O Guide Me

For those how tos and advice, either mine or other people’s!

When Kink Limits Change & More Caretaking Challenges

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I encountered a really tough problem recently on reddit:

My sub’s ingratitude is destroying our relationship. I took him under my wing. When I met him, he was another college drop-out with no body to speak of. Thanks to my guidance, he now has a good job, goes to gym regularly and looks his best.

Now life’s going well, suddenly I’m too controlling? He wants to challenge my rules? Rules we both agreed on BTW.

He was always shy about his fantasies. I kept at him until he opened up. He didn’t know how to apply them. As usual, I took over. I taught him how to service me. I tied him up and played with him until he was a quivering pile of ecstasy. I taught him all about the prostate and gave him the best orgasms possible. And he loved every minute.

So how does he repay me? He starts safe-wording nearly every time we play. He suddenly wants to renegotiate scenes. He says he doesn’t like some of the stuff we do. He says used to go along with it because he was scared of disappointing me. That’s crap. He loved it – he wouldn’t get off if he didn’t.

Why is he testing me like this? And how do I remind this boy exactly which of us is in charge?

lictenstein
“Why won’t he submit the way he used to?”

Ouch, that’s one sad femdom! This one resonated with me, because it’s close to a bunch of problems I had to tackle. I don’t think the problem is precisely ingratitude, but nevertheless, it’s a nasty situation to find yourself in as a dom.

Reddit mostly attacked her attitude as not taking her sub’s limits seriously enough, but it’s really hard to deal with someone whose kink limits evolve within a relationship or someone who is not consistently on board with what you want. It’s also very frustrating as a dominant, to have the urge for control stifled by someone being more interested in their fetishes and the parameters they want them expressed under, than in supporting your sense of control, while trying to balance that with your own need to meet and respect whatever limits a person asks for.

And it can be hard when you a have an expectation to push through and reach someone and do the hard work of making judgement calls for both of you, and then sometimes they need you to do that and sometimes they don’t. However…

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15 Things I Wish I’d Known as a New Femdom

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alicescanWhile I’ve always had an inclination in the direction of kinky, even before my sexuality was much of a coherent thing, for much of my life I didn’t really know how to describe what I wanted and I certainly didn’t always know how to get what I wanted. Finding out the word was “dominant” was a total light bulb moment, but after all the exploration I’ve done, there’s still a few things I wish came in the welcome package for every new femdom.

1) You are only 50% of the end product in any D/s dynamic. What you are building together, with your partner, is a feeling. This is about as tricky as say, building a sense of love or deep trust, and it’s not going to work with any random sub or switch anymore than any heterosexual man or women are automatically perfect for each other just because they’re both straight. The corollary of this is that just because he first sub identifying people you meet are not attractive to you does not mean you aren’t a dom.

2) Chuck all your assumptions on how you should act and how the other person should act out the window and actually talk about how you want things to look like together. Assumptions are like not reading the map when you embark on unknown territory. Otherwise if you’re a sadist and they’re not it could get ouchy (sorry, sorry!), or they can spend all their time sulking because they thought all doms do their particular favourite fetishes and it hasn’t occurred to you to try it.

3) Put both your fetishes into a big pot and stir them together. Dominants are not fetish fulfilment agents, but subs are not robots. Your D/s identity is only the opening line in a discussion that leads to you both getting what you want and fetishes are the extras that help you achieve that. The dynamic that works is the one that takes into account that you both have needs.

4) You may need to push a bit against people being annoying or unhelpful to get started. (Sorry, it’s probably the patriarchy.) One of the biggest things that discourages female dominants is the first time we try to assert ourselves, a partner decides to say no or make it extra difficult (particularly if said dominant is a switch), or they approached you with their desire like it was a big awful, complicated favour that has to follow the sub’s script. It is okay to say “I need you to work with me” or require things to be made simple for you. You don’t have the right to dom someone against their wishes, and everyone deserves limits, but anyone who really wants to support you should be open minded and at least ready to humour you.

5) It is not who you are, it’s what you want. You can be the most whip skilled, knot wizard girl scout with the most assertive demeanor ever, or you can be a shy and doe eyed creature who hurts yourself when spanking someone else. You can be a professional hostage negotiator, or cry when you have to ask for a raise. You can look like a fetish pinup or a soccer mom. Whatever your personality is like, what makes you dominant is the desire to dominate, and that’s also whether it is limited to your significant other once a month after church, or done all the time with a forty person harem carrying you about on a sedan chair.

6) You have to be selfish about not compromising on your core desires. This one is a toughy because nobody sets out to be intentionally selfish- but because everyone is fussy and has their own things, it’s easy to be accommodating. This ranges from putting up with partners who arbitrarily get bored with D/s, to changing up everything so you do only the things the sub finds hot on their schedule, through to dating vanilla because being alone sucks. If you do this, something will always feel a little askew and temptation to what you really want may make you resentful.

