9 Reasons to Block and Delete a Sub Sending You a Message

letter2Female dominants get messages, partnered or unpartnered, searching or trying to hide. In honour of the recent batch of crazy letters and threats, I’ve created a quick guide for new femdoms for signs you should save yourself the trouble and delete the message now. If any of these nine behaviors have come up in the guy’s efforts to talk to me, I’ve never found any good was going to come out of the interaction.

1) Tries to rapidly escalate or control the conversation medium. If you’re on a dating site, they try to push for an in person meeting immediately. If you’re online, they try to get you to give them more contact information right away or keep pushing to switch to another medium, eg going from email to chat, or guessing at your geographic location (such as “did I see you on X street?”)

Why this is bad: Taking the time to feel comfortable is important when you’re getting to know new people, among many things because it lets you figure out who they are on your own terms. Someone who pushes you this way doesn’t care about this and may even want you to disregard something about them you would pick up on if you took your time.

2) Instantly appears enamored of you and/or tries to force a D/s dynamic right away. They greet you with loud and hyperbolic praises, more so than simply a polite, respectful compliment or two – or they start trying to sub to you right off the bat. Alternatively, within a handful of messages you are, according to them, the best person they have ever met.

Why this is bad: An actual attachment to someone takes knowing them – anything else is fantasy they’ve created in their heads. The problem with being put on a pedestal this way is that if you do anything to topple off your perch, you are put at risk for them not being able to handle reality.

3) Only seems to know about femdom from porn. They have a particular, rigid understanding of roles and relationships and seem startled when anything deviates from their script. For example, they don’t seem to know negotiated limits are a thing or think dominants and subs are a special class of people under different rules than everyone else.

Why this is bad: If we were a few decades ago, the lack of material available would make this attitude slightly more forgivable. These days, the sheer wealth of knowledge presented to the newly self identified as kinked means that anyone with an internet connection can find scads of teaching resources. Therefore it shows a disproportionate willingness to let what they want to be true be the case, and more to the point, they’ve absolved responsibility for themselves.

4) Instant or whirlwind courtship commitment. From the word go they are already sure you are the one. They will relocate, marry you, whatever. Their heart is, according to them, true, and belongs only to you. This is probably combined with #2 – in their eyes you are the best and most beautiful and they want your collar NOW.

Why this is bad: Once again, this person is chasing a feeling more than trying to have a meaningful, nuanced relationship. This also tends to be a pattern in people with personality disorders- super epic passion followed by a crash when they stop being able to sustain things.

5) Claims they “read all your profile” or writing, but can’t answer simple questions about it, or takes and approach counter to what you’ve written about yourself and your preferences. You say you want a poly relationship and they talk about monogamy. You say you are a down to earth tomboy and they talk about how feminine you are. You say you hate being called titles and they open with ‘Mistress’.

Why this is bad: Being forced into being a fantasy prop is a perennial problem for femdoms, and also this sort of nonsense is proof of the person’s willingness to lie to you from the start, instead of saying “I liked what I read so far”.

6) You have a really bad feeling about this. Something feels off, but you can’t put your finger on it and you feel bad about not giving them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe they are just awkward or have a socialization disorder?

Why this is bad: Trust your gut. Women, in particular, are taught to disregard symptoms of dislike and make nice and forgive. Protect yourself. Even if you feel like a meanie – adults with social problems aren’t automatically allowed to put you at risk by trying to be open minded and most actually awkward people are balls of blushing apologies, not the type of people who make you feel itchy under your skin.

7) They have nothing nice to say about other people. All the other femdoms were findoms or fakes. They were crazy or ugly. You’re different of course! Not like their bitch ex- or their wife who’s a prude, their abusive parents or shitty boss.

Why this is bad: Everyone knows some bad people in their life, but if all the people they know are horrible by their description it’s statistically more probable they are the problem. and cross them and you will be just another fake who hurt them, according to what they tell the next woman.

8) They start telling you what to do, or expressing really strong preferences about other people or you. Maybe it’s phrased as introducing themselves, but they want to make sure you know that they like a particular thing, for example they start worrying about you getting fat or thin, they make appearance based suggestions or offer unsolicited critiques.

