O Non-Fiction

Rants, scene write ups, reviews, basically everything that isn’t erotica.

30 days of kink: days 6, 7, 8 & 9 Media sharing time!

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30 days of kink continues with a look at some of the things that inspire us- fantasies, toys, pictures and songs.

Day 6: Describe your weirdest/most interesting sexual fantasy.

I wish I had something and interesting and illustrative as Dumb Domme’s conveyor belt. Possibly for me the fantasies of being a man raping another man, rare though they were, would be the oddest from my perception of weird as I’m a happily cis woman who normally doesn’t really like male-on-male.

For me, one of the reasons I couldn’t pinpoint a most interesting fantasy is because there’s a lot of fantasies to choose from. As an excessively imaginative person and a purveyor of BDSM and femdom stories, I end up playing with as many themes and concepts as possible, often looking for ways to make a kink trope work for me. Which means that I also end up considering what I write about- from a personal basis- making something have an erotic zing is pretty key to hammering out readable erotica.

And, as a reaction junkie, it’s not necessarily always important to me what I’m doing. Since dating Wildcard, I’ve discovered that there’s a marked uptick in clothes-being-forcibly-removed fantasies. These were definitely present when I was younger, but I’ve imprinted really hard off his very vulnerable, real reactions when you take away his pants.

Day 7: What’s your favourite toy?

I’m partial to riding crops and silicone insertables. I also like male masturbation toys. You guys read my review of the Tenga egg- I like that sort of play as a couples activity, while impact play and sadism wise, I like crops and canes best to use, and I like the security of medical grade silicone. One too many toys with funny smells and tastes put me off of jelly, while I find metal and glass are not idiot proof and require a gentle hand because they have little natural give- not the best for a strapon, for example, which is the opposite of a tool of finesse. Seriously- it’s attached to your pelvis, it has no nerve endings and you can’t see what you’re doing. You might as well be operating a dildo on the back of your head.

Day 8: Post a kinky image you find erotic.

sleeping-tiedup

Kinky imagery is a really subjective idea, because often what distinguishes the very kinky is that not everyone would necessarily find it erotic.

I’ve talked about the impact of Disney’s “Sleeping Beauty” before, as well as the inevitable illustrated children’s picture books about medieval castles that always seem to mention, at least in a footnote about dungeons or knights being held until their family pays the ransom (there’s a story out there I need to write based on that particular chivalric tradition).

Outside of that, I’m very partial to to some of the artwork of Avenier. Unfortunately, to avoid having their artwork borrowed and plastered about the web without attribution, they’ve made it so I can’t link to particular images.

That being said, if we’re referencing things that caught my eye, when I was in high school this ad got me to linger more than once on the magazine it was printed in.

Adforjeans

These days we’re a lot more spoiled for imagery, but at the time, it was the sort of early 2000s naughtiness that suggested exactly the sort of deviance I wanted in my life.

Day 9: Post a kink related song or music video you enjoy.

This one is pretty difficult because it’s hard to find femdom imagery that doesn’t shade into being more about a vaguely gothy looking lady in knee boots and a corset who is supposed be intimidating in a more passive way- basically the need to signal “dominatrix” to make female aggression explicable. For example “She Wants Revenge” likes to play with this sort of imagery.

Where as completely forgettable band Phixx answers the question of what potential having a whole packaged boy band as your prisoner. I think, although the song is nothing exciting, it’s a good argument for what would happen if the people who specialize in pandering to female sexuality decided to make femdom porn.

14 Over Used Topics On BDSM Forums

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Redundancy-A-564x376While BDSM forums often provide a great way to talk to other kinky people and get a reality check or a sympathetic ear to your kinky interests and queries, you know you have encountered these conversations before. Whether it’s fetlife, /r/BDSMcommunity, the bright young things on 4chan’s d board, an international non-english community, or some other hidden pocket of kinky folk, everyone’s participated in them at least once and many of these are not inherently terrible until you’ve discussed them for the fifth or sixth time.

