Having a Sub Makes Me a Better Person

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Subs get hugs

I’m the first to blow a raspberry at glurgey essays on how a Twue Dom is a magical paternal all knowing figure, and equally quick to whine about the pressure that gets put on subs and doms alike to live up to a higher ideal. I don’t think D/s is better than Vanilla. However…

From about the moment Strong wandered, perfectly innocently into my life, even before I thought of owning him as something “real” and was still trying to work through the ailing end of my last relationship, I’ve felt the compulsion to try to push for more. Quite frankly, his presence motivates me to deal with my shit. But, having him as something to think about is also valuable in examining how I approach the world.

For an example: I’m a fairly negative person, at least about how I talk about stuff. This often gives the impression I’m not a happy person overall. I have a few things that stress me out, but by and large, while I’m difficult to please, it takes quite a bit to wreck my day.

In reality I actually can get rapturous about raindrops and light dappled leaves once you get me out the door, and I may be liable to painfully twee “Good morning postal worker! Good morning grocer! Good morning Hassidic father with stroller!” style neighbourhood interactions, but in before I get out the door I don’t like leaving the house just a little bit, and tend to talk about stuff with friends like some kind of agoraphobe. Naturally, one of the sadistic things I tend to do to Strong is give him a stream on consciousness rundown of everything I get up to, what I’m feeling in the immediate moment, etc, etc.. He stoically puts ups with this. So he was getting regular grumbles about the audacity of my friends and them daring to invite me places.

And, he was really starting to worry about me. My litany of whinge would get met with a patient: “Try to have fun, Miss? Please?”

I had to assess something. I committed myself to clear communication with him, as one of the things that one does to try to make sure that one’s relationships are healthy. But sometimes it’s just as important what your words are communicating and I was painting a very dreary portrait.

It’s one thing to let yourself be Eeyore like, but when someone else cares desperately about you being happy, that can effect them. So, I decided to commit myself to communicating the better parts over the doomy and gloomy. After all, 15 minutes of whinge often prefaced hours of fun. Students of psychology know where this is going…

Of course the less you focus on little irritations, the less they effect you. It’s silly, and a little embarrassing, but watching my mouth to make sure I was representing reality accurately cut back on the pre-event grumbly feeling. It’s one of those feedback loop things.

It’s also made me a lot more confident about making the effort to assert myself, and much more focused on achievement. I’m generally pretty live-and-let live about life. But as much as I’m not sure if it’s based on wishful thinking and fantasies, I feel responsible. Like I need to get a nest feathered and ready as soon as possible.

Maybe it’s also because I like the idea of a kept man, someone being had and held for my pleasure, so I tend to be more in the school of thinking of someone as being mine to do for not as a more traditional gender role based desire to be done for, but it’s like a sub is the best possible acquisition who needs a nurturing space.

Why Are There So Many Nerds In Kink?

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The reality is that I think kinks are as evenly distributed through the population as anything else, but when you enter the BDSM scene, you can be reasonably confident that all the markers of nerdery will be present in a good percent of the people at you average play party or munch.

I can go to a munch and be more than confident that I won’t be the only one who enjoys RPGs. While genre classics are transitory and I can easily find people who enjoyed Starship Troopers or girls who grew up with Anne Mccaffrey and Mercedes Lackey, the overlap between the poly, the pagan, the terminally nerdy gamers, the historical re-creationists and so forth has been long remarked upon to the point that it’s practically a cliche. If you tel me “she volunteers at the Rennefaire” I’m not going to think it’s at all unusual if you tell me “she is also extremely interested in table top, is a practising Norse priestess and is one third of a poly triad in which she is the alpha submissive”. And don’t tell me you didn’t notice either!

I’ve seen it remarked on negatively, as nerdery is not for everyone- nerd culture also has its problems, which can make a barrier to entry for people who are incidentally kinky but not really nerdy. But I don’t accept the premise that kinky people are inherently *Smarter*. I actually know plenty of dumb nerds. Ability to enjoy specific intellectual property is no marker of a high IQ.

So why so many damn nerds?

