered otherkin leopard or vanilla as cheap soft serve.

BDSM relationships, I admit, are always something that I think have to come secondary to human relationships. For example a gay couple are humans first and gay second. On the fetish front, I don’t think I’ve been particularly inconsistent- but as I’ve talked about the inherent challenges of femdom identity VS femdom stereotype extensively elsewhere, suffice to say my primary evolution is just ruling out things I’ve tried that I don’t like- but this in no way has meant I’ve run out of new things to try or old things to try in new ways.

Day 24: What qualities do you look for in a partner?

Playfulness and open minded- strong communication skills. Being flippant, I like my men sensitive, nerdy and needy, but I have a preference for ‘wound’. In a world of people drooling over Captain Jack Sparrow I’m more of a Norrington person. I also tend to like my men on the switch-y side, and like 99% of dominant women seem to, the mating call of “I’m the MOST pathetic!” does not do anything for me. Ironically I find a guy’s need to get into your head for counter insurgency more attentive than a guy delivering up ready-to-serve fantasies.

Physically, I like a lean build, longer limbs and consumptive poet-esque aesthetics. However I’m more likely to over look the physical for good intellectual chemistry. Cybersex is one of the quickest ways to dampen my knickers. One of the social characteristics that most attracts me to a guy is homeliness- a certain ability to make things feel like a proper nest. Guys who cook and understand the need to be comfortable gel well.

With Wildcard, one of the things I particularly like is how seriously he takes me. It goes beyond submission, and into considering even my foibles and particulars interesting and important.

If my tastes have a flaw, its that I like to tidy and improve a man’s life. This is mostly an outlet for my controlling streak and I’d never pretend otherwise.

30 Days of Kink: Happy and Curious!

30 days of kink is almost finished up, especially with me cramming multiple days in a go. Thankfully, after several days asking me to whine, these few days are all about good things and stuff I like again.

Day 19: Any unexpected ways kink has improved your life?  If so, what are they?

Uh, unexpected? I guess the BDSM scene gives me a chance to practice being in an organizational role, based on the whole munch thing, so there’s that…

I don’t think kink adds anything to my life that wasn’t already there- if I had vanilla sexuality I’d probably be just as invested volunteering related to that. I guess I will have to admit if I wasn’t so darn reliant on text RP for titillation as a teenager, I’d never have developed my writing ability? But I’m not a person who takes BDSM very seriously as a self identity and this informs how much it’ll effect other parts of my life.

Day 20:  Talk about something within kink/bdsm that you’re curious about/don’t understand.

I’m curious why femdom and maledom end up looking so radically different a lot of the time in porn, when in practice the gender of the dominant is way less crucial to the packaging than the fetish selection might imply. I mean other than “the Patriarchy”, which seems disappointing.

Day 21: Favorite BDSM related book (fiction or non-fiction)

Gosh, that’s a tough one. I’ve already demonstrated a certain degree of cynicism regarding the mainstream stuff aimed at femdom- eg my review of The Mistress Manual. I like some fiction, but BDSM as a setting can only go so far, especially when I’m firmly into being an evil fetishist but I like character depth and not snuff. For example the Little Submissions guy gets it right, but all his stuff are vignettes.

Tanith Lee is my secret teenage femdom mentor- her fiction is what YA budding dominant women should read for self indulgent but delightful purple prose and characters that reflect a lot of different ways to be dominant while still being painfully young and human.

30 Days of Kink: The Things That Make Us Grumpy

30 days of kink continues with a composition of days 16, 17 and 18, a chance to talk about the things that irratate, offend or are just plain irksome. And you know I like to grumble!

Day 16: What are the most difficult aspects of having a sexuality that involves kink or BDSM for you personally?

The hardest part of all this is that there are very few people who actually want to do what I like to do on any sort of consistent basis and all of us are very particular about how we want to do it, and not necessarily very consistent.

It’s not hard to find people who are into D/s. It is, however, hard to find someone who suits your particular interpretation- and one of the hard lessons you learn, early on, is that not all doms and subs are remotely compatible.

Day 17: What misconception about kinky people would you most like to clear up?

The thing that most drives me up the wall is the number of people who think BDSM is beyond the law or even normal relationship rules. The amount of nonsense passed off as “because we’re kinky!” by people experimenting with this for the first time beggars belief.