Why this is bad: This person is a controlling jerk who thinks they are just being honest. they won’t care about you except such that they can cram you into the shape they wish you were.

9) They want to talk about what gets them or you off in detail right away. You get asked to describe scenarios, share your fantasies, or they just won’t STFU about co-eds in ballet flats or busty trans leatherwomen.

Why this is bad: Wanker! This person is going to try to use you to titillate them. If their fantasy talk is all you want, good, but don’t expect things to get better or to focus on anything other than immediate gratification.

With this sort of winnowing in mind, consider it a chance to save your valuable time for only the worthwhile people. And remember, you don’t owe anyone a chance more than you deserve to feel safe.

What did I miss? What are your favourite signs that things just not going to go well?

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Reader Letter: Ronald Gill Follow Up

So as a follow up to me going public with Ronald Gill, as mentioned in my last blog post, Ferns of Domme Chronicles mentioned on twitter this little pustule was blistering up her inbox as well -although he was being relatively innocuous, if trying to rush interactions with her like a creep is to be considered normal. Upon Ferns discovering his behavior towards me, he obviously got told to hop it.

And of course he decided to flip his wig and send me a long, rape threat laden rant in response.

Pearl,
Fuck face, how are you cunt?  That was a neat post and I love my name (which obviously is not mine anyway) being posted on your website/blog.
Should I thank you for that?  Perhaps not.  Perhaps I should let you suck my cock for free.
Perhaps United Nations must award you for some great work for your research on my location you ugly cunt..seriously..wait..I am not joking..lol.
So you think posting about me on your blog will not stop me from meeting you soon and raping the sit out of you you dumb ass? lol
Nice try though, I expected a coward like you was at least capable of doing that you dumb fuck. Lol
Who cares who your ex is?  Who cares who the whore you are?
The fact is Pearl is a whore as much as sun rises in the east.
Did a dog rape your mom or did your father rape a donkey?
Well Pearl, nice try though, dumb ass.
You proved yet again that you are a filthy piece of shitty fuck meat, who will have a hot iron rod plunged deep into your pussy soon.
Try more, post more if you like.  Will that make you find me?  Sure, when I will be raping the shit out of you you hag.
Ron

Aww, muffin! Apparently it didn’t occur to him that doms talk to each other.

He’s also particularly fixated on the WHORESWHORESWHORES aspect, as well as rape and miscellaneous animals – methinks he moonlights as a Game of Thrones villain when he’s not camped out being rejected by femdoms. Because I can bet large amounts of money every single interaction he’s ever tried with a woman online has resulted in her ignoring him through to outright blocking.

And that’s going to happen when he creates a new persona that’s not “DrRonald” the medical missionary, because he’s going to give off the exact same sketchy, off vibe I got the first time he hit my inbox, and the same pushy, stupid cliche and porn fed approach that causes anyone but a professional with the patience of Buddha to auto delete (and most pros to delete with extreme prejudice as well).

I do, however, feel sorry for the women who are new to this. For people like Ferns and I, it sucks, but it’s like the legally permitted amount of animal wastes in human food – it’s there but you generally just try not to think about it. But I’d hate to think if he was your first message and not the 300th time you’ve dealt with the whip around “waah, you don’t want me so now I hate you!”

Of course I’m not particularly concerned that he will actually physically come to my location- the serial and absurd levels of lying means that he’s clearly someone usually happily buried in a fantasy life- probably not very geographically mobile at all, probably trying to hid from the miserable limitations of knowing he’s an unfortunate human being- and indeed as Wildcard observed, these outbursts of crazy are on profile with the reactions of someone lashing out when their delusions are called into question.

Regardless, the trotgill@yahoo.com and all his other aliases (eg “drronald777″ on skype, or rudyk) are done, at least in so far as their being a public record of his behaviour. Even before he went nuts, both Ferns and I smelled a rat and looked him up within a few messages- and I really can see the name-n-shame approach is really the best way of handling this sort of abusive nonsense.