  1. Why are all the sub men entitled perverts/the dom women money grubbing scammers? Also:There are no dominant women in my large metropolitan area who are not professionals. Where do the REAL femdom enthusiasts hang out and why do they seem to find that attitude repulsive?
  2. Please validate that my status as a submissive means that I should be mad at my dom for failing to bend over backwards and give me what I wanted because my inherently fragile submissive self will asplode if I don’t get a bedtime story/symbolic reassurance on demand/fetish activity whenever I want.
  3. My LDR & internet only partner just ghosted. I am incredibly torn up that I no longer have an emotionally intense skype relationship with someone so many timezones away they may actually be sleeping.
  4. Feminism is making it hard to live as a submissive woman. A movement largely built on respecting the free choice of one gender to live as the choose is clearly preventing me from expressing myself because it stops other women from being subjugated and ruins my natural order fantasies because I think that somehow people turning a blind eye to abusive relationships is the same thing as consensual kink. Also I met a judgy feminist once who said mean things about housewives.
  5. DAE think submissive men should automatically somehow compensate dominant women from interacting with them regardless of whether or not said woman is a sex worker or the kinks being explored are findom/service, because that’s just what all femdoms want?
  6. Are you actually… allowed to be in love in a D/s relationship? Like, am I less of a dominant for not holding my sub away from me with detached firmness? I’m a bad sub for wishing the dom I’ve fallen in love with would love me back?
  7. I am a submissive with knee problems. Does my inability to kneel mean that I am less of a sub, according to a rigidly defined framework with its origins in pornography?
  8. Long, multi-thread discussion about gross misconduct and consent violations that fail to mention anyone, even by pseudonym and rely on whisper judgement, still falling into the trap of allowing serious illegality to be dismissed as “scene drama” while clinging to the value of the court of public opinion.
  9. I just broke up with my first kinky partner and I can’t conceive of ever getting the sex I like again because this was so serendipitous. Do other kinky people exist or am I doomed to never know love like this again?
  10. How do I deal with the fact that I am in a serious relationship with a vanilla person who doesn’t have any interest in anything to do with my sexuality, without breaking up with them or receiving any sort of compromise on their part? They may not know I’m kinked.
  11. [Detail scant personal ad that’s been inappropriately posted against forum rules (and probably posted in an international group to boot) to demonstrate naivety and complete lack of reading comprehension, because spamming is attractive]
  12. Only the way I express my kinks is right. Let’s have a lengthy, tone deaf argument on why a particular choice of actions makes you a nutcase, insensitive to people who are not involved in your personal life in any way or a poseur who lacks a true kinky flair.
  13. On second thought, let’s have a tone deaf, completely non-kinky discussion on some unpleasant issue like fat shaming, gender, why any modern progressive movement is icky and excessive, or someone’s pet conservative cause, enhanced by the fact that some poor person with serious mental health impairments is weighted equally and debated with the same vigour as someone with a less loose grip on reality.
  14. My new explorations of kink are MAGICAL. I think I just came unicorns out my ears.

That’s my pet peeves, what are yours?

30 days of kink: Days 3, 4 & 5 Okay, how did you get started in the kink stuff?

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Once again I’m doing 30 days of kink in a multi-day jam together.

Day 3: How did you discover you were kinky?

The question here is not as much how I discovered kink as much as that learned I was part of a sexual minority of any kind, or what the words for my kinks was.

Initially, this was just my sexuality (or proto sexuality) and because of the relative weirdness of my family background I didn’t think vanilla was the default or that it was abnormal to want to playfully tie someone up or like stories where people lost their clothing or were held captive. BDSM was just part of sex-ed, which is to say the basic vocabulary and safety advice. None of my early exploration with other partners indicated that people were by default, vanilla, just that everyone has stuff they will and will not do and that isn’t always what you’d like.

Co,ing to terms with the fact that ‘femdom’ was the word that best described me was a more lengthy process.

Day 4: Any early experiences that, in retrospect, hint at your kinks?

Pre-school me had an imaginary friend who was always getting beaten up and having his clothing stolen. I was as much enamoured with Disney’s Sleeping Beauty for the scenes with the chained up/captive prince and I was happy to read books on the middle ages with their inevitable explanation of the dungeon/ransoming system or play games involving Trolls who wanted to capture people. I was obsessed with a comic series called Elf Quest probably because of a wicked witch style character called Winnowill.

I’ve talked about this before, but suffice to say, it was pretty easy to pick out that I was excessively fixated on certain dynamics.