Obviously the people who think kinky people are all damaged or monsters are frustrating, but the self inflicted innocence also gives room to all sorts of dangerous behaviour, from failing to screen your relationships properly, as in the case of people who do what any dom says, or people who feel that criminal events are a private matter and decline to involve the police where they should.

But beyond that, it also means people with unrealistic expectations for ‘perfect’ subs with no other commitments, wealthy dominants who never crack and don’t usually love their sub and people who wear fetish clothing all the time because you can’t be kinky without it.

Day 18: Any kinky/BDSM pet peeves?  If so, what are they?

People who assume M/f is more natural than F/m. People who deny switches exist or see them as substandard. People who try to force a D/s dynamic or relate to you only in terms of your kink role. People who treat kink like it’s the better form of vanilla or that kinky folk are smarter and more adventurous, or less discriminatory. People who demand femdoms of all stripes act like professionals. People who bitch about all the unattractive people into kink. Really, anyone who can’t separate fantasy from reality.

30 Days Of Kink: The Whys, The Whats and the Maybes

Day 13: Explain as best you can what the appeal of kink/BDSM is to you?  Why are you drawn to what you’re drawn to?

It’s my sexuality, and I find myself repeating this a lot. That being said, kink-as-a-set-of-expectations provides a codified structure to try to qualify and quantify and abstract emotional concept and a bunch of loosely connected fetishes. Human sexuality is squishy and determinded by the individual- this is a way of trying to characterize it so I can talk about what gets me off with other people.

As for the whys- if I knew I’d be an award winning, possibly noble prize worthy discoveries for achievements in psychology and human motivation studies. There’s lots of theories, some of them absurd (my favourite stupid idea being that spanking is just some sort of pre-species throw back for red behinds). I still go with the idea that human sexuality depends heavily on whatever symbols and social patterns that gelled with us whether you are ostensibly vanilla or kinked, and there really isn’t a ‘normal’ that people are born with that is perverted, just infinite shades of perversion.

Day 14: How would you say real life BDSM/kink varies from fantasy BDSM/kink?  If you haven’t experienced real life BDSM/kink how do you think it might differ?

Fantasy kink tends not to take real life into consideration, while amping up the petty and awesome as high as they go. Thus in fantasy, all the doms are super competent, all the subs complacent into the role, or if unwilling, unwilling in a way that is not simply truculent. Everyone is gorgeous and wealthy- typically old money or steeped in whatever the writer considers markers of high class. Everyone does whatever the person likes best as a normal thing, say if there thing is cuckolding and latex, hotwives and body condoms are what femdom is.

This sets up unrealistic expectations of good looks and easy dynamics that I’ve never seen happen in practice, with kink parties not being stocked with model hot millionaires. Meanwhile kink activities and needs, are, as I mentioned, much more about what a bunch of individuals are trying to do in a barely functional consensus.

Beyond that, probably the biggest fantasy/reality conflict is the expectation that just being whatever you are will cause what you want to happen. The inherent vulnerability of having to ask someone to submit to you is routinely glossed over- stories giving you things like infinite amounts of money or a pre-existing position of power over the sub, or just the fictional magic dom aura sucking in subs through their desire.

Day 15: Post a BDSM/kink activity you’re curious about and would like to try.

I’d like to try a more prolonged D/s dynamic, and I’d like to explore service a bit more, the latter as a matter of personal development and exploration.

Although Strong and I did owner/property in a way that was technically 24/7, distance and practicality put limits on things. Meanwhile most of my other experience is scene only. I’ve also never found a service oriented person I clicked with- it all felt like too much and too overwhelming to my personal boundaries.

I’m not sure how realistic a prolonged power thingy is. Wildcard and I have been glommed onto each other for a bit shy of a year, and formally hooked up only since January. One of the things I learned with Strong is that it’s hard to try to run a lot of things concurrently in the same dynamic- we flamed bright, but burned out fast and it didn’t survive having to accommodate being human.

Meanwhile as far as prolonged power experiments, I can’t say it’s gone as well as I’d like- the Ex constantly attempted to delegate personal responsibility for various things onto me, for example trying to give me control over his diet so he’d stop binging unhealthily or motivating him to exercise. This would last for about a day before he’d decide he didn’t actually care or want it. I’m going to chalk Strong and I’d thing up to one of those deeply meaningful short term things that wasn’t built to last.

