Herr Kommandandt Quits. Now What?

nikeHerr Kommandandt has stepped down from his role in Urban Dungeon, and allegedly the BDSM scene. After the number of abuse allegations climbed to 11+ separate individuals with startlingly similar stories of rape, injuries they never consented to, theft and abuse, and a post of mine that made Kinky & Popular on fetlife, there’s some sort of response to all this other than denial. Well, that’s pretty vindicating.

The allegations are getting fully talked about. Other people are talking to MasterSin about the involvement of Montreal Fetish Weekend. I’m getting talked about, in that oblique and careful way that fet does, as a “kinky blogger”. There’s a statement on his profile and in an event thread in the fet group- and one here in the comments of this post from Shawts, which I’ve given a reprint to make it easier to find.

His original statement was in French, so once again D20 has stepped in with his patient translation skill. That guy is a gem of a human. If you see him at one of the munches, please buy him a beverage and tell him nerdy jokes. Seriously.

Herr Kommandandt’s Statement:

Dear Fetlife community,

I address you all in response to what I have read about myself in the past few weeks.

Formerly, impulsive as I was, I would’ve replied immediately, but I wanted to consider the weight of my words and truly think about the matter. For a certain time, as those close to me already knew, I was planning an exit from the fetish scene for an undetermined duration, perhaps even a permanent one.

About two or three months ago, I realized I did not like the person I had become and I asked myself several questions about this subject. Those who have known me for seven or eight years know I am but a shadow of the guy I once was, the friendly and smiling guy, never judging others, never holding a grudge.

It made me realize that, since my breakup with my ex wife, the mother of my daughter, I have been dealing with a major depression for all those years and I did not give the bitterness caused by this breakup the time it needed to heal.

With the years, I became spiteful, moody, I cultivated an unhealthy feeling inside of me and it all affected my actions in my everyday life. I often resorted to negativity and verbal attacks, threats, psychological violence (often without realizing it) and, because of my depression, I was unable to deal with a stable job for medium or long amounts of time.

The advent of Urban Dungeon had worsened these negative feelings and, in the position of power I found myself in, I probably psychologically abused certain people and my recurring poverty meant that, several times, I became dependent of my partners. The taste of power went up to my head. The simple guy became a vindictive, cruel and sometimes illogical guy.

Each breakup in my D/s relationships or love life was epic, laborious and especially complicated. I often only looked at my side of things, without caring about the suffering of others. Sharing my mood swings on social network websites hurt many people… and today, I fully realize it.

Because I love this community, because I gave a lot despite everything, I have made the decision to leave my position as the owner of Urban Dungeon and to cease my BDSM activities.

I’m only a human being, but I did not like what I saw in the mirror when I woke up in the morning. So, a few weeks ago, I took a concrete action to fix my personal problems and as long as my mental and moral conditions do not improve, I will stay away… and I am considering a permanent departure.

I am currently being helped by professionals. Psychiatry and psychology. This help will allow me to thoroughly sort this inner mess, which will certainly require lots of time. It will be painful, but it is time I make this person disappear, this Kommandandt who has been so often talked about in the past few years, and not always for the right reasons.

In the process I have recently begun, I am lucky to have found an angel, a voice of reason, in my submissive, [Faye], who is slowly, and as much as she can, showing me how I can be myself again… how I can become a human being again. Her support is exceptional and I am very grateful of making me rediscover the simple things in life such as happiness, the right path, a life worth living.

So I take the time here to deeply apologize, before leaving, to all those I might have hurt. I was clearly not 100% myself during the past two or three years and I clearly owe you apologies. I have begun to contact each of these persons and to express my regret and present them my sincere apologies (to those who were ready to hear them). To those who wanted to receive them: exes, ex play partners, former friends, etc.

The path I am about to continue on, that I began treading too slowly, this path towards change, permanent change, a return to normal for me, Jack, will be long, painful, but I am ready to face it. I am tired of hurting people I care about, my entourage, and this scene that allowed me to develop myself.

Now that I have identified all my problems and what I must do, I must and will do it. I have already started this process. I will no longer live in negativity nor denial. I will not live in misguided pride. I no longer act in anyone’s name but mine. I will no longer try to run away and I will try to look at problems as they come and attempt to solve them and to make honorable amends at the best of my ability.

With that said, I offer my apologies to all persons, locations, events, venues or other entities to which I might have said things that were either negative, exaggerated or false. I ask all of you to forgive me. It was selfish and irrational of me.

I also offer my apologies to all persons I may have, directly or indirectly, abused of my power or position of power on. I am deeply sorry and I must also work on that important fact. Being a figurehead does not necessarily mean being a harsh dictator or an insensitive being looking for thrills.

I would also like to mention that several people, without naming anyone, out of respect, have deeply hurt me, have harassed me, have caused trouble for my family, have broken my heart and my kidneys… but I forgive you all, each and every one of you, WITH NO EXCEPTIONS. I am tired of living in bitterness, pain and bad memories. I now want to live day by day with a positive mindset.

I have decided to turn a new leaf, to work on myself, no matter how long it will take, even if it takes the rest of my life… so that I don’t make anyone relive these dark years! Not myself and especially not those I love and the woman I love. No one deserved the shitty attitude I may have sometimes displayed.

Now, I take my leave to heal, feel better, take care of myself, my life and my partner. Big thanks to those who have supported me against all odds during all those years, but especially MissOpale who, despite everything, despite certain disagreements, has always been a loyal partner during our adventure. She is also one of the reasons why I am still here, typing behind a keyboard to you today.

