Reader Letter: Do Femdoms Have Sex?

A reader wrote in with this question, a very common one, usually asked by new femdoms wondering if they will ever get to have sex again, and new subs wondering what to expect when they meet the dom of their dreams. Does femdom mean nothing by cock cages and cunnilingus in queening chairs? Do femdoms have sex without $8000 worth of leather and bondage furniture? Of course long term readers know we do, but it’s still worth putting more information on the subject out there.

Reader letter do femdoms have sex?

Dear Miss Pearl:

How often do femdoms have sex with their subs? When I ask this, I am of course not considering the pro dommes. And my question is that, apart from “play”, how often do dommes engage in actual sex as most vanilla people think about it ie. the actual-cock-thrusting-into-the-vagina type? Including what may or may not be vanilla, (as the domme could very well be using him as a sex toy) AND just having missionary sex, how often,  from your experience, do you think dommes do that? How well do you like it, compared to “play” without any of it?

Thanks,

JustCurious

 

 

Dear JustCurious:

Basically you just asked: do we want to fuck our subs; does sex and play mix; and do we just do vanilla sometimes?

Yes, yes and yes!

To be precise,  femdoms have sex about as often as vanilla women do. And by that I mean penis-in-vagina, penis-in-mouth, penis-in-butt; fingers in all of those; and all the lesbian interpretations of that apply for the non-straight femdoms. Unlike in porn, which generally caters to the very specific fantasies of submissive men, femdoms are just normal folks with a fetish and a particular perspective on what we see as romantic. True we might like all sorts of BDSM related activities and get off on it, but femdoms are still women. Excepting an asexual minority, we have sexuality and all the needs that go with it.

For example, in my case, I could tell you that for me how often I have sex ranges from “every day” to “every few months” depending on if I have a regular partner and how high his libido is. I enjoy sex with Wildcard. It might be with all the kinky trappings or it might be a happy quickie at the end of the day.  Talking to other femdoms leads to a similar picture. Most of us have at least one special person that we like to make whoopee with, and we usually don’t find skipping some of the fetish trappings makes us feel less powerful.

I like penis-in-vagina sex. I still need clitoral stimulation to come, but my sexuality includes both the penis-in-vagina thing inside and outside of play. I would not be happy with a vanilla partner, but neither would I want to forgo anything but the explicitly kinky.

However, I can see why you wanted to ask. As you pointed out, both porn, and the standards of professionals have given us a very messed idea of what a normal femdom relationship looks like. For professionals, the extra risk involved in sex and the laws against sex work encourage the average dominatrix to make it abundantly clear that your penis goes nowhere near her vagina. In porn, producers generally try to pack as many activities into one video as possible. You will see sex, but it is always done in an over the top fashion so that even the slowest viewer can tell that this is very, very dominant.

Femdom porn also plays up how little the lady wants to do with her sub. Unlike femsub, where the first the the dom seems to do after hitting and tying her up is cram a dick in a hole (in the case of kink.com, tiresomely, almost always in an ass because anal is Le Edge). Nobody asks male doms if they are somehow losing power by having an orgasm. And prodom advertising will loudly bray about the clients never daring to let their willies out because ejaculation Must Never Occur, as least according to a reasonable amount of their client base. Hey, if your way of dodging deeply puritanical and invasive anti-sex work legislation is to erotically tell men not to have sex, who am I to throw stones?

But this means that when a newbie dom is setting out to have fun, she often hits the expectation that certain things are verbotten. She’ll encounter lots of sources telling her penetration is submission (that’s a pop culture thing, we can’t even blame porn for that one) or if she does want a dick, it better be by treating the guy like a human dildo. About once every three months some poor woman on a femdom forum will ask if she’s still allowed to give blow jobs.

Part of the whole reason (other than the art part and the attention) I write this blog is a reality check. So I’ll state this again:

So yes, femdoms have sex with their partners, whether those are switches, subs or some other identification. And I’m sure some of you will even weigh in, in the comments to confirm that.

 

eLust #84:

Elust 84 header
Photo courtesy of A to sub-Bee

Welcome to Elust #84 

The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at Elust. Want to be included in Elust #85? Start with the rules, come back August 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

~ This Month’s Top Three Posts ~

Lightweight
About Those “Apple Thighs”
Why the Hell Haven’t I Rebelled Yet?