But, as I mentioned, in fantasy, dominance is supposed to basically work like mind control and bring about exactly the results I want to achieve, and somehow make them fit well for the sub. In real life, humans are crap at habits and rules. What I can do is always deeply effected by what my partner can consent and conceivably do, and that’s a big part of the secret vulnerability of dominance. You say ‘Do X’ and it doesn’t happen.

With Wildcard, what we do together is also strongly influenced by his self exploration. Up until recently much of this was confined to the realm of improbable fantasy for him. Like many people he’d assumed that dominant women were so scarce that meeting one was a lottery win on its own.. This has meant a very odd scenario where I am both in a position of power in so far as my position of guidance, but also restraint, since realistically it’s hard to consent to big things when you are learning your limits. So what we’ve done in the direction of more prolonged dynamics is developing rituals and habits- Tuesday “Punishment” is certainly doing a wonderful job. That sense of constancy is definitely something that works for me.

He’s been a pretty good sport for someone who spends a lot of time exploring the upper edges of their comfort zone- and I’d have to describe myself at impressed with his courage about a lot of this stuff. Especially the really hard, ego destroying stuff where you have to admit you’re not up to doing what you actually kinda want. Add a sincere desire to make me happy and I really couldn’t ask for a better person to try to muck about with.

But on the side of my limits, I don’t know when or how I’ll experiment with the service thing and that’s definitely me baggage. For example one of the biggest barriers to enjoying service is the sensation of helplessness at having other people do stuff for me. I also don’t like the controlled, free lunch approach a lot of service subs take- I think this is more me being gunshy than them necessarily being wrong- but, it occurs to me that at this juncture in my life I’m feeling a little more comfortable with ordering someone to do for me.

30 days of kink: Hard limits, ethics and funny stuff.

30 days of kink continues with a bunch of unrelated questions- from super serious limits to funny anecdotes.

Day 10: What are your hard limits?

I don’t want to permanently harm anyone. I also don’t want to involve poo, children or animals. I also don’t want to be outed or out anyone, which limits the possible blackmail scenarios I’m comfortable with. I also prefer to play with a safeword and breaking the law is not my idea of fun.

When I’m on the receiving end of stuff I’m extremely, ridiculously picky- like one of the reasons I know that the ‘submissive’ label doesn’t fit is that the experience is very much about what I want. I don’t like punishment dynamics used on me, or involving other people beyond a very passive audience- like I don’t mind people getting off on it, but being vulnerable to people and their judgement makes me uncomfortable in a not sexy way.

For example, I like the sensations of impact play and have a reasonably high pain thresh hold, but while playing with Wildcard where there was an audience (camming) he was joking with them about me being a bad girl, etc and I basically went into full on GTFO dom mode. In the end, I think he found my reaction, which was pretty icy and calmly pissed off, more distressing than I found the experience.

Due to past bad mojo, I can’t masturbate and have someone fondle me from my right side. I’m also slightly jumpy about being touched from behind, even though that’s a major source of sexual stimulation for me. I’m usually okay about that, but a few days ago I was washing my hair in the bathtub and got caught but surprise to a grope and got all weirdly freaked out.

Day 11: What are your views on the ethics of kink?

I find this one comes up a lot for people who feel guilty or believe that subs/bottoms don’t really want what they want. I think there is a lot of ethical stuff to unpack and examine within kink, such as Dommism, but I don’t see the ethics of kinky sex as being too deviant from what people consider vanilla. Heheh, deviant.

For me, one of the challenges is that I function under a preference for enthusiastic consent (as it should be) but fetishize non-con. In theory one would just ask your partners to talk about and describe their desires, but I’ve discovered a lot of people don’t have the vocabulary to do that- or they don’t make that sort of separation of role. In hindsight some of the challenges with Strong is that he wanted to be forced without being able to tell me he wanted it. Obviously this meant where he would start talking about limits I would back off- because I don’t like having to second guess my partners.

Day 12: Tell us about a humorous BDSM/kink experience you’ve had.  If you haven’t had one, talk about aspects of kink/BDSM you find funny.

Well, there was the time after an orgy I was helping people pack up, and being on sextoy washing duty I stuck a large purple suction cup dildo to the wall at eye level and they nearly forgot it there for the hotel staff.

