Miss Pearl

I'm the admin, and writer behind this blog. No you cannot hire me to dominate you. :)

Femdom Review: Roar of Thunder

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redmaskRoar of Thunder by Gia Dawn

Roar of Thunder is what I’d describe as a Switch Romance- a story where both characters are competing to dominate the other. From my personal perspective I like a little competition in my dynamic and I don’t mind the idea of mutual thwacking. Switches are also extremely under-served.

And goodness, is this couple fighty and switchy. I emphasize this is a romance novel because the couple, Grace and Ty, do stuff that only makes sense in the weird rules of the genre- for example in the book, shoving someone and shouting “get out!” sans context of consent being simply high drama, not reason to call everything all off and see therapists. Grace and Ty roll around together on the pages like a pair of razor clawed roosters in a cock fighting ring, each trying to take big bloody slashes out of the other. That is, when you don’t have heavy dose of romance novel derp- where the hero inevitably has to talk to his best guy buddy because he doesn’t know how to talk to women, while his sister in playing cupid with the female lead.

But if you’re like me, and you like things turgid and non-con, as well as liking a comforting HEA, the formulaic structure works well with the contents, providing reassuring grounding to something that otherwise shoots my eyebrows up to my hairline as far as unsafe behaviour, while the foofy aspect is balanced by the nasty to avoid being unreadable. This is not a SSC book, indeed its barely RACK, even if it does use the setting of a BDSM club, with all the vocabulary and expectations that go with it. If you don’t like inappropriately pushy people, this is not for you. If, like me, negotiating the boundaries of it being acceptable for your sub to take a swing at you seems like it could lead to sexy results, you might actually have fun.

Now, about the story: Ty, the hero, is your bog standard ex soldier with a troubled mind waiting around to be soothed. Our heroine, Grace, had started as a sub, had a horrifically abusive relationship and couldn’t handle subbing, but her internal monologue makes it unclear if, indeed she’s suffering from “haven’t met the right man yet” syndrome. Grace, and all the various people in Ty’s life, get the idea that what Ty really needs is a dominant to cure his erectile dysfunction and deep seated PTSD problems. I was bracing myself for Grace doing the tumble into submission that so many romance novel heroines do, but I was pleasantly rewarded that all her dominance was most definitely not just for show. Its part of a “Red Mask” series, but you really don’t need the other books to know what’s going on.

You probably aren’t reading this for the plot though, so regarding the sex: When Gia Dawn found out I was doing a review, claimed to lack experience with the real thing (maybe she meant as a dom?). Honestly, it doesn’t show. She likes her butt stuff on the side of chaff-y and painful, but the beating and bondage are erotically constructed into something fun and ouchy. Grace is a caretaker, and her scene control is fun to observe. One thing I wish the author had explored more- Grace was an abuse survivor and decided that subbing didn’t make her feel safe. Ty in no way acted safe, leaping in with full bore jealous/controlling tantrums- I wasn’t sure if enough weight was put into her transition to acknowledge why Ty made her feel comfortable.

Still, about the only critical point I might make is a few “WTF” moments- the characters are supposed to be French, and Ty is mentioned as being ex French Foreign Legion. I think the author meant to place him in the Commandement des Opérations Spéciales (French Special Forces), the Legion not being for wealthy natives of France, but exclusively for non-natives. As a person living in French speaking Canada the French injections into both character’s dialogue felt a bit forced- but honestly, its not her fault her fetish sultry French stereotype fell flat with me- us quasi bilingual readers are not heavy on the ground.

All in all, a solid bit of erotica, whose best quality is the sex. And, if something fairly mainstream friendly makes femdom look hot as she managed, I only hope Gia Dawn writes more.

Category: Erotic romance
Rating: o~o~o~o (4/5)
How I got it: Bought it!
TL;DR: Switches Ty and Grace try to get over their issues by her dominating him.

Friday Femdom Fiction: Meeting Her Slave

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She hit the cafe a full half hour early, despite walking from two bus stops away in heels after she’d gotten distracted and over shot where she was supposed to get off. She realized, as she slipped inside and scanned the room, that she was giddy.  Among the patrons: some students with a pile of notes on their table, and older man with a book and a young woman pecking something out on a white macbook, nobody met the description she expected or matched the picture she looked at on her phone.