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Crazy Messages: Why Ronald Gill will never find a femdom

So a couple of weeks ago, I got another contender for the spot currently occupied by “Jeremy Smith”. For a little while I hesitated to publish this for a number of reasons. First of all, the challenge with getting crazy, entitled messages is that the people who send them probably know better already. As I’ve stated in my FAQ, abusive messages result in naming and shaming. I don’t feel particularly mean here- this isn’t doxing as the guy has m4femdom ads under several versions of this name or other names than Ronald Gill an easy Google search away. Plus, there’s a lot of advice oriented around not poking the crazy after it shows its true colours. And this guy decided what I really needed in my life was a rape threat.

Now as far as messages, Ron opened with yet another standard, relatively innocuous plea that I appear to be genuinely into this stuff, although he didn’t really provide any information about himself other then the field he worked in, and the sort of grammar structure that hints ESL, suggesting this was an international solicitation.  Basically just spam, since I’m not exactly hanging out a shingle saying ‘dominant for all”, but the sort of thing that happens because if you are apparently female that means that people think you want to be partnered with them with a little coaxing.

In so far as unsolicited come ons, I have a policy of declining people with an actual response, and if their approach is too far off the mark, telling them so. In Ron’s case I was mostly baffled why he thought I was interested and told him as much, querying why he thought I’d want a complete stranger in a geographically remote location.

Contact with him merely made him think he was being considered, and I learned he was under the impression that Wildcard and my Ex were the same person, that I had made Wildcard into my slave after a breakup. Ron was apparently all set to make the jump from Seattle to Canada based purely on my status as a female dominant. Now as a relationship progresses that might not be unhealthy goal for an LDR, but keep in mind this guy was anxiously waiting for  yes so he could file for a transfer at his job- before he new my real name or even whether or not I wasn’t  raving psychopath. But, he claimed, there just wasn’t anyone available in Seattle.

For anyone sensible, warning bells were already sounding when someone living in a major american city claims to have only met professionals and findoms. Not even “I’ve met many nice dominants, but they all seem to be in relationships/do not suit” but that this guy genuinely seems to think what he met was all there was, and his reading comprehension was just a little teensy bit off in ways that were very self serving.

Suffice to say, I turned him down, and then when he asked what was wrong with me, told him not to contact me again. To which he responded with this gem:

Hi Pearl,
Where do you live?  No, seriously, where?  Coz, I want to come and rape you you fuck faced ass holed slut..LOL.
Ron

At this point I would describe him as not so much unhinged, as having completely lost his doors and shutters, and possibly the roof to boot. The sad part is that this is not exactly abnormal behaviour from men receiving a no. You get used to the “fuck you, you’re ugly anyways” as your personal choice after being is taken as some sort of cruel and unsolicited judgement of their value as a person

But this is one of those cases where you know the guy is his own worst enemy. I don’t know how much of his public persona is a fabrication- he claims to be a doctor and/or working for a medical non-profit, but writes like he’s got a head injury. There’s a couple of years of scattered online dating profiles, all of the “plz dom me” kind, placing him in India, which suggests this is equally likely his wank account and he isn’t coming anywhere near any of the North American femdoms he’s hoping will be interested in him. But, I’m posting this primarily because it’s always been useful to me to know I’m not alone when someone is proving beyond a shadow of a doubt why they should never be alone with a woman.

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8 Things You Could Be Doing To Help Find A Femdom

Did you try checking behind the curtain?One of the first questions people ask after realizing that they have submissive fantasies is how they can find a femdom. The standard advice, which nobody can escape, is that you’ve got to meet a lot of people until something clicks.

On the other hand, if you’ve been looking for a while and nothing’s working, here’s 8 basic tips for increasing the chance of meeting your match as well as what to do now to help make it work better when you do find her. Because there’s no sense in self sabotage or ineffective effort.

Can’t find a femdom? Are you doing these eight things?

