Why A Special Protocol To Approach Dominant Women Is A Dumb Idea

Brief break from emotional gut spilling and porn, for something that was sitting in drafts- a rant on why it’s a bad idea to try to develop a universal approach for doms.

This one gets bandied about on forums a lot- how to reach out to dominant women in a way that’s not offensive to them. I already talked about some advice about how to meet and approach dominant women but that was more general and really, does not address something that comes up all too much. Periodically, someone will ask:

“What if we had special codified instructions?”


“Wouldn’t it be great if there was a special set of steps so submissives could learn how to be good subs and show they were the bestest?”

No. No. This is a completely unworkable idea. The suggestion is usually presented as a way for the more-submissive-than-thou types to differentiate themselves from the common herd, usually by someone who thinks their dominance exemplifies them in some manner and is the be all and end all of their personality. It’s also a viewpoint that makes no room for switches.

Thus, schemes are proposed suggesting the sub should come as a penitent or present themselves like they were petitioning the pope. This is primarily the lamentable tendency for people to think in terms of fantasy BDSM societies or like kink has to redefine your social patterns. Now, I’m as silly as the next person, so hardly in a position to throw stones at all the kajiras, and live and let live tends to be the functional truce for the kinky but…

I’m just going to come down, categorically, and say that unless this is protocol night at your local dungeon, starting up a power exchange dynamic before you’ve established a relationship has no good attached to it. Sure, artificial social hierarchies are fun, and kink as a subculture has some constants, but take even collaring.- collars are used to signify everything from attached monogamous relationships to simply submissive leanings, to fashion statements. You just can’t force everyone onto the same page.

And presumed supplication to dominance sets up a number of problems. First of all, it’s domism. It perpetuates the general power of dominant identified people well outside the boundaries of sensibility and awards all doms power over all submissives.

The power dynamic starts after you two agree on it. Sure, it feels good to say “how can you hope to be a submissive for someone if you ignore my ‘no dick shots!’ request in my profile!” but the reality is that people who don’t respect your reasonably boundaries would probably be bad doms or bad switches or bad lovers in general.

1 thought on “Why A Special Protocol To Approach Dominant Women Is A Dumb Idea”

  1. “Now, Iā€™m as silly as the next person, so hardly in a position to throw stones at all the kajiras”

    That was actually brilliant and I nearly died laughing, thank you. šŸ™‚

    I agree a lot about what you said, when Mistress and I tried to add someone else into our relationship, after the first few emails she had already determined that I wasn’t a “real submissive” because of how I spoke to her (like a human being, like I’d talk to anyone else I’d try to be friends with) and how Mistress’s and my relationship was.

    Because it didn’t conform to exactly how she envisioned femdom relationship, it wasn’t right. I wasn’t right. Nothing about our relationship was right.

    In hindsight, this is absolutely ridiculous. It should have been a red flag right there, that she expected me to conform to her standards before I’d even become her friend.

    Thank you for the well written post.


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