Fall Changes, Forward Motion and Endings

Fall leaves with quote: "My life is changing as the leaves outside my window shift their shade."Lately it’s been a life lived in a general state of desire I’ve missed. I’m happy to have my lust back, happy to crave and want and not feel completely undesired although I have once again screwed myself (and not in the good way) via setting my wants on someone out of easy reach for their regular use.

I’ve endeavored to sublimate that desire into productivity. My not so stable office gig finally tipped over, commanding I look elsewhere. There have been  a few auspicious leads, but just starting the process. So career shift joins the other life changes that this year brought.

You already know I ended things with Wildcard. I also basically closed the door on my monthly munch, being more than a little burned out on the Montreal BDSM scene.

I need to focus more on me, although life doesn’t want me to do that based on the demands it keeps dropping at my doorstep. So I have been cutting away a lot of things that are not cooperative with that goal, because I will be sick and chronically unhappy all the time if I don’t.

I love autumn as much for the changes it signifies as the other aspects of the season.

Fall is my favourite season, my new year, as a student, with crisp clean new supplies and excitement about my classes, then as an adult for the fact that the parts of the year I like start. It’s my romantic time, when I get dreamy and cozy, and historically tend to fall into the dreamiest states of love. The light is prettier, the temperature finally less obnoxious so I can do things.

So with the extra energy, both from my kicked up lust, the season change and my commitment to myself, I’ve been doing more.

This has largely been a net positive. I’ve been writing a bunch, even some exclusive stuff for Dreams Made Flesh, who is carrying the mission that I started this blog for, that Bitchy Jones inspired me to take up in the first place, one step further. Actually it’s one of the hotter things (to me) I’ve ever written.

Sure I am stressed as heck about money (now would be a good time to offer me a writing commission! ) and not entirely sure what I am doing, but the last couple of months have been more productive than the year combined. Documents I have needed have been applied for. Legal processes started.

I was past due for this.

I may not stay in Montreal for very long, depending what happens with my employment.  Or it might be a year more if a really good job pops up, but I feel like I’m done with this city now and ready to see what else is out there.

Fall is a dying season but also time to harvest what I planted, and I’m going out there with my basket.

I Can’t Endorse You, And The Fact That This Bothers You Is A Warning

So Montreal is very blessed with a large BDSM scene. Although clubs and dungeons come and go, based on trends and the notoriously tight wallets of the average kinky citizen, you have your pick of places to hang out.

One (well, a couple) of them keeps allowing HerrK to come to their events, a dude with a number of nasty outstanding allegations. It’s pretty well documented, from his vague apology/confession, to the 11 alleged victims that came forward that shit is fucked up. Net consequence, people, including my partner, warn their friends that he goes to stuff. And we tell organizers because it is helping them to know what’s going on. Even if you are a for profit company with the morals of a Saturday morning cartoon villain, it’s really stupid business practices because it’s a giant liability and PR stink.

As of Thursday, talking about a party being held at the club, Unity to which HerrK is going, Wildcard posts a status on fetlife, (kind of like on facebook) to note this so his friends can make up their own minds on the subject and asks he organizer for a statement via PM- warning him that HerrK is attending.

Now Wildcard and I compare notes, but generally work independently on our own moral direction on things- the organizer suggested talking to him, but knowing no fruit came with working with me (eg HerrK was still going to stuff) Wildcard declined the opportunity. The organizer had his warning already. We can’t keep telling him about stuff he was linked to and he can make up his own mind. If his 25+ years of kinky party planning tells him that this is the right call to make, so be it. He’s a free citizen.

Then the organizer puts himself as going to my 18-35 munch. I generally try to enforce the age limits, with a little wiggle room at the 36-37 side of things as people transition into wider things in the scene, so I give him a note this is not the right space for him. He insists that he, despite being a well preserved 50+, has the right to go to a public venue, etc, etc…

I repeat that it would be a shame to have to formally eject one of his tenure and status (because I mean seriously, this guy is the closest to a grandfather the scene has) and I’d rather not humiliate the veteran organizer over what might be a miscommunication when people are tired and emotional. The conversation is probably permanently severed, but I don’t know what more to tell him.