Day 5: What was your first kinky sexual experience?  If you haven’t had one yet, talk about what you hope to have happen.

Tie up and capture games with other children escalated, as puberty rolled through, into light kink with highschool boyfriends and enthusiastic cyber roleplay with stranger on the internet, probably also pretending to be 18 at the same time as me. This is not to say that I was running round owning slaves from day one, but that kink was just always there.

30 days of kink: Day 1 & 2 – Who are you anyway and what do you like?

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Because the 30 days of kink meme was created for tumblr I’m going to do my 30 days with several days to a post.

Day 1: Dom, sub, switch?  What parts of BDSM interest you?  Give us an interesting in-depth definition of what that means to you. Basically define your kinky self for us.

I am a dominant sadomasochist. I am interested in power exchange relationships, and a general miscellaneous range of impact play, con-non-con, bondage, and so on. I consider myself a broken switch, in that I am into a full range of physical and rough play, but the psychological aspects of submission provide no fulfillment or attraction to me.

I think BDSM is a catch all term for a collection of commonly clustered kinks that focus on power imbalances, vulnerability and sensations that would often be considered unpleasant or painful and worth avoiding. How a particular person expresses these is going to vary wildly. As a dom (for me I don’t like ‘domme’), I am more interested in obedience and control than receiving acts of service in the stereotypical domestic fashion.

For example, I will get off on the idea of forcing a guy to edge himself repeatedly and beg me to come, but I will be less enthusiastic about him cleaning my floor.

Day 2: List your kinks.

Gosh, that might be long because I find I can get into many things if they are presented properly, and my 30 days of kink would just have to be devoted to listing anything I tangentially enjoy. Some of the stuff I like includes: Bondage, acts of sadism and masochism, puppeting someone’s body (eg. mind control), male foot gear, slenderness and gauntness (as in unhealthily underweight too), people being sick, states of extreme vulnerability, cold, captivity, hurt-comfort, uniforms, well dressed men, playing sexy spy/diplomat games, insertions, body compression and/or corseting, appearance modifications, dollification, giving a guy head… I think there’s a separate writing project based on doing a porn story for each of my kinks.

It gets more complicated when I try to consider things in terms of sexy ideas (tropes I find fun), things I masturbate to and sensation play that doesn’t come up in fantasy. For example I get sexually aroused from being on the receiving end or dishing out acts of sadism, but my private point of orgasm tends to focus on the intense vulnerability of non-con sex. Thus I don’t typically *think* of beating my partners during private masturbation time, but I’ll get wet doing it or watching a well done flogging scene in a movie and so on. And I’ve never enjoyed spanking porn (in large part because of the framing), but I like the act itself. Meanwhile some things are sexy ideas if I read them in stories and play out with other people- for example I like starting from a position of intense vulnerability and manipulating things to my own ends in games.

Which I think is a pretty important point about sexuality and uh… there lacks a word for it, but one’s emotional orientation and sense of what is romantic. With Wildcard, pre-bedroom foreplay is often either fighty (not in the yelling over housework kind but in the teasing playfighting tension) or in pursuit of his vulnerability, erotic interest and submission. In actual sex, there’s either the range of whap-whack-bind, or there’s particular ways I like to touch and be touched.

Meanwhile, when I’m writing porn… uh erotica, for me its fairly important to try to capture that visceral aspect similar to what I get before orgasm, as a sort of oomph, and the build up. I also tend to get side tracked into enjoying the emotional attitudes that underpin things, and for me, the sexy because it’s not sexy real mental tangents and contrasts people get.

30 Days of Kink: Me Too!

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There’s a blog meme running around right now, which is essentially a big list of writing prompts called “30 days of kink”. It seems to originate over at Queerkink, but Rayne of Insatiable Desire has the complete list right here.

So, why the heck not? I’ll give it a shot!

Day 1: Dom, sub, switch?  What parts of BDSM interest you?  Give us an interesting in-depth definition of what that means to you. Basically define your kinky self for us.

Day 2: List your kinks.

Day 3: How did you discover you were kinky?

Day 4: Any early experiences that, in retrospect, hint at your kinks?

Day 5: What was your first kinky sexual experience?  If you haven’t had one yet, talk about what you hope to have happen.