The Urban Dungeon was a dream, built with love, passion and in the image of the people that would spend time in it. MissOpale will take my place and will continue the mission of the Urban without me. I will no longer be associated to this place, even if my soul and my heart will remain Urban forever. For the love I have for this community and my friends, I pass the torch. Do not deprive yourself of a beautiful place to play and meet people. And I will add that MissOpale is an extraordinary person. I had become the problem… and I am doing what it takes to fix that problem. I do not deserve a prestigious position at the moment and I especially do not deserve to be a standard bearer. Do not make a venue and fantastic events pay for my mistakes, as it would be unjust of you to make an entire, wonderful team pay for mistakes I have made in the past due to my lack of a better judgement while I was going through depression!

With that said, and with a tear to my eye, I tell you… see you next time, if there ever will be one.

What happens now?

Read the full post »

Something Positive From MTL: A Lingerie for Men Show!

After that necessary barrage of negativity about abuse allegations, and the unhinged messages from special salad man, I want to digress into talking about something pretty neat happening in my city…

A Lingerie for Men Fashion Show!

I often talk about the strictures on men, particularly male subs, not to be objects of sexual desire. As a woman, there are lingerie looks I can try from frothy in ruffles to fierce in leather. As a male, the lingerie for men options usually demand simply cross dress or offer aggressive sports wear or strict bondage looks. The dichotomy is strict- modern masculinity eschews softness. For a gender that is automatically associated with dominance for many people, the list of rules governing what men can’t do without getting their gender questioned is long enough if this were a BDSM contract we’d be telling the top to scale back to something more realistic.

It wasn’t always that way. Once upon a time, men didn’t have to enter the complicated world of gender bending to enjoy lace, but let it burst from beneath their clothes at they collars and cuffs, and hemmed their private linens with the same pride as women.

Enter Wicked Mmm


They have a fashion show on October 20, 2016 that is their brand fundraiser launch. In keeping with the open and forward thinking spirit of Montreal, they are using male, female and non-binary identified models. Although aimed at male leaning persons, their tagline is pretty clear that it’s for all people with packages (even those who pack).

Because nobody consented to be denied lace because of their gender.

If you want to check out their catalog, they have an etsy shop as they continue their ongoing launch. Myself, despite a crazy busy week, I’m planning on making it out to the show- and if you aren’t sold on the lace, there’s a raffle for a number of great services in the city and several of the finest burlesque stars in Montreal strutting their stuff.

Required disclosure: These nice folks aren’t paying me to promote them. I’m not even getting comped tickets, I just like what they are doing. Because I know the team responsible (Mashacat and Willcat), they were nice enough to give me permission to repost from their recent fashion shoot. Those singlets are to die for!

Crazy Messages: Sessions for Salad Dressing Plz?

Salad dressingIt’s not unusual to get unsolicted messages on fetlife, as a woman. For a background my relationship to Wildcard is featured pretty prominently, and my profile is set to events only. If I want to play with someone I prefer to initiate, but this has never deterred anyone.

Special Salad Dressing Man:

I just read your profile for the first time and found it quite interesting. I am 50 years old , a very elegant young 50, nice looking and respectful. I understand all rules I do not play publicly, only privately. I have a great track record with one particular domme in the city who right now happens to be on sabbatical. Would you be interested in talking to me to possibly interview me and see if I could serve you? You seem intelligent and are certainly lovely.

Okay, that wasn’t so bad. I’m not a pro, so this guy is barking up the wrong tree. It hasn’t crashed and burned yet… and he messages again before I even check my mail. This will become a pattern. Note bene, baby subs, do not bombard.

Special Salad Dressing Man:

And by the way I just love your pictures… they are suggestive and yet not tacky in the slightest. I also noticed that you have really really lovely hands and fingers which is somewhat of a thing for me and I should say that by extension I also adore beautiful feet.

Ooops, another message.

Special Salad Dressing Man:

Random thoughts… I have no reason to believe you would ever entertain seeing me much less talking to me especially given that my profile is so obviously better although I will only suggest in self-defense that it is strictly for discretionary purposes. I am as I said I am – very experienced and very polite and have seen who I think is probably the best domme in the city for a long long time.

And another message five minutes later. This guy is jumping in his seat.

Special Salad Dressing Man:

I noticed in your profile where it denotes the things you like… and it says that you like giving fisting which instantly created a lump in my throat!!! which of course goes back to my comment on your beautiful petite hands and fingers…

Okay, hold your horses dude.  Although someone should tell Donald Trump we found him a tiny hands fetishist.

Special Salad Dressing Man:

What is a random make-work order? I sincerely did not mean to give any offense by asking if I could serve you and yes it is premature perhaps of me to have done so but I just thought as I always do to politely ask a question and one is always free to tell me yes or no.

Ugh, time to reign this guy in. My response:

Miss Pearl:

I am at work, so my replies may be a bit succinct.

Here is the leaping off place: http://www.omisspearl.com/i-want-to-serve-miss-pear…

I am not looking for sexual service at this time. I am also not a professional- this is simply my life.

I would not be an easy or fun person to serve for most people. If you are expecting the domintarix experience this is the wrong place to look.

So with that in mind, what is you expectations for what service would involve?

And he responds instantly. He must have came with the excitement.