7) There is no such thing as a non-dominant sex act. You can do oral. You can be penetrated. You can cross dress, you can be tied up, beaten and made to cry in public. See #1, for the root of this and also #5- but more to the point there may also be power for you by playing with your own vulnerability and it is not a feeling of control to let custom or the judgments of other dictate what you may do. You will feel better having the sex you like rather than the sex you think you should like.

8) Your sub may come with their own baggage related to their orientation. Particularly male subs, who get very short shrift and have to deal with feeling less than masculine or unsexy. This means a lot of people who think they need to apologize for wanting you. It also means a learning curve if you two try a fetish like cuckolding, where they discover that you really are more into them than the alternatives, regardless of the flavour of your bedroom talk.

9) The porn sucks, forget the porn. The porn will make you angry or sad. Fuck the porn. Porn that works for you will probably be a cobbled together collection of broken or hacked together bits and pieces. However half the people on the sub/switch side are also making do with the best they can get. So if you find someone who really gets what you’re looking for, tell them they’re awesome, because it’s probably a lonely labour of love for them.

10) Not all people of the submissive persuasion know how to make themselves feel the way they want to feel. This one is also a tough-y, in that you will end up meeting people who either found the feeling accidentally in a past relationship, or during solo self exploration, who will then expect you to be able to bring that feeling out of them. It is not a measure of your worth as a person if you can’t make someone feel submissive.

11) Someone being submissive to you in a way that makes you feel powerful is magical, but can feel really scary too.  I’m not the first person to notice that the desire to dominate can feel incredibly vulnerable, but once again, touching on #1, being dominant means needing someone else to do their half of things. When you get used to saying “meh” about people meeting your needs, it can be a feeling of frightening dependence to learn there is more for you out there from a few rare people.

12) You can only be someone’s fantasy for a short while, but you can be someone’s reality indefinitely. Professional doms make money living up to people’s fantasies in short duration, and specialize in making it as close to perfect as possible to maximize their profit. However in an actual relationship, if there is no room for you to be human it is going to eventually crumble under the weight of improbable expectations. A dynamic may take maintenance, but you shouldn’t need to be constantly plugging gaps and bailing the boat to keep someone’s attention and respect.

13) Looking after people can feel powerful, but it’s not a substitute for dominance. As a female identifying person, caretaking is one of the few non-controversial routes you are allowed to gain and exert power- but watch out for letting it turn into you being used. Do not tie yourself to dysfunctional people to feel powerful and strong by comparison- they will either get better and fuck up your little plan, or stay bad and fail to be there for you when you need them.

14) Don’t even think of going semi-pro, and don’t tolerate being treated like the budget option. Either become a full on professional dominant and charge what they are worth, or stick to doing it for love- becoming a grey area pro is not going to help or make you happy and people trying to ‘tribute’ you can’t imagine you enjoying things for their own sake. Sex Worker is a job, and the rates they charge are also to screen out the guys who are not worth their time, as well as to deal with the headache of people with a “me first” attitude. Only play with people who are serious about you as a person, either out of respect and affection. And more to the point, becoming a grey area pro-dom is confusing if you ever plan on an actual relationship- and those “budget” clients will not see a cheaper rate as a warning not to push for more than you feel like giving.

15) The people who help you figure this out will come from all sorts of different places. They will be the sub boyfriend who is better at knots than you because he’s been tying himself up for years. They will be the snarky older woman whose blog finally makes you realize you can have fun with this, or that your secret fantasies have a name and people really live that way. They will be your mom accidentally pointing out that the reason why you’re not happy in your relationship is the lack of power, or even the high school boys who insisted on carrying your books. They will be the Disney villainess you were supposed to be scared of, and the person who is asking your for help that forces you to actually examine how things work. and you’re always going to be learning- there is no being done with that until you’re dead.

33 Things Every Submissive Man Should Know

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1) We are people too, and all the vanilla courtesies still apply. For you as well as me.

2) Don’t fawn all over us; you will sound like a tool. Don’t call us “Mistress“, “Goddess” or “Lady” unless we tell you to. Don’t try to act like our sub without our consent- anymore than you’d act like a woman’s boyfriend without her say so. We shouldn’t try to pull rank on you either, just ‘cuz. Don’t put up with that shit.

3) That hand kissing thing doesn’t make you a subservient old school gentleman, it makes you a show boater.

4) Your fetishes, needs and desires matter. They are not, however, my problem until I choose to make them my problem by getting into a relationship with you or choosing to address them when we play, and probably anything we do will be a mutually complimentary fusion of both our desires- don’t stand for a relationship where your needs aren’t being met- it doesn’t make you a True Submissive, it makes you a martyr.

5) Getting flogged, spanked, dressed in lingerie, or pretty much all your fetishes are intimate acts, even if they don’t involve your penis. They are therefore as intimate and personal as asking for sex. Govern yourself accordingly.

6) For the love of all that is holy, stop offering me acts of service unless they are your fetish, or I specifically say I want them, and even more so, stop trying to trade acts of service for acts of kink. A house cleaner makes way less per hour than a pro-dom.

7) Not all female dominants are professionals. Not all women are comfortable with you buying them stuff. In fact, if you want to buy them stuff, you still shouldn’t lead with your wallet because we will think you think your money has power over us.