Day 6: Describe your weirdest/most interesting sexual fantasy.

Day 7: What’s your favorite toy?

Day 8: Post a kinky image you find erotic.

Day 9: Post a kink related song or music video you enjoy.

Day 10: What are your hard limits?

Day 11: What are your views on the ethics of kink?

Day 12: Tell us about a humorous BDSM/kink experience you’ve had.  If you haven’t had one, talk about aspects of kink/BDSM you find funny.

Day 13: Explain as best you can what the appeal of kink/BDSM is to you?  Why are you drawn to what you’re drawn to?

Day 14: How would you say real life BDSM/kink varies from fantasy BDSM/kink?  If you haven’t experienced real life BDSM/kink how do you think it might differ?

Day 15: Post a BDSM/kink activity you’re curious about and would like to try.

Day 16: What are the most difficult aspects of having a sexuality that involves kink or BDSM for you personally?

Day 17: What misconception about kinky people would you most like to clear up?

Day 18: Any kinky/BDSM pet peeves?  If so, what are they?

Day 19: Any unexpected ways kink has improved your life?  If so, what are they?

Day 20:  Talk about something within kink/bdsm that you’re curious about/don’t understand.

Day 21: Favorite BDSM related book (fiction or non-fiction)

Day 22: What do you think is important in keeping a BDSM relationship healthy?  How does it differ from a vanilla relationship?

Day 23: Since you first developed an interest in kink, have your interests/perspectives changed?  How so?

Day 24: What qualities do you look for in a partner?

Day 25: How open are you about your kinks?

Day 26: What’s your opinion on online BDSM play?

Day 27: Do your non-kink interests ever find their way into your kinky activities? If so, how?

Day 28: How do you dress for kink/BDSM play?  What significance does your attire have to you?

Day 29: Do you have a BDSM title (e.g. mistress, master, slut, pig, whore, princess, goddess, ma’am, sir)?  What is your opinion of the use of titles in general?

Day 30: Whatever BDSM/kink related thing you want to write about.

A General Introduction To Rape Fantasies

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womanpinmancropped

He felt utterly helpless. Her hands went where they wanted, along his side, across his thigh, to his hip. She let one linger on his throat, index finger and thumb pinching, scary as she slid just the tips of two fingers past his lips, penetrating him and showing him he didn’t even have the choice to bite.

When her hand stroked over his groin, he murmured a vulnerable protest. “No…”

So yeah, about rape fantasies, both having them and playing them out…

It’s “Adult Sex Education Month” and blogger Gracie, of Sex Kitten.net, suggested that I tackle the often controversial topic of rape fantasies and the people that have them. Fair’s fair, while I’m not a professional sex educator, this thing is my shtick. My story, Catamite, for example, is fairly intense non-con and my personal life certainly swings in that direction.

If you aren’t living under a rock, you’ve probably heard the term “rape fantasy“. In brief, that’s arousal from imagining a sexual scenario that is coerced or conducted without consent of the victim. That could mean anything from fantasies of violent and entirely otherwise unpleasant sex, through to the token resistance school of sex popularly attributed to romance novels, where one participant protests at first but then begins to enjoy it.

Needless to say, despite being very, very common, rape fantasies are a very sensitive topic, because they often shade into things that squick people or carry big, well deserved trigger warnings. They also end up being a source of argument when it comes to talking about sexual desire and what people really want in bed.  Rape is considered, by most people, to be one of the most vile things you can do to a human, but some people have a certain degree of confusion on what is and isn’t okay (and some very weird gender theories) based on the sheer common to the point of banality rate that people have consent violation fantasies, both as victim and perpetrator. The result is a whole bunch of other terms and euphemisms to talk about it- ravishment and consensual non-consent being popular ways to distance the product of one’s sexual imagination from real sexual assault.