Special Salad Dressing Man:

To be honest I lead a traditional vanilla life and am a professional…i have played only in sessions as a sub for many years but frankly I’m a little bored and at this point I am not exactly sure what I am looking for per se or how I could maybe be of interest to you and that is as honest as I can be. I do like sessions I do like intelligence I do like creativity but more than that I would ask how would I be able to be of interest to you…

He still seems to think he can book me by the hour. The link, by the way, includes service options like “take pics of cool things you saw” or “share recipes.” He will latch onto that latter thing like a limpet.

Special Salad Dressing Man:

I read your leap off link and perhaps you might think this is funny but I think the only thing I could possibly offer you is a picture of the one and only cake I bake which happens to be phenomenal and incredibly simple! I love cooking and wine so I can offer you pictures of things I make that I usually photograph but more than that I think I would sadly be of no use to you.

No use to me? Yeah, probably, but I try to be polite and respond to every message, even it it’s with constructive criticism. I don’t mind the clinet/pro thing in the abstract, it’s just not the be all and end all of femdom. And of course before I message him again he keeps sending messages to me.

Special Salad Dressing Man:

I was not looking for any sexual services and of course having played were served for many years I know that very first rule. Having said that, if you had nice feet I would love to bring you gorgeous wine in return for being able to worship only your feet. I have very high standards in the company I keep as I suspect you do as well and so if there were anything I could do to convince you that I just might be the needle in a haystack I am ready to do so.

I assure you, he is very, very much looking for sexual services. He continues to send me new messages by way of paragraph breaks.

Special Salad Dressing Man:

As I think I mentioned, the Mistress I served is on sabbatical and so while you seem terribly nice and beautiful and intellectual and very inviting in a certain odd way even though I don’t know you, if I can’t accommodate some of your wishes would you Perhaps know of someone who is off the beaten path somewhat private excellent gorgeous and looking to have a slave serve them in session? I am quite frankly tired of all of the fake inexperienced one leg off the stripper stage Dommes who are anything but that …there is one excellent Domme in my mind in the city and she and I have a great relationship but she is on sabbatical.

 Holy shit dude. I am NOT a booking service, and believe me there is no femdom, pro or non-pro, who wants to listen to you bitch about other women. Sigh, time to set you straight.

Miss Pearl:

You need to stop using me to try to procure you a sex worker (which before you argue, is what pro domination is). That is like going on facebook and asking a random women to find you a girlfriend. Or to be more accurate, asking her to find you an escort. That is weird. O.o

If you want femdom on demand, pay the $300+ an hour for a professional who will give you your fantasy. If you message strictly lifestyle doms like me, we aren’t in it to act like femdom porn, anymore than I suspect your probable wife is the same as a vanilla porn actress.

And fucktard decides he couldn’t possibly be doing something wrong.
Special Salad Dressing Man:

So I can understand your reply and I even thank you for it however what you inferred was not my intention nor do I wish to argue the point I am sure you received so many solicitations that it would lead you to the sort of reply you furnished me with… best to you

There is no honour in herding idiots, but I am a one woman crusade for exceptional honesty.

Miss Pearl:

I will be abundantly clear, serving me is not a neat, tidy experience where you pay-to-play. Not with money, not with wine. In the unlikely event you are actually useful or entertaining to me I would consider it. But you would probably find my idea of fun unsatisfying. Consider that fair disclosure that you would never get what you wanted.

Stupidhead, of course, assumes we are now haggling. I imagine this is the best response he’s gotten in months.
Special Salad Dressing Man:

I still may be interested but perhaps you can give me a sense of what it is you would be willing to entertain and then we can either decide to move forward or not but I am interested and I am in open-minded person

He wants to know my price.

Miss Pearl:

I gave you a list.

It would be dishonest to say that I wasn’t still poking him just to see what stupid would come out next.
Special Salad Dressing Man:

I guess ‘fun’ is the operative word and certainly subjective but like I said I am open minded and I am definitely not judgemental

Ok, whatever dude. In the unlikely event the next message is a baked brie with pine nuts… eh. Whatever. I don’t buy lottery tickets but if you say things I want to hear I talk to you.
Miss Pearl:

Have fun with the list. If I see anything come of that, my consideration extends from there.

Nope, fucktard doesn’t get it. But now he wants to talk about the most personal thing he can find in my blog. He’s like an anti-pick up artist!

Special Salad Dressing Man:

If you are referring to pictures of baked goods and graphic arts services and other things on the list such as tipping as one would a street performer then I guess I would just have to say those are nice things one would do it’s not my idea of fun per se although the The locational sharing of recipes and transfer of foodie pictures is fun amongst my friends and myself and we do it often. I will say though that I had fun reading some of your writings. I even read about your estranged relationship from your mother which I have no right to comment on but I did read it

More messages. Demands now. Gotta check the teeth and kick her tires, right?

Special Salad Dressing Man:

I am quite sure you do not have any more time for me so I will just have one simple question which i will have left my imagination or perhaps you can post one…do you have nice feet …because I adore your hands 🙂

Maybe you can also tell me what is it you like most about fisting?

Note he’s back to femdoms-are-fetish machines. First he tries to buy foot “worship” with wine, but since that didn’t tempt me he’s going to try something else.

Special Salad Dressing Man:

I just read your last message and so if I send something for half interesting or a delicious recipe to your PO Box you might consider something else?

New message again, still at least five minutes apart. Wait for it…

Special Salad Dressing Man:

For example do you like salad? I might be prepared to some send you something very utilitarian that could be used every day… 🙂


Miss Pearl:

Clearly I have horrifying bird talons hidden under my long skirts, which I use to rend people who ask for free sex chats disguised as polite inquiry into my personal life.