8) Your submissive desires do not define you. They are part of who you are, but not the entirety of who you are, and a dom’s long term interest in you will probably have a lot more to do with the whole person than you being a sub. Also the type of submissive you are is informed by the rest of your personality.

9) Women who demand tribute to talk to you or to prove your seriousness are scammers or naive. Professionals who stay in the business will be trading a real service for money, and will be as explicit and up front about what they do to the extent that the local laws governing solicitation let them. Women who ask for money to dom you are professionals, regardless of skill or sanity.

10) You are no more or less valuable or worthy as a person because you are a male submissive. You are not doomed to only getting your kinks met if you hire a professional. You are not unattractive to all women, even the doms.

11) We probably like looking good and being fantastic as much as the next person, but we can’t sustain a conversation based on how awesome we are. It’s either trying to force a worship dynamic on us, we will perceive it as you discussing your turn ons, or typical human modesty will cause us to blush and deny. Use compliments like pepper with new people- sparingly applied where suited.

12) On the flip side, working on being more hot can’t really hurt your chances, particularly if you want a ‘hot’ dominant woman. Make sure your hair is groomed and flattering, your clothes fit and you otherwise take advantage of the best tools available to your regardless of your subculture memberships. Humans are shallow.

 13) Do not underestimate the ability of supposedly vanilla women to surprise you- not all doms hide out in BDSM environments. But, likewise don’t mash a square peg into a round hole. Your ability to convince a woman is related to your ability to make it seem sexy and inviting, and not like a chore she’s doing for you.

14) When you do hook up, don’t deliberately disobey and do a shitty job of things because you think that’s the only way to get beaten/punished. Make a clear distinction with your dom regarding your needs- if she really cared about what she told you to do she will not want to reward you with your fetish when you fail to do it.

15) You may not meet your true love at a munch, but you probably will meet other kinky people on the same page as you. I can’t promise that you will make friends because you might be shy and socially incompetent, but I can promise if you want a relationship you will have to talk to people somewhere. At least all the people attending should be soem sort of kinky.

16) Not all doms are sadomasochists. Not all doms don’t know not all subs are not sadomasochists. Try to talk about stuff- you don’t have to be pushy to say that you don’t know if you will enjoy being spanked or not.

17) If you tell us that you need 300 levels of secrecy because of your Very Public Job, and you’re not a minor celebrity or living in a small conservative town of gossips, we are going to think you are married. Likewise, ‘discreet‘ is code word for ‘cheater‘.

18) Your wife might not understand you, but we know even if you are awesome, at best you’re going to break our heart  when you try to shield us from some other thing you think we can’t handle, just like her.

19) Safewords are so you can say “no!” and have her ignore it. Ignoring a safeword, on the other hand, is bad news. Discuss in advance what it means to you and do not assume. Hell, never, ever assume.

20) If you act like every female dominant you meet is the last lifeboat off the Titanic or your only chance at a relationship, we are going to run away, because it will make you behave like a nut job. And you will get taken advantage of because you are desperate.

21) If you expect every female dominant to come fully equip with gear, whip skill and a private dungeon, you will be sad. If you expect them to look better than the normal range of attractiveness you will also be sad. If you try to buy us all the accoutrements to turn us into your idealized dom, you will probably also be sad and we will be grumpy because you think we are some sort of fetish paper doll and now our spare bedroom is full of your shit.

22) Courtship overtures that start with a positive comparison of us compared with all other doms, such as that we are prettier, saner, smarter, etc… do not go as well as you think they will. Keep in mind that it is all too easy to project your ideals onto strangers and it’s going to be very awkward if you praise her for something that is not the case.

23) We can’t despise you if we want you to be our sub. We can pretend. We can say all sorts of mean things. But only an emotional masochist will get into a relationship with someone who really makes their skin crawl or really is unsatisfying company.

24) Your penis size is less important than you seem to think. Don’t get me wrong, some of us care- and a lot of us will wanna see, but later and well photographed.

25) This isn’t grindr, so you can’t seduce women with a lousy picture of your anus. Similarly an online persona laced with overtly sexual pictures and stolen porn will make you look only down to fuck.

26) Don’t tell us how our gender or ethnicity makes us naturally dominant. Also, vanilla tip, praising our looks based on ethnicity is going to get frowns. Especially if you get it wrong.

27) Don’t tell us certain sex acts aren’t ‘dominant’ or worry about how subs aren’t supposed to want certain things. You don’t have to be into penetration, but that’s not because you are a sub, but because that’s your preference. Also, accept that satisfying your partner as a sub may mean doing what she wants, not what you wish she wanted. If she wants her tits slapped during sex, she wants her tits slapped. Likewise if you still like blowjobs, you still like blowjobs.

28) On the flip side, pegging, cross dressing, etc… are not inherently submissive. ‘Serve’ is not synonymous with ‘kinky sex act’. Not all doms will do or want to do your fetish. Unfortunately porn files things in clusters, but those clusters don’t always reflect real life. If you just want it up the butt, you don’t need to call a woman ‘Mistress’.