~ Featured Post (Molly’s Picks) ~

IDENTITY – hiding the evidence
friday flash–service

~Readers Choice from Sexbytes ~

Good In Bed

Erotic Fiction

Ride
Pubic Disturbance
Colds and Lust
Sex Machine
Chemistry
A Dirty Bathroom Floor
Tether
I’m Sorry I’m So Silent
S’il Vous Plaît
Edge of Morning
Dancin’ (Most) of the Night Away
Airport Arrivals

Sex News, Opinion, Interviews, Politics & Humor

42 Kinds of Casual Sex
Living in Fear – An Essay on Male Entitlement
Pride

Thoughts & Advice on Kink & Fetish

How To Give A Bare Handed Spanking
Reconciling dominance and love
She’s a Very Kinky Gor

Body Talk and Sexual Health

Run the good race
IUD DIARY #1 (1.5 WEEKS LATER)

Erotic Non-Fiction

We Made A Resolution To Make Love Everyday
The 20 Minute Orgasm
More on cunt, corridors & Schroedinger’s cock
Stoned Birthday Sex
Room with a View
I’m Not Done With Your Throat Yet
It’s a strange path to trust.

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

Poly and Pets
mono-poly

Writing about Writing

Why Write Erotic Fiction?
ELust Site Badge

The New Theme & Website Updates (Not Porn)

Hi guys, quick webmistress note:

I’m in the process of giving the site a moderate facelift, so I’m giving you a heads up that some things might get broken in the process (eg the contact forms).  Rest assured that I will continue offering the free erotica I always have (the main reason you guys come out here). While I’m doing that, a few things may seem wonky or broken- I apologise for any problems you may encounter during the transition, as well as any wonky layouts.

I feel like the blue theme wasn’t helping you get the content you were looking for, and I’m happy to take feedback from you about anything you feel needs to be adapted or anything you’re finding particularly clunky here, as I plan continuous improvements. Berkson already weighed in that he missed the “O” logo, for example. 😉

Seriously, I’m opening myself up to your comments- even “moar of X, less of Y plz”.

Design Goals:

  • New header logo
  • Expand text box for better blog reading
  • Rework art elements to fit new template
  • Put Fav Icon back

I’m going to keep the jetpack generated mobile theme for now (why fix what ain’t broke?) but I’d love to know if you’re getting and weird errors or whatever. Changing the browser based theme appears to already be helping my bounce rate. I’m also going to redo the contact forms- it might be a co-incidence but I feel like I’ve been getting more feedback not less since I disabled it.

I also want to go through old content and start adding missing attribution/sources to the images I use.  Although a lot of this is very much amateur experimenting I feel like I haven’t properly credited people where credit is due.

I realise it may not be as seamless as hiring a professional, but having an ugly site was seriously killing my desire to actually update the damn thing. I also freely admit my social media feed may be full of frantic “wtf?!” questions as I try to figure out what the hell I’m doing.

The end goal is to get something with the uh… professional (maybe not the best word) quality to try to showcase what I do best. I take a lot of pride in my writing, typos and all.

And yes, I’m going to keep posting. Life’s been incredibly hectic (I am running a real life LARP, a monthly munch,  work full time, and am juggling a health problem) but I’m in a good head space. I’ve been particularly happy with Wildcard who has been incredibly supportive and has started to contribute photos from his own hobby.

However, I do want to mention something else.

It’s always awkward to talk about money but…

Right now the sponsored stories and custom stories basically pay for web hosting. I’m one of the top searches for “femdom stories” on google, and I’m competing with sites with thousands of contributors. I know you guys like my writing, but I feel like I could do better artistically – I want to be able to pay to commission sexy art to match my stuff. That means more sexy femdom porn for everyone.

Hell, even using money to hire a cleaner for my apartment gives me more time to focus on creating porn.

So would you guys be okay with a tip jar or patreon set up? Do you think you’d want to participate? 

Femdom Review: Safe Words by Drury Jamison

Safe words by Drury JamisonTitle: Safe Words
By: Drury Jamison

Tl;DR: Your standard thriller romance, with a jaded cop hero, but  bonus femdom self discovery.