  1. Participate in your local and/or online BDSM community. Thanks to the magic of the internet, even if you live in a tiny country with a small, conservative population, chances are there are at least an online community in your area devoted to kink. The reason why you should do this is because at the very least you won’t feel completely by yourself, and when you do find the femdom of your dreams, you will sound more sane and knowledgeable. BDSM is a very simple thing that a lot of people make overly complicated, and hearing from other kinksters will also give you more of a sense of what’s out there- as well as what to avoid.
  2. Talk to all the people, not just the dominants. If you use kinky communities to just try to talk to only what seems to be femdoms, you are not only missing out on some interesting people, but you are missing out on the hidden pool of kinksters, tops, switches and so on. Even just making friends, it also helps because even if you don’t meet someone directly, other people may introduce you to them based on “X seems cool!”. Meanwhile, if you only try to date openly kinked, you exclude all the women with the potential to rock your submissive socks who don’t currently have the vocabulary to describe what you both like. All these people you are ignoring by only pursuing obvious dominant  women *might* actually be into what you are looking for, and treating it like a numbers game and trying to enjoy the socializing for its own sake will make you calmer than if you hold out for Miss Perfect Domina Pants and ignore Suzy Switch, Katy Kinkster and Vanessa Not As Vanilla As She Seems.
  3. Define what you are looking for in a D/s relationship beyond generic labels. Do not rely on simply looking for someone who identifies as a dominant or expect everyone to know what you mean as far as kinks, when you call yourself a submissive. One of the biggest problems people deal with when looking for a femdom is that they tend to think of the role as being universal- with every relationship looking like the ones they imagine in their head. When you do find a femdom, you should not make the mistake of assuming just because someone is dominant they want to do everything you want. Similarly, it’s a lot easier to get some casual experience with various things like impact play if you don’t just tell people “I wanna be a sub” but you focus on things like “I want to know if I enjoy spanking for real as much as I imagine I do.”
  4. Make your online profiles about you. When you’re writing profiles or otherwise have a chance to present yourself as a potential sub, think in terms of the text on the back of a book. A good blurb tells you what the book is about. It does not tell you about the sort of customer the publisher wishes would buy the book. It doesn’t tell you the scenario they envisage you reading the book in. Similarly if you simply describe the sort of dom you want to meet or just focus on sexy suggestions that gives potential doms nothing to work with. Meanwhile your main profile photo is the cover on a book- stolen porn is like a generic stock art cover that gives the reader little information.
  5. Don’t wait to meet a femdom to start exploring. A lot of newly self identified subs think the first step is finding a dom to show them the literal ropes. Even if your very important celebrity-political-childcare-job keeps you from active BDSM scene participation, you should take the time to learn more about kink safety. It’ll also help you to know what to ask for and what to expect- and don’t forget that not all dominants are super experienced- many doms benefit from a partner who lets them practice and are nervous about being asked to be super experts.
  6. Take the time to work on yourself as a person. Plenty of guides to new subs tell you to meet minimal grooming standards and so forth, but you probably don’t need to be told to shower or wear pants. However, beyond the basics, when you finally do find a femdom, you’ll be able to build a relationship with a more solid foundation if you take the time to look after yourself first. Whether tamping down those pesky anxieties that plague all of us, or loving yourself enough to invest in achieving your other goals, you’ll be a much happier person, which will make you more inherently attractive to others. Come on, you deserve it. Even if all you want to be is property, you’re valuable property.
  7. Focus on people who are compatible with your entire life, not just your kinks. A lot of people forget that the bedroom is only one part of an entire relationship- even if you have sex every day that’s only about one hour out of 24 and you still need to have something to talk about beyond BDSM and how hot she is. You can afford and deserve to be picky, and generally you’ll be a lot happier with someone you connect with than someone who is your perfect kink match on paper.
  8. Work on smaller goals, not bigger goals. A huge mistake a lot of sub guys make is going from fantasy to trying to end up own, collared and buried in intense commitment. While you shouldn’t message random women looking for a flogging on demand, going in the opposite direction and seeking immediate extreme commitment is like being the stereotypical crazy person who tells you the names of the kids you will have on your first date. Look for having short term fun with people who deserve your respect- you are auditioning partners as much as they are auditioning you.
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Another Real Life BDSM Play Party (Making It Work)

genericnakedmanSo, it was another BDSM play party night. Woo sex parties with beautiful people! Let’s take off our clothes and mingle!