29) You are allowed to have limits. It is not your dom’s job to ‘push’ or ‘expand’ your limits unless you both think that idea of that is sexy. Porn sites like kink.com use that as a cheap trick to make their sex seem more intense and scary.

30) Switches are not inferior dominants or lousy subs. Not all switches are on/off style either- so their desires may be more of a dimmer than a radio button.

31) Don’t trash talk other subs or try to pull rank based on how you are “alpha” or “a true submissive”. Doms don’t like it when you tell us what we want, and you don’t know what we want until you get to know us. Your ranking system is merely self labelling.

32) Target sanely. All your service sub studying in giving manicures and tending to high heels will baffle a gender queer dom women who just wants a nice service sub to help her/them with carpentry projects. Prep is not bad, but there’s no magic bullet and what you did to prepare for us will inform us of who you think we are.

33) Dominant women can be insecure, sad, clueless, make mistakes, need snuggles, love you, have terrible taste in media, get horribly infected ingrown toenails, have body image issues, question their sexuality and self esteem and at the end of the day are just as lost, clueless and fumbling around as you.

(There you go, 33 heteronormative things for F/m minded submissive hopefuls to improve their chance of happiness. – Oh goodness, this list has gotten popular!)

The Big Mistake Even Good Submissive Men Make When Looking For A Femdom

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Male subs, stop asking for the relationship you don’t actually want with a dominant woman.

This pertains to you, the guy who is thoughtfully and carefully filling out a profile to put his best foot forward on the internet, or sending out your messages nervously and respectfully as you can, to try to convince what you see as a rare, nice femdom woman that she should be into you, or at least not knee jerk delete your greeting. This is talking to the guy who tells people, as reassuringly as he can, that he is “very submissive” and will do anything to make them happy while trying hard not to rule anything out by being specific. Or the guy who helpfully fills out that he’ll do house chores, chauffeur her around, anything really, as long as she will just deign to accept him or even talk to him. Or the person who petitions women like he should be apologizing for wasting the carbon than makes up his body mass.

Not all of you sub guys should actually be doing this. It’s actually hurting your chances at making a human connection.

Yes, it’s not a good idea to lead with a barrage of demands, and nobody likes a laundry list of fetishes in their inbox or a partner who has how you’ll act all mapped out. But, if you’re at all a long time reader of this blog, you probably aren’t dealing with the level of selfishness or stupid, which leads you to message women with “wanna meet at my hotel while I’m in town for business and spank me and fuck my ass?!”. 

I’m talking about the fact that a lot of sub guys prepare themselves to please an internalized idea of what a femdom is. In most people’s minds, that’s a very client-and-pro styled relationship, where the assumption is that the woman is not willing and eager in her own right. It’s, at the very least, a hyper exaggeration of the idea that nice girls really don’t wanna and need to be bribed and cajoled into it. I’ve rattled that cage often enough this should be old hat right now, that a lot of us dominan women love it for its own sake. However, what isn’t being said, but needs to be said is this-

A lot of you guys aren’t actually into either being unpaid domestic workers or Mr. Everybody’s Servile Cur and you are still selling yourself that way because you think that’s the Right Thing to Do. For every silly boob who writes me calling me “Mistress Goddess Lady Divine” because he wants it to be true, there’s a not so silly bloke who thinks I simply delete anyone who doesn’t address me like I was some sort of fantasy nobility and thinks it’s a protocol thing he has to go through because otherwise he’s not a Good Submissive (TM). And it’s past time we stopped demanding every guy with a submissive fantasy act like a simpering sycophant or an emotional masochist before the relationship even gets off the ground. Afterwards? That’s up to you- but before? This trend is not helping.

Real life example time:

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Why A Special Protocol To Approach Dominant Women Is A Dumb Idea

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Brief break from emotional gut spilling and porn, for something that was sitting in drafts- a rant on why it’s a bad idea to try to develop a universal approach for doms.

This one gets bandied about on forums a lot- how to reach out to dominant women in a way that’s not offensive to them. I already talked about some advice about how to meet and approach dominant women but that was more general and really, does not address something that comes up all too much. Periodically, someone will ask:

“What if we had special codified instructions?”

or

“Wouldn’t it be great if there was a special set of steps so submissives could learn how to be good subs and show they were the bestest?”

No. No. This is a completely unworkable idea. The suggestion is usually presented as a way for the more-submissive-than-thou types to differentiate themselves from the common herd, usually by someone who thinks their dominance exemplifies them in some manner and is the be all and end all of their personality. It’s also a viewpoint that makes no room for switches.

Thus, schemes are proposed suggesting the sub should come as a penitent or present themselves like they were petitioning the pope. This is primarily the lamentable tendency for people to think in terms of fantasy BDSM societies or like kink has to redefine your social patterns. Now, I’m as silly as the next person, so hardly in a position to throw stones at all the kajiras, and live and let live tends to be the functional truce for the kinky but…

I’m just going to come down, categorically, and say that unless this is protocol night at your local dungeon, starting up a power exchange dynamic before you’ve established a relationship has no good attached to it. Sure, artificial social hierarchies are fun, and kink as a subculture has some constants, but take even collaring.- collars are used to signify everything from attached monogamous relationships to simply submissive leanings, to fashion statements. You just can’t force everyone onto the same page.

