O Non-Fiction

Rants, scene write ups, reviews, basically everything that isn’t erotica.

Femdom Stuff to Make Him Do While You Figure Things Out

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So, you want to not just be a dominant, but do dominant things with a partner…

Maybe he’s the sub who opened your door and now you want to keep the momentum by making things about your initiative now. Or maybe you don’t follow the stereotypical script and you’re not learning how to get your kink on to please a subby hubby- maybe what you’re looking for is the best way to introduce kink to a new guy or a vanilla boyfriend. Maybe you’re single and dreaming of  a someday submissive. Maybe you’re not even sure about any of this and it’s all an experiment.

Regardless of your goals, here’s some femdom stuff to make him do to help get you rolling.

Rule #1

If you’re not both having fun, something’s gone horribly, terribly wrong. Always refer back to this rule if its not working and figure out why the fun is gone. Note that as the sub he can be having fun in the abstract over reaching way.  (e.g. ‘Miss, this is ouchy!’ but later ‘OMG Miss that was sooo hot!’).

The Voice and Aura of Command.

Shoulders square, back straight, talk from deeper in your chest. Meet his gaze and hold it- make him be the one to look away. If he refuses to do it on his own, tell him to look away. Inversely if he has trouble looking at you, make him do so. It may feel like a cheap trick, but hey, putting someone a little socially off balance is great for making you the boss. Your posture helps carry the authority you are trying to embody.

Dominants don’t need special outfits, but it is not uncommon to use certain clothes or symbols to help you both get into the mood, particularly if this is an occasional dynamic and your partner and you normally have a more egalitarian dynamic going on. Of course, looking back to Rule #1, if the idea of a special outfit makes you feel weird or even bored, think about what you feel most comfortable in. Whether that’s your interview get up or your birthday suit (fuzzy slippers remain popular with real life doms all around the world), the main thing is that you need to feel like you can be in charge and command attention that way.

Orgasm Control, Tease and Denial.

A lot of people of all kink orientations only want to do this in the bedroom and there’s not a thing wrong with that. Orgasm control is a safe fun thing to play with- by making use of his genitals, either coming or not, or teasing himself (or you teasing him) you get control of a part of his life that’s very personal and intimate, but also is unlikely to effect his job, family life, etc…

This can be a bridge that takes your kink outside the bedroom, for example putting him on a schedule to come or making him text you every time he has a naughty thought.  This puts you in the drivers seat, while many people find that the sensation of being disempowered from their own bodies makes them feel a powerful connection to their dominant.

Meanwhile, being able to sexually tease can make you feel powerful. Keep in mind that contrary to stereotypes, not all men are a barrel of horny- if he’s not particularly responsive it is not a failure in you as a dominant- refer back to Rule #1 and see what works best for you.

Hurting People… Gently.

Sadomasochistic play can be controversial, because outside of kink and combat sports, no nice person wants to hurt other people. On the other hand, rough sex is as old as recorded history. We all understand that sexy can be exhilarating, marking and vigorous. S&M is really an extension of that, and can be as hard or as light as you like.

Butts are a popular target area because they are both fairly well padded against injury and packed with good nerve endings. The trick here is to start small and work your way up. You are also more likely to get results if your partner is already aroused- this tends to cause what would otherwise painful to translate into sexual stimulation. On the other hand, face slapping can be particularly tempting, but while a little stinging pat is harmless, keep in mind that human skulls are not designed to be shaken about. Punch drunk submissives are NOT a good thing.

To make your spanking or hitting session last longer, start very light, almost patting on bare skin or through clothes. Humans are weird, whacks that made him whimper the safeword in your first moments may be happily accepted or even shrugged off as he relaxes into you getting your way. Kinky people call the lighter hits a “warm up”, and this is pretty much what you’re doing.

The vulnerability of letting someone else hurt you is also a powerful source of submissive feelings for many people, even those who are not sexual masochists. It can also make you feel a strong emotional connection to your victim, both because of the enjoyment of the sense of power over them or because people find vulnerability cute.

Wooden spoons, clothes pins, his belt, and pretty much anything that appeals to your imagination and you have lying around the house can be perverted. Not sure about getting too mean or want to switch up your sensation menu? Try the humble ice cube. Held in the mouth, run over the body or even, if you’re feeling naughty, inserted (smooth ice only please!), small amounts of cold are a relatively safe source of sensation that everyone has access to.