Actually, I’m an anti-social fuss pot who tends to default to hiding and sulking, but this one I was committed to trying to have a good time. After all, I’m pretty privileged to live in a large city with a vibrant and active community.

And really, as far as sometimes finding the public BDSM play scene a challenge, I blame that I’m an unimpressive top with intermittent social skills. I don’t mean to put myself down, I just mean as a dominant I can’t really fall back on flamboyant scenes, which removes some of the appeal of playing in public, and I have a hard time breaking into interactions with other people sometimes- and I get uncomfortable as the object of focused sexual pursuit, while having unreasonable expectations of worship. As such I decided that it was on me to figure out how to make things work, and flush with enthusiasm I threw myself into this party, complete with volunteering and trying to dress up extra cute.

Wildcard has a rather better experience- for him this is his kind of decadent fun he always dreamed about. He’s also new to the scene- like most libertines I’ve reached the point of jaded where the novelty has not only worn off, but been replaced by a patina of sameness,  fate that seems to befall a lot of kinky folk who’ve been kicking around the place too long.

But, in preparation for trying to have a good time, I did my best to make sure good things would happen including trying to prep for best possible top time. You’d think an open and active dirty word pornographer like me would be up on this kind of thing like fleas on  cat, but for me, getting into the saddle with someone is always pretty hinky- I need to feel like I want to be there of my own volition and I need to have a connection build up and not just mechanically walk through the dominant scene checklist, and I need to be seduced into feeling dominant.

Of course I’d told Wildcard that I really couldn’t do the ‘dom-on-demand’ thing where we were happy non-sexual/non-power exchange-y in day to day interactions and then poof, suddenly I had to drop into the role with full on confidence in a very public environment. So he was doing a good job of before time foreplay, which is to say going out of his way to pique my interest in swatting him, while I did my best to anticipate and plot. And as you will read on, things may have worked very well…

Continue reading

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Friday Femdom Fiction: Roadside Distraction

Each stretch of road passed much like the last: pressed asphalt, road signs, trees, drainage ditches and painted marks in day glow. She yawned and adjusted the ear pieces of her glasses, looking away from the bright beaming sun ahead of them and over to her left, where he was driving them both at a steady pace that just nudged the speed limit. She liked to watch his hands on the steering wheel, from time to time reaching to shift gears with a short tug.

She swung her foot in a lazy crescent swoop that left her loose plastic shoe dangling from her toes, glanced at the surroundings again before making a decision. “You should find a place to pull over.”

That made him look away from the road completely, nervously checking for what calamity she was about to confess. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.” She made a crooked smile, clarifying this was about her pleasure not her distress. “You need to pull over and take all your clothing off.”

“What?”

“Now. You have a reasonable legal expectation of privacy in your car. This is Canada.” She made her voice serious, cutting off any argument and pointed to help him focus despite suddenly frayed nerves, suggesting the turn off that had caught her eye. He signaled, switching lanes somewhat jerkily.

The car came to a stop in the shoulder, away from the main road but still within eyesight of it. He hesitated, the car idling until she told him to turn it off, and then got stuck again, unable to take the first motion to undress until she pulled his sunglasses from his face and repeated, “Everything off. Completely.”

The polo went first, his arms thrown up over his head, pulling and revealing his stomach. Stripped of his shirt, his torso was pale, blue vein traces marked along the top of his chest like a river delta. Awkwardly, trying not to lift his hips up past the line of the window, he undid his pants and inched them off his legs with his underwear until they got stuck on his shoes.

She laughed and took possession of everything in a bundle on her right side, wedged against the door against her hip. He kept glancing out the window towards the main road and behind them, hand touching his face, soothing away worry.

“Play with yourself.”

His lips were pulled thin with anxiety, but at her insistence, he began to cup and stroke his cock, eyes going heavy lidded. She could tell even before he began to touch himself he was excited.

