O Non-Fiction

Rants, scene write ups, reviews, basically everything that isn’t erotica.

Competition Winners – Free Femdom Stories Give Away!

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I’d like to thank the people who entered- G Loss, JT and Mikey have been selected as winners for this month. I’ll be writing their stories over October- and sharing it with everyone.

Didn’t make it in time to enter? You can still enjoy my existing archive of BDSM and femdom stories.

Meanwhile I’d also like to give an enthusiastic wave to various people who promoted the competition- finally here’s where I ask you guys for something. I’m one of the many awesome bloggers in the running for the Kinkly.com Top Sex blog competition. All it takes is pushing a button to throw a vote in for me!

Come on guys, VOTE! I never win anything! T_T

Okay, now that you’ve done that- here’s what I’ve been up to  last month- I made Kinky and Popular on fetlife, with an angry rant about trying to keep the age limits respected at the 18-35 event I organize. That’s another first. Kinky and popular, of course, not ranting. You guys are used to me being stompy already.

I’ve also been on the road a lot- and in the air. Who knows, if you’re in New York or California maybe you’ve passed me on the street. The good news is that 8 hour flights are a great place to think about novel writing and Catamite’s still being worked on.

30 Days Of Kink: The Whys, The Whats and the Maybes

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Day 13: Explain as best you can what the appeal of kink/BDSM is to you?  Why are you drawn to what you’re drawn to?

It’s my sexuality, and I find myself repeating this a lot. That being said, kink-as-a-set-of-expectations provides a codified structure to try to qualify and quantify and abstract emotional concept and a bunch of loosely connected fetishes. Human sexuality is squishy and determinded by the individual- this is a way of trying to characterize it so I can talk about what gets me off with other people.

As for the whys- if I knew I’d be an award winning, possibly noble prize worthy discoveries for achievements in psychology and human motivation studies. There’s lots of theories, some of them absurd (my favourite stupid idea being that spanking is just some sort of pre-species throw back for red behinds). I still go with the idea that human sexuality depends heavily on whatever symbols and social patterns that gelled with us whether you are ostensibly vanilla or kinked, and there really isn’t a ‘normal’ that people are born with that is perverted, just infinite shades of perversion.

Day 14: How would you say real life BDSM/kink varies from fantasy BDSM/kink?  If you haven’t experienced real life BDSM/kink how do you think it might differ?

Fantasy kink tends not to take real life into consideration, while amping up the petty and awesome as high as they go. Thus in fantasy, all the doms are super competent, all the subs complacent into the role, or if unwilling, unwilling in a way that is not simply truculent. Everyone is gorgeous and wealthy- typically old money or steeped in whatever the writer considers markers of high class. Everyone does whatever the person likes best as a normal thing, say if there thing is cuckolding and latex, hotwives and body condoms are what femdom is.

This sets up unrealistic expectations of good looks and easy dynamics that I’ve never seen happen in practice, with kink parties not being stocked with model hot millionaires. Meanwhile kink activities and needs, are, as I mentioned, much more about what a bunch of individuals are trying to do in a barely functional consensus.

Beyond that, probably the biggest fantasy/reality conflict is the expectation that just being whatever you are will cause what you want to happen. The inherent vulnerability of having to ask someone to submit to you is routinely glossed over- stories giving you things like infinite amounts of money or a pre-existing position of power over the sub, or just the fictional magic dom aura sucking in subs through their desire.

Day 15: Post a BDSM/kink activity you’re curious about and would like to try.

I’d like to try a more prolonged D/s dynamic, and I’d like to explore service a bit more, the latter as a matter of personal development and exploration.

Although Strong and I did owner/property in a way that was technically 24/7, distance and practicality put limits on things. Meanwhile most of my other experience is scene only. I’ve also never found a service oriented person I clicked with- it all felt like too much and too overwhelming to my personal boundaries.

I’m not sure how realistic a prolonged power thingy is. Wildcard and I have been glommed onto each other for a bit shy of a year, and formally hooked up only since January. One of the things I learned with Strong is that it’s hard to try to run a lot of things concurrently in the same dynamic- we flamed bright, but burned out fast and it didn’t survive having to accommodate being human.