[I want to be your slave. Oh, I know, I want to get to know better your first, and obviously that’s a big thing to ask of you, but, I wanted to make my intentions clear. And, if you’re not interested I respect that.

I just haven’t met someone quiet like you before. You’re clever, and funny and mean.]

He was smiling, the picture, a kind of goofy, self conscious grin, but a real smile that half closed his almond eyes. His black hair stood up a little stiffly- he’d taken the photo this morning and was holding a sign with a picture of a hand drawn penguin on it and one word: “SOON”

She knew he worked somewhere near by, admitted it when she picked the venue. The cafe was nice enough, nothing particularly

She ordered a mint tea, trying to pick were to sit. Near the window? She suppressed the urge to bounce on the spot like an impatient child. The cafe chairs were dark varnished and vinyl seats- choosing one so her back was to the wall, she self consciously fiddled with her skirt hem and the clip of her garter on her stocking through her fabric. Was it dishonest to dress this way? It turned her on to know under her dark blue cotton summer dress, everything was soft lace and secret elastic. She told herself the extra confidence couldn’t hurt.

It had happened in a whirlwind month. An offhand positive remark on his part, a polite thank you, a conversation that had spun from teasing into cybersex. They’d crawled off the fetish website, where their pictures were both anonymous headless torsos, his bare with nipples like brown thumb prints, hers corseted in severe black silk, and onto instant messaging, where suddenly seeing a cartoon penguin avatar with a green circle next to it made her heart skip a beat.

If he was truthful, on her online orders, he’d come three times that month, once of his own volition after their first session- her pushing as far as she could as a ‘wicked priestess’, him the explorer who’d stumbled into her secret temple.

*i feel the hard stone slab beneath my back, wonder how many men have perished, tied to the altar this way. i pull hard against the roeps*

(ropes)

*The Priestess holds the dagger high for another moment, teasing your with your helplessness before she brings it down to strink, but stops short of your heart. Instead the razor sharp obsedian point is moved to hook under your collar and slit you shirt open, then moving lower to slash away at your clothes until you are completely naked.* “The Goddess Demands a Different Kind of Sacrifice.”

(arrrgh!, strike, obsidian) 

She never worried before that much about her typos. And yet for all her fretting she was not found wanting. She had been the one to shyly ask him if he wanted to take this offline. And his enthusiastic affirmation at once tied her stomach into knots and made her skip about her apartment like a maniac, singing and drumming on the counter tops until her normally tolerant roommate was rolling her eyes.

Now her phone bleeped with a friendly alert. She thumbed the picture away, checked the text- her roommate and say call: [Any sign of lover boy?]

[Too early!!!!! :P] She thumbed back.

Her tea was too hot to drink and taking forever to steep. She tried to distract herself in a book. Every five minutes she checked her phone. A message

[on my way! might by a minute or two late] It was still five minutes early. She took a nervous sip of her tea. Every time someone came through the door she would perk up and then feel a little stab of disappointment when it wasn’t him.

Oh. There he was. Her tongue took that moment to faint in her mouth as he stepped through the door.

He was wearing a loose green polo and slacks, office clothes, as she’d been told to expect. A cross body strap from his bag put a diagonal bisection against his torso. There was a small stuffed penguin under his arm.

She giggled, remembering a webcam session that had started erotic, and then by afterglow had taken a turn for the adorable. “Is that from your bed?”

He lit up with a wide smile when he saw her.

“Mr. Pepperton wouldn’t let me leave him behind this morning.”

She found her words. All the sensible thoughts she’d had about sitting down and talking practical things went out the window when she spoke in the *voice*.

“Well then, let’s take a look at you.” She let her head roam from his cowlick to the laced brown leather shoes on his feet. He’d stopped abruptly, with a tension that showed even his breath had slowwed. She could tell he was nervous, guessed what he was thinking. “Oh, no, we’re in public. I wouldn’t.”