That being said, a sexual assault is simply not the same thing as a rape fantasy, and making the distinction is only worth token acknowledgement. I’m going to flat out say that nobody wants to actually be sexually assaulted no matter how elaborate and violent their fantasies are- now there might be a few self harming weirdoes out there who will talk about how they want it to be real, but it’s not a statistically significant amount. And speaking about someone who’s both experienced sexual assault and done this sort of thing as play, there is an overwhelming world of difference of how you feel around the real thing and a comfortable expression of sexuality with your partner. Kind of like stick fighting in a LARP and actually getting into a war are different concepts. Now that we’ve got that out of the way, more on how people experience them after the jump…

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When Kink Limits Change & More Caretaking Challenges

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I encountered a really tough problem recently on reddit:

My sub’s ingratitude is destroying our relationship. I took him under my wing. When I met him, he was another college drop-out with no body to speak of. Thanks to my guidance, he now has a good job, goes to gym regularly and looks his best.

Now life’s going well, suddenly I’m too controlling? He wants to challenge my rules? Rules we both agreed on BTW.

He was always shy about his fantasies. I kept at him until he opened up. He didn’t know how to apply them. As usual, I took over. I taught him how to service me. I tied him up and played with him until he was a quivering pile of ecstasy. I taught him all about the prostate and gave him the best orgasms possible. And he loved every minute.

So how does he repay me? He starts safe-wording nearly every time we play. He suddenly wants to renegotiate scenes. He says he doesn’t like some of the stuff we do. He says used to go along with it because he was scared of disappointing me. That’s crap. He loved it – he wouldn’t get off if he didn’t.

Why is he testing me like this? And how do I remind this boy exactly which of us is in charge?

lictenstein
“Why won’t he submit the way he used to?”

Ouch, that’s one sad femdom! This one resonated with me, because it’s close to a bunch of problems I had to tackle. I don’t think the problem is precisely ingratitude, but nevertheless, it’s a nasty situation to find yourself in as a dom.

Reddit mostly attacked her attitude as not taking her sub’s limits seriously enough, but it’s really hard to deal with someone whose kink limits evolve within a relationship or someone who is not consistently on board with what you want. It’s also very frustrating as a dominant, to have the urge for control stifled by someone being more interested in their fetishes and the parameters they want them expressed under, than in supporting your sense of control, while trying to balance that with your own need to meet and respect whatever limits a person asks for.

And it can be hard when you a have an expectation to push through and reach someone and do the hard work of making judgement calls for both of you, and then sometimes they need you to do that and sometimes they don’t. However…

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Femdom Book Review: Serving the Succubus by Haleigh Cookson Clark

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Serving the Succubus

Serving the Succubus by Haleigh Cookson Clark

If you are going to set out to write a character that is voraciously sexual, you can’t go wrong with “Missy”, the Succubus of this short by sweet sexual romp. It’s bossy and carnal without being scary or mean and makes a pretty good interpretation with the oft used trope of the sex demon lady.

Heleigh Cookson Clark is a prolific author, with a large collection of ebooks devoted to all things sensual and erotic. She is to be commended for tackling a fairly challenging problem in all things pornographic- making a female dominant character that feels like one could self insert into, pretty key in any erotic fantasy that’s not simply voyeuristic. In this case, the fantasy is a power fantasy of being sexual desire personified, but nonetheless fun.

Another serious point in favour of the author- the hapless victim is very much wanted by Missy, something you don’t see enough of in femdom media. Succubi in general benefit from the fact that they like sex, and the frazzled grad student hero “Ethan Banks” is likeable and convincing food to appease his top. He’s actually very much like the guys I know in real life to the point that a tiny little bit of me thinks a real Ethan Banks may be running around in the wild -or at least fragments of him are.

And it’s not usual that someone as debauched as me really feels a bit naughty after reading something, even in a femdom book.

What’s my final verdict?
Category: Ebook
Rating: o~o~o~o (4/5)
How I got it: Review copy
TL;DR: Femdom short fiction, essentially one very long sex scene with a dom who has a tail. But she likes the sub, so yaye!

15 Things I Wish I’d Known as a New Femdom

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alicescanWhile I’ve always had an inclination in the direction of kinky, even before my sexuality was much of a coherent thing, for much of my life I didn’t really know how to describe what I wanted and I certainly didn’t always know how to get what I wanted. Finding out the word was “dominant” was a total light bulb moment, but after all the exploration I’ve done, there’s still a few things I wish came in the welcome package for every new femdom.