And presumed supplication to dominance sets up a number of problems. First of all, it’s domism. It perpetuates the general power of dominant identified people well outside the boundaries of sensibility and awards all doms power over all submissives.

The power dynamic starts after you two agree on it. Sure, it feels good to say “how can you hope to be a submissive for someone if you ignore my ‘no dick shots!’ request in my profile!” but the reality is that people who don’t respect your reasonably boundaries would probably be bad doms or bad switches or bad lovers in general.

Reader Letter: Second Thoughts After Pushing A Limit

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We have our second ever reader letter! SecondThoughts is brave enough to share their experience with exploring limits and what can go wrong.

Hi Miss Pearl,
First off, long time lurker, first time poster. Me and my play partner, are both newish to BDSM. We were discussing for something trying to push one of my limits. but when came to try it I started having second thoughts. For a number of reasons, I didn’t say anything and while everything turned out fine, it still left me feeling uncomfortable that I hadn’t said anything.

 

To get to the question. Is there anyway you recommend, for telling your dom that you may be having second thoughts or that you need more time to be mentally ready. Without completely breaking the mood or pulling out your safeword? I know honesty is the best policy, just wanted to get the opinion of a more seasoned person. Thank you for reading,
SecondThoughts

 

Hi SecondThoughts!

It’s always a challenge when you’re on the fence about something- especially with the pressure to expand limits and boundaries (kink.com is particularly guilty of this one, trying to get extra oomph from declarations like ‘limits are mostly mental’). But your limits are part of your ability to consent. People who are incapably of saying no can’t say yes.

For those of you who are completely new to kink, a limit is a “nope, no way, can’t do it” act or behaviour. It can range from the sensible (no children, pretty much everyone’s default limit) to the highly specific (no face slapping!). Some people further break down limits into hard limits and soft limits. The former means something that will never, ever happen and the latter means that the person might be open to doing it, in a long term, supportive situation where they feel safe.

Limits exist for lots of reasons. Maybe you have a medical problem that makes it impractical to do a particular thing like prolonged bondage, an allergy or a phobia. Maybe something is particularly sensitive. Sometimes it’s something the person just isn’t comfortable with, no complicated explanation needed. Some people enjoy the idea of playing “without limits” or feel that their limits interfere with their ability to submit. There’s a word or someone who is literally down for being murdered, and that’s not romantic and trusting. In practice the ‘no limits’ crew get away with it basically by relying on the dom to have the limits. Playing with the fear ‘what if s/he goes too far?!” is not my thing, although a lot harder to do in F/m anyway- especially if you are emotionally healthy with each other.

Less talked about, but just as valid, are a dom’s limits. My hard limits are kids, pets, permanent harm and things that could give you e-coli. Amputations and breaking laws are both things I have zero interest in doing or dealing with. I also have a bunch of things that I might do, but are decidedly edge play for me- for example decorative, lasting body mods. At this juncture I won’t have anyone branded/inked even if they ask nicely, but maybe with the right person who was already demonstrably into personal adornment and to whom I knew it was a long, healthy relationship, I might. I won’t take a single tail to someone either, but I might if I knew I wouldn’t put their or my eye out in the process.

From the context, SecondThoughts was trying to explore a soft limit and discovered that, during and after trying it out this clearly wasn’t something that worked for them. So, what to do? There’s a lot of pressure there on the sub- nobody likes feeling like you’re wishy washy, and even if your dom is very easy going, if you’re into obedience it can be emotionally hard for you to cry off mid-scene.

Sometimes things just don’t work out right in the moment and it’s not anyone failing, just not the right thing for that second. Many people use a multi-step safeword system for this reason. That’s the stoplight system– red for ‘stop right now!’ and yellow or amber for ‘caution!’. You can discuss with your dom how best they want you to communicate when you’re just not feeling it. No reasonable dom wants to do genuine trauma to their partner so, while I usually don’t speak in ‘shoulds’, your dom should be understanding about this situation.

Psychologically speaking though,  it can also be easy to have pride in your ability to endure, so it can feel like you are failing when you admit that something is a bit much for you.  Things like pain thresholds can feel extremely competitive for people- with the perpetual war between “heavy” players and “soft” players. The counterpoint to feeling like what the dom says has to go regardless of your recovery after is that dominants are not telepathic.

On of humanity’s greatest strengths is our knack for communication- it extends from being able to function  between fundamentally different people who speak different languages, to being able to empathize outside of your species and guess what a dog is feeling or when a plant needs extra attention. However- even if you are hardcore into people as property, if you want to own someone, if your sub is a person that means one of the biggest gifts they can give you is their perspective.

Some of the tricks people use include asking the sub to keep a shared journal, or making a post-scene discussion part of aftercare. In an ideal world everyone would just be able to talk about stuff, but remember that there’s no shame in developing special rituals to make it easier to discuss things.