And he’s a liar, having just asked about fisting/feet pics.

Special Salad Dressing Man:

Once again I think you have misunderstood. I am not looking for free sex chats or even paid ones. It was simple curiosity.

Ignoring him again.

Special Salad Dressing Man:

Do you like salad?

Still ignoring. Again with the salad.

Special Salad Dressing Man:

Because what I might offer you is a 120-year-old recipe that is said to be the best anyone has ever tasted. And i do not give this out light’y.

Is it like the Neiman Marcus cookie recipe?

Special Salad Dressing Man:

And by the way I only asked you questions that you yourself had written or commented on in your profile

Ah the old “I am entitled to demand you elaborate on everything sexual because you are not in a burkah” logic.

Special Salad Dressing Man:

Like you I do not give things away for free so if you want to see something fabulous arrive in your PO Box I would have to know what “other considerations” could possibly entail and then and only then will I decide if I want to shoot first. Most sincerely.

Hey lady, I have SALAD DRESSING FOR YOU! Y U no want my salad?!

Special Salad Dressing Man:

You may be busy although I suspect you’re just generation YS and E

Generation what? Okay, nevermind, he flounces.

Special Salad Dressing Man:


But the next day he’s back! With more salad dressing to tempt me with!

Special Salad Dressing Man:

So you want a kick ass salad dressing that will Give you culinary pleasure for the rest of your life and in return I would potentially get what 1,2, sessions with you, if that and maybe never even one, and I’m supposed to just send you the best salad dressing ever on the planet?

Ok dude, your wife is probably looking for where her salad dressing went.  Public service time.

Miss Pearl:

A) I am not for sale. I write (free!) erotic fiction, organize fetish events, etc… But I do not offer “sessions”. Sessions are a strictly professional dominatrix thing. Don’t cold call lifestyle doms for sessions, it is the kink version of trying to hire someone as a hooker on facebook.

B) The women who do sell services charge upwards of $350 an hour and are not available for salad dressing or “nice” wine. In my case the answer is no even if you busted out your checkbook and paid the market rate.

However, think I see why you are having problems finding a naturally dominant women. You treat all of us like fetish delivery services and your pretensions of luxury exceed your budget by a large margin.

I occasionally choose play partners outside of my relationship, but you have completely failed to pique my interest, despite me being incredibly patient and up front about what my interests and needs are. It is noteable how little interest you have in me as a person that you still leapt to trying to buy me, despite all the other options.

You also persisted in trying to get me to discuss thrusting my hand into your anus. Dude, I don’t know you. Just because a woman is open about her sexuality does not mean she was put on this earth for your personal titillation.

Leaving aside your obsession with treating all doms like pros, you are clearly married/sneaking about and the literal age of my father, you are tedious, needy and offer so little satisfaction to an actual “lifestyle” dom that I am confident you will never get what you are looking for.

But the last word must be had so… I should mention that while he was derping out about his SPECIAL SALAD DRESSING I was busy telling the guy who assaulted me to get bent.

Special Salad Dressing Man:

A very angry soul indeed…. how sad

After this last reply from me he blocked me, muttering something about entitled fakes.

Miss Pearl:

Aww, muffin, you think someone trying to buy a foot job with two buck chuck is in a position to be patronizing. That’s adorable!

Gracious he was verbose! Well, I hope he brings entertainment to all of you- some of you did ask why I was sniggering about salad. It never persists to amaze me how much guys think that a femdom is automatically A) available and B) owes them their fetishes served with a smile.

The picture was randomly selected from http://food.allwomenstalk.com/simple-salad-dressings-from-some-easy-base-recipes

Herr Kommandandt, Abuse & Montreal Fetish Weekend Pt. 4

new mfwurban logoOne of the more long running, cross-scene kink events is the Montreal Fetish Weekend, a multi-day little sister of things like the Folsom Street Fair. Taking advantage of the city’s traditionally liberal attitudes, it’s a giant party and celebration of BDSM and fetish. Unfortunately not only is Herr_Kommadant a regular volunteer, but his venue, Urban Dungeon, is closely affiliated. This year (2016) it was one of the venue spaces used with a great deal of cross promotion.

For Herr_Kommandant’s alleged victims, this creates a great deal of stress because it creates the impression that his (alleged) behaviour is condoned by the larger community.

As I already mentioned in my last post on the subject, different event organizers in Montreal have taken different positions on the subject, some explicitly supporting Herr Kommandant and some condemning or even confirming that they witnessed dubious behaviour. Montreal Fetish Weekend became aware of the issues shortly after I posted the first blog post, and their original organizer (MasterSin) reached out to me to schedule a meeting.

We met last week, and here’s how it went.

He listened, but it is his position that he does not discuss allegations of any kind. This included presenting any evidence to him or providing his own opinion other than that it is very serious and not to be taken lightly.

MasterSin explained that he had discussed with his lawyer and that participating in a conversation about possible abuse in the BDSM community might make him an accessory in a police investigation.

He also stressed the role that Herr_Kommandant had in supporting the staffing of the event he oversees. He feels that if he personally witnesses something he intercedes, but he does not feel that anything other than being present (or the intervention of the police) are adequate means to intervene. It is demonstrable that Montreal Fetish Weekend does not have a formal harassment or abuse policy in place for internal handling. They do, however, hire security personnel for the large events like the annual masquerade and latex fetish ball.

It will be interesting to see if Urban Dungeon keeps their close affiliation next year. Montreal Fetish Weekend certainly made their entire team open to contact but it’s hard to tell if it’ll have any impact on global opinion of the internationally known event.