1) You are only 50% of the end product in any D/s dynamic. What you are building together, with your partner, is a feeling. This is about as tricky as say, building a sense of love or deep trust, and it’s not going to work with any random sub or switch anymore than any heterosexual man or women are automatically perfect for each other just because they’re both straight. The corollary of this is that just because he first sub identifying people you meet are not attractive to you does not mean you aren’t a dom.

2) Chuck all your assumptions on how you should act and how the other person should act out the window and actually talk about how you want things to look like together. Assumptions are like not reading the map when you embark on unknown territory. Otherwise if you’re a sadist and they’re not it could get ouchy (sorry, sorry!), or they can spend all their time sulking because they thought all doms do their particular favourite fetishes and it hasn’t occurred to you to try it.

3) Put both your fetishes into a big pot and stir them together. Dominants are not fetish fulfilment agents, but subs are not robots. Your D/s identity is only the opening line in a discussion that leads to you both getting what you want and fetishes are the extras that help you achieve that. The dynamic that works is the one that takes into account that you both have needs.

4) You may need to push a bit against people being annoying or unhelpful to get started. (Sorry, it’s probably the patriarchy.) One of the biggest things that discourages female dominants is the first time we try to assert ourselves, a partner decides to say no or make it extra difficult (particularly if said dominant is a switch), or they approached you with their desire like it was a big awful, complicated favour that has to follow the sub’s script. It is okay to say “I need you to work with me” or require things to be made simple for you. You don’t have the right to dom someone against their wishes, and everyone deserves limits, but anyone who really wants to support you should be open minded and at least ready to humour you.

5) It is not who you are, it’s what you want. You can be the most whip skilled, knot wizard girl scout with the most assertive demeanor ever, or you can be a shy and doe eyed creature who hurts yourself when spanking someone else. You can be a professional hostage negotiator, or cry when you have to ask for a raise. You can look like a fetish pinup or a soccer mom. Whatever your personality is like, what makes you dominant is the desire to dominate, and that’s also whether it is limited to your significant other once a month after church, or done all the time with a forty person harem carrying you about on a sedan chair.

6) You have to be selfish about not compromising on your core desires. This one is a toughy because nobody sets out to be intentionally selfish- but because everyone is fussy and has their own things, it’s easy to be accommodating. This ranges from putting up with partners who arbitrarily get bored with D/s, to changing up everything so you do only the things the sub finds hot on their schedule, through to dating vanilla because being alone sucks. If you do this, something will always feel a little askew and temptation to what you really want may make you resentful.

7) There is no such thing as a non-dominant sex act. You can do oral. You can be penetrated. You can cross dress, you can be tied up, beaten and made to cry in public. See #1, for the root of this and also #5- but more to the point there may also be power for you by playing with your own vulnerability and it is not a feeling of control to let custom or the judgments of other dictate what you may do. You will feel better having the sex you like rather than the sex you think you should like.

8) Your sub may come with their own baggage related to their orientation. Particularly male subs, who get very short shrift and have to deal with feeling less than masculine or unsexy. This means a lot of people who think they need to apologize for wanting you. It also means a learning curve if you two try a fetish like cuckolding, where they discover that you really are more into them than the alternatives, regardless of the flavour of your bedroom talk.

9) The porn sucks, forget the porn. The porn will make you angry or sad. Fuck the porn. Porn that works for you will probably be a cobbled together collection of broken or hacked together bits and pieces. However half the people on the sub/switch side are also making do with the best they can get. So if you find someone who really gets what you’re looking for, tell them they’re awesome, because it’s probably a lonely labour of love for them.

10) Not all people of the submissive persuasion know how to make themselves feel the way they want to feel. This one is also a tough-y, in that you will end up meeting people who either found the feeling accidentally in a past relationship, or during solo self exploration, who will then expect you to be able to bring that feeling out of them. It is not a measure of your worth as a person if you can’t make someone feel submissive.

11) Someone being submissive to you in a way that makes you feel powerful is magical, but can feel really scary too.  I’m not the first person to notice that the desire to dominate can feel incredibly vulnerable, but once again, touching on #1, being dominant means needing someone else to do their half of things. When you get used to saying “meh” about people meeting your needs, it can be a feeling of frightening dependence to learn there is more for you out there from a few rare people.

