The Big Mistake Even Good Submissive Men Make When Looking For A Femdom

Male subs, stop asking for the relationship you don’t actually want with a dominant woman.

This pertains to you, the guy who is thoughtfully and carefully filling out a profile to put his best foot forward on the internet, or sending out your messages nervously and respectfully as you can, to try to convince what you see as a rare, nice femdom woman that she should be into you, or at least not knee jerk delete your greeting. This is talking to the guy who tells people, as reassuringly as he can, that he is “very submissive” and will do anything to make them happy while trying hard not to rule anything out by being specific. Or the guy who helpfully fills out that he’ll do house chores, chauffeur her around, anything really, as long as she will just deign to accept him or even talk to him. Or the person who petitions women like he should be apologizing for wasting the carbon than makes up his body mass.

Not all of you sub guys should actually be doing this. It’s actually hurting your chances at making a human connection.

Yes, it’s not a good idea to lead with a barrage of demands, and nobody likes a laundry list of fetishes in their inbox or a partner who has how you’ll act all mapped out. But, if you’re at all a long time reader of this blog, you probably aren’t dealing with the level of selfishness or stupid, which leads you to message women with “wanna meet at my hotel while I’m in town for business and spank me and fuck my ass?!”. 

I’m talking about the fact that a lot of sub guys prepare themselves to please an internalized idea of what a femdom is. In most people’s minds, that’s a very client-and-pro styled relationship, where the assumption is that the woman is not willing and eager in her own right. It’s, at the very least, a hyper exaggeration of the idea that nice girls really don’t wanna and need to be bribed and cajoled into it. I’ve rattled that cage often enough this should be old hat right now, that a lot of us dominan women love it for its own sake. However, what isn’t being said, but needs to be said is this-

A lot of you guys aren’t actually into either being unpaid domestic workers or Mr. Everybody’s Servile Cur and you are still selling yourself that way because you think that’s the Right Thing to Do. For every silly boob who writes me calling me “Mistress Goddess Lady Divine” because he wants it to be true, there’s a not so silly bloke who thinks I simply delete anyone who doesn’t address me like I was some sort of fantasy nobility and thinks it’s a protocol thing he has to go through because otherwise he’s not a Good Submissive (TM). And it’s past time we stopped demanding every guy with a submissive fantasy act like a simpering sycophant or an emotional masochist before the relationship even gets off the ground. Afterwards? That’s up to you- but before? This trend is not helping.

Real life example time:

The other day I had the good fortune to have my friend JT ask me to give him a once over of his dating profile. Now JT is a thoughtful, intelligent young man- and hard working, and caring, and boundary respecting, and he has a distinct personality that makes him witty and charming. For the most part he is an extremely articulate communicator- but like every other guy hoping to make a connection, he’d done his best to squash that when he sets out to sell himself. In if first draft a full paragraph was devoted to his willingness to help out around the house and do tech support- and he ain’t a service sub. No question of him being a “do me”, he might do it if you needed/wanted it… but like many, many subs it doesn’t inherently please him to be the service giver for domestic and handiwork.

But, as a result, of the stereotypes I got very little picture of what he had to offer someone as a person, just a checklist of where he did and did not fit into, with fixing a hypothetical woman’s computer put down as a primary selling point. Now why did JT think his main value to women was in IT? Someone had told him to focus on what he had to offer doms, and in the name of being  good, he was doing his best to respect that, according to the script.

It’s a sexual relationship, not a fucking chance to get the drains seen to. If I wanted a house cleaner I’d look on bloody Angie’s List and give CollarMe a miss. And guys, you might worry you’ll be putting off women if you don’t do this, but the women who are trying to base a relationship, first and foremost, on you serving as unpaid help before caring about your personality as more than ‘shows up on time’, are not going to offer most people the sort of relationship these subs want- even service subs generally either want a greater emotional connection, a sense of being valued or at least to express service in particular ways. But, thanks to the idea that universal service and universal, highly codified submission is the price of admission even great guys like JT get distracted by this.

Now if you are into acts of service, don’t stop reading, I’m going to address you too: it’s still not enough to just throw out a bunch of tasks you can and can’t do. If you want *any* sort of emotional connection, you need to think why you want to do service. Is it because of the drudgery and the humiliation of the menial? Do you want a low status role in a household and see service as a path to that? Is it because you feel nurturing submissive urges? Do you find say, ironing all her napkins inherently satisfy because you like things just so?

Plenty of doms enjoy being on the receiving end of service, in some variants, mysel included- but it matters just as much *why* to help you both decide if you can connect. Does it make her feel valuable and important to delegate? Does she feel nurtured? Are you filling her domestic fussiness fantasy with your exacting napkin folding? A “fuck off after you mop the floors” dom is going to be a poor match for “and now I lovingly rub the feet of my mistress for head pets”. At the very least, remember that she needs to be able to know whether it’s safe to invite you into her home to clean it, and she needs to get to know you to make that call.

You’re also just setting yourself up for defeat if you were looking for a quid-pro-quo exchange of her needs via the service/self bashing talk for your needs on the fetish front. Unless she’s a bit thick, she’ll notice if you advertise for one thing and expect another. All offering service does is tell her you’re into service- so she’ll feel you lied and are out to get your kink stroked but treat her like a low rent pro. Or over emphasizing service when you don’t want it or its own sake will get you passed on by women who are lukewarm about that particular kink.