Now if you want a little more reading on the mechanics and function of safewords, I also recommend this post from Clarisse Thorn, who talks about Safewords and Check-Ins.

Just remember, accidents happen. It’s not just avoiding mistakes that is important, but how you handle things after something does go wrong.

Reader Letter: Hurting Yourself & Tying Yourself Up

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Closer to God, or orgasm. Works for me.

Self inflicted sadomasochism is often the first ways we get to experiment with our kinks. Whether you fantasized as a kid about how your piano lessons were taking place at gunpoint, you’re looking for some you focused self gratification or you’re simply trying to understand how something works before you try it on someone else, there are many reasons you might want to try an activity on yourself. Tying yourself up is not an uncommon form of early exploration into kink and, I think solo play deserves as much love as playing with a partner.

So I got this message recently, from a reader:

Hello Miss Pearl,

I have followed your blog for quite some time and enjoy it very much. You seem to offer a sane, critical, level headed view on BDSM community that I find quite refreshing. I have recently begun taking the first step past “lurking” on fetlife to more interactive engaging. I am a switch myself so am happy as a dominant or submissive. What I am interested in , is some online torture ideas that can be preformed on me, or directed by me. I recently experienced a “session ?” with elastic bands around my quads, that I found but exhilarating and painful in equal measure.

I have read what I can find online, which involve, chopsticks, ginger, clothes pegs etc. Yet nothing real jumps out at me. I was wondering do you have any ideas/knowledge of where to best look to get more informed on the subject ?? Thanks for taking the time to read,, and for maintaining such a quality blog.

Best,

4playfiend

Dear 4playfiend:

Sadomasochism is not always a couples activity, as many people have discovered. However, doing it by yourself obviously presents some challenges. For one thing, some bondage scenarios are just a little difficult when you can’t reach the knots and it may not feel quite the same way to do things to yourself. On the other hand, for one reason or another, for example a long distance relationship or happy fun time at home, you may want to engage in a little erotic self mortification.

But first, three pieces of safety advice for all you masturbatory enthusiasts reading.

  1. No breath play without a reliable partner. Breath play is already fucking dangerous without someone there to provide supervision and solo choking and smothering has claimed many people.  Don’t put things around your neck or plastic bags on your head.
  2. No vacbeds. Even on a timer, or set up in a way that you think you can get out of. Again, people have died this way, even people who were as close to vacbed experts as it gets.
  3. Don’t restrain yourself in a non-foolproof way. Use the baby handcuffs with the safety release switches and don’t just rely on “eventually I can wiggle free!”. As fun as freezing keys in an ice block sounds, you want something a bit more easy to deal with if your house catches on fire or you otherwise need to get out fast.

Everyone’s fetishes are a little different, so what you will find enjoyable is probably going to vary from one person to the next. Functionally speaking the number of ways that you can harmlessly give those nerve endings a hard time is as infinite as your imagination.  But if you’re really stumped, here’s a leaping off place:

Figging, icy hot, hot sauce, etc…  Some people like this sort of thing applied to a mucus membrane. Remember that ginger, the source of figging, has an unreliable level of spiciness, and what goes on may be more intense than you intended. As with eating spicy foods, oils are better for removing stinging burning oils and for gods sake, test that stuff slowly- do not randomly enema yourself with undiluted Ghost Pepper juice.

Clips, clamps and ties. Clothes pins are just one staple of this school of superficial but fun discomfort. You can get all sorts of pinchy grippy things, from clover clamps from the hardware store, to various hair clips (the metal ones tend to be a gentle, non-skin breaking chance for something spikey. Attach weights or not, as you prefer. You can also do “Zippers“, which for solo purposes, you can attach to a fixed point.

Non-binding harnesses, etc… As well as very, very light restraints of the kind that can be easily escaped from, those of you into the fine art of sexual macrame otherwise known as shibari, will discover that with patience there’s all sorts of chafe-y and tight ways to wind yourself up. for example this harness doesn’t need two people. Just cinch it nice and tight.

Kneeling on rice/dried peas/legoes. As well as something mean to do to your subs, it’s an easily reversible thing to do to yourself. This can be a bother to clean up. The trick here, if you want to surrender control, is probably a regular kitchen timer.

Exercise. It’s good for you and gets the endorphins flowing. And certain things like wall sits, planks and squats are uncomfortable and difficult. And, if you like externally applied attention, a simple exercise podcast can also help you trance out into the realm of pushing your body. Again, a timer is a harsh mistress/master that cannot be reasoned with.

Getting people superficially involved. If you’re really having trouble getting into the head state without at least some oversight, try something like fapdeciders at reddit. As well as giving you ideas, it’s an explicit community devoted to light, long distance attention.

Self bondage. There are 63 groups on fetlife devoted to tying yourself up. I suck at bondage but in my experience someone with a subbie streak and time on their hands is a fiend when it comes to elaborate but eventually escapable hogties and predicaments.

That’s only a superficial look at the subject matter, and leaves aside things like inflatable toys on timers, using dice to decide self punishments, and another other possibilities.