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Self Sabotage & Communication

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As much as the collective kinky relationships blogasphere beat the “communication” drum so hard that the stick broke, in practice this is actually really, really difficult. Really, really, really, really difficult. No, seriously, it’s actually almost impossible for some people to just have a productive conversation about kink or about feelings or that thing that someone’s doing that really pisses you off. But, you need to make sure the problem is not you, and I find there’s a lot of self sabotage in trying to talk about stuff and how people try to get what they want from each other.

Situation: “If I don’t tell them, then they can’t say no!”

We like to believe that our friends and loved ones would, when the chips are down, do what’s most important to us. But, as a second best, being refused can feel scary and many people worry that the request itself will have consequences. For example a person who never asks a friend out because it would “ruin the friendship” or someone who explains their vanilla partner would never understand for fear that that person will think less of them.

Doms do this when they’re not sure that the sub will actually pull their weight. It’s a particular vulnerability inherent in D/s, that hearing a sub say “No!” makes you feel no longer in charge. Subs do it when they’re not sure their limits will be respected and they don’t feel strong enough to stand up for themselves, because it maintains the fantasy that the . Pay really close attention here, it’s a warning sign that you don’t trust your partner and their ability to meet your needs, or for the survival of the relationship if you have to face up to not getting what you want.

Suggestion: Frame your request.

Due diligence on how the other party likes to be approached with things is about your only protection from voluntarily locking yourself in limbo. If the request is important, try things like breaking it into smaller questions- for example few vanilla partners are indulgent enough to go 24/7 by next Tuesday, but gradually getting them exposed to your kinks in a sex way is going to work better than blurting out every fantasy you ever had or worse, using their presumed no to justify cheating because they would never understand anyway.

Situation: Arguing while irate/upset

Arguments have a very negative association for most people, being used synonymous for “fight”. Some people burst into tears even trying to broach the topic, and if you’re one of those people I sincerely advise you not to retire from the arena purely on that fact- your communication is valid too. However, there is such a thing as only discussing a problem when it is a big haring deal and how you are feeling is going to come blaring out in your ability to communicate.

A warning sign of this is that your conversations get derailed into other subjects that also bother you, or that things tend to escalate into talking about what this particular thing means as a statement about the whole relationship or the sort of person. Sometimes a problem is symptomatic of a bad personality thing that needs to be addressed , but trying to tackle someone’s entire personality is going to usually be a losing battle.

Suggestion: Don’t hold grudges, but take a long game view.

In relationships, we often get told that issues should be dealt with and be over and done with, but actually processing how you feel can be a lengthy thing. If you feel like discussions tend to go off the rails a lot, it may be helpful to look at the bigger picture and the pattern of the things that needed extra attention. This will help you decide if it’s a big systemic issue that needs to be addressed with some distance from the symptom, or if it’s a case of just needing to vent. Clarifying what the ting being discussed means to you will help you tailor your reaction. After all, you’re not really enjoying being mad, anyway, are you?

Situation: No consequences.

This one’s a tough one. Nobody likes playing games in a relationship and it’s unhealthy to have to manipulate or parent someone outside consenting and select circumstances. But a lot of the time, when people ask for things they don’t offer any reaction other than trying to accept it. This teaches the other party to learn to ignore that person’s requests, since they are all classified as “if you feel like it!” This is not good.

Sometimes this can be the hardest part of getting things done with other people, because often it is easier to eat whatever it is that is bothering you, as part of the price of admission, than have to stand down someone you love. Especially if you have mortgages or children  or some such. Especially when you feel like this may escalate into the other person putting consequences up on you that are worse than what you started with.

Unfortunately, if other people demand you’re going to be a doormat, that’s their prerogative. What is yours is your ability not to write “Welcome” on your back in an easily readable font.

Suggestion: Maintain some things that are uniquely yours and your space.

Having an ability to fall back into your own space lets you maintain distance when you need it. This can mean your own study or room, or even a social network that’s not entirely mutual. While the “silent treatment” is childish, a lot of arguments are about things that effect two people, and having zones where you are not utterly dependent on the other person’s moods and whimsy is a healthy antidote to being a hostage- and it sends the message that if you’re with someone it’s a choice done out of love and part of a healthy balance.