Or the time that I was using a fly swatter on someone’s ass and got them in the nuts by accident, or the time my endorphin addled friend thanked someone “for the soft caning”, resulting in a much harder session than the top had initially planned.

30 days of kink: days 6, 7, 8 & 9 Media sharing time!

30 days of kink continues with a look at some of the things that inspire us- fantasies, toys, pictures and songs.

Day 6: Describe your weirdest/most interesting sexual fantasy.

I wish I had something and interesting and illustrative as Dumb Domme’s conveyor belt. Possibly for me the fantasies of being a man raping another man, rare though they were, would be the oddest from my perception of weird as I’m a happily cis woman who normally doesn’t really like male-on-male.

For me, one of the reasons I couldn’t pinpoint a most interesting fantasy is because there’s a lot of fantasies to choose from. As an excessively imaginative person and a purveyor of BDSM and femdom stories, I end up playing with as many themes and concepts as possible, often looking for ways to make a kink trope work for me. Which means that I also end up considering what I write about- from a personal basis- making something have an erotic zing is pretty key to hammering out readable erotica.

And, as a reaction junkie, it’s not necessarily always important to me what I’m doing. Since dating Wildcard, I’ve discovered that there’s a marked uptick in clothes-being-forcibly-removed fantasies. These were definitely present when I was younger, but I’ve imprinted really hard off his very vulnerable, real reactions when you take away his pants.

Day 7: What’s your favourite toy?

I’m partial to riding crops and silicone insertables. I also like male masturbation toys. You guys read my review of the Tenga egg- I like that sort of play as a couples activity, while impact play and sadism wise, I like crops and canes best to use, and I like the security of medical grade silicone. One too many toys with funny smells and tastes put me off of jelly, while I find metal and glass are not idiot proof and require a gentle hand because they have little natural give- not the best for a strapon, for example, which is the opposite of a tool of finesse. Seriously- it’s attached to your pelvis, it has no nerve endings and you can’t see what you’re doing. You might as well be operating a dildo on the back of your head.

Day 8: Post a kinky image you find erotic.


Kinky imagery is a really subjective idea, because often what distinguishes the very kinky is that not everyone would necessarily find it erotic.

I’ve talked about the impact of Disney’s “Sleeping Beauty” before, as well as the inevitable illustrated children’s picture books about medieval castles that always seem to mention, at least in a footnote about dungeons or knights being held until their family pays the ransom (there’s a story out there I need to write based on that particular chivalric tradition).

Outside of that, I’m very partial to to some of the artwork of Avenier. Unfortunately, to avoid having their artwork borrowed and plastered about the web without attribution, they’ve made it so I can’t link to particular images.

That being said, if we’re referencing things that caught my eye, when I was in high school this ad got me to linger more than once on the magazine it was printed in.


These days we’re a lot more spoiled for imagery, but at the time, it was the sort of early 2000s naughtiness that suggested exactly the sort of deviance I wanted in my life.

Day 9: Post a kink related song or music video you enjoy.

This one is pretty difficult because it’s hard to find femdom imagery that doesn’t shade into being more about a vaguely gothy looking lady in knee boots and a corset who is supposed be intimidating in a more passive way- basically the need to signal “dominatrix” to make female aggression explicable. For example “She Wants Revenge” likes to play with this sort of imagery.

Where as completely forgettable band Phixx answers the question of what potential having a whole packaged boy band as your prisoner. I think, although the song is nothing exciting, it’s a good argument for what would happen if the people who specialize in pandering to female sexuality decided to make femdom porn.

30 days of kink: Days 3, 4 & 5 Okay, how did you get started in the kink stuff?

Once again I’m doing 30 days of kink in a multi-day jam together.

Day 3: How did you discover you were kinky?

The question here is not as much how I discovered kink as much as that learned I was part of a sexual minority of any kind, or what the words for my kinks was.

Initially, this was just my sexuality (or proto sexuality) and because of the relative weirdness of my family background I didn’t think vanilla was the default or that it was abnormal to want to playfully tie someone up or like stories where people lost their clothing or were held captive. BDSM was just part of sex-ed, which is to say the basic vocabulary and safety advice. None of my early exploration with other partners indicated that people were by default, vanilla, just that everyone has stuff they will and will not do and that isn’t always what you’d like.

