9 Reasons to Block and Delete a Sub Sending You a Message

letter2Female dominants get messages, partnered or unpartnered, searching or trying to hide. In honour of the recent batch of crazy letters and threats, I’ve created a quick guide for new femdoms for signs you should save yourself the trouble and delete the message now. If any of these nine behaviors have come up in the guy’s efforts to talk to me, I’ve never found any good was going to come out of the interaction.

1) Tries to rapidly escalate or control the conversation medium. If you’re on a dating site, they try to push for an in person meeting immediately. If you’re online, they try to get you to give them more contact information right away or keep pushing to switch to another medium, eg going from email to chat, or guessing at your geographic location (such as “did I see you on X street?”)

Why this is bad: Taking the time to feel comfortable is important when you’re getting to know new people, among many things because it lets you figure out who they are on your own terms. Someone who pushes you this way doesn’t care about this and may even want you to disregard something about them you would pick up on if you took your time.

2) Instantly appears enamored of you and/or tries to force a D/s dynamic right away. They greet you with loud and hyperbolic praises, more so than simply a polite, respectful compliment or two – or they start trying to sub to you right off the bat. Alternatively, within a handful of messages you are, according to them, the best person they have ever met.

Why this is bad: An actual attachment to someone takes knowing them – anything else is fantasy they’ve created in their heads. The problem with being put on a pedestal this way is that if you do anything to topple off your perch, you are put at risk for them not being able to handle reality.

3) Only seems to know about femdom from porn. They have a particular, rigid understanding of roles and relationships and seem startled when anything deviates from their script. For example, they don’t seem to know negotiated limits are a thing or think dominants and subs are a special class of people under different rules than everyone else.

Why this is bad: If we were a few decades ago, the lack of material available would make this attitude slightly more forgivable. These days, the sheer wealth of knowledge presented to the newly self identified as kinked means that anyone with an internet connection can find scads of teaching resources. Therefore it shows a disproportionate willingness to let what they want to be true be the case, and more to the point, they’ve absolved responsibility for themselves.

4) Instant or whirlwind courtship commitment. From the word go they are already sure you are the one. They will relocate, marry you, whatever. Their heart is, according to them, true, and belongs only to you. This is probably combined with #2 – in their eyes you are the best and most beautiful and they want your collar NOW.

Why this is bad: Once again, this person is chasing a feeling more than trying to have a meaningful, nuanced relationship. This also tends to be a pattern in people with personality disorders- super epic passion followed by a crash when they stop being able to sustain things.

5) Claims they “read all your profile” or writing, but can’t answer simple questions about it, or takes and approach counter to what you’ve written about yourself and your preferences. You say you want a poly relationship and they talk about monogamy. You say you are a down to earth tomboy and they talk about how feminine you are. You say you hate being called titles and they open with ‘Mistress’.

Why this is bad: Being forced into being a fantasy prop is a perennial problem for femdoms, and also this sort of nonsense is proof of the person’s willingness to lie to you from the start, instead of saying “I liked what I read so far”.

6) You have a really bad feeling about this. Something feels off, but you can’t put your finger on it and you feel bad about not giving them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe they are just awkward or have a socialization disorder?

Why this is bad: Trust your gut. Women, in particular, are taught to disregard symptoms of dislike and make nice and forgive. Protect yourself. Even if you feel like a meanie – adults with social problems aren’t automatically allowed to put you at risk by trying to be open minded and most actually awkward people are balls of blushing apologies, not the type of people who make you feel itchy under your skin.

7) They have nothing nice to say about other people. All the other femdoms were findoms or fakes. They were crazy or ugly. You’re different of course! Not like their bitch ex- or their wife who’s a prude, their abusive parents or shitty boss.

Why this is bad: Everyone knows some bad people in their life, but if all the people they know are horrible by their description it’s statistically more probable they are the problem. and cross them and you will be just another fake who hurt them, according to what they tell the next woman.

8) They start telling you what to do, or expressing really strong preferences about other people or you. Maybe it’s phrased as introducing themselves, but they want to make sure you know that they like a particular thing, for example they start worrying about you getting fat or thin, they make appearance based suggestions or offer unsolicited critiques.

Why this is bad: This person is a controlling jerk who thinks they are just being honest. they won’t care about you except such that they can cram you into the shape they wish you were.

9) They want to talk about what gets them or you off in detail right away. You get asked to describe scenarios, share your fantasies, or they just won’t STFU about co-eds in ballet flats or busty trans leatherwomen.

Why this is bad: Wanker! This person is going to try to use you to titillate them. If their fantasy talk is all you want, good, but don’t expect things to get better or to focus on anything other than immediate gratification.

