I believe you can tell a lot about the quality of the information available to community by how searchable it is and right now that exact phrase “How to Get a Woman to Dominate You” turns up a disaster as far as results.
About 50% of humans seem to be at least vaguely kinky, with submissive fantasies being very common in all genders. Despite that, it’s an oft remarked comment of femdoms that the quality of the come ons we get and the education of our potential partners is more often than not, appalling. Guys who think we don’t exist. Guys who don’t know how to approach us. Guys who think we are weird fetish unicorns.
Why, with the sheer banality of the desire to be dominated, is this a thing?
A pretty common refrain is that men just don’t care to educate themselves, because sexism, but I don’t think that’s the entire picture. Although it’s easy to dwell on porn or poor social skills, the evidence is of a lot worse problem. The information just isn’t there to be found.
Lets say you are a an average straight-ish guy with a smart phone. You want to get femdom sexings, maybe with a partner, or maybe you just want ot know how it works. Just as you check everything from the directions to your doctors appointment and how to make a pot roast to if you have cancer or where to find latex strapon videos, you probably google that shit.
So I did, and here’s the first 10 results. It wasn’t pretty.
- The first hit is Goodlookingloser, a A MRA/PUA site, telling you that women just don’t find being dominant inherently hot. their tip is to trick her, PUA style y offering your individual fetishes as things you want because you find them sexy, to which he inherent desire to be sexy will cause her to reciprocate. Direct quote “Girls are not naturally dominant.“
- Then an Ask Men click -through article that is low on details and orphaned from anything BDSM community shaped.
- Then a guide to dominating women. >:(
- Then a guide *for* women on bustle, asking a man to dominate you.
- Then a Bad Girls Bible article for women telling them how to lead into a dominant role that is… actually not half bad.
- Back to dominating women. More text about how she will really want you if you do, a re-occurring theme.
- Then a Quora hit. It’s a specific scenario about trying to make femdom more appealing- not really a helpful answer but an honest one that not everyone’s going to be into your kinks, and a bit of explanation of “service topping”.
- Then we are back to another hit about dominating women from a wedding website.
- And another hit talking about dominating women and how it is what they really want.
- Finally, Stoya, over on the Verge, answers an agony aunt style sex question. Unfortunately the net nanny “over 18” is broken and wouldn’t let me pass through.
According to everything Google tells us about the monopoly provided by their service, the first page of search is usually the only one people every visit, and most people usually only click the first link or maybe the first couple of links. This means that Google thinks, algorithmically, the most useful search hit to a person looking for “How to Get a Woman to Dominate You” is in fact the following: “They don’t like to be because they no longer feel feminine and sexy.” and “Girls like to get fucked by a dominant, alpha male.”
Can you imagine how much that is fucking with sub men to read that?
As a femdom, it’s infuriating, because obviously I exist and I am over here buffing my muffin to precisely the shit the author thinks won’t glaze a wick on its own merits. But if you were a sub guy… soul crushing. Follow that with dead ends and a litany of reminders how much women want to be dominated and no wonder I am getting a trickle of people who sound like they met a mermaid-unicorn or can’t fathom that I have my own needs or desires.
We need to do better than that. While we are getting utterly slaughtered by the side effects of FOSTA/SESTA and the #Pornapocalypse, we are largely erased from the narrative by lack of searchability. For all that articles like my 33 things every submissive man should know or femdom stuff to make him do while you figure stuff out have gamed SEO a bit to get actually useful information out there, I can’t find any of my blogger friends easily and that’s a problem.
So do me a favour and throw your favourite advice articles and blog posts in the comments and I’ll try to get them carried out a little further.