I should also probably address the threats and warnings I got.

Outside of the conversation I had and hints made that I too could be dragged into a police investegation, I’ve been told I could be sued a lot. It’s important to stress that it is very unlikely that a libel case would be successful in Canada. This comes up whenever you talk about abuse in the community, that someone could sue you for defamation. This is not the UK or even the US- it’s challenging to get traction on these matters and since all I am claiming in the truth (I received 8+ allegations and in my judgement this is troublesome) or that Herr_Kommadant has a reputation, a fact that even those close to him have affirmed, it doesn’t fit the guidelines for slander.

As far as a criminal inquiry into Herr_Kommandant, I’m ok with being questioned. I hardly want my sexuality being made public, but can survive being outed with only moderate discomfort,

My perspective is that I care about the (alleged) victims getting help and support, and I am tired of them being frightened of everyone judging them poorly for something that happened to them. I am tired of not being able to trust experts and venue owners based on a flow of stories about people, particularly women, who have been assaulted.

This has to stop. I’m a relative nobody- my opinion is not all that important, but if I have any social capital at all I will happily put it in a pile and set fire to it if it protects anyone else from being abused, having their consent violated or any of the other terms we use to describe being on the receiving end of fucked up behavior.

Following Along?


Femdom Review: SVACOM Cathy, Yay or Nae?

svacomSVACOM asked me to review a part of their catalog, the pink silicone skin vibrator titled “Cathy”. There’s only one problem, I generally find 99% of vibes, through no fault of their own, leave my lady parts cold. And numb. But still, here I am with a $ vibrator and wondering how to give it a fair shake.

Enter my friend Mrs. Castle. My neighbour and frequent tea companion, this woman is one of the lovely extra bright points in a life that’s already filled with some pretty sparkly people. She is able to give it a thorough testing, so when Svacom sent me the toy to test I was able to do a quick hand off and, within short order she had news to share.

Let’s see how Mrs. Castle enjoyed her date with Cathy?

Today I spent an hour getting intimate with my new friend Cathy. Cathy is Svakom’s much touted ‘Ultra-Soft Silicone Vibrator’, which comes in pink, or PINK.  The one gifted me by Miss Pearl is decidedly PINK (though on their site, Svakom calls it ‘Plum Red’). Cathy is a generous 180mm long, and 90mm wide, and so if you are not comfortable with a decent girth, you might consider being very liberal with your lube before playing with her. She is also waterproof, and made of eco-safe materials. She functions on polymer lithium rechargeable battery, and has a continuous working time of roughly 2 hours.

One thing that sets Cathy apart from other vibes is the ‘Svakom Intelligent Mode’. I admit, I was skeptical when I read that in the user guide, but it was actually fairly pleasant. It has a nice slow teasing build, which I did like, though I found the ‘climax’ period of the cycle to be far too short for my personal taste. Still, it is a far better cycle of vibration than I’ve tried with other similar toys in the past, and I mostly did like it. Happily, you can press the arrows to shift modes at any time to make your experience more or less intense.

Another feature I was very impressed by was how SILENT Cathy was. Svakom promises their toys are ‘whisper quiet’, and they really delivered on that front. I could only hear the faintest thrum of the motor, but only just. It was nice, and as such did not distract me from my self-pleasuring mission. I am sure that if others were home, they would have had no idea what I was up to.

I also want to highlight how wide Cathy is, and that she is a shapely toy. Many vibrators out there are pretty dull, and slim, and honestly do little for me. Cathy was wide, enough that I was surprised by it, and it made for a much more pleasant experience. She is also tapered, so you can insert to the girth you like best, though I found it to be the most comfortable when I had the vibrator in as fully as was possible without losing the control buttons.

My main critique would be that the design leads to some small frustration because the control buttons do end up very close to buried within you. Some sort of remote to control the settings would have been nice, and could lend itself well to more partner-play too.

Did Cathy do the job? I would say that she’s certainly a fun ride, if not a thorough one. I am one of those who requires far more clitoral stimulation than just vaginal, but I did enjoy the internal stimulation a fair amount. Cathy is a long girl, and I do really like being deeply penetrated, which was also agreeable. I also liked the feel of the ‘ultra-soft silicone’ as opposed to regular silicone or other materials I’ve seen used. I found that the sensations were well delivered, as well as thoughtfully-timed when I was playing with the ‘Intelligent Mode’.

7.5/10 will diddle with again.

What do I think of the SVACOM Cathy?

I like that it’s a rechargeable cordless vibe, although lurid pink is not my favourite, aesthetically. The promotional material hilariously promotes everywhere you could use it other than intimate purposes- a not unfamiliar quirk in a world where sex toys fall on the cusp of legal in some region and the framing is everything. I can’t see myself using it as a massage wand for my shoulder the way I will use a rumbley work horse like the good old Magic Wand.

On the other hand, the Svacom Cathy seems just as solid as her other, well more known cousins from established brands. Her price is not low budget ($95 US), but the build quality in comparable to similarly priced toys in other lines. She doesn’t horrify based on materials. Whisper quiet without sacrificing power is pretty key to self diddling, whether you are college aged and living with the ‘rents or living with kids who’ll ask why mommy is buzzing at night.

Okay, but why should I care?

A diversity of sex toys encourages exploring new designs (all the better for a diversity of bodies!) and well as driving the overall price. Although this is a first time with Svacom it will be interesting to see where the brand takes their output next.