“Sorry… ”

“Go get yourself something.” She pointed at the counter.

“Okay. Would you like…”

“N-Yes. Another mint tea.” She slid her mug forward. Yes, yes this was going to work very well.

~~~

This is what it looks like in real life, folks. Giddy, silly and happy- and more than a little be awkward

 

30 Days of Kink: BDSM Relationships?

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Day 22: What do you think is important in keeping a BDSM relationship healthy?  How does it differ from a vanilla relationship?

Although ‘vanilla’ relationships are already hampered by problems like differing base expectations, kinky relationships don’t even have the weight of cultural tradition to turn to. Pretty much all the established tropes and cliches in BDSM are both incredibly regional and incredibly fuzzy in their precise meaning. What, for example, does a collar mean, anyway?

I think BDSM relationships are particularly guilty of escalating quickly and are more likely to fall under the influence of an unhealthy scarcity mentality. There’s a joke about lesbians moving in together on the first date that applies here– and as well as over commitment, lot of people seem to enter into kinky relationships with stronger expectations than normal. Kink forums reflect the result in an endless stream of questions about why it isn’t working, where the problems are generally just that both people never really looked beyond the fact that they shared roughly similar fantasies.

On the other hand, if you’re kinked in vanilla land, you may have compromised on your sexuality and decided getting your way just wasn’t that important to you or perfection just didn’t . For me, a guy who actually gets me going properly is such a rare bird that he’s liable to get the full weight of my attention. I worry about labels later.

And the meat-and-potatoes (or legume and potatoes for vegetarians) is going to be those day to day things. I don’t subscribe to the idea that BDSM takes extra, extra communication or something- all relationships succeed and fail on respect and gloopy brain chemistry. My sex is no more or less fancy than anyone else’s. There’s so many ways to do vanilla properly its hubris to expect only my sex life takes additional instruction.

Day 23: Since you first developed an interest in kink, have your interests/perspectives changed?  How so?

Well, I discovered I was a femdom! I mean, I always knew I was kinked, but trying to put a finger on the role that felt most comfortable has always been challenging. Is it bad to say I don’t think I evolved much from my starting place? My approach to relationships have gotten more mature, but that’s more a thing about self esteem that would apply even if I was a trigendered otherkin leopard or vanilla as cheap soft serve.

BDSM relationships, I admit, are always something that I think have to come secondary to human relationships. For example a gay couple are humans first and gay second. On the fetish front, I don’t think I’ve been particularly inconsistent- but as I’ve talked about the inherent challenges of femdom identity VS femdom stereotype extensively elsewhere, suffice to say my primary evolution is just ruling out things I’ve tried that I don’t like- but this in no way has meant I’ve run out of new things to try or old things to try in new ways.

Day 24: What qualities do you look for in a partner?

Playfulness and open minded- strong communication skills. Being flippant, I like my men sensitive, nerdy and needy, but I have a preference for ‘wound’. In a world of people drooling over Captain Jack Sparrow I’m more of a Norrington person. I also tend to like my men on the switch-y side, and like 99% of dominant women seem to, the mating call of “I’m the MOST pathetic!” does not do anything for me. Ironically I find a guy’s need to get into your head for counter insurgency more attentive than a guy delivering up ready-to-serve fantasies.

Physically, I like a lean build, longer limbs and consumptive poet-esque aesthetics. However I’m more likely to over look the physical for good intellectual chemistry. Cybersex is one of the quickest ways to dampen my knickers. One of the social characteristics that most attracts me to a guy is homeliness- a certain ability to make things feel like a proper nest. Guys who cook and understand the need to be comfortable gel well.

With Wildcard, one of the things I particularly like is how seriously he takes me. It goes beyond submission, and into considering even my foibles and particulars interesting and important.

If my tastes have a flaw, its that I like to tidy and improve a man’s life. This is mostly an outlet for my controlling streak and I’d never pretend otherwise.

The Things You Cannot Have

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No, you can’t have my photo. If I don’t feel compelled for you to have it, there’s no reason I would want you to.