Hey readers, I’m not and expert and there’s a hundred of you or so stopping by every day. What’s your favourite selfie?

NonExpert Advice: Can I be a sub and an ‘Alpha’?

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I get a trickle of questions, much to my general bafflement. However, when they’re not strange men asking for training, I do my best to answer them. Like this person, who kindly allowed me to reprint their question. The wanted an answer to the age old question of if they got to be a sub without giving up the rest of their personalities.

Hello Miss,

I was wondering if you would have some time on your hands to help me understand the lifestyle and myself a little better. The reason I ask is because I find that you are aware of many things and I would love to hear your opinions and views on certain areas.

I have my view about the lifestyle but I think it’s time i begin my journey but there are certain things I need to know first. Also there are certain things I need to overcome first before I can say that I am ready to get involved in the scene.

I understand if you are busy but I would really appreciate any help you can offer as I have been struggling with this side of me for a very long time now and so far I have been doing it alone all this time. I know that there are monthly munches but to be honest it’s not really something that I am interested in.

I might sound like I’m all over the place and that’s because I am. Honestly I don’t know where to even begin and not to mention I suck at expressing myself so if there is anything that needs to be clarified please ask.

I think of myself living two lives. One of them is the so called vanilla lifestyle where I am the alpha male and the alternative lifestyle of submission to a female dominant. Can both worlds actually exists or am I being too greedy?

[Name redacted]

Of course he got a reply…

Read more

Self Sabotage & Communication

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As much as the collective kinky relationships blogasphere beat the “communication” drum so hard that the stick broke, in practice this is actually really, really difficult. Really, really, really, really difficult. No, seriously, it’s actually almost impossible for some people to just have a productive conversation about kink or about feelings or that thing that someone’s doing that really pisses you off. But, you need to make sure the problem is not you, and I find there’s a lot of self sabotage in trying to talk about stuff and how people try to get what they want from each other.

Situation: “If I don’t tell them, then they can’t say no!”

We like to believe that our friends and loved ones would, when the chips are down, do what’s most important to us. But, as a second best, being refused can feel scary and many people worry that the request itself will have consequences. For example a person who never asks a friend out because it would “ruin the friendship” or someone who explains their vanilla partner would never understand for fear that that person will think less of them.

Doms do this when they’re not sure that the sub will actually pull their weight. It’s a particular vulnerability inherent in D/s, that hearing a sub say “No!” makes you feel no longer in charge. Subs do it when they’re not sure their limits will be respected and they don’t feel strong enough to stand up for themselves, because it maintains the fantasy that the . Pay really close attention here, it’s a warning sign that you don’t trust your partner and their ability to meet your needs, or for the survival of the relationship if you have to face up to not getting what you want.

Suggestion: Frame your request.

Due diligence on how the other party likes to be approached with things is about your only protection from voluntarily locking yourself in limbo. If the request is important, try things like breaking it into smaller questions- for example few vanilla partners are indulgent enough to go 24/7 by next Tuesday, but gradually getting them exposed to your kinks in a sex way is going to work better than blurting out every fantasy you ever had or worse, using their presumed no to justify cheating because they would never understand anyway.

Situation: Arguing while irate/upset

Arguments have a very negative association for most people, being used synonymous for “fight”. Some people burst into tears even trying to broach the topic, and if you’re one of those people I sincerely advise you not to retire from the arena purely on that fact- your communication is valid too. However, there is such a thing as only discussing a problem when it is a big haring deal and how you are feeling is going to come blaring out in your ability to communicate.

A warning sign of this is that your conversations get derailed into other subjects that also bother you, or that things tend to escalate into talking about what this particular thing means as a statement about the whole relationship or the sort of person. Sometimes a problem is symptomatic of a bad personality thing that needs to be addressed , but trying to tackle someone’s entire personality is going to usually be a losing battle.

Suggestion: Don’t hold grudges, but take a long game view.

In relationships, we often get told that issues should be dealt with and be over and done with, but actually processing how you feel can be a lengthy thing. If you feel like discussions tend to go off the rails a lot, it may be helpful to look at the bigger picture and the pattern of the things that needed extra attention. This will help you decide if it’s a big systemic issue that needs to be addressed with some distance from the symptom, or if it’s a case of just needing to vent. Clarifying what the ting being discussed means to you will help you tailor your reaction. After all, you’re not really enjoying being mad, anyway, are you?

Situation: No consequences.

This one’s a tough one. Nobody likes playing games in a relationship and it’s unhealthy to have to manipulate or parent someone outside consenting and select circumstances. But a lot of the time, when people ask for things they don’t offer any reaction other than trying to accept it. This teaches the other party to learn to ignore that person’s requests, since they are all classified as “if you feel like it!” This is not good.

Sometimes this can be the hardest part of getting things done with other people, because often it is easier to eat whatever it is that is bothering you, as part of the price of admission, than have to stand down someone you love. Especially if you have mortgages or children  or some such. Especially when you feel like this may escalate into the other person putting consequences up on you that are worse than what you started with.