Review disclosure: I got the SVACOM Cathy for free and shared it with my friend, who I allowed to keep it because A) used sex toy and B) she evidently enjoyed it enough it’ll keep being used.

(They offered a coupon code, if such a thing is applicable to you: specialdisc20 a $20 discount.)

Urban Dungeon & Herr Kommadant Pt. 3

new mfwurban logoWondering what this is? Start here.

So, in response to making the allegations public, at my current count we have one well meaning unrelated interloper doing the false accusations hurt people shtick and 4 our so people directly connected to Urban Dungeon or Herr Kommadant, 3 of those who acknowledge that he has a reputation, whether or not they choose to take it seriously. And an outpouring of support. Yaye guys.

I am actually inclined to be patient with the former, as bystanders have less obligation to speak for anyone other than themselves, but I can say in my perspective, Opal (Co-owner of Urban Dungeon), Happy Boobologist (the “Happy Munch”) and Shawts (25 to 45 Munch) have made it explicitly clear they will happily organize events at a venue owned/run by someone with multiple allegations outstanding.

Urban Dungeon’s Associated Persons are Not Handling This Well

All these individuals are more concerned with silencing dissent about the venue than dealing with the problem. They are not at all concerned with taking steps to address these allegations other than insisting a higher standard (police reports, in particular, which you know are scarce even in vanilla circumstance) although they are happy enough to pay lip service to the idea that they are totally open to victims talking to them, nothing about their behaviour or actions has indicated they plan to take anything seriously.

Perhaps none of these persons is aware that they are making a hostile environment that is contributing to the issue at hand. I will say if at *my* munch it was discovered that a volunteer or fellow organizer have numerous allegations outstanding I would (and did!) consider it way more of a priority than shutting up the person who brought it to my attention so that my business or parties were not impacted.

I know first hand how upsetting it is to discover that not only was someone you trusted not who you thought they were, but also the feelings of guilt in being complicit by legitimizing someone who did not respect consent. But you have to do the right thing because if you are going to make yourself responsible for hosting or organizing, you are 100% responsible for putting people at risk.


Alleged survivors/victims remain frightened of consequences. I would like to see due legal process followed, but it is understandable that asking someone to out themselves (remember we can use pseudonyms here, but the cops will not accept anything but legal names and the intimate details of your private life, something that they are under zero expectation to understand or accept) is a tough order of business. Police were talked to, but proved to be somewhat difficult to gain the attention of- remember that our entire way of doing the public sexy stuff took relatively recent legal challenges, and at this time buying sex, profiting from the sale of sex and third-party advertising are all illegal– Montreal is a generally liberal area, but it would be foolish not to say there is a stigma attached to what we do.

Yes, there will probably be further attempts at police but that is entirely up to the victims. And FFS people, the reason why I am doing this is because right now many of the people who believe they were victimized feel there is a consensus supporting Herr Kommadant. I am having a hard time arguing that it would be safe for them to go public when multiple organizers acknowledge his terrible reputation, but don’t care and are annoyed I’m talking about it.

Ok, so what does Miss Pearl want from this?

I want nobody with any degree of power in the Montreal BDSM community to be able to say they didn’t know about the allegations. I want to call out people who make a hostile space to discuss abuse within the BDSM community, or for that matter insist that we are a healthy, safe space while trying to force truly toxic things into the shadows without acknowledging them.

If you want to help…

  • If you have survivor resources in Montreal, leaving them in the comments would be a good idea.
  • If you have been victimized or witnessed victimization I will listen.
  • If you want to affirm that you respect the right of survivors not to be re-victimized, leaving a comment is more than welcome.

Follow along here:

Herr Kommandandt + Urban Dungeon Pt. 2

new mfwurban logoSo the post I did last about Herr Kommandant wasn’t a spur of the moment thing.

Specifically I started getting tips about three weeks ago, and poked about for more info on my own. I only decided to go this public because when I independently investigated, I found piles of corroboration. Thus, I can verify that Herr Kommadant does not have a good reputation in the Montreal community. I can verify that people believe they were emotionally, physically and financially abused by him and that bystanders believed they witnessed inappropriate behaviour.

The more public I get, the more feedback I get, almost all of it affirming the conclusion I reached. Tragically, when I started talking poking at this, the first thing that happened was not mass shock about how this person could possibly be bad, it was a collective shrug of frustration: “Oh him. Yeah. Everyone knows about him.”

So what followed the last post?

The guy behind Montreal Fetish Weekend reached out to listen to what is going on. He’s being professional and calm about this, and given all my interactions with him to this point, I would describe him as someone trying to hammer something functional out of the scene as-is. We’ll see how he handles this, but he did manage to dissociate himself from Dunter, so even if you aren’t a fan of the more commercial/traditional fetish side of the scene, he at least has past evidence of shaking entrenched toxic people from his projects.

I got a lot of private messages and gentle back pats that I bothered to make such a hard stand on the subject, and various people affirming either they saw things that made them uncomfortable or that they were victimized. The more I hear, the more I feel like I made the right call.

Other than that, I got two impassioned replies in the comments, from his business partner Opal Blacke and one of his current partners, PetiteFay_HK. Their arguments boiled down to claiming this was the ill words of vindictive exes (or other event organizers who were “jealous”).  There’s a revealing problem with their arguments, though:

  • Nothing I said about Herr Kommandandt claimed was an ex partner who was victimized, or for that matter any people who represented themselves as a partner past or present. This tells me that PetiteFay and Opal are both aware that there are multiple people who claim they have received abuse from him.
  • As far as anyone in competition with Urban Dungeon I have heard nothing from them. Other event organizers have wanted a heads up to protect their own guests, but the flow of information has definitely not been vituperative stories about how they are so much better, but people unrelated and not in direct competition saying “really? shit!”.