Do not play pain games while stoned, high or drunk. We warned you.

A Little Bondage.

You don’t need to tie people up to be a femdom, but restricting people’s movement is a great way to make someone feel helpless. There’s a few basic things to remember, starting with safety. Rope, ties or handcuffs can cut off circulation and you mustn’t leave a bound person unattended. Scared now? Don’t be!

When you have someone tied up, just remember to periodically check their extremities for changes in temperature or colour, and you’ll be good to go. That being said, thinner bondage material is more likely to be pinchy, so if your rope is narrow, wrapping it several times prevents the pressure of the binding from concentrating on one spot. You may also want to invest in blunt tipped emergency scissors as the level up to bondage safety.

Still not sure about knots or cuffs? How about some Bondage Tape? It sticks to itself  but not to anything else. It’s usually about $10 a roll at a sex shop- and is available non-kinkily as “vet wrap”.

Robe ties and bed posts are good. Ignore Cosmo’s horrifying idea to use your bra (in fact ignore pretty much all their advice in this department). Got a cheap pair of unlined metal play handcuffs? Put socks on your victim’s hands for instant bondage mitts with wrist protection. And one last thing- regarding suspending people- don’t hang people by their wrists with regular rope loop or cuffs, as wrists don’t work that way. Bondage enthusiasts either use special wrap ties or cuffs with extra support to prevent damaging their victims.

Bossing People For Fun.

Finding femdom stuff to make him do is often about flexing your power in a way that makes you feel good. Its not about being hijacked into highly specific service activities because they are popular in porn- for example if you’re a domestic goddess you don’t need to give up the kitchen just because you like to be the boss (although you can leave him all the dishes to wash after your latest baking spree, heeheehee).

If you and your partner are new to you taking charge, this can feel surprisingly daunting. The trick here is that to support you, when you give a command from a dom position, he has to to make a best effort to comply and you need to make your instructions feasible. So start small- a 30 point slave contract might start hot, but you’ll both get less burned out with one or two rules. Here’s some examples of rules you might try:

For a couple that’s bedroom only: “You are not allowed to wear clothing when you submit to me. I expect you do go into the bedroom, take your clothes off and wait for me, kneeling on the bed with your back to the door and your eyes closed until I am ready.”

For a couple trying a dynamic beyond the bedroom: “When we are alone together, you will call me (Miss/Mistress/Ma’am/My Lady/Beautiful).”

For a portable dynamic: “You will send me a sexy idea every day, by text, when you get home from work.”

For a service dynamic: “I expect flowers in a vase on my bureau, refreshed regularly. I will not find any wilted blossoms or… [some sort of kinky punishment]”

One of the things you should probably make a distinction about is instructions you absolutely must have followed to feel okay and instructions you are comfortable with having broken. Some subs are miserable getting punished for failures, while others find they can only enjoy sadomasochistic play in the context of “deserving” it. Incidentally, the jargon for some person taking charge and the other person deferring is power exchange.

Fetishes and You.

The term fetish and kink are commonly used interchangeably, but in common speech, a fetish refers to the miscellaneous extras that one of you either finds sexy or thinks that they might enjoy. This might be outfits, textures, body parts, etc… These things are valid to want, but by no means required for everyone, and will be very specific to the person.

that being said, it’s not uncommon for a woman who wishes to domme, regardless of per personal aesthetics, to be offered submission wrapped up in what her partner also fetishizes. Sometimes your partner may not understand certain things don’t have to be paired, for example he thinks wearing leather is a must for all female dominants, or he must be naked while you are clothed to be submissive.

It’s ok to have deal breakers (if you don’t like having sex to classical music, don’t!), but not all fetishes are nasty not subby interjections either. Working with them can give you more to play with.

The trick here is to remember that these are tools for your mutual benefit, but should not supercede you, and your sense of having power. For example, lets say your gentleman has a thing for white satin panties. If you always have to wear these panties to get what you want, you can very quickly find yourself frustrated to be stuck playing to his script. A lot of kink newbies get caught here.

Because of this, if he wants to support your dominance, he has to work with you to accept that the panties or other fetish object or behaviour don’t make the dominant, the dominant chooses the panties and brings their dominance to whatever they do. Be confident to break his script- you can indulge him if you want to without losing your place in a dynamic, but sustaining feeling dominant puts things on your terms.

