His reaction is to miss a beat, face going suspicious, “Oh really? Who?”
“The very gay $nerdhobbyguy, for one.” I know the implication, but I live with it and measure it accordingly. Boys offering you things is kind of par for the course as an extra level of social complexity to navigate. It sucks as an artist of any kind, because patronage is also how we wend our way, and nobody likes trying to suss out if you are trying to fuck me or support my writing. And I never apologize that men want me.
He’s not quite calm about it, not mad at me or displaying any sort of impolite or threatening anger, but outlined to me what it had always meant when he had offered to sponsor a girl, and then realizing that I might take offense either via implying I condoned really low wage sex work or was naive to the ways of the world, falls into repeatedly reassuring me that he trusts me.
Brick, you see, is a jealous man but not a controlling one. He’s liable to characterize it as “protective”, from the perspective that I need to be saved from all attention, pursuit and appreciation. On the other hand there’s a definite thread that we share a similar mean little desire to reject and trammel all over a guy. You’re never going to catch him as the forced bi bull shoving his cock down a would be rival’s throat, but there is a desire to emotionally and socially dominate other men (and in fantasy land probably beat the shit out of them) that pretty much occupies the same space a cuckolding fantasies do in the continuum of things men are socialized to have feelings about.
But, I like watching you fight them for me, even if I want you to win.
I am not one of those people who thinks that jealousy, or any feeling, in the abstract, is bad. I don’t think one’s feelings entitle you to automatically make the other party responsible for them, but I like the honesty and vulnerability in him getting possessive, the itchy fists and raised hackles. It’s hot. It makes me feel in control and turns me on. I enjoyed that Brick’s reaction was not compersion, that mainstay of the poly community, but murder.
I’m careful here, because this is a raw dynamic, which means that it’s his Real Feelings (TM) and could actually hurt him, so I’m not going to do anything to actually harm him or manipulate him. But I like that the script is there. I like the idea of using him as a tool of my sadism and dominance. I think he would get worn out and stressed if he thought that other men were constantly testing the boundaries of his relationship in a way that imperiled him, but I’m still going to enjoy it when it accidentally falls in my lap. And I have more thoughts on that…
Raw versus Negotiated
The difference between a raw dynamic and a negotiated dynamic is that negotiated ones are carefully hammered out, while raw dynamics are stumbled into. Asking your partner to cuckold you and carefully working out the exact details of the hows and whats is negotiated, where as discovering that your partner’s other partners twig your cuckolding kink and letting that run in the background is a raw dynamic. Hammering out the boundaries of your power exchange relationship is negotiated, choosing a partner who just naturally takes charge is a raw dynamic.
Negotiation is safer, as there is no world in which laying out your expectations up front is worse than just going at it and guessing. Consent is the difference between kink and abuse, and you can never really be sure if you have someone’s enthusiastic consent until you talk about it. It would, however, be remiss to mention how much of the background of sexual and emotional kinks depend on raw dynamics found in the wild, retrieved from media (particularly for us femdoms, unloved and making porn out of coconuts) or stumbling onto guys who do it for us, to skip the inbox full of guys trying to negotiate out things we most emphatically don’t want.
BDSM has fundamentally failed most femdoms, or women who might qualify to identify as femdoms. It doesn’t give most of us what we want, although the toolkit developed by the subculture itself is valuable. And even when we are all set to negotiate, people of all stripes still frequently depend on raw materials to build a negotiated outcome since the enthusiastic part of enthusiastic consent often demand a certain degree of emotional investment on their part. And nobody likes feeling like their sexuality is a huge sacrifice.
But, just because I generally reject the standard format of cuckolding fantasies as presented in porn does not make me reject the seeds of this fetish cluster entirely.
The core of the whole nebulous idea of cuckolding plays with possessiveness, sexual territorialism and the social implications of having a mate and their attachment to monogamy. I already spilled pixels about not really liking the idea of making an emotional investment in a guy who needed to fit into a completely non-masculine stereotype with the not really erotic short story “The Cuckolding“. Which is not to say I am unappreciative of the role masculinity plays in the raw underpinnings of these things. Just I think for the raw element my sexuality is a lot more lock antlers between two bucks, than some sort of Alpha/Beta thing like the secret desires of the Red Pill.
As far as how I stand on cuckolding fantasies in the other direction: blech.
I am possessive as fuck, but not especially competitive in my ownership of a man. Put my in opposition to another lady, and said guy will rapidly find himself with the lady, my cold voiced but sincere blessing, and me sourly reading a book somewhere else. There’s no humiliation, just in my fantasy unreasonable head space boys crawl on their belly through broken glass for me. If what you want is the excesses of a sexual buffet, you and Pearl are going to have a bad time. If you want Pearl to fight a girl for you, ick.
