Quick N’ Dirty Kink Guide for Sub Men


For one reason or another, you think you might be a guy interested in kink and you started with the idea of being a “submissive”. You’re new and a lot of the terminology is unfamiliar- maybe you played about a bit with a partner or maybe the only place you’ve encountered it is pornography or your fantasies. Since you’re reading this, I gather you’re interested in the subject of male submission.

In any case this guide is written to be a no nonsense user friendly introduction to the subject. An earlier version exists on HubPages, but I’d rather host my work myself. so, read on…

Labelling Yourself

A submissive is a unisex term for someone who wants to sexually submit to one or more partners. It tends to be the catch all term that includes multiple variants of relationships that involve being in the down position of a power exchange relationship. How much power you want to give to someone over you is a matter of mutual negotiation between you and your partners. Some other terms people like to use include slave or pet. Typically slave implies heavy levels of power exchange, while a pet is treated just as the name suggests, often with animal play. Submissives may enjoy obeying, but you do not have to give obedience to anyone who calls themselves a dominant.

Inversely, a dominant is the unisex term for the person in the up position in a power exchange relationship. As with being submissive, the amount of power that will be exchanged is a matter of negotiation. For one reason or another female dominants are relatively scarce, and some women (and a few men) are able to make their living as pro-doms. Chances are you’re familiar with the idea of the leather corseted dominatrix beating men for money and most communities bigger than a rural hamlet have one or two women who make their stock and trade filling your fantasy. Professionals run a range of competence and skill, but there are some differences between the service you’ll get from a sex worker and the reality of a relationship with someone who isn’t making money but is doing it for emotional or sexual satisfaction, primarily that with a pro, she (or he) is thinking about their financial bottom line. The jargon for people who don’t do it for money is lifestyle, and many pros will advertise that they are lifestyle and professional to indicate this is also their sexual interest in their free time. However, the majority of kinky sex is happening between people who neither identify as professional or lifestyle, and they may not even think what their doing is particularly exotic or strange.

Switches cover the range between dominant and submissive. Some people prefer to submit to one person and dominate another, while some people are perfectly capable of exchanging the same role in one relationship, or are content with either role, but choose to take on just one at a time. A common myth about switches is that they just haven’t made up their mind yet- but the reality is that a lot of people enjoy both sides of the coin to some degree or another. A switch may also be simply into both aspects of “sensation play”.

Some people really don’t want to do the power exchange thing. The more precise term for someone who enjoys being the victim (either the tied up person, the whipping post, or whatever) is a bottom. People who have no interest in power exchange and want to be the ones whipping, tying or otherwise victimizing are referred to as tops. The general range of whipping, beating, being poked with a stick, tickling with a feather, experiencing bondage and so on can be referred to via the aforementioned term sensation play– you’re in it for the sensation of whatever you enjoy and you don’t like being told what to do.

Getting Out of the House

A munch is a term for a plain clothes meeting without any worrying about protocol. Kinky people meet up, usually in a public place like a restaurant (hence the term) and get to know other people without the intimidating possibility of fetishwear and a highly sexualized context. Wear clothing appropriate to the venue and just worry about being friendly. You don’t need titles and there’s usually no cost except for if you order food or drinks.

At a play party, people will actually engage in kinky activity. Usually there’s a door fee and a dress code. As a man, the safest and easiest clothes to wear are a black shirt and black pants, with dress shoes. If you like, you can also come in “fetishwear”, and often there’s a discount on your entrance fee if you dress up.  However, be advised that if you’re hoping to meet women, a boring shirt and pant ensemble is more likely to make striking up a conversation easier than a posing pouch and a corset.


Fetishes, make up one part of the kinky experience. A fetish (or a kink) is a particular sexual fixation like feet, leather, corsets, latex, scuba gear, hearing aids, balloons or the sound of one hand clapping, that holds a particular sexual and/or emotional meaning for you. These can range from something you need to get off to something, that if present, makes you very, very happy.It wouldn’t be a quick and dirty guide if I had to list of everything humans find sexy, but suffice to say it’s okay, and your interest is only as creepy as you decide to make it. Actually chances are your vanilla (that’s non-kinky!) friends have a few extras that turn them on- say a preference for red heads or a tendency to go weak at the knees when a woman talks passionately about open source code. Not all people share your fetishes, and keep in mind that certain sex acts, such as face sitting, strapons or chastity play do not require a full on d/s relationship.

In future articles I will discuss how to talk to dominant women so they feel like people and not low rent service providers, but this should give you enough of a handle on the idea of “kink” to make further searching on your own easier.

Go on, say what you think!

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