On the other hand, maybe you are the one with the fetish- maybe you feel extra dominant when you make a man crawl on all fours and act like your pet, or flex his shoulders, or dress like Mr. Darcy. By all means, indulge yourself. Even if your fetish is not commonly associated with femdom stereotypes, its still ok.

Closing Notes

Keep in mind that kink is a broad, big buffet, so your partner’s attitude towards things is going to be unique- as will yours! The dynamic you build together will not be a carbon copy of any other person’s dynamic- and if something isn’t working, don’t get discouraged. Just change your approach until you find what makes you happy.

Post Script!

A nice part about the evolving nature of a blog post is you can update it as more information becomes available.

I sincerely recognize the newbie femdom consider the work by Sharyn Ferns as another great way of jumping off from fantasy into doing. Kindle link.

Wildcard’s Submission: A History

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So a couple of days ago Wildcard suggested that he was warming up to the idea of being my part time submissive. Our relationship has always not quite fit into people’s expectations of me, and for us, something that I’m okay with, but leads to no end of boggling on the part of people who think in terms of binaries and hierarchies. I spend a lot of time correcting people who ask “so he’s your sub…?” or lifting the jaws off of floors of people who see him in dom mode after seeing him as naked vulnerable man because a surprising quantity of people don’t believe in switches.

Wildcard broached the subject of a power dynamic when we first became a couple, as an assumption that he had that it was a requirement. Obviously *the* Miss Pearl needs a sub to be happy, right? And if he wanted to be a fixture in my life that was required and no asking for what he wanted either (because topping from the bottom!). I did the sensible thing and took him on a crash course on enthusiastic consent, veto-ing the whole no limits thing before it started. In the manner of pansexual people explaining their interests, I don’t fall in love with sexual orientations, I fall in love with people.

Some of his assumptions were understandable. Prior to me, while he was awash in submissive leaning ladies flirting at him, femdoms appear to be a coy bunch and the sum total of his experience was a professional dominant who did a bang up job of introducing him to impact play, but obviously couldn’t be expected to do more than that.

After a rough couple of weeks in that period, when I was caressing and holding him him after an evening of caretaking, he softly piped up that being my pet, you know… didn’t sound that bad. For me this wasn’t quite good enough. I like fake non-con, struggling, etc… but I sure as heck cannot handle real reluctance and told him that much. Actually I did the wibbly lower lip thing and sniffled, but you can pretend I had a non-emotional, frank and considerate discussion on power exchange like people seem to imagine I have.

Wildcard is happy in scene based, limited power exchange, and that’s been that. He made a few attempts to dom me and I utterly failed to to respond in a way he could work with, and the longer we’ve been together the more he’s had to admit that he just can’t see me as that sort of role. For me its surprisingly hard to give up a part of him, even the dominant part that I’m only dog in the mangering. Call it my control freak nature- I don’t provide that outet but it feels like a loss for me to not have access to it. But, for him he’s admitted that I make him feel submissive in a way nobody else does.

But of his own volition he’s now expressed an interest in more formalized submission in his life- still not 24/7, but certainly ever encroaching into what we do together. We shall see what will become of this.

Toy Review: Remote Control Silicone Plug by Pipedream

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bzzzzThis Is The Story Of The The Vibrating Butt Plug That Didn’t

I like toys that work with two people. I like to buy Wildcard Tenga Eggs, and for our anniversary I got him a bouquet of crops and a Hand Solo. Valentines Day last, he came home to a bed scattered with hitty things and cut paper hearts. But this time it was his turn to go shopping and he tried to find us something we’ve both had fantasies about for a while: a remote control vibrator to tease him silly.

Vibrations work beautifully to reduce him to frustrated squirming, and our knock off hitachi comes to bed on a regular basis. However it’s surprisingly hard to find something that works for dudes and is portable- one supposes one can use one of the insertable eggs I’ve seen on the market, but I’m leery about losing things without a flared base in places where the plumbing doesn’t have a proper limit at the top. All manner of external vibes meant for women don’t tuck into the best spots and its surprisingly hard to tie something to a guy’s cock.

Enter the Remote Control Silicone Plug, ordered from Pink Cherry. It’s got a pleasant visual design and texture- black, a sturdy dense plug about the size of a standard chicken’s egg with a hollow core in which to insert a slim vibrator with a long looped tail, and a discreet remote with two buttons. Pipedream seemed to be a reliable enough brand and I’m a sucker for silicone toys, so when the box arrived I was more than a little excited, and I don’t just mean in my lady bits.