There’s a handful of books with this title (and zip between the covers to do with it, other than an offhand romantic joke) but Jamison breathes some pleasant life into a by the numbers plot. A killer is stalking femdoms, and our heroine, Detective Eleanor Silver, ends up discovering a bit more about her own desires over the course of the investigation. Inevitably she has to become a femdom to catch a killer and the guy helping her out takes things in an equally real direction. Also she’s a troubled cop with a drinking problem and a great deal of dedication to her job to the point of burn out. This is policing written meaner and more dangerous than the statistical experience of the average police officer. Assume you are reading an erotic thriller novel, not getting an inside scoop into anything real. But, it’s ok. The skill of a genre fiction writer is in their ability to manage our expectations, much like a sex scene will always involve sex by some value of the term, but can be written well or poorly.

Safe Words, despite the generic title, is good.

Specifically, there’s a few things I think are worth calling out as being particularly well handled. The main one being that we see submissive men as a wide range of complicated people with lives outside the bedroom. There’s no cliches about high powered executives blowing off steam or docile meek folk- every single guy has the same range of human agency and can be a good person or a bad person.  The love interest, Anderson, shows both agency, preferences and a spine. He’s, dare I say, cute and not ruled exclusively by his kinks. He’s well adjusted and likes himself. I could see myself chasing him.

Silver is written with some of the standard romance heroine problems (dowdy wardrobe, just doesn’t connect with dudes), but she is a hundred percent turned on by sub guys, and unlike many books in the genre has a loving and adorably vulnerable attitude to femdom. She doesn’t think less of submissive men and crave a dom or a “real man”. He dowdy clothes are her desperately trying to gain the upper hand in a world where her femaleness is a vulnerability and as soon as she gets introduced to the idea of femdom we get to see her masturbating to the subject enough not to worry that she’s just doing it to keep her boy interested.

That private time is a sneaky way that Jamison manages to pack more erotic punch into a burgeoning romance. I liked this handling, as it helped illustrate what falling in love is like and avoid making the actual interactions between her and the guy she is falling in love with drag or feel gratuitous.

What about the hero?

Romance has a hard time with sub men. With the genre aimed at making men into sexual objects, a lot of novels fall flat by making the guy either a pushy weirdo or a non-entity. Anderson, Eleanor’s psychologist-guide to the kink scene, is a bit of a cipher as we don’t really get a direct window into his head, like a nuanced person with other stuff going on than his penis. That’s damning with faint praise, but in a writing genre where “he had an erection” is used as shorthand for “he is interested and interesting” it’s nice to see that Jamison tries to have him express himself through word and looks. As a person has his own agenda, reputation with other characters, and past relationships. He makes good and bad choices, expressing a lot of courage but also managing to convey a desperate attraction and vulnerability to the heroine that he keeps on a short leash to be polite.

Gender comes in here a lot. Our male protagonist is not a sissy, but several of the other male sub characters are (and one is actually trans), and some of the development of their relationship is Elanor realising she doesn’t so much mind being a woman as what she previous assumed was mandatory submission and passivity. Anderson’s version of a sub knows and enforces his limits with pleasant firmness (for example where explains he is not a sissy, and the Mistress he would obey would not want that) and we don’t fuck around with “no but your dick says you want this!” limit pushing.

What he provides is what most femdoms want, someone who affirms and loves who she is, and gives her space to express the vulnerability of command.

Okay, what about the book as a whole?

I think my favourite part of this is that there’s enough characters that you get a lot of examples of femdom relationships with real humans- and see a spectrum of sub guys from the killer (anyone who has gotten an unhinged inbox message knows how believable it is that there is a Buffalo Bill knock off out there); nice, really loving husbands; hot singles, etc… When male submission in fiction tends to be treated like a bizarre anomaly or some sort of inborn fetish reflex that turns off a person’s personality, seeing it sketched out in a broader sense is much needed room to breathe.

We need more femdom books in general. On the plus side, the fact that it won a Golden Flogger award at  BDSM Writers Con means I hope we’ll see more like it. I am looking forward to the sequel where our Heroine gets to solve more mysteries and hopefully we see a continuation of her relationship with Anderson.

Inside the Indoor Beach Play Party

Princess Kali from Femdom United at an OUTDOOR beach play partyWhat did I do over the long weekend? It’s blazing hot, with the temperature dancing around the high end of 20 C or even over 30 C and nasty humidity. The pools are full of screaming children and all my friends were mewling on their social media feeds that they were too hot to fuck. Never-mind,  a little AC and the right theme, and I was all set for a great play party.