No, I’m not going to tell you, personally, in intimate detail, what I do with my partners. If I don’t put it on the blog, I wasn’t planning on sharing.

No, I won’t write you a custom story for free.

No, I will not look at these unsolicited naked pics of you. Nor did I want them.

No, I will not re-blog your press release. If you want advertising, pay for it. and I won’t reblog your stupid UK based twaddle- NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOUR CELEBRITY DIET.

No, I am not looking for a slave assistant.

No, I’m not looking for an online slave.

No, I don’t want to promote your new sex toy that I’m never going to get to try.

No, you may not have my Skype.

No, I’m not looking to co-author a story with a stranger, no matter how cool you think your idea is.

No, I will not train you how to be submissive. It is within you or it is not.

I hope that clears a few things up. 😉

 

Perils (and Pleasures) of Dating a Switch

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Perils of dating a switch Wildcard is a switch

Switches get a bad rap in the BDSM scene, possibly for the same reason that some people (idiots) don’t know what to do with bisexuals. They get all the same myths and assumptions (switches need to be poly, switches MUST switch and can never be happy with a 100% dom or sub, etc…). I even had people explicitly tell me that Wildcard wouldn’t be able to make me as happy as a pure sub.

The open-ish bit in our relationship makes whether or not switches *need* to be poly a moot point. There are no shortage of cute little things wanting spankings to keep Wildcard happily satiated if switching was some sort of dual meter that needed to be filled. But it doesn’t really work that way because D/s orientations seldom fit into neat boxes to begin with.

Take any group of doms and there will be such a broad expression of how they do what they do and what lifts their luggage, that dominant is just a vague starting point. For example Ferns abhors brats, while Dee would like a sub who can second guess her with panache. Me, I’m a sadomasochist. “Aha!” a fool in the audience pipes up. “Clearly you just need a guy to show you how to submit properly, like all so called lady doms!” Well, no, sit down fool, and I’ll explain.

I’ve said this before. I like my violent bedroom romps, but I can’t sub properly. It rustles my jimmies. Its not been for lack of trying, but the closest I ever got was power-behind-the-throne style scenarios.

Nonetheless I seem to have a history of dating switch-y men. That is to say that for me, I prefer fighty, fiesty, etc… I like a dynamic that’s all high drama plotting and scheming- although in my day to day life I like cozy and simple, my erotic imagination demands flirting sword fights. That’s one of the things that first attracted me to my Gentleman, other than his good looks and well wound charm. So we romp and play in all sorts of ways.

On the other hand, Wildcard also expresses his switching on the binary. He can be all masterful domly dom; or he can be helpless and whimpering and craving being told what to do. Its all the same to him, really. For him, it’s therefore been an occasional challenge to deal with the fact that I can signal all quivery and whimpery, but my brain just doesn’t go to happy sub land. some of this fits into the psychological dominance thing- I like controlling guys with dom urges with seemingly vulnerable behaviours. I already told you about what I did to the Swede- finding it more erotic to “force” him to explore his dominance than trod the well traveled ground of his submission.

The peril, though, is not that the switch or the dom is not enough in the relationship, its that dominance is a really vulnerable state, and with Wildcard the biggest challenge has been unhorsing him mid-ride, knocking him into the metaphorical mud. Its a challenge for him to work with the fact that I don’t bend in the way a sub is supposed to. You know, you apply the right sot of pressure and it melts into yum.

Early on in our relationship, Wildcard discovered my ability to remove myself from the moment and take control again. This is not a dominance pissing contest about which one of us is more inherently dominant, its more the reality that I don’t think I’m inherently capable of releasing control anymore than I’m capable of finding fridges erotic. So one night, he was playing with my body, trying to get a rise out of me, and met the clamp of my control – laughter, carefully planned to bounce the pain of the game away from myself and stand, indomitable.

You can mark a change in his behaviour from that point on- I think its were he became aware for serious about the dom thing with me. For him beating a girl is a means to creating a reaction in her that he wants, and I don’t think he’d really cottoned onto the idea of using his needs for my own sake or even that the door that he thought led one place just connected him through to the same stairs as the other route we took. For me, whatever I’m doing, its about Me. He already noted that when he met me, I was refreshingly different in my reactions. On the other hand, his dominance is a real thing.