With this sort of winnowing in mind, consider it a chance to save your valuable time for only the worthwhile people. And remember, you don’t owe anyone a chance more than you deserve to feel safe.

What did I miss? What are your favourite signs that things just not going to go well?

Profile (And Approach): Part 1, The Picture

Because I get lots of questions, I’m going to write a several part series on online kink dating. We’ll examine both how to fill out your profile and how to try to approach someone. First we’re going to look at the most eye catching part of your profile, the picture.

Picture Profiles Get Passed Over Less

Whether this is Collarme, FetLife or some other website, one of the best ways to avoid being passed by is to make sure you have some sort of image. General dating website research says that you’ll get people’s attention longer.

The Main Image

Ideally your first point of contact and main profile picture should be a flattering picture of you. This is not the place to demonstrate you’re the kinkiest mofo who ever logged into a naughty website. It’s not that there’s anything wrong with that, it’s that it’s going to be counter-productive to your goals. That means that your first picture should not be very overt- not a close up of Mr. Happy, rampant or caged up, not you in full gimp suit regalia or best frilly lady clothes. By all means, entice. It’s okay to drop little hints. But save the overtly sexual stuff for the next photo, okay?

According to OkCupid’s data crunching, their male users get the most attention if they don’t look directly at the camera and don’t smile. Women, on the other hand, get rewarded most for “flirty face” which OkCupid defines as cutesy posing and doing pouty stuff with your mouth.

The Seduction

If you’re not stuck resorting to an awkward cellphone camera in a mirror, it’s okay to be sneaky and pose. Got a faithful puppy or a cat to snuggle? Looking for a lady who is impressed by your sweet saxophone skills? Bring these props into the picture. Most digital cameras include a timer and enough memory to play around a bit. And trust me, you should take several photos. Nobody looks good in their first attempt.

Playful and friendly are going to attract more attention. Active photos with you doing things are conversation starters, even if you staged yourself doing whatever you’re showing. It’s one of the easiest ways to get an actual woman to message you. And again, this is backed up by the research- and works for both genders.

In the other direction, if you’re going to post a sexy pic, make it more of a tease than just a money shot, or at least add the tease in. Let’s say your first picture is something much more wholesome and you want a dick pic- no matter how proud you are of the size of your sausage (or excited by the prospect that it is nothing impressive and you want everyone to reach for their magnifying glasses) you want to make the lady eager to look. To try to describe a tease, without devoting an entire blog post to it, think about the journey, not the destination.

Anonymity

Some of you, for obvious reasons, don’t want your employer, or the parents of the kids you teach, or your dear sweet Baptist grandmother finding out what you do in your personal life. That is no reason to leave your picture completely blank though!

An actual picture of you is still better, even if you don’t show your face. Headless torso shots are popular, but this can be hit-or-miss. Abs also have a diminishing result with age- you 19 year old kinksters get better returns than you 49 year olds with cobblestone tummies.  If you’re not sure about the abs-and-chest look for you, put your shirt back on. But make it a nice shirt. And consider other body parts. No, not a crotch shot. Try, for example, an arm shot, with a dress shirt rolled to reveal a wrist cuff. Your interests will define your hints.

You can also try a picture of your bookshelf, if you’re a reader, or a nice shot of food, if you’re a foodie. Try to make that picture at least tangentially related to you, rather than random memes. The idea is a conversation starter. In fact your entire profile should probably be structured this way, to keep messages going.

If you put up a sexy picture, for example a porn image you borrowed, keep in mind that what you find sexy is going to attract guys just like you. Do you want to date a guy just like you? If not, you want to share something your target audience will find hot. You’re also going to make people super confused if you post a picture contrary to your orientation you’re identifying under, for example if you have a naked lady in chains when you’re looking for a dom.

General Advice

Clean up your background. Messy homes are not hot. But also move distracting laundry baskets, Kleenex boxes and cable spaghetti. You may bridle at the thought of displaying anything but unvarnished reality, but trust me; no person actually thinks you live in an immaculate set piece. You’re just taking out the clutter to get a cleaner visual.

Try to make your main self-portrait be just of you. You as the best man at your brother’s wedding, even if you have a nice smile, should at least be cropped so you don’t have to say “I’m the dude on the right”.

If you have the option to add a caption, do so. For example let’s say you’re posing with your guitar or your dog- “I picked it up in first year of college and jam once a month with my friends” or “Fido is a Yorkie/Great Dane cross I got as a shelter rescue” is only bonus stuff you to talk about.

Not photogenic? Quantity. Seriously, that’s how professional models do it, thousands and thousands of pictures. What do you think a strobing flash exists for?