Pity its a non-functional piece of shit, isn’t it?

The first time we ordered it and found it to be defective during testing, we took advantage of the retailer’s no questions asked return/exchange policy and they shipped us a replacement. I was quite excited to get a second try, figuring that surely this time we were in for a treat. Then real life hit and it sat in its box, waiting for the right moment.

Luckily Wildcard was especially horny Tuesday of this week and in total anal slut mode, so it was time to finally break the new toy in. After some fiddling around with batteries (included) we got the toy up and running. (Did I mention there are few more mundane mood killers than trying to get watch batteries in the right way up?) Condom on the plug and piles of slippery lube, and I went to work.

Only the vibrations, when the toy actually worked at all, were so weak you could barely feel them through the vibrating insert itself, much less the stout silicone rubber plug that was supposed to cover it. Whisper silent it might be, but this wasn’t going to get anyone’s attention, not even a tickle.

Worse, something was fucked in the design itself- designed a three battery unit for watch style batteries that came included, the vibrator had had to sit just so for it to function and the tube that contained the batteries had too much space. Pretty quickly we discovered this was a broken toy with less rumble than a kitten trying to purr through a futon.

We got a little bit of pleasure out of trying to get the thing in (its a bit too big for him) but in the end this is either getting sanitized and sent back or going straight to the trash bin. One waste of time and money- a great concept and a terrible execution.

Femdom Nouvelle and Beyond BDSM

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Louis-Malteste-Miss

There are moments where kink gets frustrating because no label is ever a good enough fit to eliminate the “yes, but…” factor. I’m a femdom, but… I don’t dress or act like a porn cliché. Is that a “Real Femdom“? Well, making that claim is as bad as calling yourself a Real Woman, since you can hardly argue your version is the definitive one. I’m a femdom, but I don’t act like I hold my male partners in contempt, so Sensual Femdom often gets used here, but… I also don’t play soft. And so it goes.

So I could just call myself a “femdom” and let other people figure it out, but I feel like 99% of the aesthetic of my sexual fetishes remains the property of a mostly male audience. I might volunteer moderate /r/femdom, but I don’t masturbate to images of these women. As they are depicted I don’t even want to be these women, as much as I respect their right to exist, and yet they are treated as representative of me. So, Non-Professional Femdom? Nope, that axis has some data points I already covered, but other than talking about the expectations of objectification  it is likely to slide into good old sex worker shaming. Lifestyle Femdom? Lifestyle implies I live in a removed culture apart from all things vanilla, like some sort of separatist commune and I don’t have a 24/7 dynamic.

All kinky people deal with trope and stereotype expectations- plenty of male noobs ask if they can love their subs or worry about being psychopaths in their own eyes or the perception of others. On the other hand, the imagery of kink is more concerned with servicing their needs than defining their image- there are the Christian Greys of fictions improbable standards and masculinity’s own traps and snares but there just isn’t the same instant pull “yes, that’s what a mandom is!” the way that Princess Donna and Mistress Madeline and their fictional sisters completely abrogate my existence.

Long term readers know my clinging to “Dom” as a self description without the gender modifier and might have picked up on my persistence in talking about male dom with the same gender-ed bracketing, because of that feminism thing where I try to shove a snowball into a mitten before popping it into a fire in the hope that using “Domme” only on those personally identified as such will stop it being the default people use on me. Because apparently I’m the sort of person who engages in Amazon Linguistics.

Thing is, the reason why femdoms seem to be really scarce is because it doesn’t really include much room for female desire and this has been a persistent problem, not because women aren’t kinky but because how we construct out labels is entirely an effort to coral messy, often fluid sexuality into neat niches and these niches *suck*.

So Lets Talk About You, The Reader And How You Experience Kink & BDSM

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Reader Letter: New Femdom Tips

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letter2This reader popped in with a quick couple of questions all focused around the perennial need for new femdom tips. every one of us were knew once, so I’ve taken the time to give some advice I wish I’d had over a decade ago. so, first, their letter:

Dear Miss Pearl:

I just discovered your blog and i love it! I was doing research on femdom and I have been down the rabbit hole since a month ago. I need your advice: I have just (virtually) conected with a guy via a popular dating website. He’s very cute and he seems to be very much into me (my curves). Anyways, while talking to him it came up that he loves being dominated by women, and he especially likes facesitting, verbal and physical humiliation, body worship, and scissoring. He has never acted on his fantasies. This was all new to me, but through online research I got very turned on at the idea of participating into something like this. How do I go on about it? How do I ensure that I am confident enough to carry out domination roles? I have some ideas, and I love teasing (both physically and psychologically) but I guess I need some real advice for newbies.