12) You can only be someone’s fantasy for a short while, but you can be someone’s reality indefinitely. Professional doms make money living up to people’s fantasies in short duration, and specialize in making it as close to perfect as possible to maximize their profit. However in an actual relationship, if there is no room for you to be human it is going to eventually crumble under the weight of improbable expectations. A dynamic may take maintenance, but you shouldn’t need to be constantly plugging gaps and bailing the boat to keep someone’s attention and respect.

13) Looking after people can feel powerful, but it’s not a substitute for dominance. As a female identifying person, caretaking is one of the few non-controversial routes you are allowed to gain and exert power- but watch out for letting it turn into you being used. Do not tie yourself to dysfunctional people to feel powerful and strong by comparison- they will either get better and fuck up your little plan, or stay bad and fail to be there for you when you need them.

14) Don’t even think of going semi-pro, and don’t tolerate being treated like the budget option. Either become a full on professional dominant and charge what they are worth, or stick to doing it for love- becoming a grey area pro is not going to help or make you happy and people trying to ‘tribute’ you can’t imagine you enjoying things for their own sake. Sex Worker is a job, and the rates they charge are also to screen out the guys who are not worth their time, as well as to deal with the headache of people with a “me first” attitude. Only play with people who are serious about you as a person, either out of respect and affection. And more to the point, becoming a grey area pro-dom is confusing if you ever plan on an actual relationship- and those “budget” clients will not see a cheaper rate as a warning not to push for more than you feel like giving.

15) The people who help you figure this out will come from all sorts of different places. They will be the sub boyfriend who is better at knots than you because he’s been tying himself up for years. They will be the snarky older woman whose blog finally makes you realize you can have fun with this, or that your secret fantasies have a name and people really live that way. They will be your mom accidentally pointing out that the reason why you’re not happy in your relationship is the lack of power, or even the high school boys who insisted on carrying your books. They will be the Disney villainess you were supposed to be scared of, and the person who is asking your for help that forces you to actually examine how things work. and you’re always going to be learning- there is no being done with that until you’re dead.

What I want in a submissive…

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hands+tied+rope+I want to see your eyes wide and glassy, vulnerable, your mouth in a pout and myself loom above you. I want to feel that you feel helpless, and that however I twist and pull you, you will follow.

I want to feel your desire, like an anchor chain, a need for me that would make you crawl on your belly for me, beg me, debase yourself and fight for me.  I want to make you do all those things to prove to me what I can already tell by looking at you. I want you to fear me, just a little, as something you can never handle completely. I want there to be masochism, but balanced by both lust and a little rebellion.

I want male flesh. That means I want to feel my hand hold a solid jaw when I make you look me in the eye, and I want to feel muscles that are, by nature, stronger than mine when I push you down and make you yield and when my hands hold yours to the pillow, pushed over your head so I can loom and kiss you. I want you to be beautiful for me, to make your body into something you hope I will take as an offering, and something I will take from you. I want to see you stretched and stripped, taught to flinch when I touch you, yet crave to rest your head on my lap.

I want you to fight me, so I can break you, than take those shivering bits and pieces and put them back as strong as before. I want a tough toy that takes, claw and teeth and pain- I want a fragile toy that I can bend with a look. I want a victim- I don’t want to cosset and I don’t want to think about a “slave heart” when I strike you, nor wrangle whether you are a “natural submissive” or whether I, indeed, am True. I don’t want to be a Nice Mistress or a Goddess type role who leads you to a higher place; I want you to be outraged at the indignity and the liberty I am taking with your flesh, your mind and your self… and turned on by this. Consent is crucial, but I need you to have the imagination to feel vulnerable when you are perfectly safe with me.

And yet, as much as the resistance matters, I want you to want it so bad you admit it. Oh, I don’t mind if it’s not an easy confession, but one that has to be coaxed out of you under time or duress. But I want you to know you are mine. I want you to feel that you belong with me above all others, because I, myself can worry that I am to be found wanting.

That takes confidence, from you, to think of yourself as the best for me. I know it’s a lot to want in a partner, much less to want in a submissive. But, I also know I want you, warts and all, even when you’re not in the mood and what I need to do right now is be a supportive person more than a dom. Or when it’s incredibly complicated. I want you to be human and real. I want the effort more so than the perfection. I suppose a lot of it is wanting my wants to be validated. And in the end, I guess that’s what everyone wants.