Meanwhile as far as prolonged power experiments, I can’t say it’s gone as well as I’d like- the Ex constantly attempted to delegate personal responsibility for various things onto me, for example trying to give me control over his diet so he’d stop binging unhealthily or motivating him to exercise. This would last for about a day before he’d decide he didn’t actually care or want it. I’m going to chalk Strong and I’d thing up to one of those deeply meaningful short term things that wasn’t built to last.

But, as I mentioned, in fantasy, dominance is supposed to basically work like mind control and bring about exactly the results I want to achieve, and somehow make them fit well for the sub. In real life, humans are crap at habits and rules. What I can do is always deeply effected by what my partner can consent and conceivably do, and that’s a big part of the secret vulnerability of dominance. You say ‘Do X’ and it doesn’t happen.

With Wildcard, what we do together is also strongly influenced by his self exploration. Up until recently much of this was confined to the realm of improbable fantasy for him. Like many people he’d assumed that dominant women were so scarce that meeting one was a lottery win on its own.. This has meant a very odd scenario where I am both in a position of power in so far as my position of guidance, but also restraint, since realistically it’s hard to consent to big things when you are learning your limits. So what we’ve done in the direction of more prolonged dynamics is developing rituals and habits- Tuesday “Punishment” is certainly doing a wonderful job. That sense of constancy is definitely something that works for me.

He’s been a pretty good sport for someone who spends a lot of time exploring the upper edges of their comfort zone- and I’d have to describe myself at impressed with his courage about a lot of this stuff. Especially the really hard, ego destroying stuff where you have to admit you’re not up to doing what you actually kinda want. Add a sincere desire to make me happy and I really couldn’t ask for a better person to try to muck about with.

But on the side of my limits, I don’t know when or how I’ll experiment with the service thing and that’s definitely me baggage. For example one of the biggest barriers to enjoying service is the sensation of helplessness at having other people do stuff for me. I also don’t like the controlled, free lunch approach a lot of service subs take- I think this is more me being gunshy than them necessarily being wrong- but, it occurs to me that at this juncture in my life I’m feeling a little more comfortable with ordering someone to do for me.

Femdom Life Update: Health, Body Image and All That Stuff

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So to complicate matters, I’ve been suffering from some health problems lately. This can be very frustrating: as well as interfering with work, it’s hard to get your dom on when you are taking extensive naps.

It’s not fun, and most of my mental energy’s being spent on getting better. My body has taken to this via shedding weight at a rate now leading to people announcing how tiny I am. This has meant a surprising amount of reconciling myself to new, reduced flesh.

Self image-wise, I’ve always been blessed that I wasn’t bothered by my weight- and never got particular pressure to be a particular size. The bone structure I inherited is very rangy, maybe gangly if I wasn’t of average height. Puberty gave me an ass, and even finding myself going all disordered eating seems not to shift that, even as I start to see the notched bones between my breasts, and my dress size has plummeted, something that’s supposed to make one happy, but mostly pisses me off because now my underpants don’t fit.

At the start of the summer, Wildcard and I went co-hab, me moving in over top of him to the official designation of “Sexy Roommates”, a fairly straight forward process that took about two car loads and merged our kitchenware, as well as necessitating the purchase of a place to cram my clothing into. It also means going from living out of a drawer and a bit of a mess, to sort of soaking into an already existing structure.

Summer isn’t my favourite set of months, and even less so to Wildcard, who belongs in tweed and wool on a moor somewhere- despite many references on his part to his Arabic heritage as part of his identity, he has climate temperament of a Brit, and a Northern one at that. Summer is one long migraine broken up by rare rain, not helped by weather in Montreal that decided that this year storm clouds were going to perpetually sit over the city with about the same utility as Tantalus’s grapes.

So add one less than happy partner plus me dealing with not being in top form and I’d describe the whole thing as one long stress test. This is not to say we’ve stopped doing kink- on the contrariwise we’ve started a weekly session on Tuesdays that we’ve both been finding very satisfying, but I wouldn’t exactly say it’s been an easy time for either of us. Certainly we’re both anticipating the fall with a certain degree of enthusiasm.