Hot/Cool Fictional Male “Subs”: Richard (Sword/Seeker of Truth)

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Just because I didn’t like a series doesn’t mean it’s not  good example. In this particular instance, I’m going to look at a fictional male sub character who is cast as being cool, awesome and all around great with inclusion of pretty explicit and blatant D/s. There’s nothing stealth here.

And it’s not surprising. While there’s always the odd image of a tied up, tortured hero to tease viewers and readers, male submission is just so inherently normal that it’s surprising there’s not more things with such strong kink focus.

Richard: The Hero Is A Sub

Our Hero Who Is Always RightThe “Sword of Truth” books are a series of fantasy novels following the standard tropes of chosen one heroes, magic swords and the author’s own particular love for Libertarianism and femdom. Writing about this one is accepting that just because I don’t like something doesn’t mean it’s not a good example, because these books are bloody kinky- and more to the point, it’s about as close as it gets to a femdom Gor without being some sort of female supremacy porn story or other niche work. It is also popular enough to have rated its own television series, the Seeker of Truth.

And it’s chock full of plot facilitated female dominance. It starts with the canonical female love interest/lead, Khalan is a “Mother Confessor”, a magical being gifted with the ability to make anyone fall passionately and unrevokeably in love with her to the result of perfect obedience. And your only protection is to love her that much already. And guess who, of course just naturally loves her as much as one of those magical slaves?

But the series doesn’t stop with Khalan. By book one we are introduced to an order of leather wearing, pain magic wielding Mord-Sith, who train people as pets and demand to be called “Mistress”. Later, another group of matriarchs, this time magical wizard trainers, pop up and incidentally have a penchant for abducting magic men and locking collars around their necks.

Rada'han

(To which the wearer in wizard training must willingly lock around his own neck)

And then another whole book has Richard slaved to a woman by magic, so he’s forced to be her fake husband. By plot convenience, although his love for Khalan is labelled as True, Richard is constantly abducted and dragged away by one woman after another, with them all being cast as sexy, hot bitches who want to jump Richard’s bones until they rattle. And his constant slave/prisoner status is never considered to detract from him and his masculinity. Even when the poor bugger is raped by a Mord-Sith.

Woo!

Rather the reverse- the noble suffering is seen as something that makes him cool and is used as a stand in for depth, as although he becomes emperor of the whole god damn world by the end, with all slavishly acting like he is Libertarian Jesus, he is explicitly allowed to have fallen in love with a Mord-Sith (simultaneous to Khalan) and sympathize with the numerous ladies who want him to be their property or teach him by force. The books have a bad habit of making the lead eventually show up everyone and everything by being just that awesome (all while being a “simple woods’ guide”), and I would not call them well written. But… when pop culture normally limits male submission to a punch line or a temporary inconvenience… the author managed to convince people to pay him a lot of money to talk about his submissive fantasies. And then film them without any self concious irony.

Superman, my last example, was very quiet about the femdom elements, but this one is loud, proud and in your face. He might not be *my* ideal male sub, but Richard is lovingly rendered, with highly successful sales, as the Best Person Ever and is widely adored by fans of the work.

Goodbye June, Good Riddance

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There’s been a dozen abortive attempts to write about June, and three deleted posts thus far. Particular for me it’s been a real test of my endurance and resilience because I feel like it nudges up against something I have as a personal challenge, but also because it’s something that you have to let digest before running off and making rash commentary.

And yet, a lot of what makes other dom writers valuable is not just talking about the minutiae of safe rope ties and punishment ideas, but spilling their guts about their relationships. From Ferns frustration that finding a good match is hard; to watching Bitchy Jones go from ecstasy to agony as things almost worked but fell apart; to D’s bitter-sweetness in finding what she wants with all the transitory limits that implies; or even the non blogger but frequent Fetlifer mod, Carolyn, sharing older person married life, these people help us decide how it works realistically.

For me,  June presented a chance to look at a place where I’m soft and delicate and downright fragile.

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Lipstick, Tease & Denial

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So I recently discovered a lipstick fetish, and I’ve been having a lot of fun with it.