“I bet you’re feeling that full body vulnerability, aren’t you? You don’t know what I’m going to do next or how long I’m going to keep you like this.”

His lip moved, but she shook her head, leaning in to say. “Don’t talk, just nod your head.”

“Mmm…”

Her fingers stroked up his bare arm, watching him coax himself fully thick, before she tugged his hand away. A car passed on the road near them and he flinched.

“Shhh..” She took over, touching the velvety soft skin, petting and carassing before pulling her had back to her mouth.

When she returned contact, cupping and gripping his cock, her palm was wet with saliva, warm and chafing fast and light, quick friction on the midsection and sensitive head of his cock. “Don’t come.”

“Please…”

“If you come, I’m making you drive us the rest of the way wearing nothing but a belly covered in semen. You think you’re exposed now? Imagine trying to concentrate on the highway like that.”

He has his shoulders tensed and his arms pulled in close to his body, bent at the midsection, neck muscles tugged so his head projected forward leading with his chin. “Fuck! Please stop.”

“Think about that, me holding your clothes right here on my lap until we pull into the motel parking lot. You having to dress while the concierge is looking to see what new person has pulled in and other people walking around. They’d probably see you…”

“Miss. Please. I’m going to come!”

She eased off, smirking. “No. No you’re not.”

Another car drove past, silver grey and boxy. He gave a deep breath, only to find she’d pulled her skirt up to her thighs and was tugging her panties off. The stretchy cotton discarded with his clothes, she straddled his lap, grinding.

“Ahh…”

She was wet, the head of his cock almost guiding itself into cunt with the slippery wriggle of her hips. “Ooff, crowded!”

She giggled, feeling the steering wheel awkwardly pressing into her back and squeezing him with her thighs, the better to make them both fit in the car seat.

“Please, please, please…”

“Nope.” She dismounted, sliding him out of her as she manoeuvred back into her seat. “Not until the next rest stop. Now I wonder if I should give you your shorts back?”

~

I’ve been playing with this fantasy for a couple of weeks and I’m glad to have another addition for Friday Femdom Fiction.

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Reader Letter: Psychological BDSM & 24/7 Submission

A reader recently wrote in to ask about 24/7 submission, psychologically intense BDSM and how they can go about finding a partner who is into that idea.

Do you have any advice for someone who’s looking to become a slave to a woman permanently? I’ve been reading stories for a while but I don’t have any experience actually finding someone who might be into these kinds of things, and even tho I’m seeming upfront right now I’m actually quite shy. 

You seem like you know a lot about the psychological aspects of femdom in addition to the fleshly pleasures, so I was hoping you might be able to give me some advice on how to find someone who’s interested in owning a slave completely, not casually like on some personals sites, but complete power exchange and total mind and body fuckery with no going back. 

I gather that you yourself have experience in such things, and so my heart is hoping that you’ll be able to help me. I understand if not tho, and either way, keep on writing the awesome stories.

:-) (Look 24/7 Submission)

Hello Looking For 24/7 Submission:

Gee thanks! I’m always glad to hear from a fan!

247I’ve already written a lot of articles suggesting advice on how to find a female dominant in addition to my stories- but it sounds like what you’re looking for is advice on how to find a particular kind of relationship. I’ll see what I can do to help…

Continue reading

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30 days of kink: days 6, 7, 8 & 9 Media sharing time!

30 days of kink continues with a look at some of the things that inspire us- fantasies, toys, pictures and songs.

Day 6: Describe your weirdest/most interesting sexual fantasy.

I wish I had something and interesting and illustrative as Dumb Domme’s conveyor belt. Possibly for me the fantasies of being a man raping another man, rare though they were, would be the oddest from my perception of weird as I’m a happily cis woman who normally doesn’t really like male-on-male.

For me, one of the reasons I couldn’t pinpoint a most interesting fantasy is because there’s a lot of fantasies to choose from. As an excessively imaginative person and a purveyor of BDSM and femdom stories, I end up playing with as many themes and concepts as possible, often looking for ways to make a kink trope work for me. Which means that I also end up considering what I write about- from a personal basis- making something have an erotic zing is pretty key to hammering out readable erotica.