Meanwhile I’ve stepped up the aggressiveness to which I am making sure people are aware of my side trade in freelance writing. The derpy banner add is an experiment of sorts, to see where that goes.

30 days of kink: Hard limits, ethics and funny stuff.

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30 days of kink continues with a bunch of unrelated questions- from super serious limits to funny anecdotes.

Day 10: What are your hard limits?

I don’t want to permanently harm anyone. I also don’t want to involve poo, children or animals. I also don’t want to be outed or out anyone, which limits the possible blackmail scenarios I’m comfortable with. I also prefer to play with a safeword and breaking the law is not my idea of fun.

When I’m on the receiving end of stuff I’m extremely, ridiculously picky- like one of the reasons I know that the ‘submissive’ label doesn’t fit is that the experience is very much about what I want. I don’t like punishment dynamics used on me, or involving other people beyond a very passive audience- like I don’t mind people getting off on it, but being vulnerable to people and their judgement makes me uncomfortable in a not sexy way.

For example, I like the sensations of impact play and have a reasonably high pain thresh hold, but while playing with Wildcard where there was an audience (camming) he was joking with them about me being a bad girl, etc and I basically went into full on GTFO dom mode. In the end, I think he found my reaction, which was pretty icy and calmly pissed off, more distressing than I found the experience.

Due to past bad mojo, I can’t masturbate and have someone fondle me from my right side. I’m also slightly jumpy about being touched from behind, even though that’s a major source of sexual stimulation for me. I’m usually okay about that, but a few days ago I was washing my hair in the bathtub and got caught but surprise to a grope and got all weirdly freaked out.

Day 11: What are your views on the ethics of kink?

I find this one comes up a lot for people who feel guilty or believe that subs/bottoms don’t really want what they want. I think there is a lot of ethical stuff to unpack and examine within kink, such as Dommism, but I don’t see the ethics of kinky sex as being too deviant from what people consider vanilla. Heheh, deviant.

For me, one of the challenges is that I function under a preference for enthusiastic consent (as it should be) but fetishize non-con. In theory one would just ask your partners to talk about and describe their desires, but I’ve discovered a lot of people don’t have the vocabulary to do that- or they don’t make that sort of separation of role. In hindsight some of the challenges with Strong is that he wanted to be forced without being able to tell me he wanted it. Obviously this meant where he would start talking about limits I would back off- because I don’t like having to second guess my partners.

Day 12: Tell us about a humorous BDSM/kink experience you’ve had.  If you haven’t had one, talk about aspects of kink/BDSM you find funny.

Well, there was the time after an orgy I was helping people pack up, and being on sextoy washing duty I stuck a large purple suction cup dildo to the wall at eye level and they nearly forgot it there for the hotel staff.

Or the time that I was using a fly swatter on someone’s ass and got them in the nuts by accident, or the time my endorphin addled friend thanked someone “for the soft caning”, resulting in a much harder session than the top had initially planned.

Femdom Life: Spanking Him On Camera

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showcase_MPThe last couple of weeks have been rough as far as health problems that have seen Wildcard and I both hitting clinics within short days of each other. While neither one of us is dying, we both aren’t helped by the summer humidity either.

Friday evening, after yet another stress filled day, I went for my thrice weekly run, leaving Wildcard all by his lonesome. Stress seriously cuts down on sex time, as does being under the weather, and with him starting to feel a bit better he was hinting a certain interest.

After putting in my usual time and distance in sneakers, I came back to find him with laptop on his lap, gently stroking his half hard cock while chatting with a room full of strangers. He perked up and suggested that I could join in, tie him up and tease him, to which I gave him one of my patented looks. I am not a big fan of dominance on demand. with me you don’t call the shots and set the script. You can suggest sexy ideas, but it isn’t going to fly if you try to put my urges and control on rails.

He didn’t end up tied up to the bed, but he did end up edging himself and then bent over my knee for a mean, hard spanking while everyone he’d been entertaining earlier continued to watch. Hand was soon switched up for a belt, probably my favourite of his to use, a big thick piece of supple brown leather.