Now this probably has just confused you more, since if you’re trying to be the Best Little Submissive Ever, you have internalized the idea that doms don’t care what gets you off and we hate having our dynamics dictated to us. You’re right, please stop sending us your amateur unsolicited erotica and assuming that what we want more than anything else is to look at your poorly photographed asshole. however, that aside, when you reach out, you still you need to sell you and an emotional connection with you. It doesn’t even have to be love. Even if it’s a hookup, a FWB or a non-sexual itch being scratched, that connection matters more than all the “I washed your car, Goddess!” platitudes in the world.

Submission is a mental thing, and her enjoyment of that erotic or not, will be mental for her too. Of course, you shouldn’t dictate it to her as if it’s how the world works, but your needs are going to need to be a part of this- focus on positive communication not pretending to be someone you aren’t- for example ” I like to feel submissive to superior women” is going to come across a lot differently than “I’d like to make you feel like a superior woman, I find it very rewarding”. See what I’m getting at?

The goal is to make some femdom, some day, thank her stars she found you and feel like the luckiest woman ever. Even if she treats you like a degraded punching bag to your mutual happiness. Otherwise neither of you will get what you want, and even if you both like you doing service or even giving her ‘tribute’, you’ll have a hard time connecting.

Guys, it’s not about making yourself fit the ideal submissive man, it’s about being a good match for another fairly unique human. Sell yourself, even if that is someone who isn’t handy about the house and who doesn’t call every woman “Lady Mistress Saint Mother Ma’am” who looks his way. Don’t ask for what you think a submissive relationship is supposed to look like and hope to get some crumbs, aim for what you want and let her bring you what she specifically wants.

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Comments

  1. Grumpyoldswitch  December 4, 2013

    I’m too old to be putting myself about, and anyway I’m lucky enough to have a wonderful loving domme friend, but if I was, I wouldn’t say anything specific that was BDSM related, for the obvious reason that if there isn’t an initial spark of human interest, there’s no point.

    I’d prefer to say something about my education, interests, political leanings, and background. I’d offer to send a photo if she wanted it at some later stage. I would not send body shots, or worse still cock shots. Doing so just screams ‘arsehole’ and ‘wanker’ very, very loud.

    Actually, you can tell quite a bit about a person from their written style if you know how to read the runes.

    I’d hope to spark at the very least a little curiosity and then take it from there. Overeagerness and desperation are a big turn-off whether in men or women.

    reply
  2. Revner  December 4, 2013

    Thank you for this (and helping me workshop my ad). The first couple ads I wrote didn’t include any of the specific skill-based stuff and I was outright told by some that I was being greedy for asking what I wanted (D/s) without ‘offering’ anything in return – which was frustrating. I certainly would never put or expect those things in a vanilla dating profile, so I didn’t understand why I would need them here either. But that’s what I was being told.

    I think what I’ve come to realize is this discourse most often comes from people looking for aromantic D/s or a simple kinky exchange (Cook me dinner, rub my feet, I’ll hit you with stuff, then you go home). And I’ve gotten a fairly steady stream of messages over the last 10 months from women looking for exactly that – so it’s entirely possible that they wanted me to write an ad that they would respond well to whether than one that was being true to myself and my needs. Knowing how they can ‘use’ me is important to them and while it’s perfectly valid thing to want – that isn’t what *I’m* looking for.

    -JT

    reply
  3. Jess Mahler  December 4, 2013

    Spot on. One thing that drives me crazy looking at personal ads from male subs is after a while they all blur together. No real way to get a sense of the person. Makes it real hard to feel anykind of spark!

    reply
  4. Stabbity  December 8, 2013

    All offering service does is tell her you’re into service- so she’ll feel you lied and are out to get your kink stroked but treat her like a low rent pro.

    Oh, that’s totally why it feels so weird to be offered a joyless exchange of service for beatings. It does make me feel like a low rent pro, and that’s really not what I’m looking for.

    The trying to be some vaguely defined super sub is just boring. I want to connect with an actual person with interests of his own, I can’t very well do that with someone who won’t tell me anything about who he is.

    Or the person who petitions women like he should be apologizing for wasting the carbon than makes up his body mass.

    As much sympathy as I have for those guys, sometimes I just want to shake them. In what bizarre parallel universe is self-loathing in any way attractive?

    reply
  5. Isla Sinclair  December 18, 2013

    I’ve said for years that, for me, my primary kink is people WANTING things. That desire, need, attraction, ache of some kind, is what does it for me. And, perhaps, with the dominant side of my personality, the power rush of being the one to say yes or no to certain desires, to choose when and how some things get satisfied, and to combine my desires and their desires into one hot fire of hotness. But if I don’t know what you want, how can we even begin? If I don’t know who you are, how can I be interested? Acting like I have to give you what you want because you say so is a turn-off for me in a male sub, but on the other hand…hell, there’s been times when I’ve found something hot mostly on the strength of someone else’s passion for it. Show me some desire, here, boys.

    reply

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