I hold these parties once every couple of months, inviting an exclusive group of my trusted friends to romp and explore and be our kinky, sexy selves.  This isn’t your mother’s play party, with all the fetish protocol and no sex attitude that entails. You won’t find some person in a motrocycle cap doing Florentine flogging to show they are a Serious Master. Everything is fun, casual and rests on an absolutely no creeps policy.

Picture an elegant 1930s apartment, done up in paper lanterns and blue crepe bunting in undulating waves…

The guests are dressed in trunks, swim suits and loose, airy cotton dresses. Some go pinup vintage, some go chic and modern. There are soft bodies; hard bodies; hairless, smooth bodies; and sensually furred bodies. Men, women and people who dance in the middle, all are welcome. They know it’s a safe place to explore what they love. The atmosphere is perky and joyful, vintage beach tunes and silly movies (Lilo and Stitch) setting the tone before we take things in a much more adult direction. I don’t think there was a bit of black leather in sight, unless, of course, you count the mountain of toys I’d put out to share.

I told the guests an 8:00 PM start time, and on the dot, the first handful of people start trickling in. Early birds ask if they can help out, and I hand off a beach ball and balloons to blow. I have three rooms open- the kitchen with its vague Arabian nights feeling; the long, pillared living room decked out to hold the majority of folks, and my bedroom made more intimate by a black light. There’s snacks and drinks: a whole watermelon in wedges; brightly coloured popsicles; jubejube fish; chips and salsa; beachy drinks. Nothing to excess, everything just right to indulge and to remind you that we’re here to play.

But how do you go from friends to frolic?

Everyone arrives around the start time, first Peppermint Kitten and her man (they’re early birds, and like to help set up) and then guests in ones and twos. Every party starts like this, with people bunching up on the couch, a little shy where it’s just a handful. Everyone is at least passingly familiar with everyone else, but there’s a note of care in everyone’s posture. Nobody wants to be rejected, and nobody wants to overstep and make anyone else uncomfortable. We might be inveterate perverts, but how to make sure we honour enthusiastic consent? The guests are almost all here, but we’re all having social time.

My friend, Peppermint goes on a little walk about the apartment, looking at all the decorations. I’m admiring my own handiwork in the bedroom, looking at the glow sticks hanging from the fan and the bright stars on the wall.

I get the play party truly started when I grab and lift my friend onto the bed.

Read the full post »

How To Give A Bare Handed Spanking

One of the biggest barriers for new femdoms (and women who are giving this a try) is that the topping side of dominating people can seem hellaciously intimidating. What if you get it wrong, will the bottom be seriously hurt? Will he laugh at you and take away his submission? I blame existing dominants, who often base their authority on how well they hit and tie. In some cases, of course, kink skill takes time and practice. Bullwhips and needle play require more prep and know how, as well as specialized equipment. But spanking is something anyone can do and carry very little risk, particularly a bare handed spanking with an open palm.


Delecious bare handed spanking pic from juliensubWhy spanking and how does it work?

A human butt is one of the more resilient, padded parts of the body. Cushioned and bouncy, it offers a wide surface area for striking while keeping all the important biological bits tucked deep out of the way. As well as a safe target, many people associate spanking with being in a demeaned, vulnerable of juvenile position. Although people in the 18 to 35 generation may never have personally experienced a beating in the hands of a parent, the idea of being bent over and smacked is deeply embedded in popular culture, as a minor form of violence expressing the authority of the spanker. Besides, we sexualize butts, and spanking is touching butts.

For kink purposes, there’s two kinds of spankings, a fun spanking that works with the “victim’s” natural tolerances and a mean spanking that seeks to exceed them (in a safe fashion of course!). In this case, don’t confuse tolerances for limits. Limits are how the bottom protects you from being arrested, while tolerance is how the spanking effects them in relation to how they experience pain. So how do you make sure everything’s hunky dory?

Establishing informed consent and tolerances.

If you’re a newbie dom, maybe your bottom has also never had spanking before. Or, maybe if he’s new to you, you’re not sure he understands what you are capable of dishing out. I’ve already established that I’m a big fan of consent. Don’t hit people unless they say it’s okay, and understand the ramifications of what they agreed to. That established, what if the person doesn’t know what their finite limits are yet? Nobody wants to initiate a grandiose walloping and have the bottom start screaming “Pumpkin! Pumpkin! I don’t consent!”. Have a conversation about limits and kick any new partner who tells you they have none out of bed.