I had him on all fours, facing the camera and reaching underneath himself to keep his cock hard- and his facial reactions showed me that he was experiencing some intense sensations from the leather striping his cheeks, while the colour changed to a bright pink, blossoming from the blush of his warm up to a good ruddy rose of a proper bare skin spanking.

The reactions are the best part for me, watching the intensity in his face as I made him count off loud so everyone of the people in the chat room could hear. It’s not the first time I ended up spanking him on camera for anyone to watch, but Wildcard is a horny little exhibitionist who get both extremely turned on and extremely humiliated with an audience. As well as the usual horny guys drooling over me, we got a couple of ladies getting into seeing him paddled, gratifying since I like it better when he doesn’t get treated like he doesn’t exist. And I knew that kind of attention is Wildcard’s big weakness, so you can bet he was feeling extra vulnerable and submissive to whatever sadistic cruelty I intended. Spanking him on camera for women to watch is a huge fetish for him!

He was the one who noticed the little wet patch under me, a mark on the sheet where I’d been resting, but it was me who told him that he had to fuck me without coming- as long as he could manage, stretching it out as his thick cock filled me up. We started with me astride, riding him, but pretty soon he tipped me back and made himself take his time while I teased him by gripping his cock with the muscles of my cunt.

He took a long time just like I ordered, waiting a minute after I gave him permission before finally cumming with a loud muffled groan into my neck. We ended up spooned up after that, with various audience members indicating their appreciation.

The problem with a live crowd, of course, is that you don’t control them, so it’s no wonder that sometimes the questions get a bit weird. I’ve been compared to people’s stepdaughters. and we often get bombarded with requests for butt stuff. This time we got asked: So, is he the biggest guy you’ve ever fucked?

The girthiest. Even super turned on as I was, he’s a tight fit.

Reader Letter: Embracing Femdom As A Beginner

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So this question popped up in my fetlife feed, and with the original author’s permission I reprinted.

So, I have a lot if issues. I’m new to all this and really need a mentor in general. [To keep things short] I’m going to try my best to narrow things down and hopefully find some help that way. For one, I’m kind of shy. I like to get to know people before I’m comfortable enough to act “dommy” around them. And then I also like to take other people’s feelings and abilities into consideration. I guess you could call me a soft domme? But then all of that just causes issues for me, like people expect me to be a super dominatrix bitch right away, or they expect me to make all the rules and boss them around. What do I do with all this? How do I get over this shyness so people will actually take me seriously and not call me a fake all the bloody time? Then, if someone actually gets past that, I’m not sure what to do with them. They usually suggest that I give them tasks or whatever, but it’s always sexual, and I’m not interested in sex all that much. What I really like is the aspect of control. Anyway, in short, I don’t want my D/s relationships to revolve around sex. So what I can do? And what are some tasks that I can give them to do that aren’t as sexual? 19FDomme

Hi, 19FDomme!

Figuring out how to get what you want is a challenge at any age. Being a dom, especially a female one, means dealing with a whole bunch of expectations and stereotypes that may stand in your way. As you’ve probably already noticed, there’s a lot of expectations put on us to be “in role” from day 1 and develop some sort of persona rather than simply relaxing and being yourself. Part of finding satisfaction as a Dom is getting past what others want for you and discovering what you want. When it comes to diagnosing your problem, I want you to think about this sentence. You wrote: What I really like is the aspect of control. 

This is very reasonable and a huge part of dominance as a personal identity- it’s no wonder people trying to use you as a fetish dispensing machine are boring and frustrating you! A key part of dominance is the near addictive draw to that sensation of power. It might be benevolent and nurturing, or it might be sadistic, but it can also be one of the most challenging parts of getting your needs met.

The first thing to remember is that submissives are not interchangeable, so things not working out with one sub does not mean you are a bad dom or not a dom. Building a D/s dynamic is about finding someone you work well with, and no one relationship is a perfect copy of anyone else. This can feel frustrating, because you are probably bombarded with attention and loads of guys are promising they really want to submit, but most of them are just asking you to fill their fetish needs. Even if they are ready, eager and willing to try to make you happy, at this point, no knowing you, all they can offer is suggestions based on what they want and what porn tells them you want. This can make the whole thing seem not for you.