Since Opal and PetiteFay reached out to counter my conclusion, I’m providing what hey said here- it was originally intended to go in the comments, but the nature of their responses demand additional attention- among many things both fall into the typical patterns of people making excuses for abusers and both have a surprisingly unified narrative suggesting they were aware that something was rotten in the metaphorical state of Denmark.

So, after the jump is two messages from PetiteFay and Opal, for the my more wordy rebuttal.

Read the full post »

Urban Dungeon & Montreal Fetish Scene Issues

new mfwurban logoSo yeah, if you want to deal with missing stairs, unfortunately one of Montreal’s more popular fetish venues is in the middle of one of those scenarios. Urban Dungeon, a play space that hosts numerous events and is closely affiliated with Montreal Weekend, is run by someone with a known reputation for abuse. It is not challenging to find people who will tell you Herr_Kommandandt is a dangerous person. Nonetheless tons of people who are aware of this continue to hang out there including people whose friends (whom they believe!) have had alleged consent violations or other abuse happen to them.

I avoided it personally, because I got a bad gut feeling about the whole thing, one of those intuitive guesses that something seems off- maybe it was the pile of people with resumes for profiles about all the things they are involved in, which I always see as a bad sign because it means they want you to respect them off the bat and award them authority.

And because I run the 18 to 35 munch, people tell me shit. It wasn’t unsurprising to get given a FYI about eight separate incidents and people. But still, it’s really fucking thorny to deal with. There’s literally no way I can stop this, no matter how much social capital I have and the best I can hope is to close ranks with the TNG style stuff I do run and tell my friends and guests to be careful.

But other than that, it’s not like I can go to the police and say “oh by the way there’s alleged alleged abuse going down between kinky people who use psuedonyms, and probably none of the people this happened to will testify because they are utterly fuck terrified of the social or legal consequences and because he preys on people from marginalized populations (sex workers, the mentally ill whom he can say are just “crazy”). Nobody believes or trusts that they’ll be heard in any meaningful way. I sure as fuck don’t- it’s not like anyone listened about Dunter.

I’ve told my fellow organizers at MEOW and the secret TNG play party. I even told someone connected to the Urban Dungeon who has clean hands, in case he’s simply been oblivious. I mean I doubt it, but I’m clinging to the idea that he’s not an accessory because I need some innocence to stay motivated.

But it’s a rock and a hard place, because it’s nearly impossible to get anyone to publicly admit this shit happened to them. They’ll talk, candidly, and off the record, but… eugh.

All I’ve got to go on with this is fleeting social capital, so I guess if I end up publicly known as that crazy vindictive bitch in Montreal I guess you guys know what happened. It’s not like I ever go to Montreal Fetish Weekend anyway.

Siiiiigh. Sorry guys, it’s not a sexy anecdote, it’s one of the harsh realities of the BDSM scene that the terror of being outed and the limited pool of events make things a lot darker than they should be. They’re bigger than me, they have a larger pool of social capital and they have more money than me, but fuck, if I can’t use my popularity to tell people about this what good is it?

If you believe me as a reliable source, stay away from Urban Dungeon.

Follow along here:

Fall, Projects, Relationships and Stuffs

cozyIt’s cuddling weather! <Squeeeeee>

Summer heat saps my energy, zapping my will to move and probably putting me at my most emotionally meh. Yeah, I have air conditioning, but then there’s a noisy fan and that weird dry-cold draft.

For me, the encroachment of fall always comes with a little burst of enthusiasm for life, something about the colour of the light, and the cool air. I’m about as far from Agrarian/Pastoral as you can get without living on the ISS, but the moment I can put on thick knit black tights is the moment I start skipping and hopping about.  And it’s the time when Wildcard stops scuttling to his side of the bed with a “don’t touch me you’re too WARM!!! T_T”

So what’s up with me?

The massive (vanilla) project I embarked on at the start of 2016 is starting to settle down, so as of February 2017 I have actual breathing room to work on other projects. The blog overhaul is basically done, although I might look into a better mobile browsing template and tweak a few things, for example making the title and logo smaller. I like it, but yes it occur

Again, a big thank you to the various people who helped out, particularly the Phantom Reviewer and the people who drove themselves crazy trying to figure out the source of the mystery space in my sidebar design. That’s resolved and my general web presence is much more part of a connected unified whole. I know because I’ve started getting messages on fetlife and elsewhere from blog fans going “ZOMG IT’S YOU!”

For such things does one write.

Yeah, yeah what about the porn?!

Writing-wise, as of January, I have a few projects I want to work on, including finishing up some story requests from people- JT is due for a misuse-of-professor story, while I have a second chapter of this superman porn parody 3/4 done, and of course that sequel to The Pet Gentleman is languishing, waiting or me to sit down and finish it already. Part of my goal for the first 6 months in 2-17 are setting aside time to bash what’s written into some semblance of sharable- something that’s been embarrassing delayed in a George RR Martin fashion for far too long.

That’s not even mentioning that I’d really rather be creating more general femdom stories for the blog than my current once every three months output. I suspect I’m not posting as much because I am getting exceptionally focused on perfection. The Friday femdom fiction in particular tends to stretch too damn long when I start writing them, which is the antithesis of what started as 500 word shorts to be dashed off in quantity. I managed one last week, but I can’t say I expect to have breathing room until October has passed.