Unfortunately, if other people demand you’re going to be a doormat, that’s their prerogative. What is yours is your ability not to write “Welcome” on your back in an easily readable font.

Suggestion: Maintain some things that are uniquely yours and your space.

Having an ability to fall back into your own space lets you maintain distance when you need it. This can mean your own study or room, or even a social network that’s not entirely mutual. While the “silent treatment” is childish, a lot of arguments are about things that effect two people, and having zones where you are not utterly dependent on the other person’s moods and whimsy is a healthy antidote to being a hostage- and it sends the message that if you’re with someone it’s a choice done out of love and part of a healthy balance.

Profile (And Approach): Part 2, Writing About Yourself

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This is part 2 on my advice for how to make your profile sell yourself effectively. Last time we talked about choosing the perfect profile picture, and so now you can be confident you have the visual side of your search taken care of. But what about the text part?

Your Profile Text Opens a Conversation

Many websites, from fetife to collarme allow you to have some personal space to talk about yourself. If you’re not a big writer, this part is particularly daunting. Nonetheless, it’s a great way to intrigue people with what sort of person you are. And, when crafting your profile there’s a few things to take into account that will maximize positive results.

Avoid the Negative

One of the most common dating  methods people use to check for the stability of the person is how bitter or negative they seem. Thus profiles like “Are there any good women out there?!” or “No fakes, time wasters or crazies!”, rather than warning people away, make them feel like you’re surrounded by a dark cloud of drama. People who are ghastly don’t think they are ghastly, and it won’t protect you.

Do not make a big deal about your negative qualities either. Even if you think you’re ugly or unattractive, let other people be the judge of that. Your adult acne is another person’s “rugged, rough good looks and ruddy complexion”, your lack of experience with sex is another person’s “touching and enthusiastic innocence”.

If you need to qualify something you don’t want, try to phrase it in a positive way. For example if you don’t want to be involved with pro-work, avoid angry tirades. A simple “I prefer my D/s to be part of a romantic relationship, not a financial relationship.” gets your point across best.

Describe Yourself, Not Someone Else

Another common mistake people make, both in kink and vanilla dating, is spending more time telling people what they’re looking for and not enough time talking about who or what they are. This would be as if you  applied for work at a company by describing the company to them instead of sharing your resume.

So “I’m looking for a cruel, strict dom with ebony hair and crimson lips” or “I want a male submissive who is slightly chubby and into puppy play” does not help. People who meet that description have no reason to know that they would be attracted to you. Furthermore people who meet these characteristics may not recognize that they have them or will be worried you are only interested in them because of those factors.

It’s okay to mention the types of relationships you like, but they should be showing who you are as a person in relation to that. And remember, you are not your fetishes, they are a a part of you.

Talk About More Than Sex (or Love)

Even if you want a quick lay or a relationship based on sex, letting your personality shine out is part of what makes you attractive. And it can seem tempting to talk only about the sort of relationship you want, it’s rather as bad as talking only about the sort of person you want.

Everyone has at least one good feature and beauty standards are so flexible that there are positive words for even things that are out of fashion right now. Hot people are often hot because of how they present themselves, not just a nice face or figure. And extroverts and introverts are just as attractive to the right person.

Things to think about:

  1. Are you more passive or active in daily life? Shy? Out going?
  2. Is your sense of humour mean or sweet? Do you like cute things? Are you sentimental?
  3. Realistically, what are your hobbies?
  4. Is this a bedroom or a lifestyle thing for you, ideally?

Talking about what you want, as far as fetishes, can be a particular challenge. You don’t want a laundry list of kinks, but if you’re trying to date kinkily, you probably want at least touch on them. However every couple (triad, etc…) has their own particulars so remember, the relationship you get will probably compromise and touch on some fetishes you have in common and some you don’t. You should also lead with your personality  hobbies and tastes in vanilla things first, kinks second. A lot of stuff that people would never normally consider is sexy with the right person.

Consider the Value of Shibboleths

A shibboleth is a marker of group membership, often arbitrary. We have a lot of inbuilt assumptions about certain characteristics. Dating websites like OKcupid let users tag themselves with hobbies and interests. Their data shows that this can have a powerful effect in initiating conversation. For example, atheists tend to glom onto each other.

When you create a profile, you should seed a few topics you are passionate about enough to have fun talking about them. More strategically, if you have interests that are particularly appealing to the types of person you are interested in, it’s worth emphasizing those. For example I like nerdy males, and it is to my advantage to signal heavily that not only will I tolerate your gaming night, but I’m liable to be the face behind the DM screen. (Yes I am nerdy!)

Format to Be Readable

Avoid wRiTiNG liek tis. Fetlife doesn’t let you get too out of control, but other websites let you choose other colours and fonts. Do not indulge too much in wild changes of colour or eye bleeding contrasts and text effects. Furthermore a quick once over can’t hurt you any and avoid typos that make you sound less intelligent that you are.

This is hardly and exhaustive look at profile writing, but it’s a good leaping off place for you.  In another post I’m going to give you some profile writing prompts to help inspire you about what to talk about.