Newbie dom guides are a still an underserved subject, particularly for women.

Although a lot of good authors have given the kinky manual their best shot with things like “The New Topping Book”, as my reader astutely observed, there is a distinct lack of advice for new femdoms. Some efforts are made- The Mistress Manual is definitely your dominatrix DIY go to if you just want to fit the porn and professional archetype really well, but as a new female dominant who is not hanging out your shingle to work/just trying to keep someone else happy, the trick is striking the balance between your own fulfillment and feeling desired by your partner. So moving beyond how a stereotypical femdom acts:

The good and bad news is that there’s no one right way to do it. However, there’s a few general things that every new dom can use for starters:

1) It’s About You – Part of cultivating a version of dominance that makes you happy is finding the aspects and behaviors that work for you and eliminating the ones that do nothing. Generally a lot of guys have their own submissive fantasies, but some of the inertia has to come from what you get out of it- a good lover will generally be happiest if you are getting what you want too. Remember you make you a dom- you don’t get that way by following a script, whether supplied by stereotypes or your sub.

With that, you should think about the outcomes that make you happy. Whether its witnessing whimpering male cuteness/helpless lust, or the chuffed feeling of leading, you need to define what it means to you to feel dominant and use your partner’s help to achieve that state.

2) Slow and Steady – When you get started, pace yourself with a little bit at a time Talk about ideas you find sexy in the bedroom as dirty talk, try light bondage and less complicated things like a gentle spanking. You can always add more if you like it, but if you try to leap into instant Fetish Queen mode you may discover that focusing on getting it right kills the mood. It is not that I think that BDSM is a big scary thing that will end in explosions and police if you make one wrong move, its if you make your goals small you will feel more confident and thus come across as more dominant.

3) Trust Your Intuition, But Talk About It – Dominance is balancing what you find fun with what you know to be his limits. Trust your intuition, but have safewords and measures in place so you are comfortable pulling the plug if things go in the wrong direction. A good part of the work behind having successful kink scenes (kinky encounters, sexual or otherwise, basically) is reading your submissive partner’s reaction- look for vulnerable but hopeful body language as you “yaye!” and stiffening, looking awkward and so on as your early red flag. Learning to dominate someone is about drawing the response you want out of someone. Therefore trust and nurture your instincts when it comes to pulling back or pushing harder, but also don’t be afraid to discuss it after the fact.

4) Understand that Fantasy and Reality Are Not Perfect Mirrors – One of the biggest let downs people get from kink is going into it with the expectation that everything will work out like their imagination says it will. The reality is that we often fetishize things a bit too extreme to be sensible, or the sensations in our head aren’t a perfect match for the real thing and so on. When playing with noobs, have patience and discourage them from over committing. With your new guy, chances are a happy dom woman is Aphrodite herself ascending from the heavens and you make get a stage of Promise All The Things and Try All The Things. Feel free to pull rank and refer back to Slow and Steady as per advice #2.

5) Build From What Works –You both like tease and denial? Fabulous! That gives you a great foundation to build from, experimenting with something you both know is good for you. If you want to try adding new things, try combining aspects of your favourite activities with the new thing- for example if you want to try obedience games, try having him be teased until he promises you something and surrenders a forfeit. Although there is a time and place for “Honey, tonight we are going to try latex!”, its good to have a mix of tried and trues and well as novelties.

6) Don’t Let Being a Dom Box You In. There is no non-dominant sexual acts or feelings. It can be particularly tempting to try to play the part of the perfectly in control uber dom who knows no human attachment and hasn’t cracked a smile in the last century. Be you. You are the dom, and if that person is giggly, prone to crying easily, or likes penetrative intercourse or wearing kitty ears or whatever, doing things the way you like is more dominant than trying to be someone you aren’t.

Don’t Fear The 50Shades Newbies

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50screamWith the long promised movie coming up, internet BDSM communities are continuing the ongoing tizzy about how terribly awful bad this phenomena is for kink, particularly how we are going to expect a barrage of innocents any day now, who will totter in all starry eyed and come into some sort of unspecified calamity based on something they read or saw.