Unfortunately, beyond the problem of getting to know people well enough to actually serve them, rather than the abstract idea of a dom, inexperienced subs will also forget that doms are people too and may act pouty if they don’t get the fantasy they were expecting. Because of this, you may feel like you have to put on an aggressive, unapproachable persona with everyone you meet in order for possible play partners to take you seriously. Actually, you can consider not doing that your idiot filter- the ones who expect you to be Mistress WhippyBitch straight off the bat really don’t care who is dominating them- and have demonstrated they don’t want to take the time to get to know you.

Dominance is intimate, and it’s vulnerable. It involves being capable of being selfish, and admitting that you want things badly enough to have someone do it for you. Meanwhile, wanting to care about your sub’s needs and feelings doesn’t make you a weak dom, it makes you not a raving pyschopath. Pornography (and the marketing copy of professionals) gives the impression that dominants are unyielding bullies with zero empathy and a constant presence. It can be natural to be very shy about your dominance if you feel like you have to overcome that public perception! Any sub that calls you ‘fake’ for being who you are instead of their fantasy is not worth your time. That’s because being a dom is not about what their kinks mean to them, it’s about what your desires mean to you.

For most people, BDSM is sexual. I don’t know, in your case, whether for you it’s a psychological power trip, or you’re just not particularly promiscuous with your favours. Be that as it may, it’s okay to want to do things your way because it’s your sexuality/personality and that’s going to be constant even when you are single. While professionals excel at packaging femdom into a one size fits all approach, finding something that works for you is about finding your own kinks. You said get the most satisfaction from a sense of being in control- so if you want to build on that you need to develop what sort of control you want. Power can be about giving people things, or about denying them.

Here’s some very basic advice in that line:

1) Take the time to educate yourself about what is and isn’t okay regarding limits and safety advice. That way you will feel secure knowing how to keep your sub protected while being able to call out nonesense when you encounter it.

2) Confidence is born from being able to feel in control of yourself. I already talked about recognizing time wasters and learning to banish them. You should also decide what your standards are and commit yourself to being willing to cut people off who disappoint you – with reasonable expectations, subs being idiots to you will no longer feel like you failed and you’ll save your energy for the ones who are worth it. You can also know that you are going to be extremely desireable to your potential partner – good subs are worth their weight in gold to a dominant, but you don’t have to put up with “eh, close enough!”.

3) All that fetish stuff- the tying people up, etc… is about creating a feeling. You should only do it if it helps create the feeling you want to experience in you as well as in your partner. If it isn’t your kink and it doesn’t make you happy, you are not less dominant for saying no.

4) Do the leg work in your courtships because it lets you control for interactions more so than if you just sit in a chair waiting for subs to petition you. This may sound all awkward and weird, but start with a few positive comments and the mere fact that you made the effort will get them standing up to attention. On the other hand, don’t let people mistake passivity for submission- it’s okay for subs to get fulfillment out of your planning and aggression, but they should never make you feel like some sort of under paid manager and entertainer.

5) There is no such thing as a free lunch, so make sure that subs trying to ‘serve’ you are clearly understanding and expressing what they get out of it. A common route for wasting time is the service-for-fetish bargain a lot of people are offering. Service can be many things, but it’s supposed to be a tangible gesture of a sensation of subjugation or worship, not a work exchange.

6) Don’t express yourself sexually or socially the way you think dominants are supposed to want it- own what you want. If your personality is mousey and soft, don’t let other people force you to speak louder to be more dominant- make them stop and listen to your whisper.

7) Lastly, watch out for the hype- once one’s confidence is built up, it’s easy to buy into the idea the idea that dominance puts you above inputs from subs. Outside of a pre-agreed upon dynamic they are your equals and even then, don’t let yourself miss out on all the valuable guidance and feedback your partners have to offer.

9 Reasons to Block and Delete a Sub Sending You a Message

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letter2Female dominants get messages, partnered or unpartnered, searching or trying to hide. In honour of the recent batch of crazy letters and threats, I’ve created a quick guide for new femdoms for signs you should save yourself the trouble and delete the message now. If any of these nine behaviors have come up in the guy’s efforts to talk to me, I’ve never found any good was going to come out of the interaction.