But what if they’re gung-ho about it, but this is virgin territory? This is the main stumbling block for many kinksters. Most people come into this with a bunch of sexy ideas, some of which are going to turn out to be perverted brilliance, but many of which will be improbable, impractical or nowhere as hot as they seemed in real life. On that line, launching a full scale assault on their ass may sour a spanking victim- if this is primarily your idea you want to be able to ease the bottom into it.

I’m a big fan of using the pain scale numbers system, because you can’t get simpler than that. During your first spanking session, task the receiver to rate your hits on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “did you touch me?” and 10 being “sweet mother fucking christ auugh I’m dying.” For a bare handed spanking, many people can’t even get past 7. Regardless, start with your lightest possible hit and work to establish your mid-range. You will probably discover one other fun fact: people’s pain tolerances shoot way up when they are aroused. Thus his tolerance is going to be a bit wibbly. With warm up, you may exhaust yourself long before he’s ready to call it quits.

Following so far? Let’s keep going…

Read the full post »

Montreal’s Missing Stair: Dunter

Dunter is montreal's missing stairThe Montreal BDSM community is live in a world where everyone talks, but there are strict norms: don’t “make drama” and don’t out people. It’s held up by our heavy reliance on Fetlife as a social tool, which refuses to allow you to say anything negative about anyone, whether calling them out for alleged littering or a rape conviction. But this is my blog, so I can express that I think Dunter is a bad person who should be banned from the BDSM scene.

Dunter assaulted me and violated my consent, and I have witnessed him violate the consent of someone else

 

Me:

While demonstrating pressure points, went from demonstrating on my fingers to violently twisting my nipple. I guess he was fed up none of his pressure points were working on me.
Fondled my fresh surgical stitches, after I explicitly told him not to touch me at all. Claimed he didn’t hear me say no when I freaked out.
Decided to physically pick me up, until I thumped him in the head. Blames that I was being rambunctious and playful. Implied consent, right?

Another Person:

During the aforementioned pressure point incident, randomly grabbed someone in the audience and jabs them.

For purposes of libel, that’s all I can explicitly tell you DID happen. You’re welcome to say exaggerating, lying or whatever.  But I talk about it because for some reason everyone knows he’s bad news, but he continues to be a part of the scene outside my carefully curated bubble. And I’m going to talk about what other people say too. Good and bad.

The “Gossip”.

Oh, we snicker when he organizes and anti-rape class and taglines it “coming from someone who knows“. And you can say his name casually and everyone has an anecdote about the time he dropped someone on their head, or the way he acted soooo disappointed when the new girl in the community turned out to have six years prior experience. Where ever he goes, he sets himself up as a guru and gets into a massive argument with whomever is organizing things. The posturing battles with other (male) people in authority are the subject of giggling as fetlife posts with euphemistic but insulting nicknames are used to call each other out.

And he continues to act, and play with and endless stream of young women (always young, always bought with his alleged rope skill). And to say anything beyond vituperative behind the fan, sleeve biting sarcasm is DRAMA. Too much, vindictive of whomever, not everyone’s problem. You can tell he’s a creeper by looking at him, right? Don’t be revenge seeking! Don’t drag other people into this! I don’t take sides, whoa…

In short, he’s a classic missing stair.

Popularized by Pervocracy, a missing stair is person who’s like the flaw in a building that all the regulars know to avoid. Like a balcony railing you can’t rely on, a floorboard that sticks up, or the dark basement step that you’re supposed to skip to avoid tumbling headlong, anyone who is a part of the group knows it’s there ans considers awareness of the hazard the cost of living there.

In my case. I got an extra dose of Dunter because I was good friends with someone he dated for a prolonged period. And that’s one of those things I’m not proud of- I was younger and meeker, and although I still consider myself good friends with her, older me would not have the patience that younger me did of trying to ignore the cretin she dragged around everywhere with her. It’s also made me cautious about speaking up. What if people thought this was an ill thought out revenge scheme motivated by a jealous ex? Well, she’s way more chill about everything and actually unaware that I’m writing this, so if you feel inclined to call conspiracy you can’t include her.

I’m writing because nobody else is.