I’m not entirely sure how he thinks about my imperfect switching. For a while he would make jokes about it “no, collar YOU! heeheehee…” I sometimes feel that he half gets it- he understands not wanting to to be not dominant, but not so much my dogged instance that switch doesn’t feel right as a label. In any case its something that I think he internalizes as “Pearl’s odd but important limits” in the same category of not putting a wet finger in my ear- he doesn’t need to understand it to respect it.

But as far as the urges I can’t fill, that’s just part of the way the game is structured- we’ve both discovered that there’s things I like (eg face slapping) that feel very wrong for him. I don’t feel that his switching in any way is different than a sub partner that doesn’t want to do whatever their limits are or has fetishes you don’t share.

I guess the biggest “peril” is not the odd consensual spank, but rather working with his dominance in such a way as I can hijack it to get my kicks, without devaluing it to him. Nonetheless, dating a switch is still the best way to get the sort of behaviors I want to hijack in the first place, and that part is the pleasure part.

My Kind of Femdom Romance

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Tuesday: I walk home in the light drizzle of the late evening, stress of the day like a pack of rocks on my shoulders. I think bad, self pitying thoughts, feeling bereft, ignored and insignificant. My phone is an insistent white glare in my hand, as I truly to sort out someone’s problem for them. Up the front steps and into the entrance hall, the smell that envelopes me is warm and savoury. In the kitchen I hear a small thump, turn and see that he’s kneeling.

He’s naked on the tile, tawny and lean and male. I feel a little clutch of guilt, because I seem to enjoy poisoning my own happiness. I tell him I’m not that hungry- I ate earlier. I warn him I’m stressed, he might not get beaten. He takes it, accepting, pets me. I peel off down to my panties, white with rutching at the hips and tight little black bows, find something at fault with my body in the mirror and push aside my current obsession with the girth of my hips to put my attention back on him.

A flop heavy into the rumpled blankets into the bed. He makes me smile with his patience, makes up a plate of his own dinner and coaxes me to try some sweet potato from his fingers. Delicious. He talks self consciously about the sugar content, talking about his cooking knowledge. I steal another piece from his fork as he brings it to his mouth, walk to the kitchen and try little bites of the leftovers.

He finishes his meal and I push him back into the pillows, hands to his wrists. I ask him how he’s feeling.

He confesses his fantasies, describing how he’d thought about being left in a stand up cage, blindfolded, for any woman to enjoy. My voice becomes a lure and a lead, taking this thread and winding it about him. Very soon his eyes are covered and my hangs are roaming, pinching and exploring as I make the fantasy as real as possible.

My hand smacks almond shaped hand prints into the cheeks of his ass, and his cock is massive, head beaded with precum. I leave him blindfolded and tell him about how one of the women would tug him to the bars and pull his hard cock through the gap, as I take him into my mouth.

He wants to come. I make him edge for me instead, until I’m sure he can’t get any harder, until he’s panting with desperation. When he was blindfolded I already saw him writhing about, now his hang is gripping my soft thigh, hard.

Just before he comes I tell him “if you do I get to do whatever I want to you”. I like that extra little jolt of fear- he’s not sure if he’s heard me, but its past the point of no return.

His come ends up in my mouth, down my throat, and he’s already screaming before the spurting starts. He’s past coherence, past profanity, even sounding pained. Post orgasm, he’s a stunned mess.

The gusset of my panties is wet, soaked through. After he recovers he wants me to come, and uses his hands and his voice to help me. We have sex this way a lot- its very intimate, lots of touching and lots of control for me. When I come we end up tangled into a perfect cuddle.

I’m at peace, all the stress of the day washed away, wanting nothing more than to hold and be held by what’s mine.

The Pet Gentleman Published

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Femdom story by Miss PearlThe Pet Gentleman is live!

I’m really proud of  myself. Its really been a teaching experience, getting familiar with ebook publishing, hiring an artist (YuMine Guo you rock) and getting it up on Amazon. It’s Book 1 of Catamite and so on.