I’m going to bracket this by saying 50shades is not my cup of tea, and indeed is Bad Writing. Then again I can’t say I’m a fan of a lot of things- cheerleading, miracle whip or pastel magical unicorns are also going to draw out a bah humbug (and indeed given the injury rate, cheerleading is probably a lot more dangerous than recreational spanking). And for that matter the books have never claimed to have aspirations to high art.But, that aside, this still doesn’t mean the supposed tide of 50shades newbies we’re supposed to get (who have yet to present themselves, btw) are somehow this big problem we needed to dread and plan for.

True, Christian Grey is fucked in the head, while Anastasia is at least next door to having some sort of combination social anxiety and eating disorder, as well as weird jealousy issues and poor decision making. But BDSM literature as a whole is a zone of emotionally unhealthy characters- not in the least of which because we are a bunch of by and large sane people fetishizing horrible things. (I mean come on, depending on which version you read, Story of O ends in her suicide!) There are millions of terrible harlequin romances extant and somehow heterosexuality as a whole has survived all sorts of silliness.

Let’s take a look at some of the common worries, shall we?

BDSM is a super special dangerous thing you need training to do. Newbies are going to get hurt if they enter into kink thinking this is easy and safe. The books never get more intense than a beating scene with a prison strap, which is further addressed as being something it is both okay and understandable for the dippy heroine to not want. Hell, the first book ends with a break up because she decides she is not comfortable- and the middle book is about coming to a compromise that balances their respective crazy. But, more to the point, this is kinky sex, not rocket science. You are not part of the special sexual elite- 99% of what we do, while highly enjoyable, doesn’t exactly take annual certification and an OSHA inspector. And no judgement, but triple razor wire flaming suspension bondage is not a common activity for most of us, even scene veterans.

The other implication here is also that the 50Shades fanbase is somehow dumber, more naive and less inclined to do their homework than the person making that claim. Now you might point to how stupid you think the books are, but then again BDSM is not known for our high quality pornography. As Wildcard observed to me on the subject, I don’t think most of us were initially sexually inspired by high art.

The books sell an overtly controlling person as a super magical dom, and will lead to newbies not knowing that they could find kinky abusers.. Over the course of the three books its repeatedly addressed that BDSM itself is not the weird thing, but rather that the male lead is literally crazy. The implication about worrying about risk of abuse is that 50shades newbies are ripe picking for our resident predators. You know what that says? If you are so utterly sure there are enough abusers in the scene that you have to actively protect everyone who comes in you are acknowledging one hell of a missing stair problem. That is to say if you really think the community you are part of has more risk than the rest of the humans who are not part of your special sexual subculture, the problem is that your subculture is fucked up.

Maybe instead of trying to focus on some sort of welcoming committee, as many people seem to think needs doing, that energy should be used to clean house?

People who get into kink through 50shades are annoying dabblers not REAL kinksters. I’m sorry, you’re a snob if you think this. I am as peeved as anyone else that the bottom tier of cheap toys has taken on a distinct colour palette and branding. But, no matter how you feel about tacky satin blindfolds and rhinestone handled paddles, you do not get to make the distinction of sincerity versus weekenders. And if you try you are going to sound like a huge hipster trying to keep your exclusive hobbies from the poseurs. This also goes to people who think there is some sort of unbroken legacy that’s been handed down but will now be neglected- sorry guys, BDSM is an activity practiced in the private bedrooms of couples all around the world. You don’t get a monopoly to define and control kink and you never had one.

The problem with 50shades is mostly that it’s in the midst of a moral panic the like of which is typically found among suburban parents worrying about jelly bracelets and rainbow parties, but most people who don’t think its worth the flap are generally not invested in protecting ridiculously popular things. It hits just in the sweet spot between containing enough sex to make conservative prudes squawk, but not enough self awareness to make anyone who would normally be all liberal and sex positive happy. And yet, maybe its time to admit the franchise didn’t create any problems that weren’t already there to start?

19 Replies To Every Online Femdom Discussion Ever

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thump1) Femdom? Okay, I want to get into this, can you dominate me over skype? Please?! MISTRESS SLAV ME NAOW

2) Well, its not the natural order of things- everyone knows women are inherently submissive, that’s how heterosexuality works. I guess some women don’t like sex though.

3) I believe in teh superior female and men are made to worship because they are inferior because thinking this about all women everywhere makes my pants tight. All women are goddesses.