Co,ing to terms with the fact that ‘femdom’ was the word that best described me was a more lengthy process.

Day 4: Any early experiences that, in retrospect, hint at your kinks?

Pre-school me had an imaginary friend who was always getting beaten up and having his clothing stolen. I was as much enamoured with Disney’s Sleeping Beauty for the scenes with the chained up/captive prince and I was happy to read books on the middle ages with their inevitable explanation of the dungeon/ransoming system or play games involving Trolls who wanted to capture people. I was obsessed with a comic series called Elf Quest probably because of a wicked witch style character called Winnowill.

I’ve talked about this before, but suffice to say, it was pretty easy to pick out that I was excessively fixated on certain dynamics.

Day 5: What was your first kinky sexual experience?  If you haven’t had one yet, talk about what you hope to have happen.

Tie up and capture games with other children escalated, as puberty rolled through, into light kink with highschool boyfriends and enthusiastic cyber roleplay with stranger on the internet, probably also pretending to be 18 at the same time as me. This is not to say that I was running round owning slaves from day one, but that kink was just always there.

30 days of kink: Day 1 & 2 – Who are you anyway and what do you like?

Because the 30 days of kink meme was created for tumblr I’m going to do my 30 days with several days to a post.

Day 1: Dom, sub, switch?  What parts of BDSM interest you?  Give us an interesting in-depth definition of what that means to you. Basically define your kinky self for us.

I am a dominant sadomasochist. I am interested in power exchange relationships, and a general miscellaneous range of impact play, con-non-con, bondage, and so on. I consider myself a broken switch, in that I am into a full range of physical and rough play, but the psychological aspects of submission provide no fulfillment or attraction to me.

I think BDSM is a catch all term for a collection of commonly clustered kinks that focus on power imbalances, vulnerability and sensations that would often be considered unpleasant or painful and worth avoiding. How a particular person expresses these is going to vary wildly. As a dom (for me I don’t like ‘domme’), I am more interested in obedience and control than receiving acts of service in the stereotypical domestic fashion.

For example, I will get off on the idea of forcing a guy to edge himself repeatedly and beg me to come, but I will be less enthusiastic about him cleaning my floor.

Day 2: List your kinks.

Gosh, that might be long because I find I can get into many things if they are presented properly, and my 30 days of kink would just have to be devoted to listing anything I tangentially enjoy. Some of the stuff I like includes: Bondage, acts of sadism and masochism, puppeting someone’s body (eg. mind control), male foot gear, slenderness and gauntness (as in unhealthily underweight too), people being sick, states of extreme vulnerability, cold, captivity, hurt-comfort, uniforms, well dressed men, playing sexy spy/diplomat games, insertions, body compression and/or corseting, appearance modifications, dollification, giving a guy head… I think there’s a separate writing project based on doing a porn story for each of my kinks.

It gets more complicated when I try to consider things in terms of sexy ideas (tropes I find fun), things I masturbate to and sensation play that doesn’t come up in fantasy. For example I get sexually aroused from being on the receiving end or dishing out acts of sadism, but my private point of orgasm tends to focus on the intense vulnerability of non-con sex. Thus I don’t typically *think* of beating my partners during private masturbation time, but I’ll get wet doing it or watching a well done flogging scene in a movie and so on. And I’ve never enjoyed spanking porn (in large part because of the framing), but I like the act itself. Meanwhile some things are sexy ideas if I read them in stories and play out with other people- for example I like starting from a position of intense vulnerability and manipulating things to my own ends in games.

Which I think is a pretty important point about sexuality and uh… there lacks a word for it, but one’s emotional orientation and sense of what is romantic. With Wildcard, pre-bedroom foreplay is often either fighty (not in the yelling over housework kind but in the teasing playfighting tension) or in pursuit of his vulnerability, erotic interest and submission. In actual sex, there’s either the range of whap-whack-bind, or there’s particular ways I like to touch and be touched.

Meanwhile, when I’m writing porn… uh erotica, for me its fairly important to try to capture that visceral aspect similar to what I get before orgasm, as a sort of oomph, and the build up. I also tend to get side tracked into enjoying the emotional attitudes that underpin things, and for me, the sexy because it’s not sexy real mental tangents and contrasts people get.