For those of you who have no idea what I’m talking about, it’s a 20 K work of femdom erotica, a non-con captivity romance. Lady Harringtion takes the poet and political prisoner, Phillip and breaks him down, turning him into her Pet Gentleman and slave. Getting it in ebook was really a way of reaching out to new audiences, as well as a way of getting an edited copy out there and no longer split up between a bunch of floating blog posts.

Should you read it? Well, do you like your femdom really mean in practice, but coming from a place of intense, enveloping possessiveness, where the humiliation is in the act of being owned and not a fundamental degradation of the person’s character or appearance?

In the coming months its going to be my goal to get it available for other ebook formats. I went with DRM free on principle – but for now its available via kindle here: MY FEMDOM BOOK.

Alternatively if you are sad and poor and want to take a peek its available in broken up parts through my femdom stories section, though I caution that’s incomplete. I’ll be releasing the squeal in a few months, according to demand – and when I negotiate with the artist over the next cover.

I’m Back!

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Okay, that was an embarrassingly long hiatus.

I had the good fortune of working on a rather long femdom freelance story commission last month- I got to research some fetishes I’m not so familiar with and knock off a 4K word female led society with a side order of erotic F/m wrestling. The person who made the order was very encouraging and tolerated my world building obsession.

I turned 29 and organized a splendid birthday with a burlesque performance. I’ve been flirting with boys like its going out of style. Wildcard remains amused by this in about the same way one might be about their significant other’s un-shared but appreciated interest in bird-watching. sorry guys, no hot sexy tales of cuckolding adventures. I continue to enjoy the perks of domestic life with Wildcard.

We blew off a wedding to go to the local Secret By Invitation Only Play Party (because I know the organizer and 15 people cancelled so we wanted her to still break even on venue rental) and I had a sexy teasing scene where I was apparently so hot I distracted the dungeon monitor.

Funny anecdote from my birthday- the party was an invite absolutely everyone deal, so you had vanilla and kinky people in the same area. This is less of a problem than you might thing- the Venn Diagram for Kinky/Nerdy is basically a circle, but it led to an amusing double take when I introduced my (DM) Dungeon Master to another person as such and they did a double take as the relationship Miss Pearl the femdom had with this dude. I think he heard “this is my DOM”. Teehee.

As you know, Yumine delivered a splendid cover for “Catamite” now re-titled “The Pet Gentleman”. I’m swearing and slapping photoshop while I try to typeset. I’m still undecided on the “Too Hot For Literotica” sticker. You’ll be seeing it going live when it goes through Amazon’s approvals process, at which point expect to be saturated with HEY GUYS I HAVE A BOOK.

I promise not to turn my twitter account into non-stop book link spam. Some authors do this (you know who you are guys) and I don’t think its very pleasant to follow. Instead it’ll mostly be the usual pictures of my feet, complaints about being hungry and porn pics I liked. 😛

Femdom Stuff to Make Him Do While You Figure Things Out

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So, you want to not just be a dominant, but do dominant things with a partner…

Maybe he’s the sub who opened your door and now you want to keep the momentum by making things about your initiative now. Or maybe you don’t follow the stereotypical script and you’re not learning how to get your kink on to please a subby hubby- maybe what you’re looking for is the best way to introduce kink to a new guy or a vanilla boyfriend. Maybe you’re single and dreaming of  a someday submissive. Maybe you’re not even sure about any of this and it’s all an experiment.

Regardless of your goals, here’s some femdom stuff to make him do to help get you rolling.

Rule #1

If you’re not both having fun, something’s gone horribly, terribly wrong. Always refer back to this rule if its not working and figure out why the fun is gone. Note that as the sub he can be having fun in the abstract over reaching way.  (e.g. ‘Miss, this is ouchy!’ but later ‘OMG Miss that was sooo hot!’).

The Voice and Aura of Command.

Shoulders square, back straight, talk from deeper in your chest. Meet his gaze and hold it- make him be the one to look away. If he refuses to do it on his own, tell him to look away. Inversely if he has trouble looking at you, make him do so. It may feel like a cheap trick, but hey, putting someone a little socially off balance is great for making you the boss. Your posture helps carry the authority you are trying to embody.