Also video

In the mean time, I’ve also gotten into doing Periscope live feed videos, with an eye to eventually creating a youtube show. The trick is, of course the topic as I am currently just rambly, which is a topic in its own right, but I feel like I need more effort. Maybe I’ll vlog! Part of that is I finally said fuck it and put myself out there- I spent a good part of the last decade being careful “just in case” and have come to believe that while I don’t want to be stalked and harassed as much as the next person, I am never going to be vanilla-important enough to be penalized if I get recognized at my day job.

For the record, my day job is something that uses all those obnoxious high school math things I was very sure I wouldn’t need. Basically imagine me wearing a giant pair of headphones and hiding in a back cubicle somewhere slapping data into shape, not exactly the career path that gets derailed when someone sends your boss a nasty letter telling them that they employ a woman who likes certain aspects of sex. Also I’m out to my parents (my dad approves of my art as long as it makes money, I’m estranged from my mother, but she knows this exists).

So yeah, if you do Periscope, you can hear my voice and watch me flop about in hilariously low res. Also see the derp-tastic thumbnails the app captures. o_-

Love? Kink scene?

Wildcard and I are moving towards year 3 of our relationship. The official date is fuzzy, since we basically fell into bed shortly after he broke up with his ex, but held off putting a precise label on it for a while after, even if I have basically been living with him since November of 2013. We continue to be a part of the Montreal kink scene, with me running my monthly munch for four years, more or less. (Eeesh)

My love life goes as it should. It is not a D/s or M/s relationship, but it is a femdom relationship in the sense that I am a female dominant and I am in the relationship. Yeah, it’s complicated, but honestly if other people’s anecdotes are anything to go by, an explicitly power exchange dynamic isn’t really easier or more smoothly role defined.

Meanwhile the 18 to 35 meetup is one of Montreal’s more popular, long running events, filling a much needed niche and spawning other events. I won’t call them “copycat”, but they’re certainly on the same theme:  a 25-45 event, and 45+ exclusive thing. Although they are by function exclusionary, they end up creating more participation by serving one or more specific groups, sometimes accidentally- 1835 ate the flailing QueerNonBinaryLesbian bits that weren’t all supported at the time, and although there’s now a woman only munch (M.E.O.W.) I benefited from being a good space for lovely people.

Now we’re continuing to evolve as the kink scene in Montreal continues to get larger and larger. My biggest challenge for the coming months will be maintaining the great culture of the group, which is not a bad problem to have. That and at 30 I eventually need to consider phasing out of this and finding qualified volunteers to take over.

So I’m very much looking forward to what the end of the year will bring, but also the potential to hunker down and take a well needed break.

Art is borrowed from Hannah Hamilton of Verbal Vomit.

Friday Femdom Fiction: Her Hooded Fuck Toy

Fuck me.

There was an intense urgency to her command that carried through his hood. He could not see her body, couldn’t smell or taste her, and all sound was filtered through the leather.  He was laced in and then the D rings at the back of his head had been locked together with little padlocks. There was no way he was getting out unless someone else undid things for him or he somehow found a knife and slit it off.

But he could feel her. His hands were unbound and he located her legs and the smooth squish of the warm skin, felt the chill of her foot brush against him, before blindman groping his way between her thighs. She was slick enough the coarse curls were soaked, the lips feeling like little folded tongues as lined himself up.

His cock was erect at her command. In the hood he had nothing to do but kneel on the cushion and edge, feeling the plug lodged against his prostate, and keeping himself on a cycle of sensitivity. when she left him like that he lost track of time, lost track even of how many times he’d had to hold off short and get his breathing under control.

The room was very cool, almost uncomfortably so, to make prolonged hood.ing bearable. Even so it was almost too stifling to be covered like this and do his best to breath through the mesh of pinholes over hid mouth and nose.

She helped him get properly lined up and in- even voraciously aroused her cunt constricted. Dutifully, desperately, he made pumping thrusts. He hoped she didn’t ask for more as between the edging and the plug he wasn’t sure how much he could hold off. Of course this was no barrier to her. Her fingers tug into the muscle of his butt and she repeated herself again.

Fuck me.

She looked up at the almost featureless hood, seeing the sweat bead on his skin. The mask had a slight protrusion over his nose, while the regular pattern of tiny breathing holes gave him a permanent look of blind surprise. Without her ability to see him, he was no longer her boyfriend with the sun spatter of freckles and the dark coiled up hair that always tangled if it got longer than an inch, just the pumping engine for the cock that she’d engulfed.

She grabbed him, inside, with her thighs, fingers scoring his bare back,”Fuck me, fuck me, fuck me!”

His chest pulled up away from her even as his hips ground against hers. She was always so shy about her desires until the hood went on and the locks snapped shut. Earlier, when they were shy new lovers, she had baffled him that someone so outspoken in their faily life needed the lights off, and kept so quiet in bed. But now, in control, the lights were blaring bright, letting her admire the long lined of his body- crevice, muscle, vein, dark, but not as dark as the black leather of the hood.

With a guttural noise, she spurred him harder, with the casual lack of care she’d switch her vibrator to a higher session. Let him worry about holding off orgasm, all she wanted was the spasms of coming around him over and over again.

By the third time she came, and she knew that even through the hood, he heard her screaming, he was fighting her, fighting to stop before the building tension sent him past the point of no return. But it was too late and a spatter of warm and wet burst free just as he struggled out of her cunt, hitting in a messy clump on her lap. She laughed. “Ooops.”