And, as a reaction junkie, it’s not necessarily always important to me what I’m doing. Since dating Wildcard, I’ve discovered that there’s a marked uptick in clothes-being-forcibly-removed fantasies. These were definitely present when I was younger, but I’ve imprinted really hard off his very vulnerable, real reactions when you take away his pants.

Day 7: What’s your favourite toy?

I’m partial to riding crops and silicone insertables. I also like male masturbation toys. You guys read my review of the Tenga egg- I like that sort of play as a couples activity, while impact play and sadism wise, I like crops and canes best to use, and I like the security of medical grade silicone. One too many toys with funny smells and tastes put me off of jelly, while I find metal and glass are not idiot proof and require a gentle hand because they have little natural give- not the best for a strapon, for example, which is the opposite of a tool of finesse. Seriously- it’s attached to your pelvis, it has no nerve endings and you can’t see what you’re doing. You might as well be operating a dildo on the back of your head.

Day 8: Post a kinky image you find erotic.

sleeping-tiedup

Kinky imagery is a really subjective idea, because often what distinguishes the very kinky is that not everyone would necessarily find it erotic.

I’ve talked about the impact of Disney’s “Sleeping Beauty” before, as well as the inevitable illustrated children’s picture books about medieval castles that always seem to mention, at least in a footnote about dungeons or knights being held until their family pays the ransom (there’s a story out there I need to write based on that particular chivalric tradition).

Outside of that, I’m very partial to to some of the artwork of Avenier. Unfortunately, to avoid having their artwork borrowed and plastered about the web without attribution, they’ve made it so I can’t link to particular images.

That being said, if we’re referencing things that caught my eye, when I was in high school this ad got me to linger more than once on the magazine it was printed in.

Adforjeans

These days we’re a lot more spoiled for imagery, but at the time, it was the sort of early 2000s naughtiness that suggested exactly the sort of deviance I wanted in my life.

Day 9: Post a kink related song or music video you enjoy.

This one is pretty difficult because it’s hard to find femdom imagery that doesn’t shade into being more about a vaguely gothy looking lady in knee boots and a corset who is supposed be intimidating in a more passive way- basically the need to signal “dominatrix” to make female aggression explicable. For example “She Wants Revenge” likes to play with this sort of imagery.

Where as completely forgettable band Phixx answers the question of what potential having a whole packaged boy band as your prisoner. I think, although the song is nothing exciting, it’s a good argument for what would happen if the people who specialize in pandering to female sexuality decided to make femdom porn.

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14 Over Used Topics On BDSM Forums

Redundancy-A-564x376While BDSM forums often provide a great way to talk to other kinky people and get a reality check or a sympathetic ear to your kinky interests and queries, you know you have encountered these conversations before. Whether it’s fetlife, /r/BDSMcommunity, the bright young things on 4chan’s d board, an international non-english community, or some other hidden pocket of kinky folk, everyone’s participated in them at least once and many of these are not inherently terrible until you’ve discussed them for the fifth or sixth time.