4) There is no such thing as a real female dominant. Believe me, I’ve looked, all there are is women who are paid to do it or do it for attention and they are all fat and ugly or insane money grubbing whores who won’t do the highly specific thing that gets me off. I don’t understand it, why can’t I get a femdom to notice me?

5) All female dominants are at least switches. Its a fact, you know. Just like all the bi lesbians.

6) Feisty! I like that… ever considered subbing? I promise I won’t tell.

7) You can’t make me/a real man submit because he would just beat you. What if someone raped you, where would all your precious dominance be then? Male dom doesn’t actually involve consent, its based on the real thrill of domestic violence, which is how our ancestors lived.

8) For the love of GOD dominate me now. At least frown disapprovingly?

9) I’m usually a dominant but I thought I wanted to try switching. So when do you want to do it?

10) You mentioned you were into X kink. I am also into X kink. Despite the fact that you are in a relationship and I am in a completely different country, do you think we could do our fetish together?

11) Let me tell you, as a domme, all male subs are disrespectful horny morons! It totally hasn’t occurred to me that the guys who read my posts are not the same guys who are in my inbox, so fuck all of you guys.

12) I love being pampered by my clien… I mean slave boys and am always looking to add to my stable if you are worthy and generous. If you think you have the budget, I have poor quality pictures of my feet in my profile and message me at [email protected] No, I’m not a pro! True dominants deserve being pampered. My time is valuable so money!

13) Why are all you dominants so fucking old? How DARE you be over the age of 35? My penis demands a nubile dominant.

14) Do female dominants like men who wear dresses? Okay, red heads? Do they like left handed men? Err.. reassure me that you might find me attractive please.

15) Worthless worm here who just copy pasted my 1000 word profile!

16) Femdom is a solution to my social anxiety, right? If she just does all the work it’ll be perfect.

17) Do you believe, like me, that all men should be taught to submit? This would clearly end all gender imbalance problems over night.

18) I have an online femdom relationship where she collared me. But its been over a month since she messaged me, how do I show her I’m a true slave and ready to take it to the next level?

19) My husband doesn’t want to have penetrative intercourse anymore, as he says it’s not properly submissive to me. If I miss dick does that make me not a real femdom? I’m trying really hard to do this right.

Do Dominants Have All the Power in BDSM?

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hailthequeenOne of the most common questions in kink, particularly when you are trying to convey the concepts to newbies or people outside of kink, is who really has the power in a D/s relationship.

There’s differing opinions on that. The default people tend to go to is “The dom, duh, that’s their job!” but it’s matched by a now classic argument that the sub usually has all the power because they can withdraw consent at any time. One safeword or a serious no, and the dom is back to being Ms. Normalpants, right?

Some male subs argue femdoms have all the power by virtue of scarcity. On the other hand other, (clever) writers have pointed out a collective tendency to domism in kink society at large and in popular perception uninvolved vanillas, the idea that the more dominant you are the more weight and value your experience and opinions have. To a degree this is true- I have shiny dominant privilege that people tend to treat me like what makes me wriggle in me seat somehow comes with an extra helping of smart in my head. People generally believe that dominant sexuality is like an automatic mantle of leadership, or paradoxically expect that leader traits must match dominant leanings. This is something I can’t help bringing with me into all my relationships.

On the other hand, as I’ve complained about at length, femdom as a genre of porn is particularly weighted towards getting straight dudes off. There is very little stuff out there for femdoms, but a giant buffet of wank for male subs. It’s true that femdom is in such demand you can charge for it, but paradoxically professional dominants work hard for their money. If you are at all into identity politics, you can point out the big awkward sausage fingers of the patriarchy jammed up in my archetype expectations- indeed a lot of classic male sub requests are to hold up a twisted mirror of sexism- asking to be hurt by denying them or humiliating them with reminders of a code of conduct that penalizes femininity or failures to be conventionally masculine. And as Dee pointed out, there is a tendency to treat all dominants like our consent is set to “Yes”. Certainly stealth submission is offered more freely than anyone would suggest a dom should stealth take charge to get their jollies.

(At this point the non-gender equality obsessed persons eyeballs kinda crossed, while some MRA type is now posed with fingers over their keyboard to make sure I get told what I said wrong. Have at it- there’s a comment section for a reason. Oh yeah and if you just came here for the sexy femdom stories… sorry.)