The organizer probably doesn’t like this, but the fact remains, that if you welcome people with the dreaded Allegations hanging over their head, people will be warned by their friends about the quality of the company found at your events. I am nowhere near as evangelical as Wildcard about this particular strategy (I tend to get a lot more “but it never happened to meeeee!”), but it really is very frustrating.

And I know this organizer really, really wants me to endorse the multitude of projects they work hard on. They try to involve the entire community in huge, big tent projects. That I respect except I can’t endorse an event that doesn’t meet the standards of my judgement. I’m not a complicated woman, but there are some things I can’t compromise on. I am just not that flexible.

And I’m a little nobody, toodling around with my single monthly event for the last 5 years. All I can do is tell people I personally don’t endorse this.

The Kink Role Decoder You Were Waiting For

yourfetishroleEver wondered what those titles and identifier tags meant? This list is here to set you straight when you are getting kinky. 😉

Primal Predator: He really likes rough sex. Somehow this impresses some people and is seen as more ‘intense’. 

babygirl: She’s somewhere between the ages of 35 and 45 and she has her shit together more than you ever will. Also she really likes colouring.

Domme: Identifies as female, is dominant. Gets way more solicitations to sub to strange men than she would like. Which is any number greater than zero. Also get solicitations from ostensibly dom men offering themselves if she promises not to tell on them.

Dominant: Is a dominant as noted, but if female constructions like “Domme” makes her teeth hurt.  She will mockingly pronounce it Dom-AE. As this is the gender neutral, she will also have to devote a lot of time to reminding people M/f is not the default kink setting.

kajira: Thinks belly dancing is a fetish activity. Has more slave “positions” memorized than her dom.

sub: Submissive identified. Is mysteriously defaulted to lower case as if “Dom” were a proper name. Despite the fact that the distaff side of this orientation basically does 90% of the organizing in kink, gets assumed to be less competent.

Switch: Allegedly either not real, or an inferior alloy of dom and sub that will fly apart at any moment. If female, gets creepy inbox messages from all orientations.

Masochist/Bottom: Likes to get their ass beat, is way tougher than you. Sick of being disrespected.

Sadist: Is 2 spooky 4 u. Alternatively is desperately trying to avoid the overly sentimental side of kink because the “gift of submission causes” mouth vomit.

Sadomasochist: Does not take themselves seriously, much less your weird role authority game that they didn’t consent to. Somehow avoids the bullshit “not real” lable that switches get.

Hedonist: Literally here to get laid and unapologetic about that fact to an admirable degree. Will try anything once.

Swinger: Grandpa and Grandma’s version of poly. Pays double the door price at their events if male identified.

Princess: Completely unreliable indication of gender or role orientation, but would appreciate a tiara.

Evolving/Exploring: Read the porn or had some mind blowing sex, now here to find if there’s some sort of pattern to their orgasms.

pet/pup/kitten: Thanks the lucky stars that fashion trends made kitty ears a cheapo year round fashion accessory at Forever 21, has bought accessories at a pet store. Walks on your lap when you are trying to work on the computer.

Sensualist: Abhors pain. Likes orgasms. Give them a plush throw and an ostrich plume and close the door.

Herr Kommandandt Quits. Now What?

nikeHerr Kommandandt has stepped down from his role in Urban Dungeon, and allegedly the BDSM scene. After the number of abuse allegations climbed to 11+ separate individuals with startlingly similar stories of rape, injuries they never consented to, theft and abuse, and a post of mine that made Kinky & Popular on fetlife, there’s some sort of response to all this other than denial. Well, that’s pretty vindicating.

The allegations are getting fully talked about. Other people are talking to MasterSin about the involvement of Montreal Fetish Weekend. I’m getting talked about, in that oblique and careful way that fet does, as a “kinky blogger”. There’s a statement on his profile and in an event thread in the fet group- and one here in the comments of this post from Shawts, which I’ve given a reprint to make it easier to find.

His original statement was in French, so once again D20 has stepped in with his patient translation skill. That guy is a gem of a human. If you see him at one of the munches, please buy him a beverage and tell him nerdy jokes. Seriously.

Herr Kommandandt’s Statement:

Dear Fetlife community,

I address you all in response to what I have read about myself in the past few weeks.

Formerly, impulsive as I was, I would’ve replied immediately, but I wanted to consider the weight of my words and truly think about the matter. For a certain time, as those close to me already knew, I was planning an exit from the fetish scene for an undetermined duration, perhaps even a permanent one.