Dominants don’t need special outfits, but it is not uncommon to use certain clothes or symbols to help you both get into the mood, particularly if this is an occasional dynamic and your partner and you normally have a more egalitarian dynamic going on. Of course, looking back to Rule #1, if the idea of a special outfit makes you feel weird or even bored, think about what you feel most comfortable in. Whether that’s your interview get up or your birthday suit (fuzzy slippers remain popular with real life doms all around the world), the main thing is that you need to feel like you can be in charge and command attention that way.

Orgasm Control, Tease and Denial.

A lot of people of all kink orientations only want to do this in the bedroom and there’s not a thing wrong with that. Orgasm control is a safe fun thing to play with- by making use of his genitals, either coming or not, or teasing himself (or you teasing him) you get control of a part of his life that’s very personal and intimate, but also is unlikely to effect his job, family life, etc…

This can be a bridge that takes your kink outside the bedroom, for example putting him on a schedule to come or making him text you every time he has a naughty thought.  This puts you in the drivers seat, while many people find that the sensation of being disempowered from their own bodies makes them feel a powerful connection to their dominant.

Meanwhile, being able to sexually tease can make you feel powerful. Keep in mind that contrary to stereotypes, not all men are a barrel of horny- if he’s not particularly responsive it is not a failure in you as a dominant- refer back to Rule #1 and see what works best for you.

Hurting People… Gently.

Sadomasochistic play can be controversial, because outside of kink and combat sports, no nice person wants to hurt other people. On the other hand, rough sex is as old as recorded history. We all understand that sexy can be exhilarating, marking and vigorous. S&M is really an extension of that, and can be as hard or as light as you like.

Butts are a popular target area because they are both fairly well padded against injury and packed with good nerve endings. The trick here is to start small and work your way up. You are also more likely to get results if your partner is already aroused- this tends to cause what would otherwise painful to translate into sexual stimulation. On the other hand, face slapping can be particularly tempting, but while a little stinging pat is harmless, keep in mind that human skulls are not designed to be shaken about. Punch drunk submissives are NOT a good thing.

To make your spanking or hitting session last longer, start very light, almost patting on bare skin or through clothes. Humans are weird, whacks that made him whimper the safeword in your first moments may be happily accepted or even shrugged off as he relaxes into you getting your way. Kinky people call the lighter hits a “warm up”, and this is pretty much what you’re doing.

The vulnerability of letting someone else hurt you is also a powerful source of submissive feelings for many people, even those who are not sexual masochists. It can also make you feel a strong emotional connection to your victim, both because of the enjoyment of the sense of power over them or because people find vulnerability cute.

Wooden spoons, clothes pins, his belt, and pretty much anything that appeals to your imagination and you have lying around the house can be perverted. Not sure about getting too mean or want to switch up your sensation menu? Try the humble ice cube. Held in the mouth, run over the body or even, if you’re feeling naughty, inserted (smooth ice only please!), small amounts of cold are a relatively safe source of sensation that everyone has access to.

Do not play pain games while stoned, high or drunk. We warned you.

A Little Bondage.

You don’t need to tie people up to be a femdom, but restricting people’s movement is a great way to make someone feel helpless. There’s a few basic things to remember, starting with safety. Rope, ties or handcuffs can cut off circulation and you mustn’t leave a bound person unattended. Scared now? Don’t be!

When you have someone tied up, just remember to periodically check their extremities for changes in temperature or colour, and you’ll be good to go. That being said, thinner bondage material is more likely to be pinchy, so if your rope is narrow, wrapping it several times prevents the pressure of the binding from concentrating on one spot. You may also want to invest in blunt tipped emergency scissors as the level up to bondage safety.

Still not sure about knots or cuffs? How about some Bondage Tape? It sticks to itself  but not to anything else. It’s usually about $10 a roll at a sex shop- and is available non-kinkily as “vet wrap”.