But in the scene at large, there’s also a degree of sexism in the lack of response to completely ostracize him. Because he largely targets women, it’s easy to find guys who’ll tell you, tsk, tsk he means well. He’s so earnest, volunteering for absolutely fucking everything (I mean he did drop someone on their head on some stairs, allegedly, but he means well right?) and how those black t-shirted would be bouncers are TOTALLY keeping an eye on him as he suspends a young woman in the centre stage of their event.

I usually abhor blaming an entire gender, but there’s this powerlessness among the various guys I’ve talked to who hold actual power in the community. As if they don’t control their own venues. Mostly doms or dom-presenting switches and fetishists, respected and even admired. Sometimes they’re even trusted, although trust is hard currency to come by in the kink scene. When the public fights happen they’re over prestige, someone claiming military service they didn’t do or whose rope is the longest. Other than that, most people of both genders shake their head with that little smirk “Oh Dunter, I’ve heard a lot about him.”

Jesusfuckingchristareyoufuckingshittingme. This does not take some sort of advanced degree to figure out. Most of the people of any degree of authority and prestige know he’s bad news. He runs his “Centre” partially as a reaction from being ejected from Montreal’s other kink teaching space, the ALCC. Or allegedly he did. Because nobody would be as gauche as to tell anyone anything specific.

I promise you that I’ve never found a person who requires caveats about their personality or has multiple stories attached to them is good to be around.

With Dunter, I can’t really blame his other victims from not doing more than talking among ourselves. God knows, getting any kind of traction means putting yourself through the wringer, and if you take on someone you better believe you’ll get one metric ton of bullshit as a reward. But as a community organizer, even a volunteer who reserves a venue once a month, I feel like actually have to say something.

So I am. Because every time us petty kings and queens let him in and “watch” him or don’t use our social capital to express displeasure we are tacitly endorsing him. The guy thrives and succeeds because he presents himself as a leader, and expert and a teacher. And I can say, based on personal experience and the information of people that I consider trustworthy, I do not endorse Dunter for anything and he should not be around people.

Oh, and I leave you with this if you need to do a follow up:

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Femdom Life: Orgasm Denial for Him

Psychological shackles are the bestI like to make him beg.

Wildcard is into con-non-con, but as much as he has fabulous instincts as a top/dom (he’s really fucking AMAZING to watch), he’s comparatively handicapped in submissive explorations. He’s not someone who could attribute his sub fantasies to being a naturally passive, meek person. As a sub, his erotic charge comes from resisting, and, as a full sized adult male, this makes orgasm denial the perfect lever to bring him to his knees.

As a straight femdom, your partners will usually be bigger, stronger and heavier than you. A good tease and iron clad willpower is your friend for subs who need a little push back. I adore humiliating him with my power. With so much cultural baggage around masculine virility, it’s like a metaphorical ring through a bull’s nose. No matter the muscle, some of the best feelings out there are making a man obey with the lightest of tugs.

Before meeting me, his fantasies focused on three things: forced orgasms, spankings and forced nudity.

All these are pretty hot, but I brought something more to the table he’s never done before, good old fashioned restrictions on when he could come, laced with lots and lots of sneaky sabotage stimulation.

It might be a femdom porn standard, but also a huge kink of mine. I love it, and I love to tease men until they go insane. I love the way it turns my body into a tool of control. And hooray, guess what? Because I kept talking about it, he started getting into orgasm denial just as much as me! Blame my sexy talk and my apparently phenomenal, edging focused hand jobs. since I brought the subject up, he’s been devouring copious amount of denial based erotica even without my encouragement. Score! Guess that means it was time to start locking him up to make that desperate feeling last! Right…?

Nope. Orgasm denial is a slow burn build up.

First of all, he’s a kink-is-part-of-my-life and not a kink-is-my-life person. Precisely because orgasm denial makes him feel submissive, marathon, months long orgasm denial sessions aren’t his thing. Heck, he finds the idea of more than a week without coming too intimidating (for now). That rules out play built around “never letting you come ever, mohahaha!” But beyond that, as much as he likes non-con, feeling forced even by the presence of sexual potential is also potentially triggering. Wildcard’s dealt with some shit in the past and has bristly, bite-y boundaries. So on the one hand he just wants me to take control, on the other hand everything has to be carefully negotiated to make him feel safe. People are complicated.