About two or three months ago, I realized I did not like the person I had become and I asked myself several questions about this subject. Those who have known me for seven or eight years know I am but a shadow of the guy I once was, the friendly and smiling guy, never judging others, never holding a grudge.

It made me realize that, since my breakup with my ex wife, the mother of my daughter, I have been dealing with a major depression for all those years and I did not give the bitterness caused by this breakup the time it needed to heal.

With the years, I became spiteful, moody, I cultivated an unhealthy feeling inside of me and it all affected my actions in my everyday life. I often resorted to negativity and verbal attacks, threats, psychological violence (often without realizing it) and, because of my depression, I was unable to deal with a stable job for medium or long amounts of time.

The advent of Urban Dungeon had worsened these negative feelings and, in the position of power I found myself in, I probably psychologically abused certain people and my recurring poverty meant that, several times, I became dependent of my partners. The taste of power went up to my head. The simple guy became a vindictive, cruel and sometimes illogical guy.

Each breakup in my D/s relationships or love life was epic, laborious and especially complicated. I often only looked at my side of things, without caring about the suffering of others. Sharing my mood swings on social network websites hurt many people… and today, I fully realize it.

Because I love this community, because I gave a lot despite everything, I have made the decision to leave my position as the owner of Urban Dungeon and to cease my BDSM activities.

I’m only a human being, but I did not like what I saw in the mirror when I woke up in the morning. So, a few weeks ago, I took a concrete action to fix my personal problems and as long as my mental and moral conditions do not improve, I will stay away… and I am considering a permanent departure.

I am currently being helped by professionals. Psychiatry and psychology. This help will allow me to thoroughly sort this inner mess, which will certainly require lots of time. It will be painful, but it is time I make this person disappear, this Kommandandt who has been so often talked about in the past few years, and not always for the right reasons.

In the process I have recently begun, I am lucky to have found an angel, a voice of reason, in my submissive, [Faye], who is slowly, and as much as she can, showing me how I can be myself again… how I can become a human being again. Her support is exceptional and I am very grateful of making me rediscover the simple things in life such as happiness, the right path, a life worth living.

So I take the time here to deeply apologize, before leaving, to all those I might have hurt. I was clearly not 100% myself during the past two or three years and I clearly owe you apologies. I have begun to contact each of these persons and to express my regret and present them my sincere apologies (to those who were ready to hear them). To those who wanted to receive them: exes, ex play partners, former friends, etc.

The path I am about to continue on, that I began treading too slowly, this path towards change, permanent change, a return to normal for me, Jack, will be long, painful, but I am ready to face it. I am tired of hurting people I care about, my entourage, and this scene that allowed me to develop myself.

Now that I have identified all my problems and what I must do, I must and will do it. I have already started this process. I will no longer live in negativity nor denial. I will not live in misguided pride. I no longer act in anyone’s name but mine. I will no longer try to run away and I will try to look at problems as they come and attempt to solve them and to make honorable amends at the best of my ability.

With that said, I offer my apologies to all persons, locations, events, venues or other entities to which I might have said things that were either negative, exaggerated or false. I ask all of you to forgive me. It was selfish and irrational of me.

I also offer my apologies to all persons I may have, directly or indirectly, abused of my power or position of power on. I am deeply sorry and I must also work on that important fact. Being a figurehead does not necessarily mean being a harsh dictator or an insensitive being looking for thrills.

I would also like to mention that several people, without naming anyone, out of respect, have deeply hurt me, have harassed me, have caused trouble for my family, have broken my heart and my kidneys… but I forgive you all, each and every one of you, WITH NO EXCEPTIONS. I am tired of living in bitterness, pain and bad memories. I now want to live day by day with a positive mindset.

I have decided to turn a new leaf, to work on myself, no matter how long it will take, even if it takes the rest of my life… so that I don’t make anyone relive these dark years! Not myself and especially not those I love and the woman I love. No one deserved the shitty attitude I may have sometimes displayed.

Now, I take my leave to heal, feel better, take care of myself, my life and my partner. Big thanks to those who have supported me against all odds during all those years, but especially MissOpale who, despite everything, despite certain disagreements, has always been a loyal partner during our adventure. She is also one of the reasons why I am still here, typing behind a keyboard to you today.