Smear!I put on lipstick because he doesn’t like it. Not as a torture, but because I enjoy the duality of my mouth made more sexualized by a slash of red, and yet un-sexualized by locking it down under a coat of paint- as much as we use lipstick marks for a kiss symbol, it’s the least  sexy mouth option in practice.

It’s a bit of a surprise to find myself smearing faintly flavoured red paint on, because I very seldom wear makeup. It’s a tool for me, but right now it’s really playing into the chastity aspect of tease and denial.

I’ve talked before about the problems with managing desire by other people- for example the obvious interest of the guy in charge of my driving school does not thrill me the way that captivating a room can. I like that my sub is attracted to my body, but knowing there’s physical fetishes of his that I don’t fit does not trouble me unduly, because they are things that are not earned or done, but come naturally to a woman. Actually, for Strong, this has unsexed my mouth.

But the lipstick… it smears across my lips, creamy, first the thickness of the bottom lip and than twice darting to the highest points of my top lip. I press my lips together, and push left to right, right to left, pressing the pigment. Sometimes I blot it until a clean, precisely folded tissue blushes, reapplying thin layers to build up a brightness, and sometimes I leave a single bold coating. You can feel it after, if you think about it, like paint that never dries perfectly.

But I like that it’s false colouring, an angler fish lure. It demands to be looked at and yet… my lips are sealed.

Hot/Cool Fictional Male “Subs”: Superman

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Okay, so last time we talked about Fenris, a not so well known character. But what about someone more well known? Sometimes your malesub fantasies aren’t about people who aren’t physically vulnerable, they’re emotional punching bags who just don’t measure up. They’re allowed to be less than. And sometimes a guy can get emasculated on a daily basis and still be popular.

Superman: Fun With Self Cuckolding

No, seriously. Superman might be superhumanly invulnerable, bends the laws of physics and take nothing after his biological parents (top tier scientist of Krypton), favouring a J-school background and problem solving based on hitting things. He’s a muscle bound power fantasy who can be hard to write for precisely because he is basically a god. But there’s a weeny little thingee in his canonical relationship with Lois Lane (or really with women in general) that hints the Man of Steel refers to his chastity cage not his strength…

Reluctantly. Riiiiight.

Superman dates back to 1938, making him a cultural icon that pretty much everyone knows. His creator, needing to make a living like everyone else, distilled him out of sketches of a socialist hero of the people into a heroic commercial success. But as well as a story about a man that bounces over buildings, it’s also a story about a rather repitative love life.

Once you leave aside largely forgettable perils, the general plot of the earlier stuff runs as a rejection tango- Superman as Clark gets pushed aside by the modern career woman Lois, who is, herself often depicted as chafing against her gender strictures and happily shrewish and controlling. She’s an Intrepid Reporter, of the kind that chases a scoop past sanity, and after being rescued a few times, develops a thing for manly-man superman, while overlooking her coworker- well actually she seems to like him a fair bit. They go on dates a hell of a lot for someone who is beneath her notice.

Of course she’s generally written as smugly thinking how nice it is she has Clark wrapped around her finger, something that is also spelled out that Superman knows. It’s dressed up as Charles Atlas-esque “needs a real man!” gender existentialism, and hand waved away that perpetually nebbish Clark is being trapped by his own unwillingness to share who he is. Which is ah…

I think the blonde is Lana. ;)The same artist who did this...

The artist responsible for Superman has a secret identity of his own, the pen behind a notorious book of BDSM comics, that was basically an insexe of its day. The publisher got time in prison, but Shuster escaped un-noticed thanks to anonymity.

But even as Shuster was dropped from his own product (comics are a mean business) that particular dynamic sees its echoes. For example, Superman and his cousin, Lana Lane. It’s essential to the character.

Even with cousin Lana, who knew him growing up.

He wants women who give him shit. Sure, he likes to play alpha when he rescues them, but this is like a guy with foot long cock wearing a falsie so he can have sph. And eventually, because the secret identity plots get resolved (repeatedly) if you tell the story long enough:


Lois, being Lois, even when being called “Young Lady”, still is going to boss Superman around, especially after she confirms she still has the upper hand in this relationship. Because the thing is, he is Clark Kent. Superman is a hyper mascho ideal he puts on to get shit done while still living as who he is, which is a guy who wants to chase women he knows are take-charge and think they are controlling him.