Orgasm denial, once you throw in the edging and teasing, is something you’ve got to work your way up to. When I first started with him, what was supposed to be a weekend long denial session lasted less than 24 hours. There may have been an oopsie after an extremely erotic suggestion from me. To combat my devilish ways, he’s had to train his dick to know just about when he’s going to come… and he’s still had more than his fair share of ruined orgasms by accident.

So even in 2015, this was a work in progress. Then we moved house, and Christmas happened, and our sex life cum hobby (heehee) of being kinky libertines took a holiday around stress, packing and  some pretty serious relationship growth. And we honestly communicated about stuff. You know, needs and boundaries. Life taught us to have some shitty trust issues that take a lot of deprogramming. You guys endured a blogging hiatus and I’m still tidying up after it.

Six months after the move, I’m happy to say that teasing and depriving him has stayed a mainstay in our sex life. Oh, and edging. I’ve edged him for an hour at a time, making him go just to the point of coming over and over and over again until he was thrashing and begging. And the orgasms he gets from them are some of the intensest he’s ever had.

We do it, over and over again, slippery oil on my palms, or his cock pushing over my tongue. Making him beg. It might not be the rule for daily life, but in the bedroom I make Wildcard work for every orgasm. Last night, after a sound spanking, he even showed how good he’s getting at holding it when I took him to the edge and he managed to hold off for a good thirty seconds of me forcing him. And sneaky truth- he might not have taken on orgasm denial as a full time calling, but when we’re together, even on a vanilla night, he hasn’t come a single time without asking for permission.

The Unbound Box Rocked My Socks

The Unbound Box - Photos By WildcardEvery blogger likes loot. In disclosure before I talk about the Unbound Box, the origin of this was a freebie with no expectations other than reviewing it, but I can confidently say I loved what I got. I liked the presentation, I liked the contents and I found the company itself super pleasant to work with.

Unbound is a sex toy/adult product retailer going for a combination classy/tongue in cheek aesthetic. They’re as likely to remind you you deserve equal pay as all the orgasms you want. Unlike many loot crates, you have some advance warning what you’re going to get, but in my case I went into this completely blind.

I also did not expect to be happy with the results, just vaguely awkward. I get a lot of promotional spam demanding the moon and offering dubious rewards, often “become an affiliate and I swear you will profit!” style invites for products I would never buy or suggest others buy. And although I like the theory of loot crates, in practice I’ve never got a surprise bag where the contents seemed worth the hype, whether makeup samplers like Birch Box (which SHOULD be a box of floggers and canes, but isn’t) or the eponymous “Loot Crate” full of geeky tchotchkes. There’s always a few ok items I wouldn’t have bought anyway and a lot of clutter that feels wasteful. So was the Unbound Box one of those junk bags? I’m happy to say it is not.

Unbound sent me the May 2016 sampler, DELTA ∇, a late birthday gift for yours truly.

Honestly, when I got the package notification. I forgot it might be coming. I had no clues of what was inside, just a plain white box, with something loose but heavy gently sliding when I shook it. However, slicing open the cardboard was a shiny black box tied with a satin ribbon. Squee!

I love presents. I love nice presents even more.

Although they don’t have a set guide on how much you get every time, there were four items in this box. The Intro 2, a vibe with a two finger design; a high end clitoral sensitizer (aka warming lube) by Exsens; and some rhinestone pasties and a body chain, all neatly packed up, including a little cloth storage bag for the vibrator with a sassy quote from Mae West.

As far as the wins, I fell in love with the vibe they gave me (the Intro 2) and they actually hit onto sexy adornment I might actually wear- probably to the sexy Indoor Beach Party I’ve planned next Saturday. And to be fair I’m giving the sensitizer a boot on principle- I’m not a big fan of warming lubes, but I have plenty of friends who are and was able to pass it on. (Note to you Peppermint Kitten, my readers are enthusiastically waiting to see how you liked it!)

Yes, I am shamelessly making my friend rub strange creams on her genitals. But if she doesn’t like it she has a wonderful submissive husband to use it on. #evilcackle

But the Intro 2… omgomgomg.

Not so much a rabbit vibe, but as one particularly reviewer put it, shaped like a Totoro, Unbound aimed to have you use this on your clit and nipples as a part of the Delta’s theme. Out of the box it’s got all the hallmarks of the modern lady friendly toys- pleasant colour schemes, abstract rather than shall we say organic shapes, silicone skin. In other words, a vibe that I would sadly admire on the shelf and move on.