We female dominants cope with it in different ways. Some, particularly the feminist professionals, point out they are doing what they want, and is probably pretty sexist to say there’s a right way to be female.  Others, like me, devote our scowly faces to being treated as a category niche fetish as opposed to being just a dominant, regardless of the contents of my pants. Meanwhile male subs often get all sad that a poor distinction is made between marketing copy of professional femdoms and the fact that male subs are just people like everyone else.

So nobody gets to go into their relationships without baggage, personal or otherwise. But what about power exchange?

The reality of asking who has the power is that you’re going to hit that age old frustrator of every duality ever, which is that it depends. While it’s true that subs can withdraw consent at any time, so can doms, who are just as capable of having limits. BDSM relationships don’t exist in a vacuum- as much as we like to imagine we all have sooper sekret chateaux where we host the most sophisticated sex parties, nobody stops being themselves just because they twig for something collectively presumed to fall under the kink umbrella.

Whatever power is the amount you bring into the relationship with you. It never really goes away- it just gets moved around. Doms, femdom or otherwise, are not all just filling the fantasy of the sub, but neither, to the protests of some, is submission diminished by considering the desires of the submissive. The power is just as much with the dom to indulge or not.

Femdom Life: Happy 2015

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Whee! January already, how did that happen?

I’m celebrating the new year with a new website look- a blue colour pallet that takes this site from the 2010 default template and into something at least a little bit contemporary. Last year was pretty big for the site- I increased general traffic by about 300%, from a trickle to a  steady flow. I also dabbled a bit in ebooks (Mistress Plays For Keeps) and it appears to be pretty popular for something I have put no effort into selling other than throwing it on Amazon. I made $7. Wooo! That wouldn’t be possible without you guys coming by here.

On the femdom life (and general life) front, Wildcard and I are co-habing it up in a lovely inexpensive apartment with a Victorian look, which is pleasing my Lady fantasies. For reasons unrelated to my relationship, it was a rocky summer, with an unexpected illness sapping my productivity. Although I’ve shown definite improvement. still, I’m very much looking forward to this year with renewed health.

On the other hand, I’ve made an increased commitment to what I do in the offline/in person BDSM scene- reserving the 18-35 munches until June (hey are you in Montreal, young and kinky? I can hook you up!) as well as taking the time to get outside my bubble and see a bit more of the older person scene.

This is connected to the organizer of the Montreal Fetish Weekend, who asked me to pop into some of his events and consult. That’s been incredibly interesting, and surprisingly challenging. Giving useful feedback that takes into account the limits of a small business means really getting a feel for how something like this gets off the ground and its clear the organizer works his butt off to see it happen.

7 BDSM Problems Only Kinky People Will Understand

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Because, dom, sub or switch, dignity is always optional:

housewife1) It was only after the order of silence that Malcolm realized he desperately needed to pee. Unfortunately his skill at charades was such that all his wiggling, whimpering and pointing made Mistress think he was looking to be edged. Again.

2) Clara tried very hard to be inclusive to other people’s comfort levels, not because she thought she deserved a cookie, but because it was only polite. To her horror as she was introducing a newbie to the people at the munch she realized that she had not only blanked on someone’s name, but which pronouns fit them best- despite having hung out joking with them at every single kinky event over the last six months.

3) It was only part way into the scene that he realized his missing dress belt had accidentally fallen into the toy bag, and was now being expertly wielded by his dom on their mutual sub. On the one hand he needed it for a job interview in an hour. On the other hand they were so much in the zone he didn’t want to intervene to retrieve it.

4) Waking up in bed, she stretched, yawned and there was a yowl and a thud as her feet nudged and pushed Kitty from their precarious but cozy position curled up at her feet and into the wadded up laundry pile at the foot of the bed. It took a lot of pocky before Kitty stopped sulking.

5) While discussing his panic attacks, the therapist asked him if he had every heard of CBT. He blushed.

6) Safeword during brutal spanking scene. Her top paused, alarmed. Had he pushed he too far this time? Nope, her eyebrow was itchy.

7) Having kinky parents was cool- they understood everything. Only she wanted to introduce her new boyfriend Kevin in some other way that fucking up the scheduling and both attending the same play party, with them arriving when she was in mid-scene. It would have been better if dad had *not* provided a friendly suggestion about her fisting technique.

What’s your worst case scenarios, awkward moments and other unique to BDSM problems?