I like toys that work with two people. I like to buy Wildcard Tenga Eggs, and for our anniversary I got him a bouquet of crops and a Hand Solo. Valentines Day last, he came home to a bed scattered with hitty things and cut paper hearts. But this time it was his turn to go shopping and he tried to find us something we’ve both had fantasies about for a while: a remote control vibrator to tease him silly.
Vibrations work beautifully to reduce him to frustrated squirming, and our knock off hitachi comes to bed on a regular basis. However it’s surprisingly hard to find something that works for dudes and is portable- one supposes one can use one of the insertable eggs I’ve seen on the market, but I’m leery about losing things without a flared base in places where the plumbing doesn’t have a proper limit at the top. All manner of external vibes meant for women don’t tuck into the best spots and its surprisingly hard to tie something to a guy’s cock.
Enter the Remote Control Silicone Plug, ordered from Pink Cherry. It’s got a pleasant visual design and texture- black, a sturdy dense plug about the size of a standard chicken’s egg with a hollow core in which to insert a slim vibrator with a long looped tail, and a discreet remote with two buttons. Pipedream seemed to be a reliable enough brand and I’m a sucker for silicone toys, so when the box arrived I was more than a little excited, and I don’t just mean in my lady bits.
Pity its a non-functional piece of shit, isn’t it?
The first time we ordered it and found it to be defective during testing, we took advantage of the retailer’s no questions asked return/exchange policy and they shipped us a replacement. I was quite excited to get a second try, figuring that surely this time we were in for a treat. Then real life hit and it sat in its box, waiting for the right moment.
Luckily Wildcard was especially horny Tuesday of this week and in total anal slut mode, so it was time to finally break the new toy in. After some fiddling around with batteries (included) we got the toy up and running. (Did I mention there are few more mundane mood killers than trying to get watch batteries in the right way up?) Condom on the plug and piles of slippery lube, and I went to work.
Only the vibrations, when the toy actually worked at all, were so weak you could barely feel them through the vibrating insert itself, much less the stout silicone rubber plug that was supposed to cover it. Whisper silent it might be, but this wasn’t going to get anyone’s attention, not even a tickle.
Worse, something was fucked in the design itself- designed a three battery unit for watch style batteries that came included, the vibrator had had to sit just so for it to function and the tube that contained the batteries had too much space. Pretty quickly we discovered this was a broken toy with less rumble than a kitten trying to purr through a futon.
We got a little bit of pleasure out of trying to get the thing in (its a bit too big for him) but in the end this is either getting sanitized and sent back or going straight to the trash bin. One waste of time and money- a great concept and a terrible execution.