With this toy, the idea is that you can blitz concentrated spots with tingles, lightly pinching and pressing for surround sensation. But what isn’t advertised is that this is a perfect masturbator for a clitoral sides/labia person, which I am, and someone who likes a lot of pressure.

My personal self pleasure technique is what sinks most vibes. In a diverse land of jackhammer hitachis, flicking bunny ears and buzzing bullets, none of this accommodates that my usual self frigging is a sort of rapid V motion with my fingers that puts more arm into it than rowing a boat. Add a motor and my tiny clit either goes numb from over stimulation or gets missed entirely. Vibes always were the thing the cool girls got to play with, and strictly not for me. That is until a nice little surprise inspired me to give it another shot. I mean, it’s only polite to try a gift, right?

Yeah, if you’re on team highly sensitive clit, this little wonder will fit just right into the sides and work with your natural  shape, teasing the lips and hood to let the sensations build up, while the base will let you keep pressing. No more going numb from too many tingles or not enough sensation- I’ve met my vibrator match finally and that means this loot crate did it’s work, getting you to reach out and try things, as curated by someone who understands their market. Consider the Unbound Box a win.

Inside the box, with the INTRO 2 in the front

Unbound Box Value, Based on my Searching:

  • Intro 2 by JimmyJane – About $60
  • Fresh Ginger Litchi by Exsens – About $30
  • Mimi Rhinestone Pasties by bjoux indiscrets – About $10
  • Body Chain by Unbound – $10-ish, but it’s a unique item

Cumulative Price: $110 US
Actual Price: $65 US
Functional Value, based on what I actually wanted: $80 US
A Vibrator that Actually Gets Me Off? Priceless.

 

Fuck Homophobia; Fuck Islamophobia

Love is love is love is love is loveThis is more like a one shot service announcement, but as a sexual libertine I wanted to put this out there, based on the Orlando tragedy:

Fuck homophobia. Fuck blaming Muslims.

As a non-American I don’t feel qualified to give more than an opinion on the subject of gun control (why do you need those? wat? whyyyy?) but as a sexual libertine who screws and plays with people anywhere on the wonderfully unrestrainable gender spectrum, and whose life is so far on the side of sexual liberal that I don’t even know what normal looks like anymore…

We don’t deserve to die, and what kills us is not our choices, it is the choice of others to hate us. And that hate is not uniquely confined to any variant of monotheism, that is a 100% optional. Let every politician who hemmed and hawed about transgender bathrooms or gay marriage know that YOU did this. Let every pastor who decided that the pulpit was their hate catapult be ashamed. Let every TERF who sneered about what a “real” woman was hang your head in fucking SHAME. Hell, even you in the back who was hoping to be the bigger man and saying that it was okay for people to be perverts as long as they hid their icky secret and never expected right, fuck you in particular. Fuck your hate the sin, not the sinner. I am my “sin” and if love is a sin, than fuck you, we love.

The killer was your textbook scene creep (you know the type, nasty messages, nasty disposition, missing stair extraordinaire), lashing out from the closet doorway. Sure he dressed himself in the raiment of whatever big name terrorists he could wind about himself, but if you are buying into this as a remotely Muslim thing… well I don’t know if the word “racist” applies to hating on such a pan-ethnic faith, but you are certainly an ignorant bigot. More than that, you’re explicitly on his side, where he loudly tried to distract everyone from the fact that this was a hate crime with a huge component of self hate. This was the UpStairs Lounge arson attack again, made possible with assault weapons. This was a horrible, abusive person abusing what he (secretly) loved as surely as he abused his wife. Fuck you for trying to make this a talking point so you could bully and harass Muslims in the name of people that, let’s be honest, a decade ago you probably barely acknowledged as human.

I love living in 2016, where Axe body spray ads feature men in heels and I can marry any one adult that will have me. But holy fuck, guys, can we not make a hate sandwich and pretend that being mean to gay people isn’t a homegrown bit of bullshit bso we can be horrid to brown people?

We clear? This blog is pro QUILTBAG and pro any damn faith that gives you peace and cultural warm and fuzzies, whether it’s all of them or none. This is just another drop in a rainstorm of people shouting about gay rights and not being a bigot. But if i have a soap box, I will at least express solidarity to the some 10K sessions you guys make here monthly.