1) Tries to rapidly escalate or control the conversation medium. If you’re on a dating site, they try to push for an in person meeting immediately. If you’re online, they try to get you to give them more contact information right away or keep pushing to switch to another medium, eg going from email to chat, or guessing at your geographic location (such as “did I see you on X street?”)

Why this is bad: Taking the time to feel comfortable is important when you’re getting to know new people, among many things because it lets you figure out who they are on your own terms. Someone who pushes you this way doesn’t care about this and may even want you to disregard something about them you would pick up on if you took your time.

2) Instantly appears enamored of you and/or tries to force a D/s dynamic right away. They greet you with loud and hyperbolic praises, more so than simply a polite, respectful compliment or two – or they start trying to sub to you right off the bat. Alternatively, within a handful of messages you are, according to them, the best person they have ever met.

Why this is bad: An actual attachment to someone takes knowing them – anything else is fantasy they’ve created in their heads. The problem with being put on a pedestal this way is that if you do anything to topple off your perch, you are put at risk for them not being able to handle reality.

3) Only seems to know about femdom from porn. They have a particular, rigid understanding of roles and relationships and seem startled when anything deviates from their script. For example, they don’t seem to know negotiated limits are a thing or think dominants and subs are a special class of people under different rules than everyone else.

Why this is bad: If we were a few decades ago, the lack of material available would make this attitude slightly more forgivable. These days, the sheer wealth of knowledge presented to the newly self identified as kinked means that anyone with an internet connection can find scads of teaching resources. Therefore it shows a disproportionate willingness to let what they want to be true be the case, and more to the point, they’ve absolved responsibility for themselves.

4) Instant or whirlwind courtship commitment. From the word go they are already sure you are the one. They will relocate, marry you, whatever. Their heart is, according to them, true, and belongs only to you. This is probably combined with #2 – in their eyes you are the best and most beautiful and they want your collar NOW.

Why this is bad: Once again, this person is chasing a feeling more than trying to have a meaningful, nuanced relationship. This also tends to be a pattern in people with personality disorders- super epic passion followed by a crash when they stop being able to sustain things.

5) Claims they “read all your profile” or writing, but can’t answer simple questions about it, or takes and approach counter to what you’ve written about yourself and your preferences. You say you want a poly relationship and they talk about monogamy. You say you are a down to earth tomboy and they talk about how feminine you are. You say you hate being called titles and they open with ‘Mistress’.

Why this is bad: Being forced into being a fantasy prop is a perennial problem for femdoms, and also this sort of nonsense is proof of the person’s willingness to lie to you from the start, instead of saying “I liked what I read so far”.

6) You have a really bad feeling about this. Something feels off, but you can’t put your finger on it and you feel bad about not giving them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe they are just awkward or have a socialization disorder?

Why this is bad: Trust your gut. Women, in particular, are taught to disregard symptoms of dislike and make nice and forgive. Protect yourself. Even if you feel like a meanie – adults with social problems aren’t automatically allowed to put you at risk by trying to be open minded and most actually awkward people are balls of blushing apologies, not the type of people who make you feel itchy under your skin.

7) They have nothing nice to say about other people. All the other femdoms were findoms or fakes. They were crazy or ugly. You’re different of course! Not like their bitch ex- or their wife who’s a prude, their abusive parents or shitty boss.

Why this is bad: Everyone knows some bad people in their life, but if all the people they know are horrible by their description it’s statistically more probable they are the problem. and cross them and you will be just another fake who hurt them, according to what they tell the next woman.

8) They start telling you what to do, or expressing really strong preferences about other people or you. Maybe it’s phrased as introducing themselves, but they want to make sure you know that they like a particular thing, for example they start worrying about you getting fat or thin, they make appearance based suggestions or offer unsolicited critiques.

Why this is bad: This person is a controlling jerk who thinks they are just being honest. they won’t care about you except such that they can cram you into the shape they wish you were.

9) They want to talk about what gets them or you off in detail right away. You get asked to describe scenarios, share your fantasies, or they just won’t STFU about co-eds in ballet flats or busty trans leatherwomen.

Why this is bad: Wanker! This person is going to try to use you to titillate them. If their fantasy talk is all you want, good, but don’t expect things to get better or to focus on anything other than immediate gratification.