Of course you can take the character in other directions, and sometimes it wanders into tiresome Betty-and-Veronica style love triangles between the ladies in his life or into the wide range of superman being a dick.

However being reject by Lois is so iconic, that even when he comes back from the dead (Death of Superman, a desperate attempt to revive a moribund franchise) he has a shape shifter pretend to be him (as Clark) and have Lois reject the double to throw herself at Superman. We can’t have anyone thinking Lois likes Clark now, can we?

The most recent movie incarnation, as well as making him Jesus, dropped the journalism rejection subplot completely. But even that awkward mess of a movie still kept a bit of dependency. I’ll consider Supes hugging Lois’s legs and crying as fanservice.

God Damn It Breasts!

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Angry little tits...

Lately I haven’t been impressed with my endowments.

My tits generally behave with the same maddening ability not to give a fuck that characterizes the rest of my obviously female bits. They’re like the roommate who is forever yo-yo dieting while you carry on in your balanced way.

Sometimes their big, sometimes they’re small. If I’m on hormonal birth control they are usually big-ish compared to non-pill size, but still vary in that range. If I ever have babies for real, instead of synthetic simulated pregnancies, I expect to join team D cup for more than a day or two. In fact, there’s so much cup variance in a given month, that the next person who tells me in glowing tones to get a bra fitting will be strangled to death with one.

I mean, I like my breasts. They don’t even take any sort of acceptance of unconventional beauty. They seem to think that pointing straight forward is a good idea, and I have just enough nipple not to be insecure. they’re a really pretty pale colour. But they do mean needing to own bras in several sizes, because I range from being able to slip a finger into the cup, to spilling out in that cheap stripper trick to look bustier. I also cope with padded bras, not to look insecure, but for a slightly better fit in my clothes.

I’m also broad shouldered, for a woman, which means they’re wide set. Forget just finding a band size that fits and my official letter, instread there’s all sorts of cup placement fussiness. and, TMI time, did I mention the small amounts of proto-lactation? Perfectly normal, and I think I take after my mother, who after three kids, lactated up until menopause. But, I’m pretty sure given the bizarre behaviour, thus far, if I reproduce also I’m gonna be one of nature’s milk cows. Or they’ll shrink down to As and go as dry as the Sahara, just to prove they are free spirited and unpredictable.

Despite tit problems, they’re also fairly durable and perky- while I’m not a big fan of someone trying to twist and remove my nipples, I really appreciate, during sex, having them compressed, wrung, slapped and squished until the skin blooms with a misting of little red dots, provided it’s from the base and on the meat (err, fat) of the breast. Although, although bondage fans have tried, they slip out of  rope like bloody Houdini. And, grow or shrink, they bounce back without the sort of concerns that seem to dog weight loss. My breasts are thus far immortal.

And, hormonal birth control has one other thing going for it- they are now co-ordinated properly. Basically everyone with breasts has one that’s a bit bigger- humans are not symmetrical and right handed people tend to have slightly bigger pecs on that side. But remember how I talked about them going up and down in size like some sort of squeezey toy? Well, they used to do that on only one side too. It looked something like this:

oO

Where’s your God now, bra fitting evangelists?! 

Hot/Cool Fictional Male “Subs”: Fenris

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Male subs and popular fiction generally have an awkward relationship. Although it’s now acceptable for the hero to end up in handcuffs for hanky-panky (though it’s aways the lady’s idea, to show off that she’s sexually fierce), there just isn’t really good options for an explictly male sub unless he’s a punchline.

But a lot of D/s doesn’t call itself explicitly kinky. It hides in plain site. Just like Catwoman wasn’t literally a dom until Frank Miller got his hands on her, these fictional representations are can even end up informing archetypes and breeding new approaches to kink. The male characters I’m going to talk about here might not be your ideal submissive. They’re not even necessarily characters that get me going, but they’re all guys you’re supposed to regard positively.