The Urban Dungeon was a dream, built with love, passion and in the image of the people that would spend time in it. MissOpale will take my place and will continue the mission of the Urban without me. I will no longer be associated to this place, even if my soul and my heart will remain Urban forever. For the love I have for this community and my friends, I pass the torch. Do not deprive yourself of a beautiful place to play and meet people. And I will add that MissOpale is an extraordinary person. I had become the problem… and I am doing what it takes to fix that problem. I do not deserve a prestigious position at the moment and I especially do not deserve to be a standard bearer. Do not make a venue and fantastic events pay for my mistakes, as it would be unjust of you to make an entire, wonderful team pay for mistakes I have made in the past due to my lack of a better judgement while I was going through depression!

With that said, and with a tear to my eye, I tell you… see you next time, if there ever will be one.

What happens now?

Read more

Urban Dungeon & Herr Kommadant Pt. 3

new mfwurban logoWondering what this is? Start here.

So, in response to making the allegations public, at my current count we have one well meaning unrelated interloper doing the false accusations hurt people shtick and 4 our so people directly connected to Urban Dungeon or Herr Kommadant, 3 of those who acknowledge that he has a reputation, whether or not they choose to take it seriously. And an outpouring of support. Yaye guys.

I am actually inclined to be patient with the former, as bystanders have less obligation to speak for anyone other than themselves, but I can say in my perspective, Opal (Co-owner of Urban Dungeon), Happy Boobologist (the “Happy Munch”) and Shawts (25 to 45 Munch) have made it explicitly clear they will happily organize events at a venue owned/run by someone with multiple allegations outstanding.

Urban Dungeon’s Associated Persons are Not Handling This Well

All these individuals are more concerned with silencing dissent about the venue than dealing with the problem. They are not at all concerned with taking steps to address these allegations other than insisting a higher standard (police reports, in particular, which you know are scarce even in vanilla circumstance) although they are happy enough to pay lip service to the idea that they are totally open to victims talking to them, nothing about their behaviour or actions has indicated they plan to take anything seriously.

Perhaps none of these persons is aware that they are making a hostile environment that is contributing to the issue at hand. I will say if at *my* munch it was discovered that a volunteer or fellow organizer have numerous allegations outstanding I would (and did!) consider it way more of a priority than shutting up the person who brought it to my attention so that my business or parties were not impacted.

I know first hand how upsetting it is to discover that not only was someone you trusted not who you thought they were, but also the feelings of guilt in being complicit by legitimizing someone who did not respect consent. But you have to do the right thing because if you are going to make yourself responsible for hosting or organizing, you are 100% responsible for putting people at risk.

Meanwhile…

Alleged survivors/victims remain frightened of consequences. I would like to see due legal process followed, but it is understandable that asking someone to out themselves (remember we can use pseudonyms here, but the cops will not accept anything but legal names and the intimate details of your private life, something that they are under zero expectation to understand or accept) is a tough order of business. Police were talked to, but proved to be somewhat difficult to gain the attention of- remember that our entire way of doing the public sexy stuff took relatively recent legal challenges, and at this time buying sex, profiting from the sale of sex and third-party advertising are all illegal– Montreal is a generally liberal area, but it would be foolish not to say there is a stigma attached to what we do.

Yes, there will probably be further attempts at police but that is entirely up to the victims. And FFS people, the reason why I am doing this is because right now many of the people who believe they were victimized feel there is a consensus supporting Herr Kommadant. I am having a hard time arguing that it would be safe for them to go public when multiple organizers acknowledge his terrible reputation, but don’t care and are annoyed I’m talking about it.

Ok, so what does Miss Pearl want from this?

I want nobody with any degree of power in the Montreal BDSM community to be able to say they didn’t know about the allegations. I want to call out people who make a hostile space to discuss abuse within the BDSM community, or for that matter insist that we are a healthy, safe space while trying to force truly toxic things into the shadows without acknowledging them.

If you want to help…

  • If you have survivor resources in Montreal, leaving them in the comments would be a good idea.
  • If you have been victimized or witnessed victimization I will listen.
  • If you want to affirm that you respect the right of survivors not to be re-victimized, leaving a comment is more than welcome.

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