With this sort of winnowing in mind, consider it a chance to save your valuable time for only the worthwhile people. And remember, you don’t owe anyone a chance more than you deserve to feel safe.

What did I miss? What are your favourite signs that things just not going to go well?

8 Things You Could Be Doing To Help Find A Femdom

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Did you try checking behind the curtain?One of the first questions people ask after realizing that they have submissive fantasies is how they can find a femdom. The standard advice, which nobody can escape, is that you’ve got to meet a lot of people until something clicks.

On the other hand, if you’ve been looking for a while and nothing’s working, here’s 8 basic tips for increasing the chance of meeting your match as well as what to do now to help make it work better when you do find her. Because there’s no sense in self sabotage or ineffective effort.

Can’t find a femdom? Are you doing these eight things?

  1. Participate in your local and/or online BDSM community. Thanks to the magic of the internet, even if you live in a tiny country with a small, conservative population, chances are there are at least an online community in your area devoted to kink. The reason why you should do this is because at the very least you won’t feel completely by yourself, and when you do find the femdom of your dreams, you will sound more sane and knowledgeable. BDSM is a very simple thing that a lot of people make overly complicated, and hearing from other kinksters will also give you more of a sense of what’s out there- as well as what to avoid.
  2. Talk to all the people, not just the dominants. If you use kinky communities to just try to talk to only what seems to be femdoms, you are not only missing out on some interesting people, but you are missing out on the hidden pool of kinksters, tops, switches and so on. Even just making friends, it also helps because even if you don’t meet someone directly, other people may introduce you to them based on “X seems cool!”. Meanwhile, if you only try to date openly kinked, you exclude all the women with the potential to rock your submissive socks who don’t currently have the vocabulary to describe what you both like. All these people you are ignoring by only pursuing obvious dominant  women *might* actually be into what you are looking for, and treating it like a numbers game and trying to enjoy the socializing for its own sake will make you calmer than if you hold out for Miss Perfect Domina Pants and ignore Suzy Switch, Katy Kinkster and Vanessa Not As Vanilla As She Seems.
  3. Define what you are looking for in a D/s relationship beyond generic labels. Do not rely on simply looking for someone who identifies as a dominant or expect everyone to know what you mean as far as kinks, when you call yourself a submissive. One of the biggest problems people deal with when looking for a femdom is that they tend to think of the role as being universal- with every relationship looking like the ones they imagine in their head. When you do find a femdom, you should not make the mistake of assuming just because someone is dominant they want to do everything you want. Similarly, it’s a lot easier to get some casual experience with various things like impact play if you don’t just tell people “I wanna be a sub” but you focus on things like “I want to know if I enjoy spanking for real as much as I imagine I do.”
  4. Make your online profiles about you. When you’re writing profiles or otherwise have a chance to present yourself as a potential sub, think in terms of the text on the back of a book. A good blurb tells you what the book is about. It does not tell you about the sort of customer the publisher wishes would buy the book. It doesn’t tell you the scenario they envisage you reading the book in. Similarly if you simply describe the sort of dom you want to meet or just focus on sexy suggestions that gives potential doms nothing to work with. Meanwhile your main profile photo is the cover on a book- stolen porn is like a generic stock art cover that gives the reader little information.
  5. Don’t wait to meet a femdom to start exploring. A lot of newly self identified subs think the first step is finding a dom to show them the literal ropes. Even if your very important celebrity-political-childcare-job keeps you from active BDSM scene participation, you should take the time to learn more about kink safety. It’ll also help you to know what to ask for and what to expect- and don’t forget that not all dominants are super experienced- many doms benefit from a partner who lets them practice and are nervous about being asked to be super experts.
  6. Take the time to work on yourself as a person. Plenty of guides to new subs tell you to meet minimal grooming standards and so forth, but you probably don’t need to be told to shower or wear pants. However, beyond the basics, when you finally do find a femdom, you’ll be able to build a relationship with a more solid foundation if you take the time to look after yourself first. Whether tamping down those pesky anxieties that plague all of us, or loving yourself enough to invest in achieving your other goals, you’ll be a much happier person, which will make you more inherently attractive to others. Come on, you deserve it. Even if all you want to be is property, you’re valuable property.
  7. Focus on people who are compatible with your entire life, not just your kinks. A lot of people forget that the bedroom is only one part of an entire relationship- even if you have sex every day that’s only about one hour out of 24 and you still need to have something to talk about beyond BDSM and how hot she is. You can afford and deserve to be picky, and generally you’ll be a lot happier with someone you connect with than someone who is your perfect kink match on paper.
  8. Work on smaller goals, not bigger goals. A huge mistake a lot of sub guys make is going from fantasy to trying to end up own, collared and buried in intense commitment. While you shouldn’t message random women looking for a flogging on demand, going in the opposite direction and seeking immediate extreme commitment is like being the stereotypical crazy person who tells you the names of the kids you will have on your first date. Look for having short term fun with people who deserve your respect- you are auditioning partners as much as they are auditioning you.