Fenris: Pandering To Geeky Femdoms

Fenris according to his corporate picture.First, a tiny bit of background:

Dragon Age is an RPG franchise belonging to Bioware. Thanks to a focus on character interactions and a willingness to pander to everyone, they (and Mass Effect) are particularly beloved among the female half of the gamer population. DA2, part of the series, broke ground both with a heavy effort to push the option for gay/lesbian romances (as well as not making it required, the hero can be asexual if you like) and served up a brooding elvish slave boy for people into heterosexual relationships to drool over..

He’s faye and pretty. He’s got badass tattoos and badass battle skills (and a bit of a bad attitude), but deep inside he’s damaged, wounded and his slave experience is a big part of his sub-plot, while reconciling with that is what he needs for character development. Although the game itself is not as well regarded as some of the other titles in the series, Fenris+femaleProtagonist is popular and as richly fleshed out as the other romance options.

That's the protagonist

(That’s her on top there “LadyHawke”)

Of course it’s Bioware, so everything is in animated barbie-and-ken RPG dollies for actual game footage:

You can also run this scene with him being more fighty and shoving you before you shove him and dissolve into PG-sexy times. I’d also characterize the romance here as something you need to pursue- unlike some of the other characters, this is one where it’s female initiating on male.

The result has meant an outpouring of fan art… Note, most of the stuff is being drawn by women. We like this shit. Attention boys who want to be taken seriously and be seen as masculine and be nurtured, protected and cuddled… and tortured…

Fan art, orgin unknownYou need to give him love!
Subtext- the red thing is the

…there are horny women who really, really want this. For me, with my huge nurturing streak, this one works for me so well I’m embarrassed. I’ve as yet resisted writing bad Fenris fanfic, but I know that I can’t be that unique in my sexuality given what’s out there.

But other than talking about things that get me flushed and flustered, I think another thing that makes these things very worth examining is how they can help us talk about the relationship dynamics we find sexy in a way that doesn’t have quite the same harmful baggage.

What’s your favourite fictional male sub or sub like character?

What Does This Femdom Do With Her Time When She’s Not Dominating?

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No matter how many hours of a day you want to devote to BDSM scenes, there comes a time when you probably need to go do other things like groceries and paying the electric bill or bathing. I mean, perhaps some of you shower dominantly, I honestly don’t know. However, for me, 99% of the time I think life is indistinguishable from anyone who IDs as vanilla.

I’m a bit of a home body. Lately, my time’s been spend on little projects like re-learning CSS and brushing up on some languages. I’d like to say that I spend my time with a finger on the pulse of the kink world, but actually I’m more likely to spend time on Code Academy or Duo Lingo than Kink.com or Fetlife.

I also spend time doing catch up housework. A lot. It’s not that I like doing housework, it’s just that I tend to neglect things until they urgently need taking care of. And I’m not exactly the most organized of people, so only the most simple organizational systems get any sort of useful result. As this is being written I’m getting myself out of dishes debt, one dish drainer full at a time and getting caught up on the laundry.

And yet, I’m not a complete disaster on the domestic front. The other mid-blog interruption is preparing a whole roast chicken alongside and oven tray of lemon-savoury vegetables- that’s onion, carrot, button mushroom and potato prepared with savoury and lemon zest (as well as a drizzle of sunflower oil). Somewhere in the six months after leaving home in my early twenties I developed from rudimentary ability to put edible things in front of other people, to the ability to turn random ingredients into something satisfying.

Of course I have other little projects. The visual art bug hasn’t bitten in a while, but it’s not atypical for me to go through a torrent of doodling and sketching, and then chuck the sketchbook when I’m done. And there’s a half dozen novels- there’s Catamite, which you can read here, and other things less erotically focused. And way more time than I should in internet slap fights, bastions of free and unhindered speech where the watchword runs- I disagree with what you have to say, and I think you should be put to death for saying it.

I round that out by being painfully and unabashedly nerdy. From running around in minecraft to LARPing, I’m past shame about this. It’s fun, and it’s as much a part of my heritage as other families who gather together for a Big Game or go to church every Sunday. My parents met each other, and their respective spouses, through the SCA.

It’s banal, but it’s important because that’s what I decided to invest the bulk of my finite life in. And to be honest, those parts are more the longevity and attraction predictors, more so than mere kinkiness, for finding partners.

So what is the other 23 hours of the day, for you, when it’s not about sex?