Robe ties and bed posts are good. Ignore Cosmo’s horrifying idea to use your bra (in fact ignore pretty much all their advice in this department). Got a cheap pair of unlined metal play handcuffs? Put socks on your victim’s hands for instant bondage mitts with wrist protection. And one last thing- regarding suspending people- don’t hang people by their wrists with regular rope loop or cuffs, as wrists don’t work that way. Bondage enthusiasts either use special wrap ties or cuffs with extra support to prevent damaging their victims.

Bossing People For Fun.

Finding femdom stuff to make him do is often about flexing your power in a way that makes you feel good. Its not about being hijacked into highly specific service activities because they are popular in porn- for example if you’re a domestic goddess you don’t need to give up the kitchen just because you like to be the boss (although you can leave him all the dishes to wash after your latest baking spree, heeheehee).

If you and your partner are new to you taking charge, this can feel surprisingly daunting. The trick here is that to support you, when you give a command from a dom position, he has to to make a best effort to comply and you need to make your instructions feasible. So start small- a 30 point slave contract might start hot, but you’ll both get less burned out with one or two rules. Here’s some examples of rules you might try:

For a couple that’s bedroom only: “You are not allowed to wear clothing when you submit to me. I expect you do go into the bedroom, take your clothes off and wait for me, kneeling on the bed with your back to the door and your eyes closed until I am ready.”

For a couple trying a dynamic beyond the bedroom: “When we are alone together, you will call me (Miss/Mistress/Ma’am/My Lady/Beautiful).”

For a portable dynamic: “You will send me a sexy idea every day, by text, when you get home from work.”

For a service dynamic: “I expect flowers in a vase on my bureau, refreshed regularly. I will not find any wilted blossoms or… [some sort of kinky punishment]”

One of the things you should probably make a distinction about is instructions you absolutely must have followed to feel okay and instructions you are comfortable with having broken. Some subs are miserable getting punished for failures, while others find they can only enjoy sadomasochistic play in the context of “deserving” it. Incidentally, the jargon for some person taking charge and the other person deferring is power exchange.

Fetishes and You.

The term fetish and kink are commonly used interchangeably, but in common speech, a fetish refers to the miscellaneous extras that one of you either finds sexy or thinks that they might enjoy. This might be outfits, textures, body parts, etc… These things are valid to want, but by no means required for everyone, and will be very specific to the person.

that being said, it’s not uncommon for a woman who wishes to domme, regardless of per personal aesthetics, to be offered submission wrapped up in what her partner also fetishizes. Sometimes your partner may not understand certain things don’t have to be paired, for example he thinks wearing leather is a must for all female dominants, or he must be naked while you are clothed to be submissive.

It’s ok to have deal breakers (if you don’t like having sex to classical music, don’t!), but not all fetishes are nasty not subby interjections either. Working with them can give you more to play with.

The trick here is to remember that these are tools for your mutual benefit, but should not supercede you, and your sense of having power. For example, lets say your gentleman has a thing for white satin panties. If you always have to wear these panties to get what you want, you can very quickly find yourself frustrated to be stuck playing to his script. A lot of kink newbies get caught here.

Because of this, if he wants to support your dominance, he has to work with you to accept that the panties or other fetish object or behaviour don’t make the dominant, the dominant chooses the panties and brings their dominance to whatever they do. Be confident to break his script- you can indulge him if you want to without losing your place in a dynamic, but sustaining feeling dominant puts things on your terms.

On the other hand, maybe you are the one with the fetish- maybe you feel extra dominant when you make a man crawl on all fours and act like your pet, or flex his shoulders, or dress like Mr. Darcy. By all means, indulge yourself. Even if your fetish is not commonly associated with femdom stereotypes, its still ok.

Closing Notes

Keep in mind that kink is a broad, big buffet, so your partner’s attitude towards things is going to be unique- as will yours! The dynamic you build together will not be a carbon copy of any other person’s dynamic- and if something isn’t working, don’t get discouraged. Just change your approach until you find what makes you happy.

Post Script!

A nice part about the evolving nature of a blog post is you can update it as more information becomes available.

I sincerely recognize the newbie femdom consider the work by Sharyn Ferns as another great way of jumping off from fantasy into doing. Kindle link.