Although for ethical reasons I try to be accommodating and fair, I do not quid-pro-quo in how I have this particular kink. I don’t want to compete with another girl even if I win. It destroys my sense of dominance- the closest I can enjoy is being prettier, more alluring, etc, etc… But if it starts trashing her in the process I mostly just feel uncomfortable and protective of her.
I don’t pretend this is not odd. But sex is frequently odd, as is gender.
Brick, on the other hand, has tentatively brought up the idea that he really likes the idea of me doming the hell out some girl. He also likes being used as a means to apply that on her. To a lesser extent he’s also slightly ok with the idea of me non-sexually doming a guy. He loves it when I crush people socially through cleverness. Just the thought abruptly stops at the thought of sharing me in any sexual capacity with said victim if they are male.
For me I am a bit gunshy about other women in threesomes, after some experience with the subject. I do enjoy same sex stuff, although the kink basically poofs when the person is a lady. I don’t have any inherent sadistic impulses with a woman, just the urge to socially crush all who oppose me that is a lot more abstract than my sexual and emotional fixation on vulnerable men.
Ironically I like the idea of using other women as a tool to enforce my dominance on a man. Not as a sisterhood fem-supremacy or mean girl teeheehee sorority femdom, but to indicate his utter lack of control. Much more like “you, slave boy! serve her!”
This presents a certain paradox of desire in that the version one of his few voiced fantasies is the idea of me going full hellbitch on a woman and putting her in the position of a cuckold (or cuquean if we are being picky). Long term readers are aware I occupy a scope of sexual nastiness and cruelty that errs on dark. Ok it errs on aaaaaaaahohdeargodwhyyoumonster. For him this twigged his switch part.
Whoops. So he’s suggesting we basically live out a cuckolding fantasy to dominate a girl and treat her like she is slightly less than worthy of him. Only I don’t really dom women as easily. I can certainly let loose on them with my various sadistic cruelties, but…
So the negotiation part is ongoing.
It was kinda adorable when he brought up his porn- revealed only after I prodded. Initially he was almost impossible to get to talk about his own personal interests, and I was starting to wonder if I was going to need to tie him to a chair and bring out the nipple clamps and cattle prod. In the non-fun way.The confession that he even watched the stuff came out with the “because I’m a boy!” defense, like this was some sort of gendered flaw or sex specific trait.
Sometimes the conservative background shines through the veneer of a few decades of liberalism. I think it’s kinda cute. He’s pro abortion and healthcare and women’s rights and completely appalled by racism, but once again he wandered out of my idle fantasy day dreaming as a completely exotic to myself other. The Nice Southern Boy. But I digress…
And it’s kind of understandable, as porn is one of the avenues of jealousy fighting. Me, I don’t start getting jealous of porn unless I am competing with it- basically back to that crawl for me, darling level of devotion I demand. Else-wise, I think it is healthy. I used it to suss out a bunch of his kinks, and also confirm that, based on his performance with me, he appears to perceive sex as something pleasurable but that is done with pleasing the female half of the equation. I wanted that raw material.
I don’t think he’s ever thought about the whole concept of a negotiated dynamic at all, outside of getting her kinks and faithfully replicating them. It looks like in the almost two decades of sexual activity he’s had sex is mostly just something that he happily gives to willing girls who like it. I know his partners have largely been subs/bottoms of vanilla. He thinks of himself as a switch, although I read off him as one of the most submissive people I have ever played or been with including all the literally self identified subs. So he displays as sub to me and WOW. It’s nice.
Unfortunately trying to convey that to him comes across as an insult, because toxic masculinity and also the general idea in our culture that sub = passive doormat. Or a guy in a gimp suit. While leather trousers are definitely a thing that will happen, he’s not a masochist. I can definitely tell that he will bottom to all manner of impact play for me, but it would be an act of love (so I don’t want it- not a sexual turn on). But when I say sub I mean so utterly and completely oriented around turning me on and what I want.
When I say he’s sexually submissive I mean that almost all the sex feels all about me.
If I said my thing was walrus cosplay, I feel like he’d get tusks fitted. Amusingly, my thing is his desire, so I am making him work very hard to hand that over. Which probably comes a lot less naturally than trying to perfect his legless ice-floe belly flop locomotion.
Brick and I of course are in the getting to know each other part of sexual and emotional merging. We’ve largely only seen each other’s best selves, and met our sexualities when we’re both so amped up on limerance, our airport meeting was like being high. Like seriously, there was a palpable cloud of warm pheromones about a half foot out from our bodies. This is going to cool off over time, but for now, having been gifted with this raw attraction, we have to work out if we actually like each other if we weren’t having our gametes ram us into each other like a toddler matchmaking her barbies. (Jokes on you, reproductive instinct, he hasn’t even ejaculated in my vagina yet, much less overcome my birth control!)
So I am curious to see in six months how we shake out about the subject of jealousy for sexy fun. Again, it’ll be interesting.