Seven things I wish were included in sex-ed, for kinky and non-kinky people alike, including the truth about oral sex, an all too common reality of masculinity and a major reason why matching up your sexuality with other people is always a headache.
1) Oral Sex Is Not Everyone’s Magic Button: You will discover a surprisingly large number of people who can take or leave this particular activity, not due to a failing on the part of the performing partner, but because the sensations aren’t their cup of tea. And someone, sometimes, either performer or receiver, will feel inadequate.
2) Male Orgasm/Arousal/Philandering Is Not Reliable (AKA Men are complicated too): Despite a great deal of writing telling people men are sexually simple, bestial creatures without more than hump, pump and dump, cuddly romantic stuff wouldn’t function if the ratio of male snugglers was significantly smaller than the ratio of female snugglers, or into prolonged AND natural male anatomical variance and nerve distribution, plus the habit of certain cultures doing routine foreskin removal, while others don’t, mean that men tend to be just as emotionally complicated/romantic and sexually complicated as women. They may be mildly easier to get off, but don’t get your hopes up as something reliable.
a) This makes being female and promiscuous more perilous than you may hope- not only will he respect you in the morning, but now all he wants to do is get married.
b) Some guys feel pressured by cultural assumptions they want to fuck all the time with any (fe)male hole. They also need to worry about things like moving too quickly too.
3) Incidental Sorta Bisexuality or Orientation Flip In Porn and Practice: Sexuality is going to involve a lot of parts and pieces and emotional concepts, and what you actually go out and do and what’s in your brain while you get off, alone or with other people may be deviant from common depictions of what people of your sexual identity are supposed to like.
a) You may discover that you can be functionally heterosexual or homosexual in the sense of pairings, but include needing or enjoying aspects of your own gender in what gets your motor going. For example as a straight man you actively enjoy porn focusing on big cock, or be a lesbian who likes gay male slash fiction. Nobody knows why this is- while there is the possibility that say, a huge cock really represents sexual potency or the emotional dynamic in the porn is what matters, this is philosophical speculation.
b) There is an opposite effect in that some subset of the population is completely turned off by things that are part of their sexual behaviour in reality, for example guys who buy girl-on-girl porn exclusively because a strange dude kills their boner.
c) It is not uncommon for say, sub males to look at porn with fem subs without wanting to literally be women.
d) Most male transvestites are as straight as a ruler.
4) Most People Who Are Kinky Are Not Kinky: The number of people doing ‘kinky’ things as part of their sexual repertoire vastly exceeds the people who identify as kinky. Most of these people are not part of your local kink scene, many more don’t think their sexuality is exotic in any way.
5) Fundamental Labelling Errors: Perhaps thanks to the filing habits of certain sorts of niche porn to cover all their bases and include multiple fetishes in one shoot; or because initial porn in that niche grouped everything in one place, people into one fetish may end up tolerating a bunch of stuff that is not interesting to them, or even take on a self identification label counter to their actual intent, leading to confusion between people who have a different understanding of what labels and terms mean. This includes, but is not limited to, people who are more interested in fetishwear (ie latex or leather clothing) but say they like BDSM; a conflation with penetration of a male partner’s anal cavity with submission; people who are purely into sadism or masochism, but chase after D/s dynamics (or the other way around); and many more variations available to all. Many people are pissed off about this and it forms one part of the “True” debates.
6) There Is Crazy and There Is Misinformation: Some people’s grip on reality is slippery, and their sexual fantasies dribble out into their perception of the world, and some people who should know better are crap at biology. People will tell you in all earnestness that cheesy sci fi novels are the route to truth, their kinks define the world and/or that they really were trained in their kink by a Secret Society. You can’t fight the crazy head on, but the only real block to crazy is making sure lots of sane is available. On the other hand you may be the crazy.
a) In kink, crazy/misinformation includes the safety police. However without safety advice, bad things happen. Consider how long the advice that air in the vagina was a strong risk of being lethal was being given by earnest doctors who should know better, versus the help that people telling you to put a rubber on it has given to humanity at large and not being covered in sores or surplus babies.
b) The Canadian border still thinks all “female ejaculation” is pissing and won’t let squirting videos in. By this I mean to indicate that people who should know better may not do so out of convenience or no need to alter their perceptions.
7) Women Are As Bad As Men (But Also As Good As Men): Related to point # 2, whenever you think about gender differences, remember that 55% of paperback book sales are devoted to the “Romance” genre and modern romance novels, excepting sub niches, include sex. A large number of these are cheesy, objectifying and highly unrealistic, while some are very well done pieces of art, which is to say they have a lot in common with porn.
a) They are also not above rape, including male on female rape. And being a male rape victim has shitty, shitty baggage.
b) Women being as bad as men does not justify sexism in either direction.