Another Real Life BDSM Play Party (Making It Work)

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genericnakedmanSo, it was another BDSM play party night. Woo sex parties with beautiful people! Let’s take off our clothes and mingle!

Actually, I’m an anti-social fuss pot who tends to default to hiding and sulking, but this one I was committed to trying to have a good time. After all, I’m pretty privileged to live in a large city with a vibrant and active community.

And really, as far as sometimes finding the public BDSM play scene a challenge, I blame that I’m an unimpressive top with intermittent social skills. I don’t mean to put myself down, I just mean as a dominant I can’t really fall back on flamboyant scenes, which removes some of the appeal of playing in public, and I have a hard time breaking into interactions with other people sometimes- and I get uncomfortable as the object of focused sexual pursuit, while having unreasonable expectations of worship. As such I decided that it was on me to figure out how to make things work, and flush with enthusiasm I threw myself into this party, complete with volunteering and trying to dress up extra cute.

Wildcard has a rather better experience- for him this is his kind of decadent fun he always dreamed about. He’s also new to the scene- like most libertines I’ve reached the point of jaded where the novelty has not only worn off, but been replaced by a patina of sameness,  fate that seems to befall a lot of kinky folk who’ve been kicking around the place too long.

But, in preparation for trying to have a good time, I did my best to make sure good things would happen including trying to prep for best possible top time. You’d think an open and active dirty word pornographer like me would be up on this kind of thing like fleas on  cat, but for me, getting into the saddle with someone is always pretty hinky- I need to feel like I want to be there of my own volition and I need to have a connection build up and not just mechanically walk through the dominant scene checklist, and I need to be seduced into feeling dominant.

Of course I’d told Wildcard that I really couldn’t do the ‘dom-on-demand’ thing where we were happy non-sexual/non-power exchange-y in day to day interactions and then poof, suddenly I had to drop into the role with full on confidence in a very public environment. So he was doing a good job of before time foreplay, which is to say going out of his way to pique my interest in swatting him, while I did my best to anticipate and plot. And as you will read on, things may have worked very well…

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Reader Letter: Psychological BDSM & 24/7 Submission

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A reader recently wrote in to ask about 24/7 submission, psychologically intense BDSM and how they can go about finding a partner who is into that idea.

Do you have any advice for someone who’s looking to become a slave to a woman permanently? I’ve been reading stories for a while but I don’t have any experience actually finding someone who might be into these kinds of things, and even tho I’m seeming upfront right now I’m actually quite shy. 

You seem like you know a lot about the psychological aspects of femdom in addition to the fleshly pleasures, so I was hoping you might be able to give me some advice on how to find someone who’s interested in owning a slave completely, not casually like on some personals sites, but complete power exchange and total mind and body fuckery with no going back. 

I gather that you yourself have experience in such things, and so my heart is hoping that you’ll be able to help me. I understand if not tho, and either way, keep on writing the awesome stories.

🙂 (Look 24/7 Submission)

Hello Looking For 24/7 Submission:

Gee thanks! I’m always glad to hear from a fan!

247I’ve already written a lot of articles suggesting advice on how to find a female dominant in addition to my stories- but it sounds like what you’re looking for is advice on how to find a particular kind of relationship. I’ll see what I can do to help…

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