  1. Why are all the sub men entitled perverts/the dom women money grubbing scammers? Also:There are no dominant women in my large metropolitan area who are not professionals. Where do the REAL femdom enthusiasts hang out and why do they seem to find that attitude repulsive?
  2. Please validate that my status as a submissive means that I should be mad at my dom for failing to bend over backwards and give me what I wanted because my inherently fragile submissive self will asplode if I don’t get a bedtime story/symbolic reassurance on demand/fetish activity whenever I want.
  3. My LDR & internet only partner just ghosted. I am incredibly torn up that I no longer have an emotionally intense skype relationship with someone so many timezones away they may actually be sleeping.
  4. Feminism is making it hard to live as a submissive woman. A movement largely built on respecting the free choice of one gender to live as the choose is clearly preventing me from expressing myself because it stops other women from being subjugated and ruins my natural order fantasies because I think that somehow people turning a blind eye to abusive relationships is the same thing as consensual kink. Also I met a judgy feminist once who said mean things about housewives.
  5. DAE think submissive men should automatically somehow compensate dominant women from interacting with them regardless of whether or not said woman is a sex worker or the kinks being explored are findom/service, because that’s just what all femdoms want?
  6. Are you actually… allowed to be in love in a D/s relationship? Like, am I less of a dominant for not holding my sub away from me with detached firmness? I’m a bad sub for wishing the dom I’ve fallen in love with would love me back?
  7. I am a submissive with knee problems. Does my inability to kneel mean that I am less of a sub, according to a rigidly defined framework with its origins in pornography?
  8. Long, multi-thread discussion about gross misconduct and consent violations that fail to mention anyone, even by pseudonym and rely on whisper judgement, still falling into the trap of allowing serious illegality to be dismissed as “scene drama” while clinging to the value of the court of public opinion.
  9. I just broke up with my first kinky partner and I can’t conceive of ever getting the sex I like again because this was so serendipitous. Do other kinky people exist or am I doomed to never know love like this again?
  10. How do I deal with the fact that I am in a serious relationship with a vanilla person who doesn’t have any interest in anything to do with my sexuality, without breaking up with them or receiving any sort of compromise on their part? They may not know I’m kinked.
  11. [Detail scant personal ad that's been inappropriately posted against forum rules (and probably posted in an international group to boot) to demonstrate naivety and complete lack of reading comprehension, because spamming is attractive]
  12. Only the way I express my kinks is right. Let’s have a lengthy, tone deaf argument on why a particular choice of actions makes you a nutcase, insensitive to people who are not involved in your personal life in any way or a poseur who lacks a true kinky flair.
  13. On second thought, let’s have a tone deaf, completely non-kinky discussion on some unpleasant issue like fat shaming, gender, why any modern progressive movement is icky and excessive, or someone’s pet conservative cause, enhanced by the fact that some poor person with serious mental health impairments is weighted equally and debated with the same vigour as someone with a less loose grip on reality.
  14. My new explorations of kink are MAGICAL. I think I just came unicorns out my ears.

That’s my pet peeves, what are yours?

Posted in O BDSM Scene, O Non-Fiction | Tagged , , , , | 3 Comments

30 days of kink: Days 3, 4 & 5 Okay, how did you get started in the kink stuff?

Once again I’m doing 30 days of kink in a multi-day jam together.

Day 3: How did you discover you were kinky?

The question here is not as much how I discovered kink as much as that learned I was part of a sexual minority of any kind, or what the words for my kinks was.

Initially, this was just my sexuality (or proto sexuality) and because of the relative weirdness of my family background I didn’t think vanilla was the default or that it was abnormal to want to playfully tie someone up or like stories where people lost their clothing or were held captive. BDSM was just part of sex-ed, which is to say the basic vocabulary and safety advice. None of my early exploration with other partners indicated that people were by default, vanilla, just that everyone has stuff they will and will not do and that isn’t always what you’d like.

Co,ing to terms with the fact that ‘femdom’ was the word that best described me was a more lengthy process.

Day 4: Any early experiences that, in retrospect, hint at your kinks?

Pre-school me had an imaginary friend who was always getting beaten up and having his clothing stolen. I was as much enamoured with Disney’s Sleeping Beauty for the scenes with the chained up/captive prince and I was happy to read books on the middle ages with their inevitable explanation of the dungeon/ransoming system or play games involving Trolls who wanted to capture people. I was obsessed with a comic series called Elf Quest probably because of a wicked witch style character called Winnowill.

I’ve talked about this before, but suffice to say, it was pretty easy to pick out that I was excessively fixated on certain dynamics.

Day 5: What was your first kinky sexual experience?  If you haven’t had one yet, talk about what you hope to have happen.

Tie up and capture games with other children escalated, as puberty rolled through, into light kink with highschool boyfriends and enthusiastic cyber roleplay with stranger on the internet, probably also pretending to be 18 at the same time as me. This is not to say that I was running round owning slaves from day one, but that kink was just always there.

Posted in O Non-Fiction, O Self | Tagged | 1 Comment